Trying to come to terms with sexual and emotional abuse by uBPDm.

[polly87]

Hi there,

I know I’ve got this nightmare topic running, but there’s another important subject on my mind that I would like to share with you, so I hope that won't be problematic... .For some time I’ve wanted to write down how I was abused by my uBPDm. I am feeling very stressed atm and I am going to do something good with that energy for once; I’m going to try to get the whole story down on paper. I am so angry at her and feel like I have to get it all out now and I hope that will help me in my healing process... .I will tell about how she abused me emotionally, physically and sexually.

*** Please be aware that this post will contain details about sexual abuse and this might be triggering. ***

Part 1 – my first memory

My first memory is that of my uBPDm angrily shouting at my dad. He has got home with French fries for supper and she is angry with him because he is late. She blames him for always being late. The fries are in a white plastic bag. I don’t know why this stands out in my memory. I suppose I was looking for something neutral during that stressful moment.

I know that I was about one year old because my dad later told me that he was made to live at another place for two years before my parents got officially divorced.

Part 2 – sexual abuse

When I was about 5 years old, the sexual abuse started. I know this with some certainty because I got physical complaints around the time I turned 5.

The abuser would do the following to me. She would ask me to undress myself. I had to lay down on her bed. The duvet had been slung back for me. She would then “clean” me down there with cotton pads drenched in baby oil. She told me I was dirty if she did not clean me. This did not take place before or after showering. It was a random act. It took place about twice a week or so.

On at least one occasion, she must have raped me with an object, presumably a hair brush. I know this must have happened because I remember one occasion when I found about 10 long hairs in my vagina. Of course I did not understand how they had ended up there. I called uBPDm, she took them out and that hurt me. She did not look surprised at finding alien objects in a body opening whose existence I did not even know about at the time.

I suppressed these memories until Easter 2014, a couple of weeks after I had gone NC.

Around Christmas 2014, I suddenly remembered pain and the fear of dying, related to this memory of abuse. I do not remember anything else about that event (and I’m glad I don’t).

During this period of abuse, I became disgusted with my body. I refused to go to the bathroom and this led to physical complaints. uBPDm would not send me to the doctor but she got prescription-free medication from the drug store for me. Lest I should tell someone at school, she sent me to four different schools in a row and she made me skip a class, so that I was in five different classes during primary school.

When I was 9 or 10 years old, the sexual abuse suddenly stopped. I do not know why it stopped. I cannot tell when it stopped exactly. I just know that when I went to secondary school when I was 10, the “cleaning” did not take place anymore.

Other sexually abusive acts included her forcing me to shower with her, which I did not like because I was scared by her naked grown body. In her bedroom, she had photographs of herself naked.

Part 3 – emotional abuse

When I was angry, uBPDm would punish me. She would send me to my room and at random times she would beat me. This was not related to the severity of my faults, as far as I can tell.

My maternal grandmother told me that once, I got so angry with my mother that she (my grandmother) had to intervene. I apparently did not want to make things up with my mother. I cannot remember this event.

When I was sad, uBPDm would scold me for “not looking happy”. She forced me to throw away the grunge albums that I had collected because “that music makes you depressed”.  

She killed my rabbit the day after it had mated with the rabbit of the kids next door. She brought my cat to the pet asylum because it gave her an eye infection (but the eye infection lasted years after the cat had gone). She refused to cook me anything that included butter or potatoes. She would not let me go out as a teenager and if I went out anyway, I got into trouble with her. She would call me more than 30 times when I went to a festival with a friend. She did not care when I started to drink and smoke weed when I was 14, stressed because of having to move house twice in 6 months. When I was around 7 years old, she told me all the details about her problematic relationship with my stepfather G. When I was 13, she told me she wanted to kill my stepfather B. so that she would get his money. When I was 12, she got addicted to alcohol (and I heard from ex-stepdad G. that she still drinks a couple of bottles of wine a night when he last spoke to her). I was not allowed to play outside of the house (not even with the kids next door - that rabbit date took place at our garden). I remember sitting in the garden and feeling that I had missed out on childhood when I was 11. When I was a teenager, she said I smelled bad and my hair was dirty. She made me cut my hair short so that it “would not start to smell bad so soon”. When I got my first period, she was afraid that I would stain the floor. She always told me my knickers were dirty.

Because of her distant attitude, I felt I could never count on her as a little kid. I would lay awake in bed until midnight, waiting for her to go to bed, because I did not feel like I could trust her to remain home with me. When she went to bed and I fell asleep, I was often troubled by nightmares.

She made me wake her every morning when I had to go to school. Then she would blame me for being late. She brought me to school by car because I was not allowed to learn to cycle (which is of course the primary means of transport for the Dutch  ). I only learned to cycle when I was 10, before I went to high school. I was not allowed to see or phone my dad. I remember speaking to him on the phone once or twice when I was very little. After that, she’d tell me not to call him anymore. I met him once when I was about 13. uBPDm told me he used to hit her and she was so stressed during the entire time that I felt there must be something wrong with him. (I only met my dad and my other paternal family members about 6 months ago and it’s one of the best things that have ever happened in my life.)

Later on, when I entered a serious and loving relationship with my partner (when I was 25), uBPDm gave me hell. She would pick fights with me all the time and she would accuse me of leaving her, “discarding her” and so on. She would nick my things and then accuse me of wanting them back. She would not allow me to print documents I needed. She would ask back the key of the front door as if I did not live there. She took some of my possessions, such as second-hand furniture I’d been saving for my future home, clothes, and presents from friends. She’d pick fights whenever I left her to see my partner and when I was at his place, she’d call me and pick another fight. When I literally got sick of those fights (I could not go to my internship because of the panic attacks I was having) and I asked her to leave me alone for a while, she would get into the car and go on her way to visit me. When I refused to see her she got angry with me.

Then I got so fed up with her behaviour that I went NC for a couple of months, until she was ready to apologise. Some weeks or months after her apologies she started picking fights again. She would say how things were all my fault and so on. She would say that my relationship would not last three years (boy am I afraid that she’ll turn out to be right). She blamed me for calling my partner by a certain nickname. When I got fed up with those fights again, I decided to go NC for good. That was about a year ago. She still bothered me for some weeks with accusing emails, and she still tries to phone me but I don’t care about that.

Part 4 – physical abuse

As I have written above, I randomly got beaten when I was “bad” in her eyes. It is not the pain that was so bad but not understanding what I had done wrong that was worse than other times.

The day I moved out of her house to live with my partner, she forced me to go upstairs alone with her and she cornered me at the top of the stairs to the attic (where my room was) and she grabbed me violently, trying to knock me down the stairs. My former T said that she tried to kill me. I certainly felt my life was in danger at that moment.

During the early days of my relationship with my partner, she would pick fights with me just before I wanted to go to sleep. She’d keep me awake for hours, shouting at me and accusing me of all sorts of things.

