Hi I'm new here

[WingsOnTheMend]

Hi everyone. I just wanted to introduce myself and give a backstory for future reference.

I have been with my BP boyfriend for 4 months, but we have known each other for about two years. Like many here, in that time we have been through quite a few cycles of happy upswings followed by not-so-happy downswings. It was about 8 months into our friendship that my boyfriend finally found a therapist that understands BPD and he has been making significant progress even if it hasn't been an easy road. It wasn't until he got with this current therapist, that he was formally diagnosed with BPD and things started to kind of make sense. I knew nothing of this disorder, only NPD, until I had met my BF.  

We've gone no contact 3 times during the course of our knowing each other. The first NC was at his therapists suggestion, as she felt he had created an unhealthy attachment to me and needed some separation to see exactly where I fit in his life in a healthy way. That lasted for about a week. The second time we went no contact was because he acted on impulse instead of rational thinking, and decided he wanted to take up with this new girl. I knew better than to just stand by and let him while I had feelings for him, so I bailed. That lasted about 2 weeks before he finally came around and realized what he was doing and making horrible choices. The third time we went no contact, was because during all of this we had an on/off pseudo-relationship, him telling me he loved me then backpedaling to say he loved me, but wasn't in love with me. I finally had to do what was right for myself and cut all ties and head off on my own. That lasted for about 2 weeks as well, before he broke my no contact and we sat down and I laid out my boundary's for him as to how the friendship was going to go if I decided that I even wanted a friendship with him after everything we had gone through.  Each time we went no contact, it was for my own sanity and safety. But also, each time it seemed to be the kick in the pants that he needed to get right with himself a bit and come back down into reality.

In November of this year, we both agreed to a committed effort into being in a relationship with each other. He had been making and maintaining positive strides with therapy and things were looking good.  Things were going really well for about 2 months before we got together, and lasted until just after this past Christmas. And then the downswing came, as it inevitably does. It seems his cycles come in 3's. 3 months of up, followed by a decline into a month or 2 of down, followed by a month of climbing back to 3 months of up. Wash, rinse, repeat. This current downswing though seems to be hanging around for a bit longer than it has in the past. In the past during a downswing, I would be so completely devalued and disrespected that I would go NC, he would fume about it but then within about 4 days he would then start coming out of the downswing and then come looking for me. I'm starting to wonder if the reason he's still stuck in this downswing is because there really hasn't been anything for me to go NC for, and he doesn't really know what to do here without that to get out of this. I know that he needs to fight for himself, I shouldn't have to go NC for him to get ranty, realize whats going on and then start climbing back up. It's frustrating to watch, and I know its even more frustrating for him. He's very anxious, depressed, and just down. He's never been one to yell or scream or be verbally/physically abusive towards me, which I view as a good thing. But the anxiety that comes with this makes it very difficult to talk to him about anything. We were finally able to have a talk a few nights ago that was at last a mutual conversation, not just me talking and him looking at me with glazed over eyes or him sitting there and just not speaking.

I've read all the books. I've lurked on these forums for months reading through all your stories. I know that theres a good chance that this is how things will always be. A lot of this has led to some serious self-discovery for me. I realize that this could always be a relationship where I do my 100 percent to contribute on a regular basis, but he won't be able to emotionally. Some days it will be 3 percent. Some days its might be 90. On a really good day, we might hit that 100 percent matching, because I've seen that in him too. I need to accept that it will most likely always be a varying effort on his behalf. Not because he doesn't love me, but because he's just not wired for working on that level. One day he might be. He also might not. I'm trying so hard to find ways to be at peace with that. I love this guy, and I don't really see myself leaving unless the situation changes to one that directly results in damage to my emotional or physical well being. I'm trying to find a therapist that is well versed with BPD and willing to take on a non that is trying to be supportive to a BPD. My last therapist just told me to cut the line and run on my first visit. We need help too, but it seems that if a therapist isn't well versed in personality disorders its like talking to a wall. Their suggestions don't really fit the problem that I'm having.

So frustrating.    

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Crumbling]

 

Welcome to the family! 

It sounds like quite the roller coaster your on.  That must be hard to take.      We're here to support each other.

 

Thanks for sharing, and keep reading.  The link on the right, "Before you can make anything better" is a great link.

Stay strong, know your boundaries and take care of you,

Crumbsy

[Shottsy85]

It was SO great to read your story! It seemed like so many books or places I have been talked about females with BPD and not a lot about relationships with a boyfriend that has it. Your backstory was very relatable to me. It was when we finally went no contact and he thought he may actually lose me for real that my boyfriend began getting his ___ together as well, but he also regresses a lot and it isn't like that nice new high of him being all motivated. You are right you shouldn't have to go no contact every time to get him to be motivated but sadly playing the ignoring game, pulling back and becoming more involved in YOU does seem to work. Mine will just sometimes withdraw and become very cold and distant and sometimes the only way to get him out of that is to simply pretend it doesn't bother you and ignore them back.  One of my good friends says its sort of a childish game she sort of has to play sometimes with her boyfriend as well. I've been doing this dance for eight years now only three of it actually aware of the disorder. Not sure if that is truly the right way to handle it, but it does seem to work at times. Also diffusing with humor works a lot with mine. You sound like you are in a good place. Welcome to the group! I am new too.

