What was the final straw either for her or for you

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi All!

I am wondering what was the final event or series of events that lead to the demise of your r/s. Mine broke up with me but stayed in my apartment for 3 weeks while threatening me with a DV charge and deportation. She finally left when i told her that I hired a lawyer and that I found out something about her family's background. It was pretty shocking. After that, she did not waste anytime packing her stuff up and left the premises with the help of the new White Knight.

Please do tell your story. I 'd like to hear how it transpired.

Best,

-Sheed

[Sheed]

Hi All!

I am wondering what was the final event or series of events that lead to the demise of your r/s. Mine broke up with me but stayed in my apartment for 3 weeks while threatening me with a DV charge and deportation. She finally left when i told her that I hired a lawyer and that I found out something about her family's background. It was pretty shocking. After that, she did not waste anytime packing her stuff up and left the premises with the help of the new White Knight.

Please do tell your story. I 'd like to hear how it transpired.

Best,

-Sheed

[raisins3142]

After being caught in many lies (including having to admit that she had cheated on both of her most serious BFs in the past) and recognizing she had broken my trust and it was up to her to rebuild it (at least she said those words), she flirted hard with a guy hitting on her right in front of me.  I flipped out and broke up with her that night. Of course, all my fault for not being strong or understanding enough.  LOL     

[Tim300]

Good question.  The ending with mine was pretty complicated.  I'm not sure I'll ever understand what caused what.  It is triggering me to think about all of it and try to put it in words.  I will say this, her death threat and false DV-charge threat were what made me decide to go complete NC indefinitely.  Also, reading up on BPD in the immediate aftermath drove home how realistic these threats were.

How did you get the inside scoop on her family?    

[Sheed]

the way i found out about her family was just mind blowing. She never told me her real last name but she told me that she is using his dad's greek last name as her alias. I later found out what his dad's name is. Desperate times call for desperate measures and i put one and one together and i searched the dad's name with the greek last name that she gave me and searched the internet. With that i found out her real last name. everything checked out to the Mom's name, siblings etc.

I have a coworker/friend that i worked with that had a similar last name with their family. I asked him just out of sheer curiosity if he knew them and ALAS he does know the uncle with the very questionable background to the point where my friend and her uncle are FB friends. I then found out a lot of inside  scoop from him. All i could think of was "WOW! What are the odds of that?" The inside scoop he told me involved police chases and bank robberies. All sorts of crazy stuff. Needless to say i was floored.

[Tim300]

the way i found out about her family was just mind blowing. She never told me her real last name but she told me that she is using his dad's greek last name as her alias. I later found out what his dad's name is. Desperate times call for desperate measures and i put one and one together and i searched the dad's name with the greek last name that she gave me and searched the internet. With that i found out her real last name. everything checked out to the Mom's name, siblings etc.

I have a coworker/friend that i worked with that had a similar last name with their family. I asked him just out of sheer curiosity if he knew them and ALAS he does know the uncle with the very questionable background to the point where my friend and her uncle are FB friends. I then found out a lot of inside  scoop from him. All i could think of was "WOW! What are the odds of that?" The inside scoop he told me involved police chases and bank robberies. All sorts of crazy stuff. Needless to say i was floored.

BPD tends to run in families.  I wish I had done some criminal background checks on my ex's family (no point in doing that now).  I briefly once overheard a conversation about a check-fraud incident, and I'm sure that I would have dug up some odd things that would have had me running.   

The good news for you is that you're likely forever cut out now because you've found her out and you'd interrupt her next operations.

[Targeted]

The final straw for me was That I had already forgiven her for cheating, I had already removed her from her dating site too many times while we were together, last night we were together I was doing all the work around her house for her as well as cooking dinner as I usually did only to have her accuse me of talking to other women and ripped my phone away from me to go digging, there was nothing in my phone because I was not talking to other women but I now know what this meant, as it turned out while I was doing all of her work around her house she was once again speaking with men on a dating site even though I was there. That was the end for me. My oversized fuel tank of forgiveness was empty.

[Sheed]

the way i found out about her family was just mind blowing. She never told me her real last name but she told me that she is using his dad's greek last name as her alias. I later found out what his dad's name is. Desperate times call for desperate measures and i put one and one together and i searched the dad's name with the greek last name that she gave me and searched the internet. With that i found out her real last name. everything checked out to the Mom's name, siblings etc.