When I was little, I saw her knocking down stepdad G. with his suitcase. He fled to his car and left for the moment, only to return after some days or weeks.



………So, there it all is, staring at me in black and white. For some reason it does not upset me at all. I feel better now that I have done this but I’m also dizzy with the effort and with mixed emotions.

I suppose there are lots of things I could say at the end of this post, but I don’t really know what to say. I just wonder what will happen now in my healing process now that I’ve finally made these things explicit to friends whose ability to understand abuse I do not doubt.

If you made it this far, or if you’ve read just a little of this post, thank you so much. I cannot express how much it helps me to know that there are people there in the world who suffered similar things in their youth.

Love,

Polly

[Harri]

Hi Polly.  How are you feeling a day after writing your story here?  It took a lot of courage to lay everything out like this here.  I have never written my entire story but I imagine it would be cathartic and draining!

Keep working on this stuff.  The more you talk about it and gain perspective and work the emotions through the more you will heal.  Take it easy though.  Remember to enjoy the good things you have and cherish those as well.  Balance is important too.

[Kwamina]

Hi polly

Harri is right when says that it takes a lot of courage to share your story here like this. You have been through a lot, unfortunately as a result of what your own mother did to you. The abuse you describe is heartbreaking and I'm am very sorry that you've had these experiences.

I notice that when you describe the sexual abuse, you don't refer to her as mother but as 'the abuser'. Is this intentional? Do you perhaps find it difficult to directly link your mother to the sexual abuse? Does referring to her as 'the abuser' perhaps allow you to maintain some distance from her and/or the abuse?

The sexual abuse is just horrible. There are also so many other aspects of your mother's behavior that are truly disturbing. Like her killing your rabbit and telling you that she wanted to kill your stepfather so she could get the money. And of course also her attempt to try and knock you down the stairs  This really brings to mind the so-called Medean Mother that Harri also mentioned in your first thread. Are you familiar with the book understanding the borderline mother by Christine Ann Lawson? In this book the author describes four character profiles pf BDD mothers: the waif,  hermit, queen and witch. When I read your story it seems like your mother has a lot of characteristics of the 'Witch'. You can read some more about the book here:

Understanding the Borderline Mother

I remember sitting in the garden and feeling that I had missed out on childhood when I was 11.

It still amazes me how similar the stories of the people posting here often are. What you describe here could have been written by myself. I felt the same way when I was that age and had these exact thoughts and feelings.

I was not allowed to learn to cycle (which is of course the primary means of transport for the Dutch wink ). I only learned to cycle when I was 10, before I went to high school.

Again, this could have been written by me. I think I was about eleven when I finally learned how to ride a bike. The shocking thing was that when I finally got a bike, I asked my mother if she would help me learn how to ride it. She coldly said no and turned her back to me and didn't look at me at all. Thinking of the coldness of that moment still sends chills down my spine. Luckily for me my supposedly 'all-bad' sister came 'round and she went outside to help me learn how to ride my bike.

(I only met my dad and my other paternal family members about 6 months ago and it’s one of the best things that have ever happened in my life.)

I am very happy that you now do have contact with your dad and paternal family. It's unfortunate that you missed out on so much with them but at least you've gotten to know them now. Have you discussed your mother's behavior with your dad?

She would say that my relationship would not last three years (boy am I afraid that she’ll turn out to be right).

I understand your fear, you probably internalized your mother's negative voice. But don't forget that you're mother was only projecting her own inner chaos and negativity onto you. When she said that you're relationship wouldn't last 3 years, it was most likely about her own immense difficulties with having relationships with people.

The day I moved out of her house to live with my partner, she forced me to go upstairs alone with her and she cornered me at the top of the stairs to the attic (where my room was) and she grabbed me violently, trying to knock me down the stairs. My former T said that she tried to kill me. I certainly felt my life was in danger at that moment.

You mentioned this before in your first post and this really is very disturbing behavior of your mother. It's sad to have to come to this conclusion, but your mother sounds like a very dangerous person indeed. I am very happy that you've distanced yourself from her and have put your own mental, emotional and physical well-being first. I usually only mention the mental and emotional well-being part, but in this case protecting your physical well-being was very important.

So, there it all is, staring at me in black and white. For some reason it does not upset me at all. I feel better now that I have done this but I’m also dizzy with the effort and with mixed emotions.

Two days have past Polly, how do you feel now? When you re-read what you've written here, how does it make you feel? Can you see that you were just a child and that you were powerless over your mother's actions which makes her fully responsible for the abuse you suffered? Can you sense and feel compassion now for your inner child and her tremendous resilience that enabled you to survive the ordeal your mother put you through?

[clljhns]

Hi Polly,

I want to join Harri and Kwamina in welcoming you! Your story is a powerful one and I thank you for the courage to share it.

I remember the first time that I recounted my abuse, it was exhausting and frightening at the same time. I was a complete mess. I cried and shook violently remembering the events. My uBPDmom physically, emotionally, and psychologically abused all of us kids and my dad sexually abused us. We didn't have a safe place to go as children.

When I was 9 or 10 years old, the sexual abuse suddenly stopped. I do not know why it stopped. I cannot tell when it stopped exactly

When I read this, I was reminded of my own experience. My dad stopped sexually abusing me at this age also. Without any understanding at the time of why this happened. I can tell you now that I understand he fits the profile of a pre-pubescent pedophile. I wonder if there are any other victims of your mom?

I remember sitting in the garden and feeling that I had missed out on childhood when I was 11.

This really struck a chord with me. I have many years of missing memories from my childhood because of the abuse. When I was 12, I remember standing in the front yard by myself, late at night, staring up the stars and begging to "go home." I pleaded for this life to be over. It was just too difficult. I did find a reason to go on, but now it escapes me as to what spurred me on through the rest of my youth into adulthood.

I am so glad that you are here and want you to know that you are safe and among friends. 

Let us know how you are doing. We are here to listen and support you!

[Deb]

Polly, you are brave for sharing this. I couldn't read most of it because it triggered me too much. But it's ok. I am working on my own issues of physical/sexual/verbal/emotional abuse perpetrated by my dBPD sister. The sexual abuse started when I was really little. She is 2 & 1/2 years older, which is why it probably wasn't taken seriously. It stopped when my sister understood that I could tell and she could be punished. The rest was passed off as sibling rivalry. But I know better. You keep working on yourself!  You are doing great!

[ennie]

Wow.  Really moving reading your account.  It does not surprise me that it does not upset you to write this.  The profoundly upsetting part is that this happened, and that you lived with this as a secret for so many years.  That you felt you needed to protect others from this, protect your mom.  You already went through this pain. 

Aa a stepmom to two girls with a BPD mom, I understand the pain and shame and anger that kids have when their mom treats them badly.  It is so hard for kids to hold these complex emotions about mom, the person we are supposed to be able to trust.  To have anger, shame, guilt, fear, pain, confusion, love, all mixed in there is just too much.  It is hard enough for adults to make sense of complex feelings. 

