I just need to talk

[Depression = 72% of members]

       I saw my therapist again this week and it went all right. I told him how I felt and he was nice about it. I guess I'll stay with him and see how it goes.

            We discussed a little episode that happened between my mom and my sister. Maybe it wasnt so little. I dont know what it was. Ive talked about how my sister has bullied me and been mean,  well, I was over at their house helping out to get my Aunt ready for bed with my mother when my sister barged in and started taking over with out even asking, as if we werent even there and could handle it. She started talking really mean to my mother, you know with the tone  of voice like , You stupid, cant you doing anything right, She didnt say those words, but her body language and tone of voice sure as hell meant that. I stood there as long as I could biting my lip unto something in me just said "enough". Actually what I did was throw my my hands up and and said," that's it, Im leaving".  I didnt mean to, it just happened.  And as soon as I did that, my sister stormed out of the room and went into her bedroom and closed the door.

         Whoops!   I wasnt trying to start anything.  I told my mother she shouldnt allow her to talk to her that way. I left shortly afterwards and realized how useless it was to say anything to my mother at all. She denies it and makes excuses for my sister 's behavior all the time.

                 I got a long lecture from my therapist over how useless it is to try change anything with those two. He said I may as well put my head in a lion's mouth.  My mother is an adult if she wants to be treated this way from my sister ,then its her bed, she made it.  Nothing more was said about this.  I did have an encounter with my sister later on this week. A lady came up to the farm to put in city issued lights up around the place because its pitch dark out there now. Im glad I came out to be apart of the discussion.  The truth of the matter is we dont see city lights because there are all ready pre existing lights around the place. All they need is new bulbs and possible  wiring fix here and there. My sister was about to have a huge telephone pole, I mean huge, put right in the middle of this place. She doesnt seem to have any sense about things. The pre existing lights are more then enough, we just need an electrician with those bulb changing poles,  not the city company. 

               Anyways, I handled this well with her. I stayed cool and light about it. It's interesting because the more I go through these negoiating things with her,  the more I start to realize that she just doesnt have much common sense about too much of anything around  here. Especially when it comes to saving money, and then she wonders why she's running out of my Aunt's money for this place. 

                  I did find out something very important. The lady that came from City Electric company asked my sister out right, "So who owns this place?"  She paused as I looked straight at her and she said it belongs to my Aunt and she has the Power of Attorney for her finances. Very important to me that I got a straight answer on this one because I havent been getting straight answers. I was very concerned that my sister had put her name on the title and has kind of hid this under the rug.  She made it seem this way by never coming forth with any real clarity as to what she had done or not done for some time. And then of course acting like she owns the place and the money shes taking steward of. Ive heard her say this was "her" money in more then one occassion. Since Ive gotten here, this has stopped. All I know,  is that I have looked up some legal things and if she had put her name on the title as the sole owner she could be accused of elder abuse. There is no will and I heard a lie she made to my father that there was paper work involved with my Aunt and the other Owner, her partner who died. Where they has her signing  papers in reference to this place. She never said Title,  and this didnt happened anyways because I remember when my Aunt got sick, my sister was freaking out about what to do to me on the phone and it was all about obtaining The Power of Attorney to take over her money to help her, that's all.   Legally this place goes to my mother and her two other sisters who are two old now to have any use for this place, but this doesnt leave out their legal right just the same and they have children.   I say, OK!  Let the whole clan come up here and get a share! It would certainly break up the toxic dynamics that are going on now. My mom and sister would freak out! They wouldnt take the house or the farm. It would be the a joining land and there's a lot.  They couldnt so easily isolate me anymore with their abuse because there would be other people around messing up their emotional apple tree.   