I have a coworker/friend that i worked with that had a similar last name with their family. I asked him just out of sheer curiosity if he knew them and ALAS he does know the uncle with the very questionable background to the point where my friend and her uncle are FB friends. I then found out a lot of inside  scoop from him. All i could think of was "WOW! What are the odds of that?" The inside scoop he told me involved police chases and bank robberies. All sorts of crazy stuff. Needless to say i was floored.

BPD tends to run in families.  I wish I had done some criminal background checks on my ex's family (no point in doing that now).  I briefly once overheard a conversation about a check-fraud incident, and I'm sure that I would have dug up some odd things that would have had me running.   

The good news for you is that you're likely forever cut out now because you've found her out and you'd interrupt her next operations.

I agree! i don't think she'll ever show up in my life again. I still hope that time will come when she will get some help.

[bunnyrabit]

final straw for me was that kept sleeping with one of many replacements during our recycle. When we first got back together I thought it was gonna be just a fling and we'd go our separate ways again but she kept pushing to go steady again. I foolishly fell for it, I let my guard down and at that moment she started going back to the latest replacement... .The first time it happened I was devastated, I somehow knew what was happening and I called her like a thousand times that night. After that she tricked me into forgiving her with all kinds of promises and sweet words, but needless to say, it kept happening. One day she calls me from his place to tell me she just spent another night with him and was going to stay that same night too. At that point something snapped inside me and there was just no more thinking, my instincts took over and were telling me to run away, now! And so I did... .

The strange thing is that she wasn't even lying about it, you could applaud her honesty but I don't really think it was coming from the goodness of her heart. I think she might have even derived some sadistic pleasure out of seeing me suffer over it because she was giving me some truly disgusting, shocking details about their sex I never even asked for. I was almost beaten into submission, she took my self esteem, my manlihood, I was becoming her castrated dog an a leash.

Not exactly sure why but out of all the horrible things she did to me this is the one  thing I will never ever forget or forgive. In the end she did me a favor though as I know now that she simply has no limits to her abuse and an absolute disregard for the feelings of others.  I had never expected this kind of disrespectful behavior from her, it was truly an eye opener and the first time I clearly saw who and what she really is.

[Trog]

She decided to stop her taking her medication without telling me and gradually became psychotic. I don't know if you've ever dealt with a psychotic person but by the end of a sleep deprived, crazy, ranting week of hallucinations and accusations you are about reading to kill yourself. This had happened for the 4th time by this point, she doesn't accept any responsibility for her mental illness and then when finally she the local authority takes her into a hospital, its always someone else's fault and the cycle continues again. Its sad. But mostly its tedious and its no life for anyone, let alone me.

[Tim300]

She decided to stop her taking her medication without telling me and gradually became psychotic. I don't know if you've ever dealt with a psychotic person but by the end of a sleep deprived, crazy, ranting week of hallucinations and accusations you are about reading to kill yourself. This had happened for the 4th time by this point, she doesn't accept any responsibility for her mental illness and then when finally she the local authority takes her into a hospital, its always someone else's fault and the cycle continues again. Its sad. But mostly its tedious and its no life for anyone, let alone me.

She got psychotic around me.  Even when the psychosis didn't involve attacking me directly in any way, it was still so creepy and disturbing to see -- it's terrifying even long after it's over.  What drug was she taking?   

[Sheed]

Mine got psychotic to the point where she choked me almost to death and slammed my head on the floor until i pushed her away from me. She flew across the room and then all of a sudden it was my fault now because i ended up hurting her when i pushed her to save my life.

[Tim300]

Mine got psychotic to the point where she choked me almost to death and slammed my head on the floor until i pushed her away from me. She flew across the room and then all of a sudden it was my fault now because i ended up hurting her when i pushed her to save my life.

Similar experience my friend.  Stay away.  Far away.  NC.

[JRT]

Dunno... .everything was going well: she had recently moved in, we began to plan our wedding, it was completely placid. I went out of town on business and she moved out the next day. She sent me a text message telling me that our relationship was over, she had moved out and that I should not attempt to contact her. She blocked me in every possible way form of contact. The last thing that I said to her over the phone was 'Good night, I love you' and she said the same... .just like always.

[HappyNihilist]

There was no real final straw or reason. He just ended it.