What I want to say is that you are very courageous for taking the steps to see and feel and release this pain, and that you ARE old enough now to deal with that complexity.  This is a beautiful and courageous act. 

I am deeply sorry for your pain and for how you were treated.  Your experience makes me want to make sure my stepdaughters are protected, so you telling your story helps not only you.  I respect your courage and honor your honesty. 

[polly87]

Hi again

Thank you so much for reading and replying to my post. I really appreciate it. I am surprised and moved by everyone’s compliments on my courage.

Harri, I am actually feeling more or less the same. When I wrote the post above, I felt that I needed to get it all out and I am happy I did. I had a lot of nightmares again. This night I dreamed the same dream a couple of times in a row. I was running from my mother and she was chasing me. I woke up exhausted again.

Today I tried to be kind to myself by talking a walk with a friend and her dog and listening to some relaxing music. Since a week or so I’ve been having trouble connecting to myself. I think I’ve been shutting down again. Tomorrow my partner and I will go for a day-long walk in the area where I’m from – it’s so beautiful and I am still homesick for it - so that will surely get my emotions to the surface again  

Kwamina, for some reason I had started to doubt whether the things I experienced actually classified as abuse. I guess I was still trying to deny it but now I cannot do that anymore. Maybe I needed to share this to force myself not to deny that I was abused.

I notice that when you describe the sexual abuse, you don't refer to her as mother but as 'the abuser'. Is this intentional? Do you perhaps find it difficult to directly link your mother to the sexual abuse? Does referring to her as 'the abuser' perhaps allow you to maintain some distance from her and/or the abuse?

Yes, I need to distance myself from her. I do not see her as a mother to me at all anymore. When I refer to her in a conversation with friends who know that I am NC, I usually call her by her first name. I am so disgusted with her that I cannot bring myself to connect the idea of “mother” with the person who did those things to me.

The sexual abuse is just horrible.

Thank you so much for validating this. Sometimes I think I am whining.

I’ve read Christine Ann Lawson’s book Understanding the Borderline Mother. I agree that my uBPDm has many characteristics of the witch. I think she is a Medean witch mother.  I read that book last year and just skimming the pages makes me wonder why I have not reread it yet. I think that will be useful. A quote that stands out on the page is “such a child [of the witch mother]  expects to be hurt by the person he loves.”

Kwamina, I’m sorry you also felt like you missed out on childhood - just like clljhns (I’ll get to you in a moment  ). I’m sorry you were left in the cold as well. It seems as if our mothers did not want us to become autonomous beings... .I’m glad your sister helped you though. Were you both all-bad kids?

Have you discussed your mother's behavior with your dad?

My dad told me that he went to see a T with my mother. They went to T for several years but it could not save their relationship. My mother wanted to have a relationship without sex but I suppose my dad got his way after all .

Anyway, it is really great to get to know my paternal family. My dad and stepmum are kind and loving people. My aunt is also great and I can discuss important things with her like how to deal with PTSD... .she also has PTSD as she was emotionally abused by my grandmother. My dad and uncles on the other hand were physically abused by my granddad. My grandmother also has PTSD because of traumatic events that happened to her in Indonesia during the war. My granddad could not handle the emotional strain that this put on their relationship and that was the reason why he abused his sons. My grandparents have been divorced for a couple of decades. I also have a step-granddad (you don’t hear that very often I guess) who is easy-going and fun to be with. He cheers up my grandmother just like my partner cheers me up.

When she said that you're relationship wouldn't last 3 years, it was most likely about her own immense difficulties with having relationships with people.

Thanks for reminding me of this. I mentally know that she was projecting her own failing approach to relationships on me... .but I am so afraid that people will leave me sometimes. I hope I will not become like her. For a start, I do not believe that “all people are a--holes “, as was her philosophical view of humanity.

Two days have past Polly, how do you feel now? When you re-read what you've written here, how does it make you feel? Can you see that you were just a child and that you were powerless over your mother's actions which makes her fully responsible for the abuse you suffered? Can you sense and feel compassion now for your inner child and her tremendous resilience that enabled you to survive the ordeal your mother put you through?

I find it hard to feel compassion for myself. I find it hard not to shut down now. I do not want to feel anything. I am afraid and sad. I must remind myself that I am allowed to feel now that I will not ever see her again but it is too much now. I am slipping in and out of emotions. I am angry at her and yet I am too afraid to feel.

Clljhns, I’m sorry you were abused as well. It’s striking that your father also stopped abusing you just before you entered puberty. I also have many missing years of memories. One of the things I do remember is failing to memorise lessons at school. I’m so sorry you wanted your life to end when you were young but I’m happy that you found something to live for. I used to look at the stars nearly every night (until I met my partner) and I just wondered what the heck I was doing in this life.

If there is anything you’d like to share about your story please feel free to do so. Did you know it was abuse when it started? I’m sorry you did not have a safe place as a kid. Did you find any comfort in talking about it with your siblings?

Deb, I’m sorry you were also abused. I find it very sad that in your case, it was passed off as sister rivalry. When did you find out that it was actually abuse?

Ennie, thanks for your reply. You remind me of my own stepmum . I’m happy that my story can help other children of parents with BPD. Do you think that your stepdaughters are at risk of being abused? I hope you can give them the maternal love they crave like all kids.

Thank you all so much.   

[polly87]

Now that I see the posted version of my reply I notice that some of my reactions seem rather short though I meant to go into more detail... .I guess it's quite hard to do so, so I'd like to thank you the more for having replied to my post so elaborately.

[Deb]

Deb, I’m sorry you were also abused. I find it very sad that in your case, it was passed off as sister rivalry. When did you find out that it was actually abuse?

Polly I started remembering about 7-8 years ago. At first I was in denial but slowly it all started to fit. I have had 2 seperate therapists tell me they thought I was  molested. And I resisted because I couldn't think of any adults when I was growing up who would have done that, Plus, my mom was hypervigilant. She constantly worried something bad would happen to my sister and I. Not because of anything someone had done thatmade her suspicious, but because of her own childhood. Anyway, I am feeling better today. I know I still have work to do on myself. But what else is knew. Polly, I am glad you are taking care of yourself.

[clljhns]

Hi polly87,

Did you know it was abuse when it started? I’m sorry you did not have a safe place as a kid. Did you find any comfort in talking about it with your siblings?

