bewildered & shattered at 23yr relationship ending so abruptly and nastily

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Sorry for long thread but I did ask, and was kindly told it would be ok being a newbie. If anyone has the time, I would be so grateful of any feedback.

I am left feeling so bewildered and shattered at how my relationship of 23yrs could be ended by my (suspected) BPD wife in the manner in which it did, and her doing everything she could to destroy me and my relationship with our 2 beautiful children. And I can’t seem to let her go, despite how nasty she turned, was without remorse, and why I am grieving so much now she has repartnered. She left me suddenly 4 yrs ago, strung me along for 3 yrs until having now repartnered, and it’s hit me finally that she’s never coming back. And no one can understand that after all she did to try to destroy me why I would want her back. I can’t understand it either and it’s driving me crazy not being able to let go. I’m in professional counselling, have medication etc but I can’t seem to stop wanting to email her and tell her how much she hurt me and how can she leave this way? Even though I know it won’t change her mind at all.

I feel alone as people can’t grasp what my problem is and why I can’t look for someone better for me, who I deserve. But we were, and my and her family agree, as do my close friends, we were soulmates and the most likely couple to never split. Things unravelled slowly though for us following the birth of our children and the subsequent trauma that followed. I seem to believe (and this may be deep denial) that she left me and took the children, to use to force me to fall into line with her sub Christian (cult) group she was involved in. I was critical of that and wanted her out. She wanted me to give up all alcohol (I was a mild drinker but no issue verified with GP and court psychologist), and have prayer to release ‘generational curses’ I apparently had that would be passed onto my son! I refused and was worried about her mental state – she was depressed and very vulnerable at the time. She left and wouldn’t tell me where her or the children were and wanted us to mediate about our future – like putting a gun to my head so I would agree to her terms or I wouldn’t see her or the children again. It was quite surreal (she was ex social worker in Child Protection and new the game) as she had Domestic Violence Government social workers help her leave and move into nice, subsidised housing.

I was her 1st ever boyfriend. She was 17yo and I 18. She grew up in a vey small town on a large farm. She complained often that she felt her parents always favoured her brothers (she is middle child) and that the brothers would often tease her, calling names, tickling her until she peed her pants etc. She said her father never showered love on her (although my observation was he was a lot more affectionate than mine or most fathers of the ‘old era’. Her issue seemed mainly over him never buying her a gift out of the blue or along those lines). She felt her mother favoured the men in the family. I wasn’t initially attracted to my wife physically, but we became best friends quite quickly, meeting through a church youth group in the 80’s. 6 mths prior I lost my dad suddenly. I felt good as I was able to help this country girl in the city, lost, unhappy with the new family she was boarding with whilst she started University, miles from her parents. She reached out to me, flirting, making it clear she liked me. After 6 months of friendship, I reluctantly kissed her but then felt it was what I wanted and we dated for 5 yrs before getting married. She wanted marriage early on but we had no money (I was also at Uni) but married after 5yrs of courtship. I grew to love her deeper and deeper each year, she called me her soulmate and I was convinced she was mine. We really were best friends and life was good. We travelled around the world for 6 mths, a year later we lived overseas and another country and worked there for 2yrs and we were at our best when away, on our own, just the 2 of us. She’s the type of person who appears outgoing and somewhat charismatic, but yet also quiet and unassuming at times. Seen as highly trusting and believable with anything she shares. A little needy at times though and not afraid to show some vulnerability. She is usually popular with most people she meets but yet cannot keep any long term friendships. Has had no major falling outs ever occur, but even very close friends for 10 to 15 yrs she just ends up drifting from and never communicating with again. Not all people get on with her though, some say they feel she is judging them deep down or she’s a bit reserved. So it seems mixed. One thing always stuck out to me though, her mother often told me she was difficult to live with, and for me to hang in there, thanked me for putting up with her and that as a child she was very determined and wilful. I felt that odd as we got on so well and we were so compatible in literally almost everything and I never saw that part of her. Until the last years of our marriage, and through the way she left me and did everything she could to keep my children from me.

