Did your SO BPD every mention they had BPD.

[vbor]

I'm new here and still trying to process the story for myself before I relay it in any detail. Thankfully I found this forum when I did. It has helped tremendously with understanding what has happened. My question is... .Did anyone's SO ever mention in passing or in the heat of an argument that they had been diagnosed or were dealing with BPD? Especially at the very beginning?

I'm 2 weeks NC and reliving every detail of the past 3 years in my head looking for answers. In doing so, my mind focused to that one night at the beginning of our relationship where she had mentioned (in passing) "Oh, my meds are for my BPD." I had never heard of BPD. Didn't know what it was and didn't address any further. Either did she. I dismissed entirely.

Admittedly, that was the biggest mistake I've ever made.

[jhkbuzz]

I'm new here and still trying to process the story for myself before I relay it in any detail. Thankfully I found this forum when I did. It has helped tremendously with understanding what has happened. My question is... .Did anyone's SO ever mention in passing or in the heat of an argument that they had been diagnosed or were dealing with BPD? Especially at the very beginning?

I'm 2 weeks NC and reliving every detail of the past 3 years in my head looking for answers. In doing so, my mind focused to that one night at the beginning of our relationship where she had mentioned (in passing) "Oh, my meds are for my BPD." I had never heard of BPD. Didn't know what it was and didn't address any further. Either did she. I dismissed entirely.

Admittedly, that was the biggest mistake I've ever made.

Hi Vbor!

Glad you found your way to this site... .it's proven to be an incredibly helpful resource in my own journey of healing.

I could be wrong about this, but I think meds are more commonly prescribed for BiPolar, not Borderline disorders.

Keep in mind, however: sometimes people are misdiagnosed, and sometimes people have concurrent disorders.

[caughtnreleased]

Hi,

Wow! That's a really interesting thing to go back to.  My ex did, on the second night we spent together, tell me he had BPD.  Only because something strange had just happenned and I asked him a couple questions... .and he kind of vomited this thing out of him (I have BPD).  I didn't know what it was, and he didn't really try to explain it, just told he would get really dark thoughts, and then told me to go look it up.  Well, that I did.  And I FREAKED OUT! More because I learned that what I understood my entire life to be normal relationships... .well turned out to be disordered abusive BPDesque relationships. When you learn that what you consider to be a loving relationship is actually abuse, well... .it rattles you. I went into crisis, and had to break it off with him within a short time... .It took me a long time to work through everything.  I'm still working through it. He kind of ripped the blinders off me... .and I can tell you, it felt like being thrown in the deep end without knowing how to swim for a while.  Sometimes we ignore things, because seeing them would be too painful... .I guess you need to understand why you looked away from that little detail.  Taking meds for something means it's pretty serious.

[hope2727]

Some people who suffer from BPD are prescribed meds. My psychologist and GP went over the possibilities with me when I thought my ex might come back. They range from antidepressants to mood stabilzers. Some research has indicated that BPD is biochemically very similar to rapid cycling bipolar at the sub cellular level. It appears both conditions have a flaw in a specific membrane signaling system.  Anyway just the science geek in me coming out sorry. Mostly it intrigues me because it was a signaling system that appeared on so many of my Biochem exams over the past 4 years and for whatever reason I could never memorize it. Weird now that I want to understand it for other reasons.

No mine didn't mention BPD but did mention depression anxiet and PTSD. He has since switched psychologists and seems to be getting slowly worked toward hearig a BPD diagnosis. Mind you it was months ago that I last heard from him. He always had a lot of the language of BPD though so I wonder if they knew and didn't tell him.  He spoke about self soothing ad that he was responsible for his emotions. He used that one as an excuse to NOT be responsible for the actions he took that hurt others however. After all I was supposed to be responsible for my emotions no matter what he had done to hurt me. It was ridiculous. Anyway at least yours knew the term. That sounds slightly hopeful.

[Tim300]

Hi Vbor,

Welcome.  Take your time to collect your thoughts and introduce your story at some point.

This is a good topic, thanks for introducing it.  My ex-fiancee never outright told me "I have BPD."  She also omitted to tell me about a serious physical health issue and massive debts, so it doesn't surprise me that she didn't outright tell me about her BPD.  Towards the very end I asked her if she had BPD and she said "I am scared to say yes because it could be a self-fulfilling prophecy."  I guess this was her way of saying yes, while maintaining some denial about it even to herself, even though she was in DBT and would often talk about BPD symptoms using BPD lingo (which I later realized).

