Conclusion:Untrustworthy

[felix22]

Hello, just sharing my conclusions. First of all, I have trust issues. This makes it very important for me to have transparency in my S.O.

     This weekend I had valid, tangible, physical reasons to have trust questions to ask.

I was met with the same snappy, impatient response that I've had before. We've been S.O.'s for years. I've received this type of response so often, when it was important to me. I've come to the conclusion, because of this and other ways they act, that they are untrustworthy.

     

     I am staying connected, lovingly. However, I will make some changes along with this decision. For one thing, if someone comes along and seems more trustworthy and cool, I will head that way. It's not for lack of love. I really do love my S.O. and, I am very attracted to their personality. It's more of an appreciation thing. That when it comes down to it, I feel a lack of gratitude and respect from them.  However, I am opening myself up to other possibilities.

     I feel like this is sort of a small insight for me. Yet still, an insight all the same. I want to stop dealing and giving so much to people who don't really care as much as I do. People who just want a sucker to take advantage of. This includes friends. I'm getting older and I don't have as much time to waste on nonsense.

     I don't really expect people to be 100% trustworthy. I think it's human to have faults. Yet, at the same time, I've go to find a way.

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[waverider]

Trusworthiness encompasses a whole range of definitions.

Is someone plotting to do you ill?

Has someone absolutely no regards to you, and looking to take advantage?

Has someone such a skewed view of reality they struggle to distinguish betwen facts and fancy?

Is someone so insecure they will automatically deny and fib to avoid being found out/blamed /thought lesser of?

Does someone exaggerate their actions in order to sound more impressive than they are?

Does someone use untruths as they more accurately describe how they feel, almost in the way others use analogy? (think of this as undeclared analogies)

Does someone mislead simply to maintain privacy?

Anyone with BPD, and other many PD's will fall somewhere on this scale. Our job is to be able to discern where, and set our levels of acceptance and boundaries so that we are not taken unawares.

[felix22]

Yes, this is a useful spectrum to analyze. However, when dealing with falsehood, we can often only guess where we fall on the wheel of not getting the straight story. That, in my opinion, is really crazy-making!

     What I am dealing with, is an overall pattern of irresponsibility and lack of regard for others. As my T asked me once "does this person have integrity?" I can often observe that in more ways they don't. When I compound the constant shock of being so inconsiderate, with the disdain for my trust-needs and questions: I am left with the awareness of a person that I can't fully trust.

    The exact parameters of that I am not 100% sure of yet. I'd make a strong bet that they aren't planning to do me immediate physical, or material harm. Yet, I don't know that I haven't been taken advantage of, or had their commitment to me broken. I am not sure that they wouldn't try to take advantage of me financially in the future. Though I am sure this hasn't happened so far. I have witnessed a few blatant lies, however you want to categorize them, that's what they were. And, I have repeatedly seen them take advantage of other's good will.

     As I read in another post, earlier in the day; I am getting to the point of acceptance and awareness with all of this. And, to the point of apathy. I still love this person and am going to stay connected to them. However, I do not have the same faith in them that I once did. I am realizing that there are slight changes I need to make in the ways that I do things. Changes that affect how much I expect from them and how far I offer myself and my energy. And, the change of keeping myself open to other possibilities.

[waverider]

When I first came here and was learning to deal with this my partner would have covered the whole spectrum at some stage. Following the work I have done on ME in firming up my own values and bounderies these different stages started to become clearer.

We are now at a stage were most of the residual "untruths" are now down at the bottom end of this scale, almost like inbred childish defensive behaviors and exaggerations. Mostly completely predictable and harmless.

Now these different stages have been identified and the disorder openly discussed, she has taken ownership of the worst aspects that occurred in the past and is horrified she ever thought that way, and would never again.

In short, complete truth in all situations is unlikely as it is too ingrained, but it can become harmless with no ill intent. It is a hard road to get there but it is possible.

[felix22]

Thanks for your replies. Much appreciated.

[JohnLove]

In short, complete truth in all situations is unlikely as it is too ingrained, but it can become harmless with no ill intent. It is a hard road to get there but it is possible.

Is it really, waverider?. I can see it right around the corner, but every corner I turn, it is around the next corner. My BPDgf tells me it is not intentional.

But that doesn't stop it hurting any less.  :'(

[waverider]

But that doesn't stop it hurting any less.  :'(

There is certainly a lot of pain and disappointment on the way. The path is there, but many will not make it to the end

[felix22]

Yeah, hang in there JohnLove! We love ya!