We came home from living overseas as we were ready for a family after 8 yrs of marriage (13 yrs together). Birth was very traumatic, baby born suddenly 12 weeks prem and she nearly died as a result, unable to see him, hold him or bond for 2 days – could only see a Polaroid pic of him as she came in and out of awareness over those 2 days. 2nd baby born on time but had pneumonia after a week home and returned to neo natal care for a week. Then she insisted we have a  3rd child, desperate for natural birth (1st 2 ceaser’s) but had 3 miscarriages. Needless to say she became depressed. As did I, from stressful job, toddlers, no family support, and a stop at home wife making ever increasing demands on me to work part time and be with the kids more. She turned to a small sect within the church we were attending, who only counsel women and had history of advising wives to leave husbands labelling their male partners as abusive. A flash point that led me to angrily react and swear (inappropriately) and tell her to get away from these people happened when one night she came home and said a member of that group told him God revealed my wife was sexually abused by her father at 3 (y.o.) but she repressed it. She didn’t talk to her parents, never felt her father ever abused her, but prayed anyway to forgive him for his alleged one off alleged wrong doing. I objected to such blind acceptance – I became ostracised for being critical of her spiritual journey and next I knew, she was talking about us needing a 6 mth separation to break from each other, but it would ultimately strengthen our marriage in the long run. Since her miscarriages and start of counselling about 4 yrs prior to her leaving me, we did argue more. She would never engage though, telling me what she didn’t like but when I had a reason, or issue to raise with her she refused to talk and shut down any communication. I agreed reluctantly to a temp separation (I couldn’t convince her to stay) so we could both have time to reflect on ourselves, both very stressed with 2 young children and no family support or backup. She promised she would never stop me from coming around and seeing the children at any time. I made the mistake of saying, hang on, the break is for us and from us, not from the children and that I’d like to have them for a week, and her a week alternating. She said no way, and an argument ensued and she shut down and said we’d talk about this more at mediation I’ve arranged in a few weeks.

She arranged for us to attend a mediator so we could talk thru’ the practicalities of separation and what / how to tell the children. I was to go away for 3 days on business just prior. The day before I left, she was very amorous, made love to me, cried, and said she hoped we could meet every few weeks whilst separated and working through our issues to be together.

I came home from my trip 3 days later, and she had left, the house virtually bare and refused to tell me where they were. She refused any contact with the children. Because of that, the mediation session planned was cancelled and I was granted an emergency court hearing. She complained to me bitterly about issuing court proceedings and I said if you simply give me some access to the children and let me see them unsupervised I would gladly hold off. She offered me 2 hours a week in a park with her supervising at all times! That was unacceptable to me as the mediation organisation said an agreement might take 6 months or not be reached at all, and we’d then need to goto court which would be over a year away. So urgent court went ahead and she filed an affidavit accusing me of being a highly destructive violent abuser over the past 17 yrs of marriage, that I was addicted to child pornography, an alcoholic and could not be trusted to have the kids without supervised care as they would be at risk of being sexually abused at my hands if left alone with me. I could not believe what I was reading. I was cut, devastated, shocked she could say that about me. I learned she told the Government Child protection people this and they helped her move, and she told our church this and they helped her and wanted nothing to do with me!

At court however, she agreed to me having the children for several hours unsupervised for a month, and then progressing to overnights stays. That alone revealed that her sick claims against me were a fabrication, else she would never have consented to that. But it was the start of a long, drawn out 3 yr court battle – drawn out as she refused any compromise. None of her family or our mutual friends agreed with what she did but she didn’t tell them this is what she said, and refused to allow them to go to court with her. She only ever appeared with Govt Social Workers. Yet I had family there to support me, shocked with her allegations. Family Law prevented me from telling people what she was accusing me of. She told her family and friends and school I was dragging her through court, refusing mediation, and demanding everything my way. She formed new relationships with those who didn’t know me or talk to me or aware of our situation prior to marriage. She insisted our custody case go to trial which my legal team could not understand, and as expected she was lambasted by the Judge and she received a very damming report. We had 2 Child Psychologist reports that were damming on her and recommended the children have at least equal custody with me. Half way through her cross examination she accused the Judge of being biased and asked him to be removed. At the end of the trial, she actually apologised on the stand to me, for being reckless with the truth, yet outside of that she is as mad and bitter as ever.