In any event, through her mother, I had a similar experience as you.  Early on in the relationship (perhaps one year in, I can't remember) her mother said, "Hey, have you ever heard of Borderline Personality Disorder?"  I said something like, "Isn't that where the person is crazy and wants to kill people?" and her mother replied, "Well it's really about fears of abandonment, a fear that someone will leave you because perhaps your parents got divorced at a young age [which was the case here]. . . ."  Meanwhile, I recalled that her daughter (my ex) had repeatedly told me about her fear of abandonment (almost from the very outset of our relationship), so I replied to her mother, "No worries, I will never abandon your daughter.  I'll never leave her.  Nothing to be worried about."  I guess a part of me quickly read between the lines that the mother was telling me that her daughter might have BPD traits, but I never looked up Borderline Personality Disorder at that time.  I figured that I had no intention of bailing like her father supposedly did, so there was no reason for concern.  BPD sounded like a trivial issue to me.  A couple weeks later, I saw that my ex had a book about Borderline Personality Disorder at her apartment, and I said "Hey, I should read about this, your mom was mentioning this," and I think my ex just said something like "I'm going to hop in the shower now."  Boy, I wish I had read that book.  Also, I recall that at least once her mother asked me, "What do you think about personality disorders?" and I replied "Oh, they're no big deal.  I read about that briefly in my Psych 101 class 10 years ago.  I feel like everyone has traces of each of those disorders; for example, everyone is a bit bipolar, has some ups and downs, although I think I'm almost always up."  I think the mother was again trying to tell me about the BPD.  So, yeah, I kinda goofed up the way that you did.  But could either of us have really understood that this is a mental illness where you could know the person for 10 years and not be aware of it but then when you start getting intimate with the person the person starts going crazy at some point?  I don't even know if my ex (or her mother) realized just how insane my ex would get after a month or so of us living together -- my ex and her mother might have been almost as surprised as I was.

So yeah, I dropped the ball by not thoroughly researching BPD.  With that being said, the person with BPD should not just mention it in passing but should try to explain it for at least 5 minutes and should direct the non to resources to learn more about it.  Without me knowing about BPD, how was are r/s ever going to possibly work (not that knowing about it would have stopped the inevitable).

[TheBPDSurvivor]

  Vbor!

Looking forward to hear your stories.

My BPDexgf is undiagnosed but 3 weeks into the relationship, while texting, she said like she wanted to tell me something about her. I replied like I know everything about her., I understand her very well, etc., For then she replied like "You don't know nothing about me! What you think about me is not real! You completely misunderstood me!" I then called her to ask what's the deal. She said like "I'm not the girl you're imaging about. I don't know how to explain it but I'll tell you everything when we meet in person" in a soft voice. I was like "What the hell is she talking about and what is she going to say to me that I'm not aware of". When I visited her home(on her clinging) next day, I asked her to tell me the stuff she wanted to say about her. She said like there's nothing. like she didn't even remember what she told over the phone on the previous day.

Now I know what she wanted to tell. It's about her disordered thoughts. BPD = A bunch of heartless, emotionless, soul sucking mental retards disguised in a human body.

[Copperfox]

Mine never told me she had BPD.  But she would say things like:

- "I'm really needy"

- "I can be difficult"

- "I'm really sensitive"

- "I get attached really easily"

- "I didn't believe in real love"

And several other similar things, along with all the victim stories, weird sex stories, TMI stories, etc. All these hints.  So I think she suspects something is off about her, BPD or not.  In hindsight, I can see that pretty clearly, at the time though, just didn't put 2 and 2 together.

If you listen closely, they tell you who they are. Even early on.

[raisins3142]

Mine mentioned depression, anxiety, and PTSD.  She also detailed many things that are borderline symptoms, but she never said that word.

She was diagnosed with PTSD by a early 20s master's student doing free clinicals at a 3rd rate public school in the boonies.  Literally, the least expensive public school in the US, I believe.  However, it has been 14 years since the date rape incident that caused the PTSD and supposedly it still impacts her everyday (but she is not in therapy for it).  Funny thing is, she does not act like someone that is the least bit afraid of sexual assault.  If anything, she acts more cavalier than most other women.  So, I don't buy the PTSD diagnosis at all, at least as a primary and current issue.

I've told her that I believe she has borderline traits.  I hope it is useful to her.  My gut says she knows she has something like BPD, but to deal with it would require her to actually remember her childhood and all the things she has done as a result.  Now, those things are safely behind some "mental wall", but maintaining that "wall" is exhausting and I could literally see her fixing the mortar and bricks daily.

