Let's Start A Closure Letter Thread

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I thought of an idea this morning. Since I refuse to break no-contact and send this to her or her family I decided to post this to her anonymously. Maybe this is a way for me to gain healing and let my feelings spill out into the universe.

To E

It's been a little over a month now since we last talked. I have my good days and my bad days. I still really cannot understand why you did this to me. I don't understand how you can be so good to a person and they can hurt you in the worst possible way.

I struggle with the shame and pain of giving so much to a person who really in the end didn't give me much of anything in return.

I hurt.

I wonder if you feel my pain? If you are with another man do you feel the echo of my sadness? How can you so easily replace me? How? Did all those days, nights, memories mean so little to you? Why did you drop me at the worst possible time? Why did you make me wait for so long? Why did you make me feel unattractive? Why?

It seems like thousands of questions go through my mind. I wake up in the morning sad and go throughout the day just trying to hold on. I go to bed at night missing you, wishing that you would come back. I stare at my phone hoping a text will come my way.

But you are silent.

As silent as you are now I know that someday you will come back for more. When your life is not so great and you need me to prop you up. When I have finally moved on and am ready to get on with my life.

I'm angry... .

Angry at the fact that you are now magically sexual with your new man. All those nights I was shut down and sent to bed hungry, now some other guy is getting what I didn't get. How you stifled our passion and blamed me that there wasn't a spark or connection.

How can you be so happy when you wreck a person's life? Amnesia! It's like I never happened. The thousands of dollars I spent and the hours I spent on the phone and skype listening to your problems. For what I ask? What did I get out of that relationship?

Now I'm alone! As you prey on your next victim I'm alone. Untrusting, apathetic, miles from where I want to be. You leave me by telling me how strong I am and how God has a plan. Letting me go because you could never love me the way I deserved to be loved.

I wish you were ugly. I wish you weren't so damn perfect on paper. I wish I didn't want to make love to you all night. I wish I never met you. The old saying that is better to love and lost than never to love at all never dated a BPD. You found every insecurity, pulled them out and beat them with a club, and when I layed there close to death you doused me with gasoline and set me on fire. And then dropped a meteor on me and detonated a nuclear weapon.

Yeah... .Somewhere in Colorado you are this morning. In love and happy with your life. I sit here in the Midwest in the melting mush of my own broken heart.

Thanks E

[Jack2727]

I thought of an idea this morning. Since I refuse to break no-contact and send this to her or her family I decided to post this to her anonymously. Maybe this is a way for me to gain healing and let my feelings spill out into the universe.

To E

It's been a little over a month now since we last talked. I have my good days and my bad days. I still really cannot understand why you did this to me. I don't understand how you can be so good to a person and they can hurt you in the worst possible way.

I struggle with the shame and pain of giving so much to a person who really in the end didn't give me much of anything in return.

I hurt.

I wonder if you feel my pain? If you are with another man do you feel the echo of my sadness? How can you so easily replace me? How? Did all those days, nights, memories mean so little to you? Why did you drop me at the worst possible time? Why did you make me wait for so long? Why did you make me feel unattractive? Why?

It seems like thousands of questions go through my mind. I wake up in the morning sad and go throughout the day just trying to hold on. I go to bed at night missing you, wishing that you would come back. I stare at my phone hoping a text will come my way.

But you are silent.

As silent as you are now I know that someday you will come back for more. When your life is not so great and you need me to prop you up. When I have finally moved on and am ready to get on with my life.

I'm angry... .

Angry at the fact that you are now magically sexual with your new man. All those nights I was shut down and sent to bed hungry, now some other guy is getting what I didn't get. How you stifled our passion and blamed me that there wasn't a spark or connection.

How can you be so happy when you wreck a person's life? Amnesia! It's like I never happened. The thousands of dollars I spent and the hours I spent on the phone and skype listening to your problems. For what I ask? What did I get out of that relationship?

Now I'm alone! As you prey on your next victim I'm alone. Untrusting, apathetic, miles from where I want to be. You leave me by telling me how strong I am and how God has a plan. Letting me go because you could never love me the way I deserved to be loved.

I wish you were ugly. I wish you weren't so damn perfect on paper. I wish I didn't want to make love to you all night. I wish I never met you. The old saying that is better to love and lost than never to love at all never dated a BPD. You found every insecurity, pulled them out and beat them with a club, and when I layed there close to death you doused me with gasoline and set me on fire. And then dropped a meteor on me and detonated a nuclear weapon.

Yeah... .Somewhere in Colorado you are this morning. In love and happy with your life. I sit here in the Midwest in the melting mush of my own broken heart.

Thanks E

[Tim300]

Good to vent.  I understand your frustrations completely.  I would definitely not send it, as I only see a variety of very bad outcomes coming from doing that. 

I would be interested to see how you would revise this letter 6 months from now.  I think your feelings will change a lot (mine have).  It's a rollercoaster of emotions in the fallout of a BPD breakup. 

You are better off without her.  I know that's such a trite and annoying phrase.  And honestly, in a breakup with another non, I think this phrase would be said to you without much sincerity; but in the case of breaking from a BPD -- it really, really is true.

[Mutt]

Hi Jack2727,

That's tough

Hang in there.

----Mutt

[Jack2727]

Thanks guys and gals! Part of healing is getting it out.  

[mercurious]

Dear Ratface

Good riddance.

P.S Give me my stuff back!

Just some brevity, to OP sorry your having a tough time  , there's light at the end of this tunnel. 