I didn't know that anything that was happening in my young life was abuse. I didn't have another frame of reference to compare it to. My parents didn't have close friends (except for one friend of my dad's) and we didn't live near relatives, so I didn't get to see how other children were reared. I was told that we lived with one of my father's brothers and his family, but I have no memory of this. I was also told by my siblings that they were sexually abused by our cousins during this time. I have no memory of any of this. I did not find solace with my siblings in relation to the sexual abuse because our home life was far too chaotic to talk about anything. When my mother would beat one of my sisters and my brother, we were told we could not comfort them or talk to them at all until she deemed it okay. We were to give them the silent treatment while she openly berated them. We also were forced to agree with her as she hurled insults at them. My father would molest me when my siblings were at school. My dad worked the midnight shift at a factory and would come home when my siblings were leaving to get on the school bus. He would tell my mom to put me in bed with him when he would lay down to "sleep." She would always do this. Years later my mom told my siblings that she caught my father molesting me in their bed. I had no idea that she told anyone of this. I do remember one time when she caught him molesting me, she took the shotgun and went outside to a large field and threatened to kill herself. I don't remember anything else said between them. I do remember how terrified my father was when she came into the bedroom and then left the room after seeing what he was doing. I do remember how terrified he was when he realized the shotgun was missing. He told me to stay in the house, but of course I was too frightened to stay by myself. I also remember that I had to find clothes to put on and dress hurriedly as he went out the door to look for my mother. Horrible memory, for certain, but it is just many of the horrible memories I have that exemplified the chaos and abuse in my home. So, no. We kids never talked about any of the abuse. We just held on for dear life and prayed that we would survive.

As adults we did discuss the abuse. My sisters and brother have no memory of being sexually abused by our father, but I would find it hard to believe that he didn't. We were so tortured as children that it broke any bond we might have had. Our paths have been separate all of our lives. I have no contact with any of them at this point, and I don't think that they have any contact with each other. I think the level of abuse was such that to be in contact is a constant reminder of a time in our lives that was painful. There was also some sibling rivalry because I was my father's golden child and he would give me gifts, in front of my siblings. This was very painful for them, and I believe they still carry this pain today.

Polly, the one thing I have come to understand as an adult is that I was not responsible for the actions of my parents. I cannot make them better, or change the course they charted for us kids. What I can do is take care of myself and learn to grow through the pain and into a person who is not fettered with the chains of abuse.

Tell me what you are thinking about doing for yourself? Have you considered talking with a professional to help sort all of this out?

I want to commend you again on taking a leap of faith here and sharing your painful story. This is just the beginning on the journey of your healing.

Peace and blessings! 

[Harri]

Hi Polly.  I am glad you have been able to focus on relaxing things in addition to all the hard work you have been doing.  I think the dreams will continue for a bit more as you work on healing.  I think too that shutting down is an almost given considering everything.   Just give it time and be good to yourself.  Sometimes a sleeping aid (for short term use only though) can help you get through though I generally can't stand the things as they make me and the world go all wonky. 

But if the lack of sleep or dreaming is making it hard to function at work, you might want to think about it.

How have you been doing with the self-injury?  In your intro thread you mentioned that you keep telling yourself "this will be the last time" and then wonder if you are bound to be disappointed.  I am bringing this up again because i think it is important to make a few points.  Right now, perhaps it is a bit too much to expect to stop it cold turkey and that is okay Polly.  Do not be too hard on yourself.  Some behaviors will take time to change.  Over time, as you continue to express your emotions here you will be able to cut down and eventually stop expressing them through self injury.  when you are ready, do a google search on "how to stop self injury".  Lots of the sites talk about techniques in place of cutting, but they can apply to any type of self harming behaviors.  I mention this only because we left a few things hanging in your intro thread.  If you already knew all this, please forgive me.  I tend to get all mother hen-ish.   

In that other thread, you also mentioned it was important that other people know of your history and your pain and it was part of the reason you self harm.  You have received a lot of validation and understanding here and now you know there are at least a couple of other people here on this board who have experienced very similar things.  Does knowing that help you?  Do you think you could perhaps journal or even start a blog to help you get those feelings out in a way that others can see/read?  You could also post more about your feelings here, rather than about self harm.  I'm just throwing some options out there.  One that I read about that I am trying, though i do not cut, is to wear a rubber band on my wrist and then snap the hell out of it when I want to do what I do. It is working so so for me. 

I must remind myself that I am allowed to feel now that I will not ever see her again but it is too much now. I am slipping in and out of emotions. I am angry at her and yet I am too afraid to feel.

Polly, I think you are doing very well to feel as much as you are feeling.  Every release, no matter how short it may last, is one more step along your journey.  Relish each step and celebrate and when you shut down again, trust that you will feel again.  And know that you can handle it as you have already proven you can time and again.

Just *Be*.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello polly87, 

I just want to say how courageous you are at facing the abuse and continuing on your healing journey.

I am so very sorry that you went through all that... . 

And I am happy for you that you have a supportive partner in your life now, and I hope your trip was uplifting.

There is lots of good advice in this thread already and I just want to add one little but important comment. You say:

I suddenly remembered pain and the fear of dying, related to this memory of abuse. I do not remember anything else about that event (and I’m glad I don’t).

That is a very healthy attitude. We may or may not remember certain events or details about them, and in order to heal, we do not need to remember them all, or try to force our memories to surface. There was a fad in psychotherapy in the US in the 90s that encouraged patients to uncover/dig up all of their memories of abuse, and it only led to more trauma. The theory that if a person does not remember everything, they would stay "stuck" did not prove true, either.

We can heal and move forward with what we do remember. Seeing things for what they were and naming them helps, though. And then finding how it affects us in the present and how/what we need to change, skills or behaviors we need to learn is key. We can grieve our past, and then, we can leave it behind, and enjoy our present and future.

I am wishing you all the best, polly, you deserve it. Be kind to yourself. 

[ennie]

Ennie, thanks for your reply. You remind me of my own stepmum . I’m happy that my story can help other children of parents with BPD. Do you think that your stepdaughters are at risk of being abused? I hope you can give them the maternal love they crave like all kids.

Thank you all so much.   

I really appreciate your asking; that is definitely something I think about.  I hope my response is not too triggering!  But basically, I think that it is likely their mom is inappropriate with them, but probably not in as extreme a way as your situation.  Their BPD mom projects anything uncomfortable onto DH and I and the kids paternal grandparents, so most of what I know about this has to do with vague things from the kids, and lots of projections/false accusations from mom.  What I am guessing based on this is that mom "let" the kids nurse well after they were weaned, on an occasional basis, probably when she was drunk, up until SD14 was 11.  All of the accusations have involved breasts, and the kids do not show signs of other abuse.  Because BPD mom accused the kids' grandma of letting the kids fondle her breasts, there was a lot of attention by the kids' T (we took them to the T to have this evaluated before we made more than a "we hear you" response to these allegations by mom).  BPD mom is "hybervigalent" too, but also totally NOT vigilant with her friends or herself, so it is completely confusing to the kids.  We have had a number of therapists evaluate the kids in the least intrusive way possible, as mom was making these accusations and we wanted to see if there was any chance they were true... .plus, when mom accuses, she is often doing this when she feels ashamed of her actions. 

