When will it end?

[slayer]

Argh. I'm at wits end.  I have a dBPDp that is both a waif and a rabid animal in stressful situations.  The last several years have been fire after fire after fire after fire.

I know it will never end. There is no hope. I know that the situation will be with me until one of us passes away.  That realization is depressing.

I hate it when the phone rings now.  I know it's another disaster and 9 times out of 10 it is another disaster.  It's getting old.  Very, very old.

In my case my parent was diagnosed when they were involuntarily sent to the ER and from there a mental care facility.  The hard part is that they don't know what they have and they never acknowledge that they have a problem.  I can't bring it up because it just causes a meltdown.

It's difficult.

Look, I know there's no sense in hoping that things will change.  If there is to be any change it begins with me... .but I'm at the end of the rope with this one.  My parent has no one else in their life so I willfully subject myself to the abuse because who else is there?

I would use the opportunity to vent about the absolute disaster this year has been so far but I don't want to give specifics.  I'm afraid of this person and I'm afraid of making things worse.

I'd like to call on friends to help taking care of their many needs but a part of me wants to shield people from their abuses.

Sigh.

Thanks for letting me vent for a while, even though I feel like I can't relate my problems, even anonymously.  :'(

[Suzn]

Hi slayer. Sorry you're going through this with your parent. My mom's deal is texting so I can relate. It's not emergencies like yours but she expects answers. And she uses them to control, such as sending a text saying "I'm sitting in your driveway" (in her car) while I still had a couple hours left at work before I would be home. The last example was me driving across the country and her texting tons of times wanting me to call her. I'd ask is this an emergency? Oh no, just want to know where you are. I told her I would call her in a couple of days, her response was call me the next time you stop. It drove me nuts, and as such, I won't be responding to texts anymore. And I've let her know. It's cut the texts down to way less than half. I'm done with that silliness.

You say you are getting phone calls so I assume you don't live with this parent? If not does your parent take care of their own finances and such? I'm asking because I'm wondering how functional they are.

My mom has no friends either. In fact I can remember her having two fairly short term friendships over the past 35 years or so. She recently retired so LOTS of extra time on her hands. I could emphasize, I think that can be a hard time adjusting for anyone. However I did tell her she could make friends if she wanted to, lots of people at her church. She still hasn't tried that I know of. I hope she does.

I do feel bad for her but it's her choice. She could get involved in a hobby or start cooking again, she quit that a long time ago.

Phone calls are on my terms right now. I've had to initiate some LC whereas before I always answered. What would happen if you didn't answer every single phone call? Maybe only answer 1 out of 3 for instance? Just to take some space for yourself. It's hard to not feel guilty but like in my mother's case she COULD make a friend if she wanted to.

Now if texting were the only issue I'd be a horses patoot for saying no imo but no. Plenty of history behind her other behaviors. I have to remind myself of this often because it still feels harsh to me that I have imposed these boundaries for myself on my mother. It's my anger I need to control and her ridiculous texts are triggering that. I need some space and I'm taking it. My sanity is my responsibility. I'll get over the guilt eventually.

We, her and I, are going to get use to different ways of communicating. I'm sitting with my guilt and she has no choice but to sit with her irritation that I will no longer communicate via text and fewer phone calls.

[CalledaPerson]

slayer - I'm in the same boat as you. I know it will never end until either I or mother passes away. There could come a time when I can hide, but I can't do that now. I haven't seen her in ten years, and calls had been infrequent until three years ago when she was in a major car accident, in which her live-in boyfriend was killed. Since then, she has been calling once a week. She can be friendly on the phone, but I know the Witch mode is always barely under the surface. She let herself slip into Witch mode (nasty tone of voice and nasty verbal descriptions) for just one sentence last week, then came out of it after I switched the subject, but it reminded me why I feel anxious and worried when that day rolls around each week. I really hate the idea of talking to her, because every time is an opportunity for her to gain information that could be used against me later, or is just an opportunity for her to be nasty to a decent person (myself). I almost feel disgusted by it as if I were giving crack to a crack addict. That's how desperate I believe BPD's are to torment people. They will do anything to get their next hit or dose of what they love more than anything, which is tormenting people they are supposed to love.

Like you said, I am also afraid of this person and what she could do, even now. I didn't have the wherewithal years ago to go NC, which is what I should have done looking back. Then, I would not worry about retaliation as much, since now she has enough information to possibly do something harmful. She's coming to my state this summer and I don't want to see her after ten years of not seeing her.

Suzn - I like your suggestion of not answering every call. I was also thinking of hanging up on her if she goes into Witch mode, which is something I have never done before. I can't remember her going into Witch mode on the phone in the past ten years, but maybe she is starting to feel comfortable enough now that we are talking every week. I think she tries harder to stay away from witch mode on the phone because the other person is not trapped in any way and can just hang up. She likes to go into witch mode in person and in the car, etc., because there, the victim is more trapped.