[Crumbling]

Well, Hi to you too, Shottsy!   

I've been married to my BPDh for ten years, and we only got a diagnosis a year ago, so yeah, I've got a bit of a history dealing with this too.  It is tough.  Really tough.  I applaud you both for seeking out help and support.    No one should have to go through this alone.

The NC works to bring them back into the game because typically pwBPD are terrified of being abandoned, and they will break down and say/do anything to make sure they are not left behind.  I think it is obvious from your posts, that you do see that this becomes a cycle that just plays out over and over again, because the real issue doesn't get dealt with.  Their fear of being abandoned melts away when you take them back, and what put you in NC in the first place doesn't get resolved.  Does that make any sense? 

I'm not an expert, so this is all just my opinion, but breaking the cycle is very important.  And it involves doing things differently on your part, because the pwBPD is too enmeshed in their own emotions to be able to take the driver's seat to make change.  That's why they say that the non in the r/s must be able to be the emotionally stable person.  (If you have trouble with the abbreviations, just put that in the search bar, and a link with come up to explain them all).

I found the communication tools on the right of this screen really helpful.  And JADEing and SET are also things that I would suggest that you read up on.  If we JADE, we make things worse.  If we use SET, we can perhaps at the very least, hopefully keep things from getting out of hand.

Keep posting, and stay strong!  Hope this helps,

c.

[WingsOnTheMend]

Crumbling-

I'm beyond grateful that these boards exist. Sometimes the best help is to know that we aren't alone in this. For a long time, I felt really alone and just... well, lost in this whole thing. It really turned me on my head and I had no idea what was going on.

I completely agree with the NC only being a temporary band-aid for the situation. I'm hoping that by not doing that this time, that it leads to a better resolution for him. I don't want him to get into the mentality that I'm always just going to run the second things get really bad, and I've explained to him that now that we're in a relationship that I won't just leave unless it becomes a situation that puts me at risk, like cheating or being verbally/physically abusive. I've also been using SET, and it is absolutely helpful for our interactions.

Shottsy-

I noticed that too! That most of the books are geared towards it being females with BPD, not males. Even though most of what they say ABOUT the actual condition fits either gender, it seems to be geared more towards women. I think a good part of that has to do with people just realizing that this involves just as many men as it does women. When I read things about BPD and it says female, I just mentally swap it to male because that's the situation I'm in and it still works out.

[Notwendy]

The pattern of going NC is a sad thought for me. My H is I think relatively mild, but still enough to have caused much emotional turmoil in the r/s. I never played the push/pull intentionally, but I can look back and see it in the course of our r/s.

If I look back on our early r/s- there was a little bit of this, but we were both busy. I was also an independent person, didn't like to play games, and so was straightforward when dating- if someone didn't want to be with me, then we should move on.

I really didn't recognize early behaviors as not normal. My mom has BPD but at the time I had no idea what was going on with her. Her behavior was so pronounced. Also, my H being high functioning, his r/s issues were restricted to me. He was amazing to anyone who is not intimate with him. He hides it well, so things did not emerge until the r/s got serious.

Like most students, we could have gone either way- to commitment or a break up. When we were beginning to look for jobs out of school, he showed no interest in looking in the same places, so I began to look on my own. It was then that he had a change of heart and also decided we should look in the same place. We both got jobs and moved in together, but he had showed no interest in taking it further. Eventually, I decided we should not live together. Then he proposed but he showed no interest in setting a date for the wedding or discussing marriage.

I should have known, but I didn't. I was so used to being treated poorly by my family that I thought this was good. Once kids came along, he painted me black as could be. He resented that he was tied down to me. We were able to talk about this later. I realized he didn't want to be married to me when he proposed, but I also think he didn't want to break up or see me with somebody else. I felt deceived- I would not have wanted to get engaged to someone who didn't want to be married to me. By then, the kids were little, and I focused on them, and although I stayed, I gave up on him. Over a school break, the kids and I took an extended vacation and went to visit some family members. My H stayed home since he had work. This was not a plan to leave, however, I wonder now if he thought it was.

That was when he kicked into gear- and started to work on the marriage. I have to say I was surprised that he could sustain the effort. The issues were still there, but he was not as cold to me. I started counseling, and I think, if it is possible, that my H actually realized he wanted to be married to me at that point, maybe for the kids, or because he did realize he had married a good person, I don't know. We still had issues though, and he still had rages.

I make an effort for the r/s too. I am grateful for our kids, our family, and our blessings. I realize that this is the way things had to unfold and this was the setting for me to grow emotionally. I wish I had the knowlege and the tools on this board so that his behavior did not affect me as personally as it did, and also to not make things worse. It was my co-dependency that matched his issues, and I had to face that. I know that all r/s have challenges, but one regret is that I feel as if my wedding was just a fake. I can't even look at my wedding pictures- at that young, innocent, and in love bride who just had no idea that her H was not fully invested in the marriage. I consider my marriage to start from the day he chose to be in it.