[willtimeheal]

We were on vacation and all of a sudden she went nuts on me. She started accusing me of cheating, calling me names, and demanding things of me. She was extremely verbally and emotionally abusive. That lasted for about a half hour. Then she just flipped and was all nice again. I do think she lost touch with reality. But I also knew at that moment she was cheating on me again... .once she made the accusation towards me, I knew she had been seeing someone behind my back. And then came the accusation that I was trying to make her someone she didn't want to be... .She is an alcoholic and was getting help. I asked her what she wanted... .She said "I want to drink."  I walked away that day and haven't looked back... .125 days ago! 

It was  the hardest decision but the best decision. My life continues to get better and better!  I deserve so much more... .we all do!

[.cup.car]

We got back together. She insisted she'd take things seriously this time, and the previous two r/s attempts she ended due to "being a lesbian" (lel) were just her "being stupid" as she put it.

Couple days later, she made a status update on Facebook claiming she'd found true love and every other guy should back off and stop trying to get in her pants - something to that extent.

A little voice in my head told me that status wasn't about me, but I convinced myself not to worry and that maybe I'm just the jealous type.

About a month, maybe a month and a half later, she stated telling me how she wanted to go to jail because her life was a mess and she's "done trying to fight the system". Found it weird, because wanting to go to jail isn't normal at 17, and when I asked if she'd like to go for coffee to talk about how she was feeling, she blocked me on Facebook.

I was pissed so I hit up some random girl that always commented on her Facebook statuses. Introduced myself, said I was concerned for my girlfriend because she was saying some really strange stuff.

Her friend had no idea who I was, didn't even live in the same country as us, and claimed they had been in an online relationship for 1.5 years (on and off) and they were engaged.

Sent her some screencaps to prove I wasn't lying and they got in a huge fight. At one point my ex admitted to wearing a pair of socks I'd left at her place every day for a month, to the point where they got so dirty/damaged she had to throw them out, but nope, I was the crazy stalker making up stories.

Two weeks after all this transpired, basically two weeks of NC, she finally texted me to explain herself... .And by "explain" I mean she claimed she didn't know who I was and that I was stalking her. Some of the stuff that landed in my inbox still hurts to this day just thinking about it.

And this went on for a couple years until I applied for a restraining order on her last September.

[Sheed]

There was no real final straw or reason. He just ended it.

How long ago did this happen HappyNihilist? How did that feel and if you are there already, hoe did you get over it?

Sheed

[JRT]

We got back together. She insisted she'd take things seriously this time, and the previous two r/s attempts she ended due to "being a lesbian" (lel) were just her "being stupid" as she put it.

Couple days later, she made a status update on Facebook claiming she'd found true love and every other guy should back off and stop trying to get in her pants - something to that extent.

A little voice in my head told me that status wasn't about me, but I convinced myself not to worry and that maybe I'm just the jealous type.

About a month, maybe a month and a half later, she stated telling me how she wanted to go to jail because her life was a mess and she's "done trying to fight the system". Found it weird, because wanting to go to jail isn't normal at 17, and when I asked if she'd like to go for coffee to talk about how she was feeling, she blocked me on Facebook.

I was pissed so I hit up some random girl that always commented on her Facebook statuses. Introduced myself, said I was concerned for my girlfriend because she was saying some really strange stuff.

Her friend had no idea who I was, didn't even live in the same country as us, and claimed they had been in an online relationship for 1.5 years (on and off) and they were engaged.

Sent her some screencaps to prove I wasn't lying and they got in a huge fight. At one point my ex admitted to wearing a pair of socks I'd left at her place every day for a month, to the point where they got so dirty/damaged she had to throw them out, but nope, I was the crazy stalker making up stories.

Two weeks after all this transpired, basically two weeks of NC, she finally texted me to explain herself... .And by "explain" I mean she claimed she didn't know who I was and that I was stalking her. Some of the stuff that landed in my inbox still hurts to this day just thinking about it.

And this went on for a couple years until I applied for a restraining order on her last September.

HOLY COW!

[apollotech]

Hello,

My "final straw" moment was a little different than those listed here. It wasn't so much a recognition of what she did to me as much as a recognition of what she didn't do to me. Like many of the other Non's posting on these boards, I was privelaged ( ) enough to experience the whole spectrum of typical BPD behavior: infidelity, dishonesty, bending of reality, fits of rage, selfishness, etc. We can all dance to the BPD song.

