my shattered heart

[hope2727]

So I was doing reasonably well. Not great not terrible just reasonably. Then I have a "friend" who says hey com look at this and there splashed across the screen is my ex with the replacement making out and such on their Facebook page. Yup all the sexual innuendo and romantic comments and everything. I thought I was ok but as the day went on I got more and more upset and then BOOM ... .tears.

Yup I was replaced that easily. Better yet he was at a party he always refused to include me in and he was there with a lll his friends and some of mine. It looks like he was still contacting me and keeping me on the line while he was with her. No big shock there I suppose. I feel rejected and old and fat and worthless. I have been rejected by a loser so what does that make me? More of a loser?

Does anyone feel like they just can't imagine starting over? Does anyone feel like they just want to move away and hide from the world?

She even has a photo of them kissing as her Facebook banner. Classy. I feel like such a fool.

[fromheeltoheal]

I have been rejected by a loser so what does that make me? More of a loser?

Well, that's one interpretation, not a very empowering one.  How 'bout you've been freed by a loser who didn't know what he had, was incapable of appreciating it, and you know better than anyone that gal is in for a world of pain, just give it a minute.

And of course Facebook is not your friend.  Time to learn from the experience and get back to 'reasonably well' as quickly as you can; if you practice getting back there as fast as you can, one day you'll find you just stay there full time.  What did you believe about yourself when you were doing 'reasonably well'?

[neverloveagain]

Does anyone feel like they just can't imagine starting over?

/quote]

Im with heel to heals comment too. You are free i cant think of starting over either im nearly 1 yeear nc. But why define yourself by a relasionship?.start over when your ready being single and midfull of yourself dosent make you a loser far from it. Take time to re find yousrelf. And if tou you need to be alone thats cool you will be ok.

[christin5433]

So I was doing reasonably well. Not great not terrible just reasonably. Then I have a "friend" who says hey com look at this and there splashed across the screen is my ex with the replacement making out and such on their Facebook page. Yup all the sexual innuendo and romantic comments and everything. I thought I was ok but as the day went on I got more and more upset and then BOOM ... .tears.

Yup I was replaced that easily. Better yet he was at a party he always refused to include me in and he was there with a lll his friends and some of mine. It looks like he was still contacting me and keeping me on the line while he was with her. No big shock there I suppose. I feel rejected and old and fat and worthless. I have been rejected by a loser so what does that make me? More of a loser?

Does anyone feel like they just can't imagine starting over? Does anyone feel like they just want to move away and hide from the world?

She even has a photo of them kissing as her Facebook banner. Classy. I feel like such a fool.

Can u un friend him from FB ? I don't think I want to go through that. I took myself off FB for that reason she's a serious inconsiderate person w no regard to who she hurts. At least I assume so? I am deactivated I decided this year is me repairing me . She is too crazy and I don't want to be a audience to her glory of the end of our r/s and family .  

[Mr Hollande]

She even has a photo of them kissing as her Facebook banner. Classy.

Super classy. And desperate.

Your friend has shown very poor friendship skills by exposing you to that. If it's down to ignorance I would demand to be spared such things again. If your friend really doesn't understand the pain this caused you then it may be time to dump the friend.

[christin5433]

I'm sorry for this happening to you. It's pretty obvious you need to think who you feel safe to associate w like the previous post. I hope you figure out a way to not see this while your trying to fix urself. These BPD people are brutal when they turn u black ... .They leave they don't feel empathy and they move on to a new host.

You should just be glad u don't have to deal w his disorder. Sorry he hurt you

[jhkbuzz]

I recently blocked my ex on FB... .it felt a bit sad but in many ways it's been such a relief.  I unfriended her when I said goodbye, but I would still see her "comments" and "likes" since we have many mutual FB friends.  Now I can no longer see any of these, nor can she see mine.  We also cannot "search" for one another - so even banner and profile pix don't show up.

I like being on FB, and I like it so much more now that I don't have to worry about being randomly triggered.

And, to echo what someone else said, I would question the loyalty of the "friend" who went out of their way to show you that picture.  What a stunning lack of empathy.

[icom]

I have been rejected by a loser so what does that make me? More of a loser?

