She ran

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey everyone,

My relationship with a pwBPD just ended horribly two nights ago... .I knew there were issues after just a month into our dating... but, the highs she gave me when things were good were everything I lacked in my 19 year marriage... .

after reading all night trying to figure out what the hell happened to us... and why she fled straight into the arms of another guy, I realized I was an enabler...

i felt so lost when things started deteriorating around me... .what's happening?  i've given her everything... .

the pain and loss are still almost unbearable... I got paranoid about her messing around... .she warned me that she had cheated on her last boyfriend twice... .but, that she actually loved me... .that did nothing but multiply my anxiety when she wasn't within reach... .making sure she was doing ok... .

I became a suffocating boyfriend who overshadowed everything and never knew the right way to respond to her dramatic emotional shifts...

i've never been a violent person, but, the arguments we got into caused me to throw things... .yell... .it scared me... .I had always been able to control my emotions before she came into my life... .

I miss her so much... .I loved her so much... I still do... .

please help me figure my next step... .I'm worried about her mental stability... .

thanks,

jkwest

[jkwest]

Hey everyone,

My relationship with a pwBPD just ended horribly two nights ago... .I knew there were issues after just a month into our dating... but, the highs she gave me when things were good were everything I lacked in my 19 year marriage... .

after reading all night trying to figure out what the hell happened to us... and why she fled straight into the arms of another guy, I realized I was an enabler...

i felt so lost when things started deteriorating around me... .what's happening?  i've given her everything... .

the pain and loss are still almost unbearable... I got paranoid about her messing around... .she warned me that she had cheated on her last boyfriend twice... .but, that she actually loved me... .that did nothing but multiply my anxiety when she wasn't within reach... .making sure she was doing ok... .

I became a suffocating boyfriend who overshadowed everything and never knew the right way to respond to her dramatic emotional shifts...

i've never been a violent person, but, the arguments we got into caused me to throw things... .yell... .it scared me... .I had always been able to control my emotions before she came into my life... .

I miss her so much... .I loved her so much... I still do... .

please help me figure my next step... .I'm worried about her mental stability... .

thanks,

jkwest

[Matt8888]

I doubt anything you would have done would have changed the outcome.  These women cheat.  It's just what they do.  No time to heal.  They are right into the arms if another immediately.  Mine did the same thing.

She was feeling engulfed.  Same thing will happen to your replacement.

Don't be so hard on yourself.  You didn't cause this.  Her BPD did.  It will be tremendously difficult for you for a good while.  I'm almost 2 months out and I still think about her everyday.  Not nearly as much though.  Gets just a little easier each day. 

I know it's devastating right now.  My thoughts are with you.

[jkwest]

I'm worried about what she's going to do to herself next... .

the guy she ran to is her boss... .I've had 6 months to try to figure out her disorder... .there's a food factor involved as well... .

she always needs an anchor... that was me... .now it's her source of income and boss.

should I try talking to him in private and just give him a heads up as to her condition?

i'm worried she will lose her job when he finds out how emotionally unstable she really is.

or, do I just step out of the picture completely?

please... anyone

[Matt8888]

As much as you want to warn him... .  don't do it.

[KateCat]

 , jkwest.

You've come to a place where you will find many a man who has shared a similar experience.

What Matt8888 advises is very sound. Be aware that anything you do in the moment other than taking care of yourself has the potential to backfire on you. Especially as it might involve coming between your ex and her boss.

Can you step back for a moment, take a deep breath, get some exercise and sleep, and maybe make an appointment with your physician to see about some help for handling such an acutely stressful situation?

Just realizing and accepting that right now you are under shock will be a powerful move in the right direction. Hang in there.

[jkwest]

ok... .one more question for tonight... .

I had been emailing her mom about her eating disorders... .her mom says she's had them forever... .

should I talk to the mom about BPD? 

or, again... .should I not get between my ex and her mom... .

we'd been discussing a lot of things about my ex... .I think her mom was actually happy to have someone new and mature to hand her daughter off to... .I can tell she's been a handful her whole life by the moms responses... .

I made a big mistake though when I nonchalantly mentioned I had been emailing her mom, she turned ice cold and just glared at me... .that's when she started looking for a new anchor...