So we are pretty sure there is no truth in the events BPD mom alleged (we were present, she was not, it seems impossible that these things happened, but mom reported them 2 weeks later after receiving the custody evaluator's report in our custody litigation); but I am pretty sure based on what the kids have said that mom allowed some late nursing/breast play to occur. 

We have talked to the custody evaluator about these concerns, DH talked to BPD mom about these concerns, we spoke with the kids therapists about these concerns, and it really had no impact on custody or the court orders, but these things seem to have stopped.  It is hard being in this role, as we really want to protect the kids, but because BPD mom alleges much more wild sounding things, our real concerns pale in comparison, which makes the Court and others unresponsive.  Still, I think just talking about it with the kids and BPD mom and the court really changed the dynamic.

[polly87]

Hi there

Deb, I understand that you did not know at first. I only found out because the memory came back like a flash when my partner asked me if I had any happy memories of my childhood. I told him no and then I suddenly remembered something that happened to me that I did not understand. He told me it was abuse and I was in shock.

I’m glad you are feeling better now. It sounds as if you are a bit tired of healing? Is there anything that you would rather avoid?

Clljhns, I’m very sorry that these terrible things happened to you.

Like you, I did not know any other kids well enough to compare myself with. My mother did not have any close friends or relatives. Both of her longish romantic relationships involved continuous fights between my step-siblings and me. I have no idea what initiated these fights. I cannot remember provoking my step-siblings. So I did not know what the life of a “normal” or “average” kid (if they even exist) would be like. I thought my life was normal but it was far from that. When my mother picked a fight with my stepdad she forced me to take her side. I remember one time when she threw scorching hot coffee in his face.

I’m sorry you could not find solace with your siblings when you were young and I’m sorry that you don’t have any contact with them anymore. I understand that it would be too complicated though.

When I first spoke to my dad about half a year ago, we did discuss her uBPD and I vaguely mentioned that she abused me physically but not sexually. We have not discussed the subject ever since, because it’s just too complicated. I wish I could tell him about the sexual abuse though, but I’m afraid of the grief and anger we’d both feel.

I admire you in having accepted the fact that you were not responsible for the acts of your parents. It sounds as if you’ve come a long way. What do you mean exactly by growing through the pain?

What I can do is take care of myself and learn to grow through the pain and into a person who is not fettered with the chains of abuse.

Thank you for this hopeful image. I’m still struggling with allowing myself to take care of myself but it’s the only way isn’t it... .

Tell me what you are thinking about doing for yourself? Have you considered talking with a professional to help sort all of this out?

I am getting EMDR treatment for PTSD. I go to T once every two weeks. My breakthrough crisis coincided with my moving even further away from my former T (I already lived 150 km away from him but that was just about doable  )  so I had to wait a couple of months before I was allowed to start T in my new home town. I’m still trying to feel comfortable with my new T but I suppose that needs some more time.

I want to commend you again on taking a leap of faith here and sharing your painful story. This is just the beginning on the journey of your healing.

Peace and blessings!   

Thank you so much 

Harri, thank you for digging into my old thread again. The dreams/nightmares have not stopped yet. I have a prescription for sleep medication and I actually rather like the effect of it. It makes me sleep very deeply and calmly. I cannot take them every night though  so I often have a couple of broken nights and then one calm night. After this weekend’s long walk I slept soundly though, which was very nice for a change

The self-injury is... .well... .I have not been able to stop it yet. To be honest, I have trouble keeping exact track of how often it happens; I do not keep a journal and my memory fails me when I am stressed, which means that I often do not remember stressful events like being triggered or self-harming. Sometimes it happens a couple of times a week and sometimes it does not happen for more than a week.

Right now, perhaps it is a bit too much to expect to stop it cold turkey and that is okay Polly.  Do not be too hard on yourself.

Thank you so much. I find it hard to feel this way toward myself.

In that other thread, you also mentioned it was important that other people know of your history and your pain and it was part of the reason you self harm.  You have received a lot of validation and understanding here and now you know there are at least a couple of other people here on this board who have experienced very similar things.  Does knowing that help you?

Yes that does help me a great deal. Knowing that there are other people with similar stories and talking to them has helped me the most in my journey to recovery. The most important realisation for me was that I felt they should take care of themselves and that would also apply to myself... .I could feel pity for little Polly for the first time. Sometimes I find it hard to connect with her, but sometimes I listen to what she has to say... .she is very scared most of the time. A couple of days ago when I got triggered, I took her to that restaurant with my aunt in my mind... .she liked being in a safe place for a change.

I am very very grateful for the support I have received here. I can’t find the words to express how much it has helped me to talk with other survivors of (u)BPD parents and especially survivors of incest. Though the emotional abuse seems to hurt me the most, it is through the sexual abuse that I started to hate myself. So I’m trying to unhate myself and my body now

Do you think you could perhaps journal or even start a blog to help you get those feelings out in a way that others can see/read?  You could also post more about your feelings here, rather than about self harm.  I'm just throwing some options out there.  One that I read about that I am trying, though i do not cut, is to wear a rubber band on my wrist and then snap the hell out of it when I want to do what I do. It is working so so for me.   

A blog would be a good idea. I do not think a journal would well for me atm because I find it hard to be alone with my feelings. The idea of people being able to read the blog (even if they do not actually read it) would be comforting.

Actually, I wrote the opening post of this thread because I did not want to self-harm again but I was so angry! I wanted to do something positive with that energy for a change.

My T also told me about the trick with the rubber band – for me it’s also working so so... .sometimes it is distracting enough from the emotions I am feeling at that moment and sometimes it is not.

Polly, I think you are doing very well to feel as much as you are feeling.  Every release, no matter how short it may last, is one more step along your journey.  Relish each step and celebrate and when you shut down again, trust that you will feel again.  And know that you can handle it as you have already proven you can time and again.

Just *Be*.

Thank you dear Harri 

Pessim-optimist,

I just want to say how courageous you are at facing the abuse and continuing on your healing journey.

I am so very sorry that you went through all that... .   

And I am happy for you that you have a supportive partner in your life now, and I hope your trip was uplifting.

Thank you. I keep saying thanks to everyone but it means so much to me the you all find me courageous and doing okay the way I am.

The trip was uplifting and beautiful as always . We saw the first flowers of the year and it was lovely to smell the brooks and the earth again.

We may or may not remember certain events or details about them, and in order to heal, we do not need to remember them all, or try to force our memories to surface. There was a fad in psychotherapy in the US in the 90s that encouraged patients to uncover/dig up all of their memories of abuse, and it only led to more trauma.

We can heal and move forward with what we do remember. Seeing things for what they were and naming them helps, though. And then finding how it affects us in the present and how/what we need to change, skills or behaviors we need to learn is key. We can grieve our past, and then, we can leave it behind, and enjoy our present and future.