Twaddle... .

You are Fillet Mignon that was rejected by a demi monde who is only sustained by ":)oritos Nacho Cheese Flavoured Tortilla Chips".

Why have you convinced yourself that some half-wit who is operating with the emotional intelligence of a toddler is in the one-up position from you?

[Technique]

Its her damn loss. If she was THAT happy she would not be making such a big song and dance about the new source.

Many of us were replaced quickly. The trick is to get the power back. I missed mine terribly. Now I'm just passing through the anger stage. Whenever I felt myself slipping back into sloppy mode (making excuses for her awful behaviour) I reminded myself of the times she treated me like a total scum bag.

Stick at it. It gets easier in time, and blimey,. there are millions of women out there, ones who will treat you in the manner you deserve, trust me on that...

[icom]

Its her damn loss. If she was THAT happy she would not be making such a big song and dance about the new source.

Many of us were replaced quickly. The trick is to get the power back. I missed mine terribly. Now I'm just passing through the anger stage. Whenever I felt myself slipping back into sloppy mode (making excuses for her awful behaviour) I reminded myself of the times she treated me like a total scum bag.

Stick at it. It gets easier in time, and blimey,. there are millions of women out there, ones who will treat you in the manner you deserve, trust me on that...

Tell it like it is, brother.

Seriously, mate, even in a best case scenario, you cannot personalize rejection like this, as it isn't a refection or a function of your actual worth as a human being.  

Securing a mate is about rolling with the punches, acquiring the understanding that tastes differ dramatically, and that rejection is a fundamental part of the process.  When I reject a potential mate, I am not attempting to condemn her to soul to eternal torment.   We are simply poorly matched.  

When I'm rejected, I see it in precisely the same light.

[willtimeheal]

Hope,

Give yourself a break. You are human and you will have good days and bad days.  The way you talk to yourself is important.  Talk to yourself with care and compassion. You wouldn't talk that way to a friend... .well you need to be your friend now. Belittling and putting yourself down is what he did to you... .there is no room in your life for that anymore. Take each day one step at a time and start with being kind to yourself.  I have  been up and down the last week or two. It is normal in the  healing process. Cry it out, post here, an  most importantly take care of yourself.  Hang in there.

[eyvindr]

Exactly, icom --

Securing a mate is about rolling with the punches, acquiring the understanding that tastes differ dramatically, and that rejection is a fundamental part of the process. When I reject a potential mate, I am not attempting to condemn her to soul to eternal torment. We are simply poorly matched.  

When I'm rejected, I see it in precisely the same light.

It's called dating -- not permanent physical bonding at the atomic level.

willtimeheal says it well here --

Give yourself a break. You are human and you will have good days and bad days. The way you talk to yourself is important.  Talk to yourself with care and compassion. You wouldn't talk that way to a friend... .well you need to be your friend now. Belittling and putting yourself down is what he did to you... .there is no room in your life for that anymore. Take each day one step at a time and start with being kind to yourself. I have  been up and down the last week or two. It is normal in the  healing process. Cry it out, post here, and most importantly take care of yourself. Hang in there.

You can't be anyone's best friend if you can't be your own.

[jhkbuzz]

Why have you convinced yourself that some half-wit who is operating with the emotional intelligence of a toddler is in the one-up position from you?

OHMIGOD you are my new hero! 

[hope2727]

Thank you everyone. I would respond properly but I haven't been able to stop crying since 5PM. I am devastated. I guess some part of me held out hope for us. Some part of me wished for us to be the 1% success factor. But no. I am just like everyone else here. I was seduced, used (up) and abandoned.

Yup. Welcome to BPDville. Its an awesome place where the strong independent amazing person you are gets slowly devalued, shredded and diminished until there is nothing left but a husk of a human being who can't even find their own value.

I am going to open some seriously expensive wine, scrub myself symbolically clean in a scalding hot shower and then try and sleep until the alarm rings at 5:45 AM to lead into another day of my living hell. Should be awesome. Thank you all for your support. No one else understands.

It should be noted that I did and do love him. I did and do miss him. I did and do wish it could be different. However I must radically accept that it is not different. It is what it is. I am alone. He is not who I thought he was. I am still me however. And I am going to have to rebuild from scratch again.