Crazily enough, twice during the 1st 2 yrs of court and separation, we had 2 intimate times of reconciliation. She used to ask me ito the house for coffee when droping chilrens gear off etc. They were very genuine moments of reconciliation – her words were she felt trapped now, didn’t know how to get out of court, didn’t intend things to work out this way, had a 9 page letter she desparatey wanted to leave me when she left but was told not to as it would go against her legally if things came to that, and wanted to come back but her support network and DV counsellors were begging her not to. Like she was brainwashed. So was she, or is it part of BPD? We agreed both times to talk throu how to end court with compromise, then a day or 2 later when trying to make arrangements she suddenly turned on me and say she would never talk about us the Judge would have to decde the outcome, and she could not face giving me more time wth the children. In court, describing her inconsistent actions she blamed it on “Stockholm Syndrome” after allegedly suffering yrs of abuse at my hands.

She has since held onto vey photo and home movie (includes my childhood pics, late father and grandmother I was very close to, kids baby pics etc). Refuses to hand any over to copy or allow me to pay and her to drop off. Never lets kids come to me 2 mins away, she’ll find a friend or family to care for them instead. Yet she’s repartnered, caused me to lose so much money in court fees and spouse maintenance (alimony in the USA), kept the kids a majority of 3 yrs from me, made awful allegaions about me, isolated e from my support network (church) and acts as I am to blame for all this?

I really hoped we could've got together with someone once court was over to talk over the hurt caused on both sides and t at least, end the relationship on a better note than the way it did. I am so thankful I got everything I asked for with shared equal custody of our children but despite people saying I won, I didn’t – I have lost 50% time with my kids, my soulmate and best friend who I grew to love very very deeply. The pain is awful and the sense of injustice that she didn’t have to retract her statements publicly or put the record right is hard to live with at present. I should be wanting to run a mile from her – why can’t I?

Does she have BPD traits? And if so, why didn’t her psychologist and GP pick this up, or church counsellors etc. FYI we did attend a marriage counsellor who was a psychologist for 18months but she refused to do her ‘tasks’ and only complained of more things when I did mine. He concluded we had different values and core spiritual beliefs and probably couldn’t save the marriage. Maybe she doesn’t have BPD? But from what I’ve read, at least this seems to be the only thing that finally might make some sense of the situation... But where do I go from here and how do I heal? And how could I do things better next time (besides finding this site 5years earlier).

[avidtraveller]

Sorry for long thread but I did ask, and was kindly told it would be ok being a newbie. If anyone has the time, I would be so grateful of any feedback.

I am left feeling so bewildered and shattered at how my relationship of 23yrs could be ended by my (suspected) BPD wife in the manner in which it did, and her doing everything she could to destroy me and my relationship with our 2 beautiful children. And I can’t seem to let her go, despite how nasty she turned, was without remorse, and why I am grieving so much now she has repartnered. She left me suddenly 4 yrs ago, strung me along for 3 yrs until having now repartnered, and it’s hit me finally that she’s never coming back. And no one can understand that after all she did to try to destroy me why I would want her back. I can’t understand it either and it’s driving me crazy not being able to let go. I’m in professional counselling, have medication etc but I can’t seem to stop wanting to email her and tell her how much she hurt me and how can she leave this way? Even though I know it won’t change her mind at all.

