very sad tonight thinking of my ex's pain

[raisins3142]

Hi all,

I was reading posts and many view the pwBPD as kinda evil.

I began thinking of my uBPDexgf and her hurt and shame and her desire for better and how she just didn't know how to do it... .and I thought of her and cried.

I thought in my tears of "my girl"... .the hurt one that I was so proud at first to make whole and safe and to protect... .and the good times we shared.  I think the waifs are perhaps easier to view in this kind light.  Most of my anger towards her is gone.  And maybe tonight was a move forward.

My goodness... .I hate this disorder and the people that gave it to her through their abuse and neglect.  They murdered half her soul... .it is almost to take a life.  :'(

The parts of her true self I saw were beautiful and someone that I could build a life with... .if not for the rest.

Instead of confronting it all and working on herself, she just wants someone there on her journey and is obsessed with acceptance, finding herself, and having unconditional love.  The problem is that anyone strong enough to be with her and be attractive to her... .will have the strength to walk away when the time comes.

And it makes me very thankful that my parents and others did not do the same thing to me... .did not create such a horrible illness within me.

[eyvindr]

I'm with ya, raisins. It's a horrible illness, and I feel for anyone who is burdened by it. Best that we assimilate what we've learned, and try not to make the same mistakes again in our next relationships. And hope that the psych and med communities are able to make some progress towards better, more effective treatment.

Along those lines, I was watching this video last night:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wE8jEXksn7Q

They're focusing on new methods of treating individuals with resistant PTSD, but I wonder if this might hold some hope for pwBPD, too.

If you must cry, I'm glad that your tears hold kindness in them. Hang in there.

[JRT]

Mine was a waif as well... .at one point I felt very badly for her, we had no arguments or disagreements. Everything was peaceful. ... .but I struggle with that now... .her behavior after the fact is profoundly hurtful and mean spirited and SHE did the breaking up.,... one day shortly after moving in, she just moved out unbeknownst to me while I was away... .i received a short angry text and that was all... .she blocked me from contacting her and got lawyers involved and the police when I attempted to contact her... .BPD aside, I am convinced that they have SOME restraint and control (she is an MBA and runs a small company!). I am convinced that some or more of this behavior is calculated and not a knee jerk reaction.

its been 4 months since and we have still not heard a word from her... .,my 15 year old daughter is in therapy as a result of this and I am left to guess as to what happened after giving this woman the very best that I had to give... .I tell you: everything bad that has happened to her and everything bad that will happen she deserves!

[Copperfox]

Anger is healthy ... .for a while.

Eventually we have to move toward detachment, which takes a degree of compassion, of acceptance.  Seeing the good as well as the bad.  Acknowledging our own role.  Neverending hate, after all, is just another form of holding on.

Seeing both the good and evil in people, both the black and the white, is what separates us from BPD.

Sounds like you are making progress, good for you Raisins 

[downwhim]

Raisins, you are a compassionate caring person. Cry tears for yourself. You have given all you had to give and you had the foresight to see the disease is your enemy not the person. You know this. Learn from this, grow from this and find yourself. You cannot fix her and you know that you have the love within you to share now with someone that can give it back. That is a gift.

[raisins3142]

Thank you all.

Ready for bed now but wanted to share one last thing before I sleep.

I watched a documentary 20 years or more ago about children in an eastern european orphanage.

The children were not held enough.  There were too many of them and too few helpers.

It showed them going crazy and banging against their cribs.  They looked nothing like children I encounter in loving homes.

It was stated that this neglect during very early phases in their development caused long term issues.

In some cases, it caused mild to severe mental retardation (not defined in the doc) that was resistant to later intervention.

I imagine my ex abandoned by both parents at age 2 to live with a bizarre, promiscuous, alcoholic grandmother in the countryside somewhere... .:'(

This almost makes me want to reach out to her, but I won't.  And, again, it makes me rage at the idiocy of those that should have been her protectors.  My anger is finally shifting away from me and her... .and towards the root of the illness.  And as others have said, it feels like a positive.

Tonight, I can feel part of her lifetime of pain, despite her being a 45 minute drive north of me.

[apple2]

Hi all,

I was reading posts and many view the pwBPD as kinda evil.

