Perfect Child - Making friends your own age

[Trog]

Last night I was out with a group of work colleagues my own age and noticed how separate I feel from my peers. The week previous I'd been out with people who were closer in age to my parents as I'd been invited out by the company CEO. I am noticing a pattern in social situations whereby I seem to be much more appreciated and liked by older people than by those in my own peer group. I suspect this comes from being a "perfect child". I was always praised by my parents, to other parents, for perfect child behaviours, excelling in sports/academia, never crying, going to bed without a fuss when I small and basically never giving my parents a peep of trouble. Even when I am with my parents now they love to tell these stories and it makes me feel a bit grossed out when they tell them infront of those my own range. I would rather be appreiciated for things I have acheived as an adult, but I don't think my parents could even tell you what I do as a job or my hobbies!

I know how to act in ways that will offer affection and gold stars from my bosses and my parents generation, I'm very respectful and make good "adult" conversation, however, amongst fellow 30 somethings I don't really know what to say. I feel awkward and being polite and pleasing is most likely considered a bit weird by those in your own peer group. Its not that I am disliked or not invited out or left out in the conversation, but I just don't know how to act and that leaves me without any close friends in my age-range. I suspect not showing weakness, or acting in a pleasing way is counter-productive to close friendships. Most often, which those my own age, I am their boss (over-acheiver) or a "pet" of their boss which surely is not appealing. I don't know how to act to make friends with them and I don't really want a set of close friends in their 60s.

Does anyone else struggle with this? How can I learn to make friends with these my own peers, would it come out from codependency work?

[ADecadeLost]

I know exactly where you are coming from.  My ex-wife used to refer to me as the "Golden Child."  It applied to both my childhood (parents telling her how easy I was to raise) and my work life (always the bosses favorite, promoted above my peers at a young age).  It was also often said in a passive-aggressively spiteful manner as she was always the troubled child/worker being passed over by her peers.

As for making friends amongst peers, I've found it near impossible amongst professional acquaintances.  I'm their boss in every case, and while they're friendly at the office, the boss isn't usually on the list of folks getting invited to drinks Friday evening.  I don't think there's much of a way around this unfortunately. 

As for friends outside of a professional setting, I think it just takes being yourself and seeing what happens.  For me, there's often an initial awkwardness, but it seems to fade if I push myself beyond it.  And honestly, I really don't think the awkwardness early on bothers anyone other than myself.  If it did, the few friends I've made over the years probably wouldn't have hung around to the point of becoming friends.    The problem then becomes finding opportunities to meet people away from the office (easier said than done).

With regards to improving through working on codependency issues, I hope someone more knowledgeable will chime in.  I'd be interesting in knowing the role this plays as well.

[Suzn]

As a recovering Codependent, learning to make friends has been a top priority. Learning about what healthy friendships look like was the first step. I went through a period of time where I had to learn where to place people in my life. Such as acquaintances, friends and close friends. I had issues with having little to no idea of boundaries and how boundaries work in friendships. How to assert mine and be respectful of others boundaries.

Trog telling yourself that people may not find you appealing just because you're the "boss" is counterproductive. If someone is fairly emotionally mature they can handle a friendship with their boss and pretty much know where the lines not to cross are. It would be my guess if this became in issue it would show itself early on. Which would give you the opportunity to step back and reassess the friendship. Something that we have to practice with people we are getting to know anyway. That concept was new to me. We always have the option of changing our minds about pursuing a relationship, romantic or not. I lived in a state of FOG, as a Codependent, for most of my life so I definitely had some new skills to learn.

As far as finding friends outside of work, a couple ideas... .I've been successful with meet up groups that share my interests. Take a class in something that interests you, you will undoubtably meet people that share that interest. I had to work on becoming comfortable in my own skin to get past any of those wandering negative thoughts about what people think of me. I've found if Im honest and simply be myself it helps.

I think it's normal to have some nervousness about getting out there and meeting new people. If you can keep in mind that most everyone else feels the same way it can help you keep this new venture in perspective.

[livednlearned]

Trog, did you have siblings?

I'm wondering because it could be that there is a less than/better than thing going on, especially the way your parents raised you as a golden child. My dad is a golden child, and all of his friends are 15 to 20 years older. He went to university when he was 15 and that had to be a difficult experience -- who is mature at 15? He couldn't socialize like others who were 18 (he lived in a province where the drinking age was 18). But he glosses over that, it's a source of pride, and very wrapped tight with his identity. It feels like he is from the generation before him, same as his parents. He seems to have a hard time being vulnerable.