I feel alone as people can’t grasp what my problem is and why I can’t look for someone better for me, who I deserve. But we were, and my and her family agree, as do my close friends, we were soulmates and the most likely couple to never split. Things unravelled slowly though for us following the birth of our children and the subsequent trauma that followed. I seem to believe (and this may be deep denial) that she left me and took the children, to use to force me to fall into line with her sub Christian (cult) group she was involved in. I was critical of that and wanted her out. She wanted me to give up all alcohol (I was a mild drinker but no issue verified with GP and court psychologist), and have prayer to release ‘generational curses’ I apparently had that would be passed onto my son! I refused and was worried about her mental state – she was depressed and very vulnerable at the time. She left and wouldn’t tell me where her or the children were and wanted us to mediate about our future – like putting a gun to my head so I would agree to her terms or I wouldn’t see her or the children again. It was quite surreal (she was ex social worker in Child Protection and new the game) as she had Domestic Violence Government social workers help her leave and move into nice, subsidised housing.

I was her 1st ever boyfriend. She was 17yo and I 18. She grew up in a vey small town on a large farm. She complained often that she felt her parents always favoured her brothers (she is middle child) and that the brothers would often tease her, calling names, tickling her until she peed her pants etc. She said her father never showered love on her (although my observation was he was a lot more affectionate than mine or most fathers of the ‘old era’. Her issue seemed mainly over him never buying her a gift out of the blue or along those lines). She felt her mother favoured the men in the family. I wasn’t initially attracted to my wife physically, but we became best friends quite quickly, meeting through a church youth group in the 80’s. 6 mths prior I lost my dad suddenly. I felt good as I was able to help this country girl in the city, lost, unhappy with the new family she was boarding with whilst she started University, miles from her parents. She reached out to me, flirting, making it clear she liked me. After 6 months of friendship, I reluctantly kissed her but then felt it was what I wanted and we dated for 5 yrs before getting married. She wanted marriage early on but we had no money (I was also at Uni) but married after 5yrs of courtship. I grew to love her deeper and deeper each year, she called me her soulmate and I was convinced she was mine. We really were best friends and life was good. We travelled around the world for 6 mths, a year later we lived overseas and another country and worked there for 2yrs and we were at our best when away, on our own, just the 2 of us. She’s the type of person who appears outgoing and somewhat charismatic, but yet also quiet and unassuming at times. Seen as highly trusting and believable with anything she shares. A little needy at times though and not afraid to show some vulnerability. She is usually popular with most people she meets but yet cannot keep any long term friendships. Has had no major falling outs ever occur, but even very close friends for 10 to 15 yrs she just ends up drifting from and never communicating with again. Not all people get on with her though, some say they feel she is judging them deep down or she’s a bit reserved. So it seems mixed. One thing always stuck out to me though, her mother often told me she was difficult to live with, and for me to hang in there, thanked me for putting up with her and that as a child she was very determined and wilful. I felt that odd as we got on so well and we were so compatible in literally almost everything and I never saw that part of her. Until the last years of our marriage, and through the way she left me and did everything she could to keep my children from me.

We came home from living overseas as we were ready for a family after 8 yrs of marriage (13 yrs together). Birth was very traumatic, baby born suddenly 12 weeks prem and she nearly died as a result, unable to see him, hold him or bond for 2 days – could only see a Polaroid pic of him as she came in and out of awareness over those 2 days. 2nd baby born on time but had pneumonia after a week home and returned to neo natal care for a week. Then she insisted we have a  3rd child, desperate for natural birth (1st 2 ceaser’s) but had 3 miscarriages. Needless to say she became depressed. As did I, from stressful job, toddlers, no family support, and a stop at home wife making ever increasing demands on me to work part time and be with the kids more. She turned to a small sect within the church we were attending, who only counsel women and had history of advising wives to leave husbands labelling their male partners as abusive. A flash point that led me to angrily react and swear (inappropriately) and tell her to get away from these people happened when one night she came home and said a member of that group told him God revealed my wife was sexually abused by her father at 3 (y.o.) but she repressed it. She didn’t talk to her parents, never felt her father ever abused her, but prayed anyway to forgive him for his alleged one off alleged wrong doing. I objected to such blind acceptance – I became ostracised for being critical of her spiritual journey and next I knew, she was talking about us needing a 6 mth separation to break from each other, but it would ultimately strengthen our marriage in the long run. Since her miscarriages and start of counselling about 4 yrs prior to her leaving me, we did argue more. She would never engage though, telling me what she didn’t like but when I had a reason, or issue to raise with her she refused to talk and shut down any communication. I agreed reluctantly to a temp separation (I couldn’t convince her to stay) so we could both have time to reflect on ourselves, both very stressed with 2 young children and no family support or backup. She promised she would never stop me from coming around and seeing the children at any time. I made the mistake of saying, hang on, the break is for us and from us, not from the children and that I’d like to have them for a week, and her a week alternating. She said no way, and an argument ensued and she shut down and said we’d talk about this more at mediation I’ve arranged in a few weeks.

