b/u is hard and painful

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

after one year of dating my BPDexgf i decided to break up. it has been 3 months NC from my part. she called and sent many text messages about how much she loves me and cares for me but i didn't reply i stood very firm with NC. even though i was the one that dumped her and moved on i am still thinking about her all the time, i should remember all of the verbal attacks and name calling and gaslighting but i don't it seems that my brain only remembers the good time we had together.it is not only the emotional abuse but the financial loss too that i suffered for being with a BPD person. a BPD is like a tornado that rips through a town and leave behind a path of destruction and misery with indifference. after the break up the non-BPD becomes under the impression that the BPD person implanted some kind of software in our brain to keep us thinking about them, i wish it was easy to deprogram our brain and move on but it isn't, it takes time for the brain to settle back to normality. i think the only remedy is time to heal and come out of the FOG... .any thoughts/options from anyone?...

[zeus123]

after one year of dating my BPDexgf i decided to break up. it has been 3 months NC from my part. she called and sent many text messages about how much she loves me and cares for me but i didn't reply i stood very firm with NC. even though i was the one that dumped her and moved on i am still thinking about her all the time, i should remember all of the verbal attacks and name calling and gaslighting but i don't it seems that my brain only remembers the good time we had together.it is not only the emotional abuse but the financial loss too that i suffered for being with a BPD person. a BPD is like a tornado that rips through a town and leave behind a path of destruction and misery with indifference. after the break up the non-BPD becomes under the impression that the BPD person implanted some kind of software in our brain to keep us thinking about them, i wish it was easy to deprogram our brain and move on but it isn't, it takes time for the brain to settle back to normality. i think the only remedy is time to heal and come out of the FOG... .any thoughts/options from anyone?...

[Tim300]

I understand what you're going through.  I think you're right that it just takes time and coming out of the FOG.  Personally, my main motivation with my ex was to start a family.  I am now very glad that we didn't have a child.  I think that's one way to help get over it -- read up on BPD and ask yourself, would you really want to have a child with this person?

Also, I should add, I broke it off with my ex a couple times (due to verbal and financial abuse), and then I got her texts about missing me, etc.  I was quite bewildered by this "I hate you, don't leave me" behavior (I didn't know what BPD was), but I returned to her a couple times under this scenario, thinking that maybe the abuse was just because of a temporary bad mood or something.  Of course, any return to the honeymoon phase never lasted more than like 5 weeks -- and then her Mr. Hyde side would come out stronger than ever before.  It's a never-ending cycle, with each cycle ultimately having worse behavior than you would ever imagine.  If you saw glimpses of this before you were even engaged, trust me, it likely would have gotten much, much worse when she felt like she truly had you on the hook.

What were your financial losses?   

[JRT]

Its very understandable Zeus... .anyone that is healthy and was devoted to their partner would be feeling the same way right now. It takes a LOT of courage to do the right thing for the long term in cutting off the relationship, I've been there. For me, the key to turning the corner was to become angry at some of her post breakup antics (she did a disappearing act, called the cops, etc.)... .when I was able to focus in on those things and realize the offense of it all, it was through that that I felt that I was able to move forward. Its been 4 1/2 months for me. I am finally starting to date and feel better about things.

[Mutt]

Hi zeus123,



I'm sorry to hear that. Breaking up with a pwBPD is incredibly painful. Many members can relate.

The lessons to the right of the board "the 5 stages of detachment" will help you in your path to healing ----------------------------------------------------->

Welcome to the family 

Hang in there.

----Mutt

[mrwigand]

If it's any consolation, I had the exact same experience of only remembering the good things in the relationship and forgetting the reasons I was miserable and felt like I needed to leave.

I ended up recycling the relationship SEVERAL times.

What you're feeling is very normal. But perhaps you need to remember that you most likely didn't take the decision to break up lightly. Sometimes I have to text my friends and ask them, "so, it's definitely a bad idea for me to get back together with my ex, right?" And they all unequivocally tell me, ":)ON'T GO BACK!"

Sometimes your friends have a much healthier perspective on our relationship than we can manage especially after the break up. Do your friends have an opinion?

[Tim300]

If it's any consolation, I had the exact same experience of only remembering the good things in the relationship and forgetting the reasons I was miserable and felt like I needed to leave.

I ended up recycling the relationship SEVERAL times.

What you're feeling is very normal. But perhaps you need to remember that you most likely didn't take the decision to break up lightly. Sometimes I have to text my friends and ask them, "so, it's definitely a bad idea for me to get back together with my ex, right?" And they all unequivocally tell me, ":)ON'T GO BACK!"

