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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: A Story of a failed relationship with a BPD  (Read 1240 times)
llor
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Seperated
Posts: 79


« on: February 11, 2015, 12:45:53 AM »

I met my SO ex-wife more than 8 years ago now. She was everything I wanted: Brilliant, drop-dead gorgeous and we had so much fun together. She was honest and upfront:  she told me she had been recently diagnosed with BPD. Being ignorant, I asked her if it was a disease that could make her physically hurt people. She said no. And it was enough for me. We loved each other so much that she moved in a month after we met. Oh yes she told me stories about how all her exes were mean to her and that she used to be abit obsessive with them but nothing more than that. She said some of them called her crazy but I didnt care.  I have a ''strong protector'' side you see and that made love her even more. I should've seen the signs, but I didnt.

As she moved in, right away there was question about when we would get married ? At first the fact that I wanted to wait was tolerated but then it turned into tantrum every time somebody she knew got engaged. She was spending alot of money on buying new shiny things but back then I didn't care, she was only spending her own money. We had fights like any young couples but her reaction was always very emotional, accusing me of all crimes, of even ruining her life. It always got ugly when she was a bit drunk so I always blame the booze for her reactions not her. I also had noticed that she was very critical and made mean comments on people but got very angry at people for commenting on her. She started to get into fights with many of my close friends on the perception that she believes that they didn't like her. And the more I tried to reason with her that it was not like that at all the angrier she got (I know I failed to validate her feelings back then). Once I also was away for work during the week for 7 weeks in a row and she was calling everynight, crying that I abandonned her and so on. I saw the signs back then that this would not end well, but I choose to be blind.

Nonetheless we bought a house together. I had no much say in the house or the house deco, because you see what I thought didnt matter apparently. I finally relented and did the honorable thing and asked her to marry me which I thought would have made her happy for a while at least but it unleashed hell. She said yes but the problem was that my brother was to get married at the same time. She turned it into a competition with my sister and law and again claimed that all my family hated her. I tried to calm her down but nothing would work For the first time in my life I even got into fights with my brothers. Nonetheless the wedding went through. She even underwent behavioral therapy. But there was many nights where I sleep by our bedroom doors because something or someone had triggered a crisis in her and I was the subject of another hate speech of hers. I saw the signs but I felt I could not leave her.

Still I believed that we had a good life, but not according to her: we were never rich enough (we were making up to $250K a year together), I was never romantic enough, never good in bed enough, never there enough, never good looking enough. Still I loved her enough that we started to try to have a baby together. It didn't work. The verdict hit me in the chest last year in January: I was pretty much infertile. To her I would never be a good father anyway, had no ambitions, was not enough rich, didnt propose to her the way she wanted to be proposed too. She thought my wedding vows to her were junk. I still loved her with all my heart so I could'nt leave her. But I could'nt live with her either. Depression hit. I walled myself in, was contemplating suicide. She accused me of not opening up to her. Abandonning her. So she cheated on me. Finally one day she told me she wanted us to break-up. I agreed. She said she was happy because I quote (I ___ you not) ''Her pussy was on fire and she could'nt wait to get ___ed'' which she did 3 days later.

At first I was depressed alot because I lost her. I locked myself in. But then  I realized that I was always there for her no matter one and the only time I really wanted her to help me, she abandoned me. Left to rot. I was not in a real relationship, I was just there for her, while she was never there for me. I finally started to get my life together and after a few months started to feel better. We started to sell the house At that point, she had done all the drugs and the sex she could, she panicked, felt insecure and claimed she wanted me back. All hell got loose, she started harassing me at all time of days to get back together.  I took my stuff and moved out while the house was still on sale (Mind you I was still paying for the house bills). Finally the house sold, I even helped her move her stuff out, hoping she would leave me alone after that. Ya right.