                    But this probably wont happen. It will most likely go to my mom and from her, my sister and me. Legally I dont think my sister has a say weather or not I'm on the title. My mother does. And she has all ready told me this place belongs to all three of us.  I just think that my sister is such a b___ to be so secretive and with-holding about this information and to try to create such an illusionistic dominion she supposivley has over this place. She doesnt.   She could have been kind and honest with me a long time ago and told me the truth so I would have no doubt that I would be included on the title as well. In stead she plays all things games.  this is not lovely at all! Monsters act like this. I mean this is my life too. Is there a future or is there not a future? Its all most as if she has enjoyed keeping me in the insecure dark like this. It makes her feel superior.   A superior bully b___ is what she has been, but Im learning the truth and finding my power.  Im also learning that this big show she puts on over being the master care taker here is BS. She doesnt clean, doesnt take the garbage out, leave cat piss on the floor, it goes on. Im doing these extra things in many many cases where she could just as easily do it on her way out the door.  It's too much.   Im the master care taker.  Everyone got that?      Thanks for the ear.             

[goingtostopthis]

       I saw my therapist again this week and it went all right. I told him how I felt and he was nice about it. I guess I'll stay with him and see how it goes.

            We discussed a little episode that happened between my mom and my sister. Maybe it wasnt so little. I dont know what it was. Ive talked about how my sister has bullied me and been mean,  well, I was over at their house helping out to get my Aunt ready for bed with my mother when my sister barged in and started taking over with out even asking, as if we werent even there and could handle it. She started talking really mean to my mother, you know with the tone  of voice like , You stupid, cant you doing anything right, She didnt say those words, but her body language and tone of voice sure as hell meant that. I stood there as long as I could biting my lip unto something in me just said "enough". Actually what I did was throw my my hands up and and said," that's it, Im leaving".  I didnt mean to, it just happened.  And as soon as I did that, my sister stormed out of the room and went into her bedroom and closed the door.

         Whoops!   I wasnt trying to start anything.  I told my mother she shouldnt allow her to talk to her that way. I left shortly afterwards and realized how useless it was to say anything to my mother at all. She denies it and makes excuses for my sister 's behavior all the time.

                 I got a long lecture from my therapist over how useless it is to try change anything with those two. He said I may as well put my head in a lion's mouth.  My mother is an adult if she wants to be treated this way from my sister ,then its her bed, she made it.  Nothing more was said about this.  I did have an encounter with my sister later on this week. A lady came up to the farm to put in city issued lights up around the place because its pitch dark out there now. Im glad I came out to be apart of the discussion.  The truth of the matter is we dont see city lights because there are all ready pre existing lights around the place. All they need is new bulbs and possible  wiring fix here and there. My sister was about to have a huge telephone pole, I mean huge, put right in the middle of this place. She doesnt seem to have any sense about things. The pre existing lights are more then enough, we just need an electrician with those bulb changing poles,  not the city company. 

               Anyways, I handled this well with her. I stayed cool and light about it. It's interesting because the more I go through these negoiating things with her,  the more I start to realize that she just doesnt have much common sense about too much of anything around  here. Especially when it comes to saving money, and then she wonders why she's running out of my Aunt's money for this place. 

                  I did find out something very important. The lady that came from City Electric company asked my sister out right, "So who owns this place?"  She paused as I looked straight at her and she said it belongs to my Aunt and she has the Power of Attorney for her finances. Very important to me that I got a straight answer on this one because I havent been getting straight answers. I was very concerned that my sister had put her name on the title and has kind of hid this under the rug.  She made it seem this way by never coming forth with any real clarity as to what she had done or not done for some time. And then of course acting like she owns the place and the money shes taking steward of. Ive heard her say this was "her" money in more then one occassion. Since Ive gotten here, this has stopped. All I know,  is that I have looked up some legal things and if she had put her name on the title as the sole owner she could be accused of elder abuse. There is no will and I heard a lie she made to my father that there was paper work involved with my Aunt and the other Owner, her partner who died. Where they has her signing  papers in reference to this place. She never said Title,  and this didnt happened anyways because I remember when my Aunt got sick, my sister was freaking out about what to do to me on the phone and it was all about obtaining The Power of Attorney to take over her money to help her, that's all.   Legally this place goes to my mother and her two other sisters who are two old now to have any use for this place, but this doesnt leave out their legal right just the same and they have children.   I say, OK!  Let the whole clan come up here and get a share! It would certainly break up the toxic dynamics that are going on now. My mom and sister would freak out! They wouldnt take the house or the farm. It would be the a joining land and there's a lot.  They couldnt so easily isolate me anymore with their abuse because there would be other people around messing up their emotional apple tree.   