Welcome to my life.

[eyvindr]

It sucks, Hope.   I'm sorry you're going through this.

The thing is, you have to, in order to come out the other side. Which you will. And it will be worth it. But right now, yeah -- it sucks. It just sucks. Hang in there.

[HappyNihilist]

Oh, hope, I'm so sorry you're in such pain.     

It is triggering to see our exes with our replacements. No matter where you are in the healing process... .it still brings up emotions and memories. I'm sorry you had to see all of that.

You're on the right path with radical acceptance.  Yes, it brings a lot of sadness with it. But it's the kind of sadness that comes with growth, with healing.

I echo everyone here who has encouraged you to take care of yourself. Be a best friend to yourself. Be gentle with yourself.

Welcome to BPDville. Its an awesome place where the strong independent amazing person you are gets slowly devalued, shredded and diminished until there is nothing left but a husk of a human being who can't even find their own value.

I've been there, too. I promise you that it gets better. 

You have so much love, compassion, empathy, and kindness. Turn that on yourself, because you need and deserve it more than anyone.

[patientandclear]

It's called dating -- not permanent physical bonding at the atomic level.

This made me wince and smile, both.  Rueful smile.  My ex actually said we were engaged in permanent physical bonding at the atomic level.  I am not kidding.  That is what he said.

[eyvindr]

patientandclear --

Ya know, I wish hearing that surprised me. But, having shared an r-ship with someone with this illness, I can relate to your experience.

It's called dating -- not permanent physical bonding at the atomic level.

This made me wince and smile, both.  Rueful smile.  My ex actually said we were engaged in permanent physical bonding at the atomic level.  I am not kidding.  That is what he said.

It's very romantic. I like the concept, I like the sentiment, I like the intensity -- but it's just magical thinking. Pretty words. Which are terrific, if everything else in the r-ship is healthy, mutual and in balance. Otherwise -- just pretty words. As disposable as the grocery list.

[christin5433]

patientandclear --

Ya know, I wish hearing that surprised me. But, having shared an r-ship with someone with this illness, I can relate to your experience.

It's called dating -- not permanent physical bonding at the atomic level.

This made me wince and smile, both.  Rueful smile.  My ex actually said we were engaged in permanent physical bonding at the atomic level.  I am not kidding.  That is what he said.

It's very romantic. I like the concept, I like the sentiment, I like the intensity -- but it's just magical thinking. Pretty words. Which are terrific, if everything else in the r-ship is healthy, mutual and in balance. Otherwise -- just pretty words. As disposable as the grocery list.

. Well said ... .I said in a previous post and got some laughs. To find someone special is rare and takes time and should be cherished but for a pwBPD it's like going to the grocery store and getting a gallon of milk. Real love doesn't come that easy ... .I know personally I need to heal for as long as it takes. Until I meet someone and I surely won't advertise immedietly on FB unless its way past this B/u .

Be glad to be on a new path ... .And one day ur probably going to get to acceptance and forgiveness for them . They'll just be a mistake of the past

[hope2727]

Thanks everyone. I know you are all right. Today I woke up to a tear soaked pillow. I was sobbing in my dreams of him. It been a long time since I did that. Then in those first waking moments I realized he is never coming back. There is no hope. No 1% chance of us having a happy ending. It hit me like a physical blow. He never intended to come home this past year while he strung me along. He is just gone.

I have to shower and go to work but somehow I wish I could just crawl into my bed and sleep. Somehow facing the day with out that hope is overwhelming. ITs like the last reason to smile and keep my chin up is over. Now I just have to trudge on alone.

I have always forgiven him. Radical acceptance I find hard because I just can't wrap my head around it all. Radical comprehension is maybe a better place to start for me. Oh well. Off to work for now.

Thanks everyone.

[Rifka]

It's called dating -- not permanent physical bonding at the atomic level.

This made me wince and smile, both.  Rueful smile.  My ex actually said we were engaged in permanent physical bonding at the atomic level.  I am not kidding.  That is what he said.

[Rifka]

It's called dating -- not permanent physical bonding at the atomic level.