It has been three months now since we havent seen each other physically and yet she still bombards me with texts on a weekly basis, ranging from the : I HATE YOU DIE MOTHER___ER, to the Awwww Honey bunny I miss you, come to me please with a lot of dirty pics of her. I try to remain strong, maintain NC but find myself still plagued with low self-esteem, alcohol abuse and random bouts of saddess and crying. But I have good friends, talk to my family alot and hope to survive this. My friends say I should start dating again soon, but right now I dont feel like it at all. I feel a bit PTSD about it all and somehow, even if I know it is not true, I always feel like I will fail to make a woman happy (in life, in bed, in anything really) Anyway, that is my story, sorry for the log post.
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Bianca

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Posts: 14


« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2015, 06:52:01 PM »

You survived her, be proud of yourself.  Now take the time to heal and be really good to yourself.  Something in me clicked off and I don't miss him, don't care what he thinks of me, and who he's with. However,  I get the PTSD analogy and completely sympathize.  I am totally shell shocked and can't even think of future relationships.  Be good to yourself, you've been through hell and survived. Take it one day at a time,  you'll find yourself growing stronger each day. 
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neverloveagain
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 227



« Reply #2 on: February 12, 2015, 07:27:18 PM »

Excerpt
 it one day at a time,  you'll find yourself growing stronger each day. 

this x1000 Smiling (click to insert in post)
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outside9x
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: divorced for 2 1/2 years
Posts: 222


« Reply #3 on: February 17, 2015, 08:54:19 PM »

hang in there.  I thought I had it rough and still think of her but know she was truly insane and so so abusive, but you seemed to have gotten punished much worse, though I hung on too just wanted to please her trying to please her dying in the process, and no matter what, like you , never enough and that works so much against us because we are locked into something we can't see the real truth and we are constantly devaluing ourselves second by second, and of course, questioning ourselves if we only did this or that.

You won't believe it but you are so lucky to escape.  Stay strong, and its got to be hard with her pursuing you, but realize its not you she is pursuing, its only to satisfy herself, not you.  ITS NOT ABOUT LOVE, AND IF YOU REMEMBER THAT, as much as that hurts, you will heal.   I am .  Stronger everyday, but I do at times have my moments, but its less and less.   My thoughts and heart go out to you.  This will pass with time.  Its so hurtful, I know!  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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apollotech
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 792


« Reply #4 on: February 18, 2015, 05:27:27 AM »

I met my SO ex-wife more than 8 years ago now. She was everything I wanted: Brilliant, drop-dead gorgeous and we had so much fun together. She was honest and upfront:  she told me she had been recently diagnosed with BPD. Being ignorant, I asked her if it was a disease that could make her physically hurt people. She said no. And it was enough for me. We loved each other so much that she moved in a month after we met. Oh yes she told me stories about how all her exes were mean to her and that she used to be abit obsessive with them but nothing more than that. She said some of them called her crazy but I didnt care.  I have a ''strong protector'' side you see and that made love her even more. I should've seen the signs, but I didnt.

As she moved in, right away there was question about when we would get married ? At first the fact that I wanted to wait was tolerated but then it turned into tantrum every time somebody she knew got engaged. She was spending alot of money on buying new shiny things but back then I didn't care, she was only spending her own money. We had fights like any young couples but her reaction was always very emotional, accusing me of all crimes, of even ruining her life. It always got ugly when she was a bit drunk so I always blame the booze for her reactions not her. I also had noticed that she was very critical and made mean comments on people but got very angry at people for commenting on her. She started to get into fights with many of my close friends on the perception that she believes that they didn't like her. And the more I tried to reason with her that it was not like that at all the angrier she got (I know I failed to validate her feelings back then). Once I also was away for work during the week for 7 weeks in a row and she was calling everynight, crying that I abandonned her and so on. I saw the signs back then that this would not end well, but I choose to be blind.

Nonetheless we bought a house together. I had no much say in the house or the house deco, because you see what I thought didnt matter apparently. I finally relented and did the honorable thing and asked her to marry me which I thought would have made her happy for a while at least but it unleashed hell. She said yes but the problem was that my brother was to get married at the same time. She turned it into a competition with my sister and law and again claimed that all my family hated her. I tried to calm her down but nothing would work For the first time in my life I even got into fights with my brothers. Nonetheless the wedding went through. She even underwent behavioral therapy. But there was many nights where I sleep by our bedroom doors because something or someone had triggered a crisis in her and I was the subject of another hate speech of hers. I saw the signs but I felt I could not leave her.

