Fending off punches with positives

[Crumbling]

Our morning started like this: I  got up early and BPDh got up about 2 hrs later.  When I got up, I only started one wood stove and not both.  I didn't need the whole house warm, I was staying here in the living room.  But, he gets up and starts his day with telling me:

"You could have started the back stove.  It's real easy, there's still coals in it.  It's cold over here, (in the dining room.)"

Know what I heard?  "You did something wrong again"

Before, I would react with "There you go, telling me I'm wrong again", or something, which would make him feel bad about himself and he'd just keep pointing out all the things that I could be doing, should have done right.   

But this morning, I responded to his comments with: "I'm so glad starting the back stove was so easy for you."    He actually chuckled and said oh, yeah, I guess.  But it didn't end there.   

A few minutes later, the issue has now become keeping the overall temperature of the entire house up to a certain level, still trying to convince me I've done something wrong.  I pointed out that the overall house temp was actually still the same as when I got up, so nothing lost.  He just kept arguing with me... .then I realized I was justifying myself, as in JADEing.   

So I wracked my brain for something positive to say... ."I'm proud of myself for for saving us two or three stove-fulls of wood.  Now it will last longer."  This time he laughed out loud!  My positive response was so different than my usual defensive response, it struck him as funny... .I can't profess to understand why, but whatever.  I'd rather see him laugh than grumble, right.

After this, we had a very pleasant breakfast, he was cordial and even positive at times.  I was determined not to let his negative outlook shift mine first thing in the morning today, and it worked. 

If we, on this thread, can tear it down to what I, wow, what I may have actually done right, maybe others can adapt it to give it a try in their r/s.  Not every moment is bad in our r/s, and I want to learn from what I do right as much as identifying and eliminating what I'm doing wrong. 

And I need to have written proof that it happened, just so I can remind myself it is possible. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Cole]

Good story, great lesson.

It is very easy to react to the SO wBPD when they bait us. Not sure why they do, but they do. And you handled it great! 

[waverider]

 

Reason this works is because his grumbling is really a reflection of his mood rather than anything substantial you have done. If you pick it up in a negative way it then becomes an issue with you opening an avenue for projection venting.

If you dont mirror the misery back but instead lighten things it can distract him from his miserable mood, maybe, but not always, breaking the mood.

You will feel a lot better as well

[Crumbling]

So, likely the fact that it was just a mood thing, and not a dysregulation thing, may have made it easier to deflect?

Also - I was hearing the term JADE for a long time, before I could really get a grasp on the concept and why avoiding it works.  I read through the threads and put a lot of thought into it, but until I could actually identify my use of it in our 'discussions', it didn't really make sense.  The more alert I am to it, the better I get at avoiding it.

I'm also using the notion that I am the emotionally stronger one in the r/s to give myself courage to stand up to him.  If I'm to be the stronger one, I have to learn to lead him without pushing or triggering him into the things that are good for us and the r/s.  I am constantly asking myself,' that's his opinion, but what do I really believe' whenever we discuss something.  It takes focus, but it's a good head space to be in.  Am I on the right track here?

Thoughts?

[waverider]

So, likely the fact that it was just a mood thing, and not a dysregulation thing, may have made it easier to deflect?

Also - I was hearing the term JADE for a long time, before I could really get a grasp on the concept and why avoiding it works.  I read through the threads and put a lot of thought into it, but until I could actually identify my use of it in our 'discussions', it didn't really make sense.  The more alert I am to it, the better I get at avoiding it.

I'm also using the notion that I am the emotionally stronger one in the r/s to give myself courage to stand up to him.  If I'm to be the stronger one, I have to learn to lead him without pushing or triggering him into the things that are good for us and the r/s.  I am constantly asking myself,' that's his opinion, but what do I really believe' whenever we discuss something.  It takes focus, but it's a good head space to be in.  Am I on the right track here?

Thoughts?

You are doing well, easing up and creating your own head space so that you dont react and mirror the tone is the breaker between "mood thing" and "dysregulation thing".

If ultimately it does escalate you wont feel as though you were part of it, and it will be easier to distance yourself from it.

One of the problems with JADE is that in hindsight you kick yourself for it and it feeds your own insecurities.

[Cat Familiar]

Reason this works is because his grumbling is really a reflection of his mood rather than anything substantial you have done. If you pick it up in a negative way it then becomes an issue with you opening an avenue for projection venting.

If you dont mirror the misery back but instead lighten things it can distract him from his miserable mood, maybe, but not always, breaking the mood.

You will feel a lot better as well

Crumbling, that was a creative way to reframe his complaints. I understand the grumbling thing. It's a real downer when it goes on regularly. I'll try and catch myself so I don't "feed my husband's negativity fire" when he starts in with his complaints.