She arranged for us to attend a mediator so we could talk thru’ the practicalities of separation and what / how to tell the children. I was to go away for 3 days on business just prior. The day before I left, she was very amorous, made love to me, cried, and said she hoped we could meet every few weeks whilst separated and working through our issues to be together.

I came home from my trip 3 days later, and she had left, the house virtually bare and refused to tell me where they were. She refused any contact with the children. Because of that, the mediation session planned was cancelled and I was granted an emergency court hearing. She complained to me bitterly about issuing court proceedings and I said if you simply give me some access to the children and let me see them unsupervised I would gladly hold off. She offered me 2 hours a week in a park with her supervising at all times! That was unacceptable to me as the mediation organisation said an agreement might take 6 months or not be reached at all, and we’d then need to goto court which would be over a year away. So urgent court went ahead and she filed an affidavit accusing me of being a highly destructive violent abuser over the past 17 yrs of marriage, that I was addicted to child pornography, an alcoholic and could not be trusted to have the kids without supervised care as they would be at risk of being sexually abused at my hands if left alone with me. I could not believe what I was reading. I was cut, devastated, shocked she could say that about me. I learned she told the Government Child protection people this and they helped her move, and she told our church this and they helped her and wanted nothing to do with me!

At court however, she agreed to me having the children for several hours unsupervised for a month, and then progressing to overnights stays. That alone revealed that her sick claims against me were a fabrication, else she would never have consented to that. But it was the start of a long, drawn out 3 yr court battle – drawn out as she refused any compromise. None of her family or our mutual friends agreed with what she did but she didn’t tell them this is what she said, and refused to allow them to go to court with her. She only ever appeared with Govt Social Workers. Yet I had family there to support me, shocked with her allegations. Family Law prevented me from telling people what she was accusing me of. She told her family and friends and school I was dragging her through court, refusing mediation, and demanding everything my way. She formed new relationships with those who didn’t know me or talk to me or aware of our situation prior to marriage. She insisted our custody case go to trial which my legal team could not understand, and as expected she was lambasted by the Judge and she received a very damming report. We had 2 Child Psychologist reports that were damming on her and recommended the children have at least equal custody with me. Half way through her cross examination she accused the Judge of being biased and asked him to be removed. At the end of the trial, she actually apologised on the stand to me, for being reckless with the truth, yet outside of that she is as mad and bitter as ever.

Crazily enough, twice during the 1st 2 yrs of court and separation, we had 2 intimate times of reconciliation. She used to ask me ito the house for coffee when droping chilrens gear off etc. They were very genuine moments of reconciliation – her words were she felt trapped now, didn’t know how to get out of court, didn’t intend things to work out this way, had a 9 page letter she desparatey wanted to leave me when she left but was told not to as it would go against her legally if things came to that, and wanted to come back but her support network and DV counsellors were begging her not to. Like she was brainwashed. So was she, or is it part of BPD? We agreed both times to talk throu how to end court with compromise, then a day or 2 later when trying to make arrangements she suddenly turned on me and say she would never talk about us the Judge would have to decde the outcome, and she could not face giving me more time wth the children. In court, describing her inconsistent actions she blamed it on “Stockholm Syndrome” after allegedly suffering yrs of abuse at my hands.

