I left, it's hard to believe and I think I'm still in shock

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

So I did it, I left.

That felt hard at the time, but now the hard part is staying away.

I've been married for 5 years to my wife who was verbally abusive to me the whole time.

My confidence totally shattered, and I just felt myself wilted away.

She had a 6 month affair that was discovered in November.

She continued to lie and lie and lie, and every time more was discovered by me, it was "okay you know everything now"

This past week I found out that there was more, and just looking at her knowing, she perfectly okay with shoving this under a carpet and not looking back.

I couldn't do that myself, I couldn't leave a lie like that just festering in me, I would have come out with the entire truth the night I was caught... .although I wouldn't have done that in the first place.

She's totally shattered and we have a child together, so I can't completely shut her out.

She just called today and made me sit on the phone with her for 20 minutes as she said how could you do this, you're so cold, I love you I want to be together.

She's excellent at making me feel guilty.

She was getting better as far as the abuse after the affair, and she realizes she has a problem now.  But the relationship had to be completely the other way for her.

We had to go out and be sexual all the time, and do stuff together. And she kept harassing me for when we would hang out with my friends.

I was using my friends as a support network after this happened, and told them what she did. I couldn't believe she wouldn't be embarrassed to see them, but I sure would be.

And it hit me, I realized to her this is what a relationship has to be, it has to be this perfect fairy tail where you do everything together and can't have your own interests or time apart.

She was letting me go to friends houses, but right now she knew she didn't have much choice. She was so insecure about love that I started to walk on egg shells for different reasons. I felt like I couldn't be mad at her because it would upset her too much.

At this point, I just can't trust her, and it takes so much energy being with her.

I know I need lots of time to myself to do my own self discovery, and I can't do that with her.

She's willing to do 50/50 with our child,

I see what this site says about NC, and wow. She's calling and texting all the time, it's so hard to avoid it.

Last night I bought a book on codependancy.  I definitely have that problem, and I'm going to a therapist to try and work on it.

It's so refreshing to read a book on my own issues, I was so caught up in what her issues were, and reading books about BPD, that it's nice to start focusing on me, my happiness, and getting better myself.

Thanks for listening.

[husband112]

Hi,

So I did it, I left.

That felt hard at the time, but now the hard part is staying away.

I've been married for 5 years to my wife who was verbally abusive to me the whole time.

My confidence totally shattered, and I just felt myself wilted away.

She had a 6 month affair that was discovered in November.

She continued to lie and lie and lie, and every time more was discovered by me, it was "okay you know everything now"

This past week I found out that there was more, and just looking at her knowing, she perfectly okay with shoving this under a carpet and not looking back.

I couldn't do that myself, I couldn't leave a lie like that just festering in me, I would have come out with the entire truth the night I was caught... .although I wouldn't have done that in the first place.

She's totally shattered and we have a child together, so I can't completely shut her out.

She just called today and made me sit on the phone with her for 20 minutes as she said how could you do this, you're so cold, I love you I want to be together.

She's excellent at making me feel guilty.

She was getting better as far as the abuse after the affair, and she realizes she has a problem now.  But the relationship had to be completely the other way for her.

We had to go out and be sexual all the time, and do stuff together. And she kept harassing me for when we would hang out with my friends.

I was using my friends as a support network after this happened, and told them what she did. I couldn't believe she wouldn't be embarrassed to see them, but I sure would be.

And it hit me, I realized to her this is what a relationship has to be, it has to be this perfect fairy tail where you do everything together and can't have your own interests or time apart.

She was letting me go to friends houses, but right now she knew she didn't have much choice. She was so insecure about love that I started to walk on egg shells for different reasons. I felt like I couldn't be mad at her because it would upset her too much.

At this point, I just can't trust her, and it takes so much energy being with her.

I know I need lots of time to myself to do my own self discovery, and I can't do that with her.

She's willing to do 50/50 with our child,

I see what this site says about NC, and wow. She's calling and texting all the time, it's so hard to avoid it.

Last night I bought a book on codependancy.  I definitely have that problem, and I'm going to a therapist to try and work on it.

It's so refreshing to read a book on my own issues, I was so caught up in what her issues were, and reading books about BPD, that it's nice to start focusing on me, my happiness, and getting better myself.

Thanks for listening.

[Tim300]

Hang in there.  We have all been through some variation of this.   

[iluminati]

 

The first thing is to take care of business.  Focus on things like where to live, how to set up custody, things like that.  Getting caught up in emotions is the wrong way to do things.  Just move on, and figure out how to move from there.

[downwhim]

Be strong, post here when you need to. I read 4 or 5 books the first couple weeks on co dependency and BPD. I read through info on this site and worked out a lot. I took care of me while in pain. I had trouble sleeping (on ambien) and I had PTSD and so much anxiety I had to get on pills for that. 4 months out I hardly take them but my pain was situational so I needed help then.

We have all been there my friend. Reach out for help and know you are not alone in your pain. These relationships are difficult and it took guts to get out.  

[Targeted]

 

Have you read the information on this site about F.O.G?  Fear, Obligation, Guilt! I can only suggest that you read it over a few times to help realise where you are at right now! It takes a while to sink in and fog to clear, it is very important right now though! Specially if there is to be contact, it took me well over four months to cut contact totally and that was only by text and email! That alone kept me in the FOG, even though she has tried to get through to me I have remained no contact 67 days now and the reality of The severity of what I went through became so much clearer. The realisation of what will happen if I went back is so much clearer. It would not be good! I see that you say you were married which will make that even tougher because of the fog, any contact because you say you have a child try to keep it at just that, when she tries to talk about your marriage or that she loves you like you mentioned in your post it may be helpful to not respond to that but if you do, explaining to her That you feel hurt and you are not doing anything except taking some time to think about things May help to keep her impulsive retaliations to a minimum.

[husband112]

Thanks everyone for all these suggestions.

It's so hard to know whether I'm making the right decision, but at least it's giving me the space I need to think about it on my own.