Still I believed that we had a good life, but not according to her: we were never rich enough (we were making up to $250K a year together), I was never romantic enough, never good in bed enough, never there enough, never good looking enough. Still I loved her enough that we started to try to have a baby together. It didn't work. The verdict hit me in the chest last year in January: I was pretty much infertile. To her I would never be a good father anyway, had no ambitions, was not enough rich, didnt propose to her the way she wanted to be proposed too. She thought my wedding vows to her were junk. I still loved her with all my heart so I could'nt leave her. But I could'nt live with her either. Depression hit. I walled myself in, was contemplating suicide. She accused me of not opening up to her. Abandonning her. So she cheated on me. Finally one day she told me she wanted us to break-up. I agreed. She said she was happy because I quote (I ___ you not) ''Her pussy was on fire and she could'nt wait to get ___ed'' which she did 3 days later.

At first I was depressed alot because I lost her. I locked myself in. But then  I realized that I was always there for her no matter one and the only time I really wanted her to help me, she abandoned me. Left to rot. I was not in a real relationship, I was just there for her, while she was never there for me. I finally started to get my life together and after a few months started to feel better. We started to sell the house At that point, she had done all the drugs and the sex she could, she panicked, felt insecure and claimed she wanted me back. All hell got loose, she started harassing me at all time of days to get back together.  I took my stuff and moved out while the house was still on sale (Mind you I was still paying for the house bills). Finally the house sold, I even helped her move her stuff out, hoping she would leave me alone after that. Ya right.

It has been three months now since we havent seen each other physically and yet she still bombards me with texts on a weekly basis, ranging from the : I HATE YOU DIE MOTHER___ER, to the Awwww Honey bunny I miss you, come to me please with a lot of dirty pics of her. I try to remain strong, maintain NC but find myself still plagued with low self-esteem, alcohol abuse and random bouts of saddess and crying. But I have good friends, talk to my family alot and hope to survive this. My friends say I should start dating again soon, but right now I dont feel like it at all. I feel a bit PTSD about it all and somehow, even if I know it is not true, I always feel like I will fail to make a woman happy (in life, in bed, in anything really) Anyway, that is my story, sorry for the log post.

IIor,

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. From what I could glean from your writing, you are taking way too much responsibility for the demise of the relationship. You were only 50℅ responsible for the relationship. With a pwBPD, you have to look at their actions to see the truth. Forget what they say; they are master manipulators. EVERYTHING will always be your fault. You will NEVER be good enough. Read these boards, they are full of Non's that were always at fault and always falling short of the BPD's fantasy SO. That being said, you are 100℅ responsible for yourself.

As others have stated here, now is the time to work on yourself. Build yourself up... .physically, emotionally, intellectually... .any/or all of the three. That will kick your self-esteem into high gear. Do something for yourself that you can take pride in. It's not about her or what you lost; it's about you and what you'll gain. I think you're wise in not dating right now; you're not ready to present yourself to a possibly new partner as first impressions can never be undone.

If she is triggering you with her chaos, the texting, pictures, etc., you might want to consider blocking her from all avenues of communication. You have a life, and it's your life--not hers. It's time to get selfish my friend; keep yourself from her.

Stay strong man. You are worthy. You will find peace. You were never the problem; her BPD was/is the problem... .remember that.
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llor
**
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Seperated
Posts: 79


« Reply #5 on: February 18, 2015, 02:32:27 PM »

Thanks all of you for the kind words. It feels good to see that I am not the "Only One" that went/is going through the process of leaving a BPD after having tried hard to make things work so many years.

A friend of mine (who happened to be a Psychologist' 2 for one there) told me that putting myself first now is not egoistical, its part of the healing process of having put someone first other than myself for so many years.

As one wise man said: the good thing about feeling like you hit rock bottom, is that for now on, things can only go up  Smiling (click to insert in post) !
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