I began thinking of my uBPDexgf and her hurt and shame and her desire for better and how she just didn't know how to do it... .and I thought of her and cried.

I thought in my tears of "my girl"... .the hurt one that I was so proud at first to make whole and safe and to protect... .and the good times we shared.  I think the waifs are perhaps easier to view in this kind light.  Most of my anger towards her is gone.  And maybe tonight was a move forward.

My goodness... .I hate this disorder and the people that gave it to her through their abuse and neglect.  They murdered half her soul... .it is almost to take a life.  :'(

The parts of her true self I saw were beautiful and someone that I could build a life with... .if not for the rest.

Instead of confronting it all and working on herself, she just wants someone there on her journey and is obsessed with acceptance, finding herself, and having unconditional love.  The problem is that anyone strong enough to be with her and be attractive to her... .will have the strength to walk away when the time comes.

And it makes me very thankful that my parents and others did not do the same thing to me... .did not create such a horrible illness within me.

Hey raisins,

I shared the same feeling for my ex. In my eyes, my boy is a suffering child who is needy for love. He did a lot of things, all of my friends are furious after they know that. Still, I can't blame him. For me, he is a good person by nature. He did it, just because he can not let his past go, and he suffers the pain. I think he does not deserve a life like right now, without any close friends around him.

He said so many crazy things which hurt me to death, including he only wanted to use me for sex, to manipulate me, to take revenge to girls in general, because his ex girlfriends treated him too bad. If I could, I only wanted to hug him, and told him, no worries, the past is gone. I wondered my ability to forgive and forget. I would only remember the moment when I said I was so tired because of the high heels, he carried me for two stations to the parking lot. Then I can not hold back tears.

However, after the 2. break-up initiated by him, I have to go. I thought unconditional life can heal everything, but I can't overcome his devil.

Maybe, that is life.

[Hazelrah]

Raisins,

Kudos on your insightful commentary and your ability to look beyond the pain your SO inflicted.  These are very damaged people, and the source of this damage is often tragic.

It took me quite a while to come to terms with the fact my BPD wife left one day, never to be seen again.  The fact that it shortly followed my mother's death seemed even more brutal at the time.  The Dude cannot abide the treatment, but I can feel for her life-long pain.  She was sexually abused by an uncle and her father, had a genetic heart defect that nearly killed her in the first three years of her life (and still requires diligent maintenance into her late thirties)... .and a detached mother that often said she regretted bringing her into the world and wished she had died after birth.  Her agony couldn't be tempered, despite constant impulsive behavior meant to dull those feelings.  How can one not feel sorrow for someone that carried the weight of this pain for their entire life? 

As Copperfox pointed out, wishing them ill or saying they deserve all of their pain keeps us detached and will keep us stuck for longer than we need to be.

[eyvindr]

Just wanted to point this out -- everyone -- look at this thread. Read it. You can feel the words, you can sense the sorrow, the sense of loss expressed, the compassion remaining even after the pain that so many of these r-ships has caused.

Are the people we suffered alongside doing this? Are they pouring their hearts out, trying to pinpoint their roles in the break-ups, desperately seeking out others who may have shared in similar experiences to try to make sense of it?

I know my ex isn't. I know from direct experience that she did the same thing this time that she did the past two times we broke up -- which was go on a month's long extinction burst, attempting to split me black (or, at least, having me believe that she was doing so) to anyone who she felt she might be able to persuade, sending me a non-stop stream of the most hurtful, hateful, demeaning, offensive, insulting emails, txt msgs and voicemails until I had her warned by LE to stop or be charged with harassment. That's what my ex has been up to. And it's a terrific reminder to me of why I left, and why this needs to be the last time I'm going through this, definitely with her, and hopefully with anyone.

But look at this thread, if you ever question your motives, or the level of your commitment and compassion and love for your partners, ex or otherwise. We are good people, blindsided by the effects that a horrible disease has on our loved ones. And don't forget -- they do have the option to get treatment. How many of them have, or do?

Be well, all. Take care of yourselves. Forgive them, and forgive yourselves. Let them do the hating. We get nothing out of it.

[apple2]

Just wanted to point this out -- everyone -- look at this thread. Read it. You can feel the words, you can sense the sorrow, the sense of loss expressed, the compassion remaining even after the pain that so many of these r-ships has caused.