[Matt8888]

Nikki...   please refund me the $10,000 or more I spent on you in the past several months and pay me back for the engagement ring you constantly pressured me to purchase even though you knew damn well the wedding would never go through.

How can you go from begging me never to leave you because of all your drama to threatening me with a restraining order in a week's time ?  Why did you talk me into moving to a place right next to yours and then just a few days after you dumped me did you parade one of your orbiters in front of me on Christmas eve when I was supposed to be there with you and your kids.  I paid for their entire Christmas and spent it alone.

Why can't you get help.  Why can't you treat people better ?  Why do I still care for you?

[Tim300]

Nikki...   please refund me the $10,000 or more I spent on you in the past several months and pay me back for the engagement ring you constantly pressured me to purchase even though you knew damn well the wedding would never go through.

How can you go from begging me never to leave you because of all your drama to threatening me with a restraining order in a week's time ?  Why did you talk me into moving to a place right next to yours and then just a few days after you dumped me did you parade one of your orbiters in front of me

My story is so similar to this.  It's always amazing how similar the stories are.

[Tim300]

In the immediate fallout I would have written A LOT, probably including a lot about unconditional love, forgiveness, and memories of the good times.  It would have been a long letter.  I would have wanted to release some anger but would have held back.  Perhaps I would have suggested meeting as friends at some point in the distant future.  I am now more than 4 months out and here is my letter.

   Dear [Ex-Fiancee],



   Sincerely,

   [Tim300].

You read that right.  Four months out and I have nada to say.  Ziltch.  Nothing.  What can be said.  I think one of the most important things I've learned about BPD is that there is no reasoning with these people, and even if you're not trying to reason with them, they still can't comprehend normal adult thoughts, whether those thoughts would be nice, mean, or neutral.  It's just a complete waste of time for everyone involved to even try to communicate anything to them for any reason.  It would be like me writing in English to someone who only understands Japanese and has no access to any form of translation.  To boot, this Japanese person would look at the words and assume the absolute worst intentions in me, and would then take some sick pleasure in dramatizing about that.  No thanks.  I've started to read Valerie Porr's book on BPD and she explains well what's scientifically off with their brains (just to reinforce what I could already tell by my ex's sequence of completely illogical rages and thoughts).    

[Targeted]

I like this idea for a thread, I actually have been contemplating writing a letter because we know each other for just about 10 years, had I done that months ago it would have been a letter explaining how much she hurt me and what she did do that which would only create her becoming defensive and argumentative and turn things around on me with projection and blame. YUP! Just repeating the cycle we are trying to get off of!  I think most of us would agree that sometimes our emotions get in the way of the reality that they are not going to read the letter using the frontal cortex and logic centre of their brain, it will go right to the emotional centre of the brain and just be met with defensiveness!  If I were to write a letter at this point I think you would go something like this!

Dear ******,

It does hurt me To not respond to you when you reach out but everytime I show forgiveness and take your hand to console you once again you just wind up slapping mine even harder instead of holding it, each time we did this it got worse and worse, you started from getting mad and going out on one date and the third or fourth time you aren't up in bed in a hotel room with another man, at the end when I could not take any more because I can't you on your dating site once again you really scared me, you showed me a person that I really need to be afraid of, I wish you could have only seen your on face. When I left I told you we need to find a different Avenue of help so we can make it because what we are doing is not working, I sought out to find help and instead of joining me your reaction was to repeatedly call CPS on me to try and hurt me, I loved you so much I actually put those things out of my head so I could continue to search for a answer, it took me seven months of reading and searching and I just want you to know I understand why you would do these things, I know you really opened up to me and told me a lot about your life and that is not always easy to do but in the beginning you told me you wanted a guy Who does not just look at you for your body but can see the whole picture, well I do see the whole picture and I am sorry it is not the same one you have painted in your head. When you left me that message that you wanted to talk about the issue you had with your mother that was upsetting? You told me that you needed to talk to me as a friend because you knew I would understand? Were you still thinking of me as a friend while you were on the phone to CPS? Real friends don't do that! But unfortunately you are right I do understand! You gave me your history, you gave me the knowledge of you, you gave me a relationship and its progression with you which makes me understand so much more, when I listened to that message it tore me in two, I really wanted to take your hand and console you again but I always wind up getting slapped! Secondly, because of our long history and you opening up to me telling me all about the severe traumatic emotional neglect from your parents and in our relationship witnessing it first hand I did not just want to make you feel good for one more day and enable you to go on with your self destructive behaviors by putting a temporary band-aid on a old wound that needs to be opened and drained. It's where the abandonment fears come from, I know you said you don't have abandonment fears but your actions and behaviors showed them to me clearly! The other thing you showed me i now believe after learning all I have is that you did love me, and thank you for that.  It is unfortunate that along with abandonment fears  comes engulfment fears though! It's also part of why we failed, you can say it's not true but your actions say different, every time we got closer and more comfortable again is when my hand got slapped, you may take this as a letter of blame but it is not, I am sure there are things I could have done definitely as well, but I just wanted you to know that I believe I know why you have the coping mechanisms that you do and I understand and forgive you, I also hope that someday you may want to understand them yourself, it is easy to deny words that are said but actions are undeniable! Like I said this is not a letter of blame, just hoping to point you in the right direction to look into yourself so you can be happy and successful in a relationship, I wrote this letter because I really loved you, I really cared with all my heart, I just cannot afford to get slapped again, it hurts to much!