She has since held onto vey photo and home movie (includes my childhood pics, late father and grandmother I was very close to, kids baby pics etc). Refuses to hand any over to copy or allow me to pay and her to drop off. Never lets kids come to me 2 mins away, she’ll find a friend or family to care for them instead. Yet she’s repartnered, caused me to lose so much money in court fees and spouse maintenance (alimony in the USA), kept the kids a majority of 3 yrs from me, made awful allegaions about me, isolated e from my support network (church) and acts as I am to blame for all this?

I really hoped we could've got together with someone once court was over to talk over the hurt caused on both sides and t at least, end the relationship on a better note than the way it did. I am so thankful I got everything I asked for with shared equal custody of our children but despite people saying I won, I didn’t – I have lost 50% time with my kids, my soulmate and best friend who I grew to love very very deeply. The pain is awful and the sense of injustice that she didn’t have to retract her statements publicly or put the record right is hard to live with at present. I should be wanting to run a mile from her – why can’t I?

Does she have BPD traits? And if so, why didn’t her psychologist and GP pick this up, or church counsellors etc. FYI we did attend a marriage counsellor who was a psychologist for 18months but she refused to do her ‘tasks’ and only complained of more things when I did mine. He concluded we had different values and core spiritual beliefs and probably couldn’t save the marriage. Maybe she doesn’t have BPD? But from what I’ve read, at least this seems to be the only thing that finally might make some sense of the situation... But where do I go from here and how do I heal? And how could I do things better next time (besides finding this site 5years earlier).

[Turkish]

avidtraveller,

You've had an interesting life. It's tragic that after so long together, that things started falling apart the way in which they did. You basically finished growing up together... .and it sounds like she started becoming a different person.

That she fell into that church sub-group sounds awful, and contributed to the breakdown of your r/s. Though memories can be repressed, the whole RM movement caused a lot of damage in the 80s and 90s, and even after being largely discredited by the clinical community, it sadly is still around. That this happened outside of a clinician's office is even more alarming:

She turned to a small sect within the church we were attending, who only counsel women and had history of advising wives to leave husbands labelling their male partners as abusive. A flash point that led me to angrily react and swear (inappropriately) and tell her to get away from these people happened when one night she came home and said a member of that group told him God revealed my wife was sexually abused by her father at 3 (y.o.) but she repressed it. She didn’t talk to her parents, never felt her father ever abused her, but prayed anyway to forgive him for his alleged one off alleged wrong doing. I objected to such blind acceptance – I became ostracised for being critical of her spiritual journey and next I knew, she was talking about us needing a 6 mth separation to break from each other, but it would ultimately strengthen our marriage in the long run.

How horrible.

pwBPD (people with BPD) often mirror others, having a lack of cohesive inner self:

BPD BEHAVIORS:Mirroring

The term mirroring at BPD Family has come over the years to mean an extreme version of what Boothman talks about - basically a person with BPD becoming a chameleon.  I'm not sure of the origin of this usage - I think the "non" communities just adopted it.  Members often use "mirroring" to describe the way a person with Borderline Personality Disorder "changes themselves" to gain your love.   It's not just about mimicking your style, but even about mimicking your "dreams".   Many members describe how a BP picked up on their values and modeled themselves after their dream girl (guy) - taking that persona on.  A BPD can be one way in one relationship and very different in another based on what they think that person deeply desires. 

If she needed to connect, then she may have been susceptible to the manipulations of such a group. I'd wager that most of them in that sub-group were looking for some connection that they lacked elsewhere, and ended up mirroring each other and validating each other in an unhealthy way. Maybe it started out as something innocuous, but it helped destroy a family in your case. Your anger is completely understandable.

Where are you at now, avidtraveller? How old are your kids, and how do you feel that they were affected?

This:

I am so thankful I got everything I asked for with shared equal custody of our children but despite people saying I won, I didn’t – I have lost 50% time with my kids

Though in some ways I am more at peace being apart (and not subject to my Ex's invalidation and emotional dysregulation), I still have trouble dealing with not having our children half of the time.  :'(

I hope to hear more and how we can support you, avidtraveller.