I am wishing you all the best, polly, you deserve it. Be kind to yourself.   

I am glad that it is not necessary to remember everything in order to heal. I remember enough to know that I was raped with an object and I do not need to know more. I already know more than I would want anyone’s mind to remember. Learning new skills and behaviour is a trial and error process I guess... .When the emotional stress becomes too great I tend to go back to my old behaviour which does not yield any positive results in my new situation.

Ennie, I certainly hope your stepdaughters have not been abused in any other way than you describe. Though this exposure and fondling is bad enough as it is, I am glad that they do not appear to have been abused in worse ways. Do you think there any signs that they have been physically abused? What is she like towards her kids? Is she as mercurial to them as to you as adults?

I’m happy to read that her sexually inappropriate behaviour seems to have stopped now. I hope that your stepdaughters have a good T to help them.


Thank you all again for your lovely responses to this thread. You’re helping me so much. 

[clljhns]

  polly87,

What do you mean exactly by growing through the pain?

Well, for me, it was getting out the pain of the experiences and then reframing them. I reframed them through a lot of talk with T. I didn't accept that I was a victim, not that I felt responsible, but I chose to see my experiences as lessons. Lessons for my soul's growth. I tend to lean toward Eastern practices and beliefs. So, I do believe in reincarnation, and because of this belief, I know that my soul chose many lessons to accomplish in this life. Not that I believe I chose to be molested. I see this as a breach in the agreement I made with the soul's of the people I call parents. I do believe that the people in my life were chosen by me to further my growth, and they chose me in kind. Because of this belief, I am free from the thoughts and constraints of a victim. While I was not in control of what happened to me as a child, I am in control of what happens to me as an adult. Therefore, I can no longer see myself as a victim. Adults make choices, and sometimes those choices come with unpleasant lessons. For me, as an adult, these lessons are necessary. The other part of growing through the pain is recognizing what I did for myself to survive the abuse. I purposely look for events that speak to my strength and perseverance in the face of evil. Knowing my strengths give me power to see how much control I do have over my life now. I have learned that I can choose to not engage people who do not honor me as a person. For those that are in my close personal realm, such as colleagues, I set boundaries and let them know when they have breached a boundary. I also can let go of many things said and done that in the past I would perceive as an egregious and deliberate act against me. I spent many years in "fight or flight" mode, so it was a natural reaction for me to run or stand my ground and fight. Now, I really don't feel the need to be on the defensive. As children being raised in such a chaotic and abusive environment, we had to be on the defensive for survival's sake. This is not true as an adult. Separating the two took a great deal of work on my part and the gentle guidance of a wonderful T. I think it is only natural that we tend to operate from a place of victimhood as an adult when we don't work to heal the pain that we carry. This pain tends to ooze out in all the wrong places and at the wrong times. It can feel paralyzing and cripple us as adults. Often after an event would leave me immobilized, I would look back and think of all the things I could have done differently. This is not the case now, because I trust the decisions I make. So, this is also part of the result of growing through the pain. A new sense of self. A new direction. A new frame of reference. A new reaction to the same events that would have thrown me into inner turmoil and unspoken rage. This has also led to the development of emotions that I did not have access to as a child. I didn't know what it felt like to be content. To be happy. To be secure. To be uncomfortable. To grieve. So, growing through the pain has resulted in a whole new world for me. This year I felt ready to develop new friendships. So I did. I am still working on trusting myself to be in a loving, committed relationship, but that will come when I am ready.


Where are you at with your PTSD? What has new T recommended you do to address the trauma? has T mentioned CBT? I found this incredibly helpful to get rid of the old negative messages.

[Deb]

Hi there

Deb,

I’m glad you are feeling better now. It sounds as if you are a bit tired of healing? Is there anything that you would rather avoid?

Hi Polly,

I am not really tired, just realizing that healing can be a slow process, done in bits and pieces.  But it took me a long time to get so messed up, so really, change doesn't happen overnight.

[pessim-optimist]

The self-injury is... .well... .I have not been able to stop it yet.

That's ok, polly... .with time, you will overcome

This may or may not be helpful in your particular situation, but I thought I'd mention it: I've been reading on another board about children and young adults w/BPD who self-injure and their therapists do not try to get them to stop, rather they try to teach them another coping mechanism to substitute for the self-injury. For example children that cut may be advised to tightly squeeze ice-cubes in their hands when they feel the urge to cut. Or, another one of these substitute coping mechanisms is the snapping of a rubber band on their wrist (something Harri also mentioned). There might be other ones that might work... .

[SlyQQ]

was wondering about less harmful alternatives to cutting, myself a 9 volt battery on your tounge might work with no long term side effects ( bit more jolt than rubber band to )

[polly87]

Hi again

Clljhns, thank you for your explanation. I can relate to the view that the soul chooses lessons to be accomplished in this life. To me, feeling that my soul deliberately chose this life and all of its circumstances used to give my life the meaning that it would lack otherwise. But when I could remember the sexual abuse again, there followed a period of no meaning at all. I did not understand why it would have happened to me. I still do not understand this but I try to focus on the positive things in my life now: I am NC with the abuser and she cannot harm me anymore.

Like you, I try to limit my contact with negative/toxic people in my life. As for friends, I have learned who were and still are real friends and who were not. As for family - my MIL shows some BPD traits like controlling behaviour, which I sometimes find hard to deal with. She is so reticent and introverted that I cannot even get through to her when I want to tell her she had reached or passed a boundary.

I spent many years in "fight or flight" mode, so it was a natural reaction for me to run or stand my ground and fight. Now, I really don't feel the need to be on the defensive. As children being raised in such a chaotic and abusive environment, we had to be on the defensive for survival's sake. This is not true as an adult. Separating the two took a great deal of work on my part and the gentle guidance of a wonderful T.

I think you are very brave to have accomplished this and I am glad you had (have?) a good T to help you in your healing process.

Often after an event would leave me immobilized, I would look back and think of all the things I could have done differently. This is not the case now, because I trust the decisions I make. ... .A new reaction to the same events that would have thrown me into inner turmoil and unspoken rage. This has also led to the development of emotions that I did not have access to as a child.

I am impressed by this... .I often wonder if it is actually possible to heal the part of myself that is afraid of feeling emotions. But your story is very hopeful.

Where are you at with your PTSD? What has new T recommended you do to address the trauma? has T mentioned CBT? I found this incredibly helpful to get rid of the old negative messages.

I am now receiving EMDR treatment to address the trauma. There is a “top 3”  of traumatic events and my T and I are working on number two now. I feel like I wasted a lot of time talking about self-harm in the first couple of months of T, but at that time I felt it was urgent. I still have a lot of work to do on that issue, but I chose to focus on the EMDR lately instead of talking much with my T. She has not mentioned CBT, though someone on this board (if I remember correctly it was Harri – but my memory fails me on this one) recommended DBT to me and I found this an interesting approach. What has helped me the most though is simply to share my thoughts with the wonderful people on this board. Also, I try to pray when in distress to stop my mind repeating negative thoughts.