I was at the grocery store late one night when she called. She didn't say hello, ask how I was, or offer any greeting or concern regarding me. This was typical behavior from her, but on this particular night it made me aware of what our relationship was not. She went into a long and boring rage induced tirade about something that had happened to her, the helpless victim. It was a minor incident, something that any normal person would have wholly dismissed.

At that moment I realized that there would NEVER be any peace with this woman. I realized that she and I would never enjoy life as just "us." There would always be drama as the third wheel. I was awakened from my BPD induced stupor.

After that realization, I went into no contact mode. I stopped returning missed calls, texts, etc. She knew something was wrong and tried to reengage me with some very nasty text messages (She had lost control and was panicking.), every debacle of our relationship being my fault of course. I didn't respond to any of it. A few days later I received a " take care of yourself" text. We have been NC for about a week now. I am done with my visit to the peanut gallery.

[HappyNihilist]

There was no real final straw or reason. He just ended it.

How long ago did this happen HappyNihilist? How did that feel and if you are there already, hoe did you get over it?

Sheed

 Hello there, Sheed! Welcome to the Family.

This happened last March, and it was absolutely devastating. I was so confused and in so much deep, deep pain. I remember coming to this forum (I'd been reading for almost a year, but wasn't a member until after the b/u) in absolute turmoil and distress.

I don't think I'll ever truly get over it; it will always be a huge part of my life. But I've been able to heal and detach a lot over the past 10 months, and I'm continuing to do so. I feel about 10,000 times better than I did when I first joined, that's for sure.

Now, my exbf and I have talked several times since the b/u, so there has been some closure there. And learning more about the disorder has been a great help to me in detaching and striving for radical acceptance. What's been most helpful has been focusing on myself, and therapy.

Mine got psychotic to the point where she choked me almost to death and slammed my head on the floor until i pushed her away from me. She flew across the room and then all of a sudden it was my fault now because i ended up hurting her when i pushed her to save my life.

I'm so sorry, this must have been so frightening.   

[z 7873]

My last straw was yesterday morning. Instead of the garden variety suicide threats, this time, as she was about to drive away with my son in the car in a state of hysteria and I tried to convince her to not drive in that unsafe state, she said

"I'm going to kill us both", referring to herself and my teenage son.

and then sped away while flipping me off and screaming.

Six words to change a life.

Thankfully my son made it to the destination alive. She said later that "She didn't mean it" as if that can un-make what happened. I was beyond horrified and frightened and I just thinking about it makes me burst into tears, I was so afraid my son's life. It was just incomprehensible. She has attempted suicide before. Yes I called 911.

The cops say it was just my word against hers, and whatever. You can't go back from that. I moved out yesterday. My son did not hear what she said.

[downwhim]

Apollotech,

Your post reminded me of a time when my ex took his car into the shop. He got mad at the guy who was working on it and called me to rage. I mean he was screaming and swearing and so out of control he could have killed someone. I put the phone out away from my ear and my friend who was here could not believe it! She said over that? He calls you and screams at you like that for something someone else did? She was appalled. She then asked me if he ever hit me.

Whew... .he was draining... .

[HappyNihilist]

My last straw was yesterday morning. Instead of the garden variety suicide threats, this time, as she was driving away with my son in the car in a state of hysteria and I tried to convince her to not drive in that unsafe state, she said

"I'm going to kill us both", referring to herself and my teenage son.

and then sped away while flipping me off and screaming.

Six words to change a life.

Thankfully my son made it to the destination alive. She said later that "She didn't mean it" as if that can un-make what happened. I was beyond horrified and frightened and I just thinking about it makes me burst into tears, I was so afraid my son's life. It was just incomprehensible. She has attempted suicide before.

The cops say it was just my word against hers, and whatever. You can't go back from that. I moved out yesterday.

Welcome to bpdfamily, z. You have certainly been through the wringer - I'm so sorry.  

It's so painful to have to make these hard decisions, but you have to take care of yourself and your son. I can't even imagine the fear and horror you must have felt. You're right; there are some things that you can never go back from.

[z 7873]

Welcome to bpdfamily, z.

Actually I posted a few times in 'Staying' a year or so ago, then once in 'Undecided' recently. Quite the trip.