Are the people we suffered alongside doing this? Are they pouring their hearts out, trying to pinpoint their roles in the break-ups, desperately seeking out others who may have shared in similar experiences to try to make sense of it?

I know my ex isn't. I know from direct experience that she did the same thing this time that she did the past two times we broke up -- which was go on a month's long extinction burst, attempting to split me black (or, at least, having me believe that she was doing so) to anyone who she felt she might be able to persuade, sending me a non-stop stream of the most hurtful, hateful, demeaning, offensive, insulting emails, txt msgs and voicemails until I had her warned by LE to stop or be charged with harassment. That's what my ex has been up to. And it's a terrific reminder to me of why I left, and why this needs to be the last time I'm going through this, definitely with her, and hopefully with anyone.

But look at this thread, if you ever question your motives, or the level of your commitment and compassion and love for your partners, ex or otherwise. We are good people, blindsided by the effects that a horrible disease has on our loved ones. And don't forget -- they do have the option to get treatment. How many of them have, or do?

Be well, all. Take care of yourselves. Forgive them, and forgive yourselves. Let them do the hating. We get nothing out of it.

So sorry to hear your story.

My ex broke up with me for the 2. time, still he said lots of things to hurt me. Incredible. And he is extremely good at it.

In our relationship, he was the person who always wanted to spend time with me, and then he described how he suffered with me daily. Every time I heard his talking, I could not even answer a word, because every time it was just so incredible. I wonder is the behavior of a human being?

I just want to forget all of this... .nightmare... .

[eyvindr]

apple,

I'm sorry for you, too. What you wrote here --

In our relationship, he was the person who always wanted to spend time with me, and then he described how he suffered with me daily.

I completely lived through that, too. My ex pushed for more, more, moremoremoremoremore -- time, commitment, plans, devotion, loyalty, control -- while arguing that if I gave it to her, she'd then be happy. Never realizing that she already had everything she was asking for, and arguing for things I couldn't (more time) or wouldn't (control over who my friends are) give her was only driving me further away from her, not closer.

I used to tell her that from what she told me, she sounded very unhappy with me, and I didn't want her to be that way -- and she didn't have to live that way. She could leave. I'd've understood. Of course, I had to be the one to leave, too. Enough.

[Trog]

When I cry for her or "my girl" as the OP said ... .I am crying only for myself, my hopes and my loneliness. Are we really, truly crying for them?

[Hazelrah]

When I cry for her or "my girl" as the OP said ... .I am crying only for myself, my hopes and my loneliness. Are we really, truly crying for them?

To a certain degree, yes, we can.  As Copperfox said... .

Seeing both the good and evil in people, both the black and the white, is what separates us from BPD.

There is certainly nothing selfish about mourning what we lost... .but for me, it helps to remember my SO's behavior is triggered from a tragic source.

[Trog]

When I cry for her or "my girl" as the OP said ... .I am crying only for myself, my hopes and my loneliness. Are we really, truly crying for them?

To a certain degree, yes, we can.  As Copperfox said... .

Seeing both the good and evil in people, both the black and the white, is what separates us from BPD.

There is certainly nothing selfish about mourning what we lost... .but for me, it helps to remember my SO's behavior is triggered from a tragic source.

Im just not far enough along in my healing to see any good in her. I attend church many times a week and I can not bring myself to pray for her. Im only interested now in my own healing. Maybe it will come in time but right now, I don't wish her harm but I wont spare her a tear or light her a candle. She hurts so many people and thinks everyone should look after her and is also a burden to her friends and especially her family. Ive witnessed her "illness" turn on and off like a lightswitch... .my compassion is not even flickering atm.

[downnout98]

I feel your pain. All I wanted to do was to help her as I saw the destructive behavior unfolding before my eyes. I got sucked into it and gave everything I could to show her love and affection but it wasn't enough. She broke up with me for the 10th time and I couldn't go back right away like the last times. She pleaded for me to come back but I couldn't trust her. And needed some time to think. During these pleads she found another man and is now completely enmeshed with him. It only took 3 dates for this new guy to be shacking up in our house. I am angry but at the same time feel really sad that she has this disorder. I know she wants peace and love but she doesn't know how to keep it once she has it.