This made me wince and smile, both.  Rueful smile.  My ex actually said we were engaged in permanent physical bonding at the atomic level.  I am not kidding.  That is what he said.

My opinion is that this person is very aware of their effects on a non. They have performed

this same skit in different costumes many times. They know they have this disorder!

Jmo

Rifka

[fromheeltoheal]

I have to shower and go to work but somehow I wish I could just crawl into my bed and sleep. Somehow facing the day with out that hope is overwhelming. ITs like the last reason to smile and keep my chin up is over. Now I just have to trudge on alone.

Yes, it's a huge leap going from a sliver of hope to no hope at all, a complete letting go.  It's a necessary step, but a very painful one.  The good news is now you have an opportunity to give yourself new reasons to smile, new reasons to keep your chin up, reasons that don't include abuse and disrespect.  And there's a difference between being alone and being lonely.  It really can be good, as you settle into yourself again, and slowly shift the focus from him to you and from the past to the future.  You may not want to hear that right now but it's true, and the way to get there is put one foot in front of the other, just like you're doing, and good for you!  One day at a time, take care of you.

[eyvindr]

 

Yes, it's a huge leap going from a sliver of hope to no hope at all, a complete letting go.  It's a necessary step, but a very painful one.

Think of it like this. Before, you were sitting on top of a stony precipice -- forgive me for struggling to describe this -- the right words escape me at the moment -- but think of something like this. So, you're on top of one of those spires. You got there by following a little bridge that used to connect it to the rest of the world. Since you arrived, that bridge has fallen down. So, now you're out there -- still surrounded by all this beauty, still able to see the rest of the world that you used to be a part of, except now you're out there, alone, stranded, isolated. It's a great view, but you're completely exposed to the elements, and utterly without any provisions needed to survive.

The only way off is to jump. You know it's going to suck, and you know it's going to hurt. You know you're going to get all cut up and bruised when you hit the ground. But it's the only way off. And, if you don't get off, you will perish up there alone -- you will die of thirst and starvation. The vultures will clean your bones, and then the sun, wind and rain will gradually reduce you to dust.

But, you will jump. Because you want to live. And once you're on the ground, you'll be reconnected to everything you need to stay alive. Including everything you need to heal from your fall. But first, you need to get back on the ground.



Prepare for the grieving process:

• Denial/Shock



• Anger/Frustration



• Depression/Detachment



• Dialogue/Bargaining



• Acceptance

You will go through this, in your own time, in your own way. Something to remember is this -- the hardest part to get through is the depression. If you followed the link and looked at the different diagrams, the ones I think make the most sense are the ones with the loopy helix-type "paths" -- b/c the grieving process tends to be less direct and more circuitous in reality. And every time we hit the depression border -- that's where we tend to cycle back into one of the other stages -- because our unconscious tries to protect us from the pain of the depression. But, until we get through it, we are stuck. You can't get to acceptance without going through the sadness.

Just like you can't get back on the ground and in the flow of a happy, healthy, productive life without taking that leap off the stony precipice and back into the world.

But you can do it. We're all doing it, or trying to, or failing, learning and trying again. But you can do it.

[christin5433]

Yes, it's a huge leap going from a sliver of hope to no hope at all, a complete letting go.  It's a necessary step, but a very painful one.

Think of it like this. Before, you were sitting on top of a stony precipice -- forgive me for struggling to describe this -- the right words escape me at the moment -- but think of something like this. So, you're on top of one of those spires. You got there by following a little bridge that used to connect it to the rest of the world. Since you arrived, that bridge has fallen down. So, now you're out there -- still surrounded by all this beauty, still able to see the rest of the world that you used to be a part of, except now you're out there, alone, stranded, isolated. It's a great view, but you're completely exposed to the elements, and utterly without any provisions needed to survive.

The only way off is to jump. You know it's going to suck, and you know it's going to hurt. You know you're going to get all cut up and bruised when you hit the ground. But it's the only way off. And, if you don't get off, you will perish up there alone -- you will die of thirst and starvation. The vultures will clean your bones, and then the sun, wind and rain will gradually reduce you to dust.