This year I felt ready to develop new friendships. So I did. I am still working on trusting myself to be in a loving, committed relationship, but that will come when I am ready.

It is great that you are making new friends now – what does it feel like to you when you are with them? Do you feel like you can share many things? I am sure you will find a loving partner when you are ready.

Deb,

it took me a long time to get so messed up, so really, change doesn't happen overnight.

You hit the nail on the head there. We spent years and years in an awful situation so we cannot expect to heal instantly... .

pessim-optimist and SlyQQ, I find the rubber band useful sometimes. Other times I try to focus on something else than guilt and still other times my inner critic wins the race. Maybe I shoud make a voodoo doll of the abuser and beat *her* up instead... . 

[polly87]

I almost forgot – I told my aunt the other day that I was sexually abused by uBPDm. She was shocked and angry and sad... .and she said I was brave to share it with her. She called uBPDm a pedophile – I had never used that label before and I realised that I was not only used as a victim but also as an... .object to satisfy the abuser’s lust with, I guess. I also realised that there might be many more victims as uBPDm used to work with mentally ill children and later on she worked in a children’s jail. I can only hope that she never touched them but I fear the worst. I am so bloody angry with that sick f-ck who does not deserve the label of a ‘human being’... I just remembered this night’s nightmares in which I was pulling all her hair out of her scalp and she was screaming with pain. I woke up exhausted again.

My dad does not know yet. My aunt said that he is likely to go and harm her (or hire someone to harm her) if I told him but I still intend to.

[Kwamina]

Hi polly

I almost forgot – I told my aunt the other day that I was sexually abused by uBPDm. She was shocked and angry and sad... .and she said I was brave to share it with her.

Your aunt is right, you are very brave indeed Is this aunt your father's sister? Had you talked to this aunt before about the other forms of abuse you were subjected to by your mother?

She called uBPDm a pedophile – I had never used that label before and I realised that I was not only used as a victim but also as an... .object to satisfy the abuser’s lust with, I guess. I also realised that there might be many more victims as uBPDm used to work with mentally ill children and later on she worked in a children’s jail. I can only hope that she never touched them but I fear the worst.

Words can be very powerful and it also helps to get the view of an objective outsider. When you are raised a certain way, you might not even be able to fully see just how much abuse there actually was going on. For your aunt it was very clear though that what your mother did was sexual abuse. I hope your mother didn't abuse any other kids but I do share your worries now that I know she used to work with children. Children are by definition more vulnerable than adults and this was particularly so for the mentally ill and/or incarcerated children she worked with.

I am so bloody angry with that sick f-ck who does not deserve the label of a ‘human being’... I just remembered this night’s nightmares in which I was pulling all her hair out of her scalp and she was screaming with pain. I woke up exhausted again.

Your anger is totally understandable and justifiable given the magnitude of what you've been through. In the long run holding on to all this anger can hinder your healing but perhaps it can at this moment in time lead to another breakthrough for you. Would you say that you are you now better able to see that you were just a child and therefore powerless over your mother's actions? Are you able to see and feel too that the fact that you were powerless, makes your mother fully responsible for the abuse she subjected you too?

My dad does not know yet. My aunt said that he is likely to go and harm her (or hire someone to harm her) if I told him but I still intend to.

Do you feel like this was just your aunt's anger talking or do you believe that your father would really try to harm your mother if he knew the full extent of the abuse? When are you planning on telling your father about the sexual abuse?

[polly87]

Thank you Kwamina. Yes I meant my dad’s sister. She knew about the emotional abuse already – we have had some very helpful conversations about how to deal with the effects of it in our daily lives.

Words can be very powerful and it also helps to get the view of an objective outsider. When you are raised a certain way, you might not even be able to fully see just how much abuse there actually was going on.

That’s very true. Telling my aunt certainly helped me to see how wrong uBPDm was and how I could not stop the abuse from happening. Likewise, it was only when I got to know my partner that I learned that I was being emotionally abused by uBPDm. I did not know what was “good” or “normal”. I thought I was the problem. What a long road it has been.

In the long run holding on to all this anger can hinder your healing but perhaps it can at this moment in time lead to another breakthrough for you. Would you say that you are you now better able to see that you were just a child and therefore powerless over your mother's actions? Are you able to see and feel too that the fact that you were powerless, makes your mother fully responsible for the abuse she subjected you too?

Yes, I’m better able to see that I was powerless then and that it was her responsibility. She could have refrained from harming me yet she chose to do so. Because I allow myself to be angry, I can see this now, and because I can see this now, I am angry with her... .  This is not the only emotion I am feeling atm though and there’s still more under the surface.

My dad does not know yet. My aunt said that he is likely to go and harm her (or hire someone to harm her) if I told him but I still intend to.

Do you feel like this was just your aunt's anger talking or do you believe that your father would really try to harm your mother if he knew the full extent of the abuse? When are you planning on telling your father about the sexual abuse?

I don’t think this was my aunt’s anger: my aunt said to me that she was shocked and angry so I don’t believe she needed to say this to let out her anger. I do believe there is a slight chance that my father would try to harm my mother if he knew about the sexual abuse. My father has said to me before in a serious way that he would harm her (he mentioned a very specific way of doing so) if she kept stalking him like she used to a couple of months ago. I promised myself to tell him about the abuse next time I see him, which will probably be in two weeks’ time or so.

Meanwhile T is going okayish... .I left this week’s session feeling dizzy but that night I slept well for a change, so I suppose that was a positive effect of T. My T tends to be about 10 to 15 minutes late every time, and this makes me feel unimportant. A couple of years ago, I had a few sessions with a psychiatrist who would kick me out when time was up whether or not I was crying. So when I have to cry in the new T’s office I am afraid that she is thinking I am wasting her time. I do not want to go off-topic too much now... .I guess I’ll just have to try and tell her about this.

With the exception of that one night, the nightmares are still keeping me company. My T said that’d change in time though. She also said that taking medication during EMDR treatment would hamper the progress as emotions would not be as strong as normal, which makes sense... .

[clljhns]

Hi polly87,

My T tends to be about 10 to 15 minutes late every time, and this makes me feel unimportant. A couple of years ago, I had a few sessions with a psychiatrist who would kick me out when time was up whether or not I was crying. So when I have to cry in the new T’s office I am afraid that she is thinking I am wasting her time. I do not want to go off-topic too much now... .I guess I’ll just have to try and tell her about this.

Yes, I think it would be a good idea to address the lateness of T with T. You should feel comfortable enough with your T to tell them anything, including her tardiness. I think it would also be a good idea to tell T about your past experiences, so T has a good understanding of your needs. You are the most important person in that room! Don't worry about T feelings, it is all about you!