                    But this probably wont happen. It will most likely go to my mom and from her, my sister and me. Legally I dont think my sister has a say weather or not I'm on the title. My mother does. And she has all ready told me this place belongs to all three of us.  I just think that my sister is such a b___ to be so secretive and with-holding about this information and to try to create such an illusionistic dominion she supposivley has over this place. She doesnt.   She could have been kind and honest with me a long time ago and told me the truth so I would have no doubt that I would be included on the title as well. In stead she plays all things games.  this is not lovely at all! Monsters act like this. I mean this is my life too. Is there a future or is there not a future? Its all most as if she has enjoyed keeping me in the insecure dark like this. It makes her feel superior.   A superior bully b___ is what she has been, but Im learning the truth and finding my power.  Im also learning that this big show she puts on over being the master care taker here is BS. She doesnt clean, doesnt take the garbage out, leave cat piss on the floor, it goes on. Im doing these extra things in many many cases where she could just as easily do it on her way out the door.  It's too much.   Im the master care taker.  Everyone got that?      Thanks for the ear.             

[Kwamina]

Hi goingtostopthis aka GTST

      I saw my therapist again this week and it went all right. I told him how I felt and he was nice about it. I guess I'll stay with him and see how it goes.

Great to hear that you have a therapist now, I remember you saying this in one of your previous posts. Having him in your support network will hopefully make life a bit more bearable for you as you deal with your sister and mother.

                I got a long lecture from my therapist over how useless it is to try change anything with those two. He said I may as well put my head in a lion's mouth.

It is an unfortunate reality that we indeed can't make our BPD family-members change if they don't want to themselves. There are some other things we can do though, by focusing on ourselves instead. By changing your own behavior you can change the dynamics of the relationships you have with your mom and sis, regardless of whether they change or not. You seeing a therapist is a positive change and a good example of something you can do to take care of yourself! I'd also like to say that you saying 'That's it, I'm leaving', is just your way of communicating a boundary. They can do whatever they want but you made clear that you don't wanna be a part of it and you have every right to do so. Boundaries aren't about changing other people but about taking care of and protecting yourself and that's what you're trying to do here There of course might be alternative ways to communicate your boundaries but we all gotta start somewhere and we often learn through a process of trial-and-error

Its all most as if she has enjoyed keeping me in the insecure dark like this. It makes her feel superior.   A superior bully b___ is what she has been, but Im learning the truth and finding my power.  Im also learning that this big show she puts on over being the master care taker here is BS. She doesnt clean, doesnt take the garbage out, leave cat piss on the floor, it goes on. Im doing these extra things in many many cases where she could just as easily do it on her way out the door.  It's too much.   Im the master care taker.  Everyone got that?     Thanks for the ear.              

I understand how frustrating your sister's behavior can be. But considering her BPD traits, I'd like to share something with you that might help you not take her behavior that personally. Perhaps I've already told you this before but it doesn't hurt hearing it again  It might help you to keep repeating to yourself that no matter what your sister says or does to you, it most likely isn't a reflection of who you truly are at all. As hard as it may be sometimes, odds are that your sister's behavior is only a reflection of her own inner turmoil and negativity that she is projecting onto you. I've found that repeating this to myself, helps me keep calm and not let my BPD family-members get to me too much. I'd also like to share something with you from Blaisse Aguirre, MD:

"The effect of feeling manipulated, doesn't mean that the intention was to manipulate."

Though he concedes that actual manipulation does indeed occur, he argues that a lot of the time you're probably dealing with repeated and learned behavior. Basically that if people do the same thing over and over again and notice that they get the same results, they keep on repeating that behavior because they've learned that it leads to certain outcomes. What do you think of this whole idea of manipulation vs. repeated and learned behavior when it comes to your sister?