He passed on some of that to me. I don't think he has a PD, but very strong narcissistic traits, so I have some watered down golden child experiences that didn't really go far. I think the hardest thing about the golden child complex is that it's about scarcity. Like there isn't enough of something to go around, only one person can have whatever it is (ie. being smart, being a good kid, being athletic, being the first of this or that).

[Turkish]

Trog,

I feel you. I was largely rejected by peers from a young age for reasons I won't go into since they have nothing to do with BPD. I always felt I was an "old soul," and I always preferred the company of older people. Emotionally, they were more safe; logically, I learned by listening. When I was 12 and 13, my mom told me that her friend's 40 year old bf really liked my company, and she intuited that he liked me a lot more than his "step" kids of the same age. More adult conversations, and I picked up on playing his adult-level board games, too.

Soon after, and into my 20s, I realized that much older women were attracted to me, too. Like twice my age.

I was the latchkey kid of a single mother (BPD), who worked nights. So in a sense, I was left to raise myself.

My work experiences are similar to yours. I've only gotten one bad review in my 23 years of corporate work history, and it was my first, being thrown to the wolves when I was 20 and didn't know better, being naive. The previous 4 years, I excelled in my restaurant job. So we know what to do? Is it false, or are we just intuitive? I just got an above average raise, and I don't think I deserve it, having pulled back this previous year due to dealing with my break up, the kds and such. Do you feel like you don't deserve the attention and respect you've been given?

[Trollvaaken]

Hi,

I'm a member of the perfect child club. I wasn't so much rejected by my peers, but rather I isolated myself from them. I was a good girl and my uBPD mom told me so a lot. I was in all sorts of extracurricular activities as well as tutoring. Teachers loved me, but unfortunately, that meant that if there was a school trip or anything like that and someone had to be paired with a teacher, it was always me. I never got to be left alone with all the other kids. There were times when this would be very painful, seeing my peers hanging out and flirting while I was stuck in some conversation about Dostoeyevsky with a middle aged man. Things like this happened a lot. I too noticed that it was primarily older men who were interested in me because I was so mature (I really wasn't, I just knew how to behave).

Anyway, when I was 20, I went on an exchange abroad and befriended some people my age. We went a school trip by train and I was chosen to share a sleeping car with the teachers... .ugh again. That's when I realized that the reason I was always stuck with the 'adults' was because I was always trying to impress my superiors. This wasn't on purpose, this is just what I had always been taught to do.

My employers have always been very satisfied with my work and I have gotten many recommendations. Being a "goodie-two-shoes" has its benefits as I am sure you wouldn't deny, but remember that you have the power to turn it off, you don't have to impress everyone. Impress only those that you want to impress and don't feel pressured to do it for the others, it is too tiring and pointless and, if you are like me, stressful to feel like you always have to be on your best behavior constantly.

So my advice to you is to relax and allow yourself to be silly or stupid with your peers in a safe setting where you don't feel like you have to impress anyone. Doing stuff with people outside of work might be ideal. A lot of people don't like their work colleagues being too aware of their personal life, so find friends outside doing things that you personally enjoy.

As a recovering Codependent, learning to make friends has been a top priority. Learning about what healthy friendships look like was the first step. I went through a period of time where I had to learn where to place people in my life. Such as acquaintances, friends and close friends. I had issues with having little to no idea of boundaries and how boundaries work in friendships. How to assert mine and be respectful of others boundaries.

I've been there. I had friendships that were enmeshed (my uBPD mom even joined in and enmeshed herself with one of my best friends) and untangling them has been a messy delicate process. I've also been accused of being withholding and secretive. It is very difficult to strike the right balance. I've also realized that after having been a loner for so long, sometimes being alone is the only way I can truly feel like myself (and also maybe because I have a hard time with boundaries, this makes it difficult for me to protect my identity in friendships and that is why they have ended up enmeshed).

[charred]

Same situation. I don't make friends well, haven't since I was young. We moved a lot and I had a harder time starting over each time. Pushed myself to achieve various goals, built up expectations of what it would be like accomplishing them, and then let down by the reality that nothing changed. Had a bucket list of things I wanted to accomplish, managed to do each thing... hollow victories.  Taking a class now for first time in years for a hobby ... .and regretting it. Lots of work, stilted conversation, ill at ease. Professionally I have done well, when I was bored or alone I would study and obsess, so I am very competent at what I do, but find myself irritated by stupid decisions made by others that effect me.

Feel like all the striving for accomplishment is some kind of crutch or diversion from living, but no longer know how to do it. Cannot imagine what it would be like to be normal.