Sometimes your friends have a much healthier perspective on our relationship than we can manage especially after the break up. Do your friends have an opinion?

Good question.  My friends and family are all begging me NC.

[zeus123]

thank you all for the responses, it is very helpful to hear from others the same experience i am going through. i do have very supportive friends and they all say to stay away from her and maintain NC. Tim regarding the financial loss i am not going to say how much because the amount is substantial, i was paying all her bills and loans because she was not working due to her back therapy and other illnesses she claimed she had. she was only 25 years old. the financial loss is nothing compared to the mental effects. i decided to implement NC rules three months ago because of the constant verbal attacks that came out from her mouth for no apparent reasons, so after all the financial help that i provided for her and all the respect that i gave her she was treating me like an animal this is when i left her place and never looked back. she tried every trick in her arsenal to get me to reply back to her but i didn't and i am still on course with NC. i think NO CONTACT is the only way to go against these robots, sorry to use the word robot to qualify them they are human being like us but they lack empathy and remorse and they cause so much damage after the relationship is over.

[Tim300]

thank you all for the responses, it is very helpful to hear from others the same experience i am going through. i do have very supportive friends and they all say to stay away from her and maintain NC. Tim regarding the financial loss i am not going to say how much because the amount is substantial, i was paying all her bills and loans because she was not working due to her back therapy and other illnesses she claimed she had. she was only 25 years old. the financial loss is nothing compared to the mental effects. i decided to implement NC rules three months ago because of the constant verbal attacks that came out from her mouth for no apparent reasons, so after all the financial help that i provided for her and all the respect that i gave her she was treating me like an animal this is when i left her place and never looked back. she tried every trick in her arsenal to get me to reply back to her but i didn't and i am still on course with NC. i think NO CONTACT is the only way to go against these robots, sorry to use the word robot to qualify them they are human being like us but they lack empathy and remorse and they cause so much damage after the relationship is over.

It is amazing how similar all of our stories are.  Impressive that she managed to pull the physical ailments card as well (seems par for the course).  The money is certainly nothing compared to the mental anguish.  Be glad that you only lost 1 year (most of us got pulled in for longer).  She is ill and you are free.  What were the loans for?  What do you think her family is saying?

[zeus123]

she claimed that she took a loan from a broker to pay all her debts and she had to pay back this loan by October 2014. she didn't have good relation with her adopted family she claimed that she was sexually abused by them when she was younger so she never introduced me to her family.

[Tim300]

she claimed that she took a loan from a broker to pay all her debts and she had to pay back this loan by October 2014. she didn't have good relation with her adopted family she claimed that she was sexually abused by them when she was younger so she never introduced me to her family.

Do you think that's true about her family?

[zeus123]

Tim i don't know if it's true or not maybe she was lying, with these people you will never know the truth. i think BPD's they lie only when they breathe

[Tim300]

i think BPD's they lie only when they breathe

Ha, this is true.  I certainly saw this.  Did you ever get the story on the biological parents?

[mrwigand]

If it's any consolation, I had the exact same experience of only remembering the good things in the relationship and forgetting the reasons I was miserable and felt like I needed to leave.

I ended up recycling the relationship SEVERAL times.

What you're feeling is very normal. But perhaps you need to remember that you most likely didn't take the decision to break up lightly. Sometimes I have to text my friends and ask them, "so, it's definitely a bad idea for me to get back together with my ex, right?" And they all unequivocally tell me, ":)ON'T GO BACK!"

Sometimes your friends have a much healthier perspective on our relationship than we can manage especially after the break up. Do your friends have an opinion?

Good question.  My friends and family are all begging me NC.

Usually, if you all of your friends and family are telling you it's a bad idea then it probably is. They want what's best for us. Try to keep whet they've told you in your mind when you consider breaking NC. I'm not saying that will help with the feelings of doubt, loneliness, or sadness (that's something I think you just have to let flow), but it might keep you rational enough to avoid a recycle that's probably not right for you.

[zeus123]

Ha, this is true.  I certainly saw this.  Did you ever get the story on the biological parents?

yes Tim. her father died when she was two years old and her mother ended up in a psychiatric hospital so she was adopted by parents that had six children and she told me that she was abused. she told me stories and stories of being sexually abused and neglected by people in her circle and when i asked her to elaborate on her past she would go into rage like an erupted volcano. back in July 2014 she was diagnosed with cervical cancer and was treated with radiation therapy, cervical cancer in women is caused by STD Papillomavirus she must have got it at a younger age with having many partners without using protection; impulsive. she always made me feel that i had to look after her and protect her.