I know she's done with me... .i'm just having a really difficult time being done with her...

[Sheed]

Again, as much as you want to talk to the mom about BPD, don't do it. I know it is hard to get over it now but please, be around your friends and other loved ones and take care of yourself. I've been in your shoes but there is no easy way to get through it. Stick to NO CONTACT. If she reaches out to you after the fact that you went NC then that's another story to tell. I know you wanna help her but the more you force the issue the more they will push you away.

-sheed

[Heldfast]

Stop everything right now. Do not chase, do not text, do not call. Immediately hold yourself still. Don't swim against the current. For now just float. Stop, stabilize yourself, calm yourself. The more you chase, the worse it will get. If you cannot do this, Immediately get yourself to a therapist. The very best thing you can do, is nothing at all. Lock it up. If she's going to come back, if you want her back, chasing her will only push her away. If you do not want her back, put all her stuff out in storage and call a lawyer. Nothing good will happen if you interact until she's normalized, better yet, she'll see you not chasing and panic and come back to you. It sucks, it's hard, but I promise you, it's the only thing you can do. Don't look back, don't even look forward, practice radical acceptance to this moment, and get yourself taken care of. The worst thing you can do right now is anything to do with her.

[findingmyselfagain]

hi jkwest,

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. I'd echo everyone else. I was engaged to mine, and pretty much had adopted her baby daughter, and it ended very abruptly just a month before our wedding date. Now I know I'm really blessed that she ran away and ended it. It was pretty much the typical kind of breakup here that you hear about that doesn't make much sense. I spent months trying to figure out what happened, learn about borderline personality disorder, even joining a BPD support group and nearly attracting another (but I resisted), and I reached out to her a few times. She was friendly occasionally, other times I was ignored for months, or she would go into a rage at me. That's just the short version of the story. I gave up after the last rage, and I just realized there's no way we could communicate on the same wavelength. You can't build a relationship without good, honest communication. It's been one of the hardest struggles of my life, but now I'm glad to be free. There's someone out there who will treat you right.

[jkwest]

ok... .i did one thing tonight...


she had left her iMac charger here at my apartment... .I walked it over to her work and gave it to one of her coworkers... and said, make sure **** gets this... ."  and walked out... .

crap... .did i break NC by doing that? 

[jkwest]

she has really deep emotional struggles... .

if you got mad at her for anything, she couldn't cope... any sort of emotional response out of me that wasn't praising or admiring, was deemed bad... and the whole evening would go up in flames...

gosh dang... .she was so passionate though... .all i had ever dreamed of as an unfulfilled divorced man... she was magic to me... she was also 13 years younger... .her immaturity was maddening at times... haha... .

i miss her

[jkwest]

if you made her feel bad, she turned to ice... .she actually would turn into something... .you could watch it go over her face... the glare... then the crazy smile... i never knew how to react to that face... .I ended up just bearhugging it out of her all the time... and make her laugh...

it always frightened me a little bit though... made me feel small

[jkwest]

as you guys can tell, i'm still confused...

and thats why i'm posting in the undecided... .and thats why you are all still here too...

i ___ing love her and it hurts

i'm still thinking about her... after all this

[Heldfast]

Jk, mine was 12 years younger, sexy as hell, and we were together 2.5 years, and engaged, I was dropped in an instant, and she moved across country to be with another man. It sucks, but you will get through this. And yeah, mine found me when I was vulnerable after a divorce as well.

Start putting her away, all the photos, stuff online, all the letters and emails. Get your support group set up. Get a professional to help you, and they really help. any more of her stuff around? Box it up and get rid of it.

[jkwest]

our break up was bad and she left blaming everything on me...

i wish I would have found this site before monday night...

i had no idea about BPD until it was too late.  I'm a classic codependent... .i'm scared so much about being alone... .

to make it worse, she runs at night and she wanted us to sync our phones so I could keep an eye out on where she was... an act I think she forgot about... .but, ugh... I keep wanting to just "check up" on her... .

[Heldfast]

Get your ass to a therapist now. I am speaking directly from personal knowledge. The thing you want to do most, reach out, is the thing that willhurt you the most, push her away. Don't do it. Get her stuff together, organized and out of sight. Get yourself someone to talk to immediately. The pain is crushing. You will still stand. Don't break no contact, especially like this. She'll label you needy or controlling. Stop and talk to a professional.

