Conflict with BPD SO's Exes?

[Depression = 72% of members]

So, I've recently gotten out of a relationship my diagnosed BPD girlfriend. A BIG source of conflict in the relationship was the relationship she had with an ex-boyfriend.

When we began the relationship, my girlfriend told me that she had gotten out of a 2 1/2 year relationship with someone who was highly unstable, possessive, verbally, emotionally - and she told me in some cases, physically - abusive. She described the relationship as toxic and co-dependent. They maintained a relationship as friends. I didn't think it was healthy, but I didn't think I was in a position to judge anyone's relationships. When we would discuss the relationship, she would admit that she knew it was bad for her, but that she couldn't simply detach from this person (she would often say things like "he knows me better than anyone", etc.)

After he found out that we were dating seriously, my girlfriend's ex had a breakdown and skipped town. He would maintain seemingly constant communication with my girlfriend, abusing her via text message, demanding that she call her on a whim. Then he arrived back in town and the two were caught shoplifting at a local mall. Eventually he left town, but not before things came to a fever pitch of conflict and triangulation.

After he left town, things were actually great between me and my girlfriend. But I noticed that she was still keeping very constant communication with her ex. This was after the persistent emotional and verbal abuse, and after the ex made it very clear when he was in town that he didn't like me and wanted me out of the picture. Obviously, this was troubling to me, so one night I told her - in as measured and constructive a way I could - that I wasn't uncomfortable when she texted her ex in front me. Basically, I was trying to set a boundary. This led to a huge argument somehow and our first break up.

I don't know. I'm just wondering if anyone else dealt with a situation similar to this? Ex-boyfriend drama, even abusive ex-boyfriend drama, etc.? Also, just let me say that I obviously can't verify if all of the things that she told me about her ex were true, but I can say this: I personally witnessed his emotional instability, possessiveness, verbal and emotional abuse, etc. I'm not saying any of that as an excuse for me being in the middle of that situation. I should have extricated myself from that dysfunction much sooner, but I've made my peace with that.

[mrwigand]

So, I've recently gotten out of a relationship my diagnosed BPD girlfriend. A BIG source of conflict in the relationship was the relationship she had with an ex-boyfriend.

When we began the relationship, my girlfriend told me that she had gotten out of a 2 1/2 year relationship with someone who was highly unstable, possessive, verbally, emotionally - and she told me in some cases, physically - abusive. She described the relationship as toxic and co-dependent. They maintained a relationship as friends. I didn't think it was healthy, but I didn't think I was in a position to judge anyone's relationships. When we would discuss the relationship, she would admit that she knew it was bad for her, but that she couldn't simply detach from this person (she would often say things like "he knows me better than anyone", etc.)

After he found out that we were dating seriously, my girlfriend's ex had a breakdown and skipped town. He would maintain seemingly constant communication with my girlfriend, abusing her via text message, demanding that she call her on a whim. Then he arrived back in town and the two were caught shoplifting at a local mall. Eventually he left town, but not before things came to a fever pitch of conflict and triangulation.

After he left town, things were actually great between me and my girlfriend. But I noticed that she was still keeping very constant communication with her ex. This was after the persistent emotional and verbal abuse, and after the ex made it very clear when he was in town that he didn't like me and wanted me out of the picture. Obviously, this was troubling to me, so one night I told her - in as measured and constructive a way I could - that I wasn't uncomfortable when she texted her ex in front me. Basically, I was trying to set a boundary. This led to a huge argument somehow and our first break up.

I don't know. I'm just wondering if anyone else dealt with a situation similar to this? Ex-boyfriend drama, even abusive ex-boyfriend drama, etc.? Also, just let me say that I obviously can't verify if all of the things that she told me about her ex were true, but I can say this: I personally witnessed his emotional instability, possessiveness, verbal and emotional abuse, etc. I'm not saying any of that as an excuse for me being in the middle of that situation. I should have extricated myself from that dysfunction much sooner, but I've made my peace with that.

[Tim300]

I experienced some behavior like this at times, for sure (it wasn't on such a consistent basis).  In any event, it actually sounds like pretty standard BPD operating procedure.  The pwBPD is almost always going to fabricate or actually perceive the other person as being emotional unstable, possessive, verbally and emotionally abusive, etc.  But furthermore, under these circumstances, who wouldn't become a bit unstable, etc.?

I remember my ex described her ex as someone who would lose his cool at times (he sounded crazy to me) -- oh, it was just a matter of time before I understood why he was likely losing his cool.

[Blimblam]

It can get messy with a rs with a BPD.  My ex drove me to being unstable and obsessed.  Then painted me that way to new potential attachments so they could then validate her.  After it was done I sent my ex some texts that could be construed as abusive but it was a reaction to her abusive behavior and a desire to resolve the conflict. 

This all falls into the karpman drama triangle.  The three faces of victim.  With your ex as the victim you the rescuer and her ex the persecuter.  It is always hard to know the real truth as a pwBPD typically sings that same song and dance as a way to form new attachments.  She may have driven him to the point of desperation from her behavior and he may have simply have been lashing out from being hurt by being led on and confused by push pull behavior.  Or he may have been genuinely a jerk it's hard tell.

One thing is certain her rs with him was ongoing durring yours and that's a huge redflag.