Mine would mention "black and white" thinking and "compartmentalization" and she would also describe disassociation without using that word.   She also spoke of repressed memories and not remembering most of her childhood.  She was also a cutter.  So, I'm not sure how she would not know this was a bit more than PTSD from 14 years ago (again not downplaying PTSD or rape, but I think my intention is clear that I feel she used it as a safety blanket to blame her issues on a single bad man that did something to her that she could discuss with others).

[vbor]

Thank you everyone for your responses. It really does help. Mine always talked about serious physical health issues and massive debt also. Always in the ER. Always sick. Always a fever. Times when she'd call and say she was in the ER and I knew she was calling from her house and I somehow dismissed it and didn't find it unusual. I still can't believe how many red flags I ignored. It was only a month ago the ER stories ceased after 2-1/2 straight years of them. She was always rushing and constantly pressuring me to have a baby and get married. When I finally committed to the marriage idea only a few weeks ago right before this breakup (what she called a "break" her tone changed dramatically. "Uh. okay. I have to take care of some of my debt issues before that happens". It's all starting to make sense now. Kind of.

[Tim300]

As one last additional thought, I do wonder if I had looked up Borderline Personality Disorder on the Internet only briefly, would I have just dismissed it quickly as "This isn't her, and nobody's perfect anyway, and this doesn't sound like a dealbreaker"?  I mean, if you look up the Wikipedia article about BPD, the intro doesn't exactly read as a warning label like the following: "Warning: If you are in a relationship with someone with BPD it might be advisable to immediately cut your losses and run.  The person may appear normal or perhaps just very quirky to you, but beware that despite all of the person's claims of love to you and need for you, the person will likely unexpectedly turn on you at the worst moment (e.g., as your wedding is approaching) and begin to hate you and intentionally wish to destroy you psychologically, financial, and/or physically, for reasons completely out of her control or your control."

[raisins3142]

Vbor!

Looking forward to hear your stories.

My BPDexgf is undiagnosed but 3 weeks into the relationship, while texting, she said like she wanted to tell me something about her. I replied like I know everything about her., I understand her very well, etc., For then she replied like "You don't know nothing about me! What you think about me is not real! You completely misunderstood me!" I then called her to ask what's the deal. She said like "I'm not the girl you're imaging about. I don't know how to explain it but I'll tell you everything when we meet in person" in a soft voice. I was like "What the hell is she talking about and what is she going to say to me that I'm not aware of". When I visited her home(on her clinging) next day, I asked her to tell me the stuff she wanted to say about her. She said like there's nothing. like she didn't even remember what she told over the phone on the previous day.

Now I know what she wanted to tell. It's about her disordered thoughts. BPD = A bunch of heartless, emotionless, soul sucking mental retards disguised in a human body.

Mine did this.

She would open up when drinking and upset.

She told me while camping "there are so many things I have to tell you about but can't tell you about, and it will take a lifetime for you to know all of it."  She was in tears at the time and nearly inconsolable.

Obviously, that made my hairs stand up a bit, but I played it off.


A week later, she was talking about a co worker going to counseling and she was encouraging her.

I saw my in and said "why don't you go to discuss some of those things you mentioned last week that you can't tell me about."

She said "I've told you everything, it is no big deal, I don't need any help."   

[Tim300]

Always in the ER. Always sick. Always a fever. Times when she'd call and say she was in the ER and I knew she was calling from her house and I somehow dismissed it and didn't find it unusual.

My ex and her mother (also a pwBPD) operated the same way.  They loved the ER.  Even just "not feeling well" might be a reason to go.  I kept Googling various terms to figure out what was going on and I came across Munchausen syndrome.  There are some threads about Munchausen syndrome on these boards.  There does appear to be some connection between BPD and Munchausen syndrome (or at least a fair amount of comorbidity).  Also, there are some threads mentioning a connection between BPD and headaches (and there have been some formal studies confirming this tendency).  My ex has dumped at least a couple guys because they didn't rush out to a hospital for her or didn't stick around long enough once she was there to deal with her latest trivial illness.

Oh, and at one point she messaged a mutual friend of ours to say that she had just gotten out of the hospital, even though I was with her and we had just gotten out of marriage counseling and were sitting in our apartment.  It was just weird.  No way to make sense of it.  Perhaps it was psychosis triggered by dysregulation from talking about sensitive issues with with the MC.