[jkwest]

i will not break no contact

i'm removing her from my contacts right now

I have no way of seeing a therapist right now... I was on my exwife's insurance and that is scheduled to expire on the last day of my marriage... .the 26th of this month... .

that's why i'm here.

[JRT]

JK

The posts of others really resonate with me as there is a lot of experience (and pain) behind what those on this thread are saying... .maybe it doesn't really help but thank your lucky stars that you had only invested a month into things. I can't imagine the what some of the non;s are going through that I have read about here where they have 20 years invested, a marriage, children, a home etc. I had 2 years and was planning a wedding - my BPD simply disappeared and I have not spoken with her since; it felt like a herd of elephants parked on my heart and soul every minute of every day for 2 or 3 months. But I can't imagine what it felt like for some of these folks that had exponentially more invested.

As was mentioned before, there was nothing that you could have possibly done to effect a different outcome... .AND if you elected to continue with her, this heartache would likely happen over and over again until the final breakup (by her or you).

Distract yourself... .do whatever you need to do in order to keep her off of your mind... .there ARE more women out there that are compatible and able to fulfill your needs... .its not always easy (believe me, I know)... .but you need to get back around to living: FIND HER!

[jkwest]

we were actually together for 7 months... .

we are literally the "classic" example


i'm from california and she was from oregon... we met online and connected after both of our prior relationships collapsed... mine, a 19 year marriage and hers was a 5 year boyfriend.

i think we both latched onto each other, tbh...

the long distance was great for her... .she got her space AND an admirer who told her anything she wanted... i was completely infatuated... .it helped that she was 24 and i was 37... i felt like a king.

the first time we met, it was instant electricity...

but, two months later, her lease was expiring and she was going to move in with her mom... .i was a fool... .

I had my own new place... trying to get my feet under me after my divorce... .i asked if she would prefer to move in with me... .it sounded fun and exciting...

it was

but, now I see she was just using me.  she is now in MY community that i've been in my entire life and she's trying to stay... .i feel horrible saying it, but, i'm ready for her to leave my home.

just knowing she's in town is painful.

just go back to your mom... please

one thing that she always said that always threw up a red flag with me...

"i just don't know how to exist"

"i don't know how to be a person, with all these feelings"

"it stresses me out to constantly worry about needing to breathe all the time"

[Heldfast]

see if you can pay cash, or get your best damn friend in the whole world on the phone and tell him you need to talk his ear off. Get a hold of someone and get this off your chest.

Also, check out www.psychcentral.com/lib/loving-someone-with-borderline-personality-disorder/00020895

[jkwest]

has anyone noticed schizotypal personality disorder mixed in with BPD?

[Heldfast]

Coissues are very common, keep reading uo on it. Grab a book like stop walking on eggshells.

[jkwest]

I've been thinking about how I had been messaging her mom... .as new things come to light and I'm understanding how these disorders can work hand in hand, I'm beginning to suspect her mom has these issues as well.  All of the signs are there... .like 9 out of 9 on the chart.

i'm not going to contact the mom again.  I'm going to stay No Contact... I don't want to see this relationship through, but, I want to be a friend.  If she tries to make contact, I will already have some boundaries in place and be very informed.  I know there's still codependency issues with this, but, I will get a therapist... .real soon.  I'll look into the providers around me and make the next steps.

[Skip]

I made a big mistake though when I nonchalantly mentioned I had been emailing her mom, she turned ice cold and just glared at me... .that's when she started looking for a new anchor...

I know she's done with me... .i'm just having a really difficult time being done with her...

I think you know from this that she felt violated so she will be hypersensitive to any contact that you make. She may have confronted mom, so it is awkward.

If you do contact mom, make it about mom and you and leave the door open for her to contact you. And then leave it alone.  That will have a nice feel to it.

Don't swim against the current. For now just float. Stop, stabilize yourself, calm yourself. The more you chase, the worse it will get.

The very best thing you can do, is nothing at all. Lock it up. If she's going to come back, if you want her back, chasing her will only push her away.

This is good advice.