The upside to this horrifying situation, if you can call it an upside, is that I have absolute clarity and resolve to follow through and file divorce papers as soon as I'm able. Any trace of uncertainty or grey area that has tormented me so much in the past months has been obliterated.

[z 7873]

sorry mods, double post

[HappyNihilist]

Actually I posted a few times in 'Staying' a year or so ago, then once in 'Undecided' recently. Quite the trip.

Oh, my apologies! I'll amend that to "welcome to Leaving." 

The upside to this horrifying situation, if you can call it an upside, is that I have absolute clarity and resolve to follow through and file divorce papers as soon as I'm able. Any trace of uncertainty or grey area that has tormented me so much in the past months has been obliterated.

That is the gift of situations like that - it definitely clears any FOG, denial, uncertainty, etc. I'm glad you're resolved to do what's best for you and your son. 

[apollotech]

Apollotech,

Your post reminded me of a time when my ex took his car into the shop. He got mad at the guy who was working on it and called me to rage. I mean he was screaming and swearing and so out of control he could have killed someone. I put the phone out away from my ear and my friend who was here could not believe it! She said over that? He calls you and screams at you like that for something someone else did? She was appalled. She then asked me if he ever hit me.

Whew... .he was draining... .

Downwhim,

Wow, sounds like yours and mine could have been a match made in Heaven! They could have just sat on the phone day and night screaming in one another's ear about how they had been wronged. I don't know why that particular incident drove reality home for me but it did. I enjoy life and peace, and I realized that I'd never have peace with this terribly mentally troubled woman. I jumped for joy when I received the "take care of yourself" text. I only hope that she can live up to her decision to dump me. Her past track record with that has not been good.

You are so very right... .they are indeed draining! And we get nothing in return except drained, sad.

[Whitebread]

After a few days of mania he hit me back in September.  First time ever in 10 yrs of rages and horrible behavior. 

He has managed to rewrite history saying later that I said something horrible about his mother and that is why he hit me.  I didn't do anything but leave the room and tell him I wasn't going to argue with him, I never said anything about his mom.  But he had to justify the violence somehow.

I think it was over finally for me then, but believed him when he said he'd get help and meds to gain some control if I stayed.  He hadn't yet...

When the exact scenario of mania for a couple days and in the middle of another horrible day long rage happened in November, I suffered an anxiety attack, quickly packed what I cared about, grabbed my dogs and left.  Amid threats that he'd knock my teeth out.  Ok bye.

[going places]

My daughter joined the Marines.

It was her strength, her determination, her willingness to strike out there... .do something HARD, do something honorable, leave the nest, go to a strange place where she's going to be screamed at for 13 weeks; teargassed, trained, broken/built back up, etc.

That took huge ka-hooies.

She said 'eff this noise' at home and decided she was going to do something positive, good, fulfilling.

Honorable.

For three years, they (all 3 kids) watched me suffer; physically, mentally, emotionally.

I changed.

I was not 'mom'... .

My son, didn't want to be at home because "it's not a home".

My other daughter, hated living there.  Hated everything about it.

I wasted 3 precious years of life... .

When she joined the Marines I talked to my boy about what she was doing, and how impressed and proud of her I was and he said "Mom, you raised us; that's YOU. That's what YOU taught us".

Yeah... .yeah that 'was me'... .

No. Dang it... .it IS me.

So I filed in April.

It was final in June.

I threw him out in July.

I have not seen him since August 2014.

House sold last month, close next week.

Me and the girls are on our own.(The boy is in school, and will be with us on breaks and summer)

July I am MOVING to Florida AND within a year, I will be opening my own business IN FLORIDA.

It is only by the Grace of God I made it through those 3 years.

If I didn't have The Lord, I'd be dead.

He's go big plans for me... .and I am gonna see too it that I get them accomplished!

[NYMike]

After being caught in many lies (including having to admit that she had cheated on both of her most serious BFs in the past) and recognizing she had broken my trust and it was up to her to rebuild it (at least she said those words), she flirted hard with a guy hitting on her right in front of me.  I flipped out and broke up with her that night. Of course, all my fault for not being strong or understanding enough.  LOL    

Welcome to BPD Land.You are just suppose to be understanding and stay strong.In there mind you are to tolerate all there cheating and sleeping around.

If you do not tolerate and accept this somehow ''you are the crazy one''

and ''sick one''.AMAZING.!

         

LMAO... .The BPD Mind is sick and backwards.They are wired different.