Take care and wishing you all the best! 

[polly87]

Thank you clljhns. 

You are the most important person in that room!

In that room or not, I tend to find this idea kind of difficult . But I'll try and discuss T's lateness with her in the next session.

Tomorrow I have an exploratory appointment with the police about filling a complaint (I’m not sure if that’s how you call it) about the sexual abuse. I talked to the local police station on the phone the other day and it made me feel a lot better because they actually wanted to know what had happened and they took it very seriously. I have no idea what this is going to bring me though. I have never heard anyone on this board about going to the police with their story of abuse.

[ennie]

I do not think you need to see it that you are the most important person in that room, but that you are an equally important person, and that you are paying your T to be there for the time you need, in a way that is focused on taking care of your needs; you are reciprocating by paying your T. Your T probably cares about whether you are getting your needs met, because that is her job.  So if you are experiencing thinking you are less important when she is late, that is relevant to the agreement you have with her.  If you never paid her and had an agreement with her that you would pay, one would hope she had enough self-care to be able to say, "I want you to pay me."  And likewise, one of the things you are learning is that your needs are important, that you matter.  So it is totally appropriate for you to advocate on behalf of your needs, just like your T would if she were in your shoes. 

Part of believing in a world in which your mother's needs should not have trumped who you are is being willing to be an equal.  This does not mean your   needs trump others' needs, but not to let them trump yours, either.  I see in my SDs that tendency to make BPD mom's needs more important to avoid upsetting her, but also to avoid BEING LIKE her.  There is a middle way, in which you just get to be who you are, with the needs you have, and in which you can let others let you know if they need something from you.  Hope this helps.

[clljhns]

  polly87,

Tomorrow I have an exploratory appointment with the police about filling a complaint (I’m not sure if that’s how you call it) about the sexual abuse. I talked to the local police station on the phone the other day and it made me feel a lot better because they actually wanted to know what had happened and they took it very seriously. I have no idea what this is going to bring me though. I have never heard anyone on this board about going to the police with their story of abuse.

I think this is a very brave, and empowering step for you!    Do you have an appointment with T after you meet with the police? At the very least, I think you will need someone that you can process recounting the details of the abuse with the police. Let us know how it goes.


Be well. 

[Panda39]

Hi Polly87 

I have been following your story too.  I just wanted to send my support as well for your visit with the police tomorrow.  Follow your truth, keep talking, keep getting your story out, each telling is one more step forward for you.

Wishing you well,

[polly87]

Hi   thank you for your responses ennie, clljhns and Panda.

ennie, being an equally important person as my T makes sense . Though a part of me is dreading the risk of her disapproval, I will discuss the lateness with her in the next session. As you can see I try to avoid upsetting her (just like I had to avoid upsetting uBPDm) and I try not to admit I have any needs (just like I had to do with uBPDm to avoid punishment).

clljhns and Panda, thank you for your support. I had this exploratory meeting with the police yesterday and I have an appointment with T next Monday. My aunt (my dad’s sister) knows about the abuse and I told her about my meeting with the police. Both the meeting itself and telling my aunt helped me a great deal, even to the extent that I had hardly any nightmares last night.

The meeting with the police went okay. Afterwards, though, I found out that it would probably be problematic if I follow through on this. If I fill a complaint about the abuse, there might be a lawsuit. Since I am victim as well as eyewitness of the abuse, I might be asked to testify at court. Obviously the abuser will be interrogated at court as well. So there is a chance (albeit a small chance) that I will be forced to meet her again. I have vowed not to set eyes upon her again as long as I live. So I do not know whether to follow through with my plan.

Tomorrow I will speak to the police officer who helped me to get some more information about this issue.

Still, complaint or not, it makes me feel better to talk about it. It makes me feel like I am the master of my own life instead of being ruled by others. Power and powerlessness are important issues to me and I am happy that I am making progress now.  

[clljhns]

It makes me feel like I am the master of my own life instead of being ruled by others. Power and powerlessness are important issues to me and I am happy that I am making progress now.  smiley

So happy to hear that you are feeling empowered by your decision. This truly is something to celebrate! Kudos to you!

[polly87]

Hi again 

Thanks clljhns!

It’s been a while since I’ve been here. I decided not to fill the complaint after all. It cannot be guaranteed that I will not meet uBPDm if there is to be a lawsuit and I do not want to give her the pleasure of seeing me in distress at that occasion.

Recently I’ve been feeling a little better, partly thanks to a reiki / coaching session that helped me gain some new insights about myself and recovery. The reiki lady (who is also a friend of mine) helped me see how I was blocking my progress by denying myself to feel radical compassion for myself. Though I had been able to feel some compassion, there was always a limit to it, just like when I was a kid and my mother got tired of comforting me. It helped me a great deal to just say this out loud to someone I trust and the reiki lady advised me to spend more time on self-care and compassion. Right after, I received the reiki treatment and this helped to ingrain this new view into my heart without my brain interfering  . And guess what... .the nightmares are 90% gone. I only had them one night when I was feeling sick anyway so that does not really count, does it :P

This is of course not to say that all’s well now. I still get triggered by certain things. There’s enough left to work on. But I feel like I finally made it to the next level  

I still have not told my dad because I have not seen him in person yet – he could not make it because he had to fix his car. In two weeks’ time I will see him at my (paternal) grandmother’s birthday but I will not be able to speak to him privately, alas. I still intend to tell him, but it will take some time... .I wish I lived closer to him and my stepmum sometimes.

About a week ago I told my best friend about the abuse though. We have been best friends since secondary school and her ex has uNPD so we have a lot in common. She was very supportive. Seeing the sadness in her eyes made me realise that it is okay to feel sorry for little Polly.

Last weekend I got some extra time with my partner as his band rehearsal was cancelled, so we went out for dinner and went to the cinema. It was only the third time in three years that we went out for dinner together and the second time we went to the cinema, so doing both on the same evening was a really big treat. I realised that I missed proper weekend evenings together. Before, I would not have voiced this, but I asked him if we could plan one weekend evening a month without parents, inlaws or band practice and just spend time together to relax. I think knowing in advance that we will have time together will make the weekly appointment with my inlaws less triggering, because I often feel I am powerless and cannot refuse to see them. (Their use of alcohol is another trigger but that’s another story.)

Sorry for going slightly off topic... .I just wanted to share how much better it feels to actually spend time on nice things and how this helps me to feel stronger than before.

Last but not least, the appointment with T got cancelled because she was ill. I only found out when I was there. They had tried to call me but I block anonymous calls because uBPDm still stalks me. They had not sent me an email because they "did not think people read their email during the afternoon". I did not get an extra appointment as a replacement for the missed one; I will just have to wait another two weeks. That makes it four weeks between sessions. This T business is getting more annoying every time. I just hope I will have the guts to tell T this during the next session.