But, you will jump. Because you want to live. And once you're on the ground, you'll be reconnected to everything you need to stay alive. Including everything you need to heal from your fall. But first, you need to get back on the ground.



Prepare for the grieving process:

• Denial/Shock



• Anger/Frustration



• Depression/Detachment



• Dialogue/Bargaining



• Acceptance

You will go through this, in your own time, in your own way. Something to remember is this -- the hardest part to get through is the depression. If you followed the link and looked at the different diagrams, the ones I think make the most sense are the ones with the loopy helix-type "paths" -- b/c the grieving process tends to be less direct and more circuitous in reality. And every time we hit the depression border -- that's where we tend to cycle back into one of the other stages -- because our unconscious tries to protect us from the pain of the depression. But, until we get through it, we are stuck. You can't get to acceptance without going through the sadness.

Just like you can't get back on the ground and in the flow of a happy, healthy, productive life without taking that leap off the stony precipice and back into the world.

But you can do it. We're all doing it, or trying to, or failing, learning and trying again. But you can do it.

That was so good to read. Lots of hope. Thanks Im glad I stumbled on this the only way out is through.

[Copperfox]

A lot of great thoughts on this thread already.  My two cents ... .

Yup. Welcome to BPDville. Its an awesome place where the strong independent amazing person you are gets slowly devalued, shredded and diminished until there is nothing left but a husk of a human being who can't even find their own value.

Why would we let someone else define us?  Why would we let someone else be the measure of our value?  There is something there, something to learn from, to grow from.  Life is not meant to be lived in the shadow of someone else's whim.  Love cannot be lived on a knife's edge.  These relationships say as much about us, as they do about the pwBPD.  They spark questions, questions that demand answers.  Life has handed us a puzzle.  And we are left feeling lost.

But the answers are inside us.  The pain is not timeless, nor worthless ... .it's a signal.  A beacon to follow in the darkness.  Because the thing that bothers many of us the most, is why?  How could they do this to someone like us?  And therein lies the clue.  We question this, because underneath the FOG we still catch glimpses of our own value.  We sense it.  Like glimmers through a broken window.  That "strong independent amazing person" we always were, always have been, and still are. 

There are two paths in love and life. Live your dreams or live other people's dreams.  For a time, we let their "dream" define us.  And we lost our own in the process.  This is a chance to recapture that.  To remember who we are, to value ourselves.  And to learn never to let someone else, someone else's opinion, someone else's reality, define us.  We're the prize.  They lost us.  In the aftermath, we can toil, or we can rise above. 

Be the prize.  Strong, resilient, capable.  It's who you were meant to be.  Remind yourself, and the world, of what they lost. 

[eyvindr]

yw christin. happy to hear it helped you. 

[jhkbuzz]

Yes, it's a huge leap going from a sliver of hope to no hope at all, a complete letting go.  It's a necessary step, but a very painful one.

Think of it like this. Before, you were sitting on top of a stony precipice -- forgive me for struggling to describe this -- the right words escape me at the moment -- but think of something like this. So, you're on top of one of those spires. You got there by following a little bridge that used to connect it to the rest of the world. Since you arrived, that bridge has fallen down. So, now you're out there -- still surrounded by all this beauty, still able to see the rest of the world that you used to be a part of, except now you're out there, alone, stranded, isolated. It's a great view, but you're completely exposed to the elements, and utterly without any provisions needed to survive.

The only way off is to jump. You know it's going to suck, and you know it's going to hurt. You know you're going to get all cut up and bruised when you hit the ground. But it's the only way off. And, if you don't get off, you will perish up there alone -- you will die of thirst and starvation. The vultures will clean your bones, and then the sun, wind and rain will gradually reduce you to dust.

But, you will jump. Because you want to live. And once you're on the ground, you'll be reconnected to everything you need to stay alive. Including everything you need to heal from your fall. But first, you need to get back on the ground.

This is such an amazing description of what it feels like, both pre and post breakup.  THANK YOU - I'm printing this one out!

[eyvindr]

happy it helped, buzz. i think the muse must've landed on my shoulders today. either that, or some recent pics i've been looking at inspired me.

[hope2727]

Thanks everyone. I just never thought I could hurt this much AGAIN! :'(