Turkish

[avidtraveller]

Thanks Turkish that's helpful insight.

I'm at the anger stage that she could discard me so cruelly, she's changed churches (her sub group were kicked out and she went, no with them, but to another altogether) and now no longer goes twice Sundays as she's working part time and goes Friday nights. Perhaps finally realising what I was trying to say all along. She's not involved an the sub group any more either. It's like she now has the life I was pleading her to adopt, part time work, much less focus on RM church group etc. Seems as though she's turned things around just as I suggested yet I'm left smeared with mud, unappreciated, blamed, and loss of contact time with my kids as the thankyou / reward for lifting her out of her depression and unhealthy focus groups.

S13 ad D11

I am really sorry t hear (if I'm correct) you don't have equal shared time with your children. So many try to tell me I am so lucky and yes that is true Iam, and I do have a life ar better than most of the world's 3rd world population etc but it's hard to not still feel all the pain and loss and grief despite the rational head knowledge of facts.

I searched the 2 terms you mentioned and I was reminded about something I need for kids. I need to be very careful in listening now to my children's feelings and not invalidating them (almost like  what I just said above ppl say to me - "try to focus on the positive etc" or "it could be worse". I encourage my kids to talk and share - they are doing really well at school and say they love being home with me (close to their friends). They are very well behaved and receive excellent school character reports, compliments from other people etc. Of course at home they test the boundaries but when married, she ruled and would often chastise me for being too harsh on them etc (all raised at court and all deemed appropriate and she ended up being criticised for lacking parental control). Disturbingly she sent both to a 12 week course at night for "Violent children abusing parents" - because she said they are abusive to her. Kids were mortified, as was my GP who casually asked me last visit how they were going. She told the kids, (she's now a social worker again with homeless youth ad housing) that she's only taking them there as she needs experience for work. They aren't stupid and asked why she couldn't attend without them. She admitted they needed to learn to be more rspectful toward her and this would help. The same pattern she used on me - she wanted me to always enroll in church courses to improve myself, or receive inner healing etc which I resented going to.  Kids were exposed to a group of highly dysfunctional children and parents exposed to swearing and outbursts in the meeting. Prior to that she had a child counsellor visit her home to help them learn how to respect their mother and behave better. Kids attitude toward her all seems to stem from their hurt and annoyance at her hiding them from me in the first couple of months, then tying all she could to keep them from me. And repartnering she did by pretending he was a work friend only for months yet doing so many things together - they said they felt she was lying about the friendship and didn't trust what she could say. When she finally admitted they were dating they didn't cope very well. They are frightened now I will repartner as they said they couldn't stand any more new people or changes in their lives just yet. With me they say they feel relaxed and upset when it's time to handover. Althugh I am conscious that kids will often say to the other parent what they think that parent wants to hear.

[Turkish]

Actually I have equal time, and a tiny percentage more as I get the occasionally on her time. She didn't want to go through the legal system to file, but I wasn't stupid.

When people say you're lucky, that sounds invalidating. Of course anything could always be imagined worse. You went through a lot, were subjected to a lot of social and psychological abuse, but you fought for what was right:

"Shallow men believe in luck. Strong men believe in cause and effect." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Despite all of this, your kids sound strong, too, and it's very sad that their mom is projecting her issues and inability to parent onto them. 30 years ago, when I was 13, my mother (single, I was adopted as a toddler and my mom never had boyfriends), had us go to family counseling. She abandoned me after one appointment. It was 25 years later when she finally told me that the T thought I was one of the most well-adjusted young men he'd ever met. My mom's BPD,.something she finally shared with me this past summer.

Though the Leaving Board here is a good place to process your feelings towards the kids' mom and try to make sense of what happened, I invite you to join us on the co-parenting board. There are lessons and information there which can help you navigate the parenting struggles common with a parent with BPD or BPD traits, and also stuff to help with the kids. We have a lot of parents, and not a few step-parents (married to spouses whose Exes exhibit BPD) who can provide great support and guidance. I hope to see you over there as well.

Co-parenting after the Split