Another thing Blaisse Aguire talks about is that the symptoms of people with BPD tend to be based more on skills deficits rather than intentional "acting out". He suggests that it's not so much that they are intentionally misbehaving but more that they lack certain skills that would allow them to behave differently. When you look at your sister would you say that a skills deficits might also be part of the problem here? It's clear that your sister has behavioral issues, but would you say that she possesses the skills to behave better or that this is just 'the best' behavior she's capable of? Was there ever a time when you were younger that your sister didn't behave like this?

[goingtostopthis]

Thank You kwamina,  

                 Another thing my therapist has made me well aware of is to not allow myself to be subject to allowing them to push my buttons. Sometimes with my sister I dont know if Im imagining things or because of the timing of certain things she does, if she is intentionally trying to get a reaction from me. I have been holding back and holding back and doing nothing. The last one was this note she left me on the dryer telling to be sure to not forget to empty the filter.  The interesting thing is that I have only used that dryer three times in the last 4 months and she was the last one to use it and has been using it continously since I got here washing dog  and cat blankets. Its fine for her to remind me but if she were to be fair she should have said, I have been forgetting too. But no, it was all stated with this air that "I" had been the one forgetting this with her exempt of course of having anything to do with this. It's all ways been ALL my fault.  This has been her theme.  Just wierd stuff, We had another cold night and she leaves a note on the kitchen faucet the NEXT morning , after the fact, telling me to keep the water dripping so the pipes dont freeze.  :)ont you think reminding me this the night before would have been a thousand times more productive? I saw it as a little jab and a way of her totally ignoring that "hello"  I had the plumber put a special heat lamp in the well house just to prevent this ever happening again. And the large gaping hole that SHE left open on the side of the house was now finally closed up and sealed. I think she is seriously in denial about herself and what "she" is doing in her own contribution to causing problems around this place. I guess its a form of projection of what she doesnt want to look at about herself.

                About growing up with her, yes,  this went on a lot in my early and late teens, even into my twenties until I left for school. There was one point about 2 years ago where we became really good friends over the phone and she was treating me as a respected equal for the first time in my life. I couldnt believe it.  It was great. I was so happy about it, but then I went on a trip to England to see a boyfriend and I was so excited! I never thought I would ever have a chance like this to go to Europe so it was pretty big deal to me. Ever since I did this she stopped talking to me and I remember how sad I was that she couldnt even call and tell me she was happy for me. It really tore me up.  It wasnt like she has never gone to Europe. She went to Paris with dad. A trip I was going to take with him but I decided to let her go instead. She even went to Swizterland with my mom and lied about it after wards because I was upset that I wasnt asked to go too. We have relatives there. I got over it, but why lie about not going way after telling me they "were" going together and then going ?

Why bother trying to figure these things out.  She's been a mean bully ever since. Like she was growing up except ten times worse.  She's been ok kind of nice now but weird like Ive decribed. I think its because my reaction level to her has gone way down. Anytime I get triggered with these little sticky notes, I struggle for about 5 minutes wanting to retaliate some how and end up retreating to my room instead where I put myself through a calm down session. Or I humor myself out of being angry by visualizing my self with a can of red spray paint.  

              It's taken a while for this to really sink in.

                  Like you said,#1:  It has nothing to do with me at all  and #2: A reaction from me is what she wants.

This is thee old pattern. Whether she is aware of doing this or not. I think most of it is an ingrained pattern she doesnt want to see and the more I ignore it, walk away or smile indifferently like who cares,  the sooner she will get bored and this bs will get less and less. Ive all ready noticed this happening. Its really pretty sick.  She gets me upset and I show it, she wins,  she gets her reward and satisfaction. She thinks she has suceeded in putting me down.  I know now that this is what this is about. Every day I get better at handling this and I appreciate your help and good ear.  Thanks... .  Im feeling better.  (  :