a year after breaking up with BPD partner, having problems

[Person1]

Hello-

I spent a little over three years with a man who I believe to have BPD. I posted on this board frequently throughout our relationship, I was so manipulated as he used my guilt to his advantage to have me pay for everything and prevent me from leaving him. I was miserable and felt there was nothing I could do good enough for him. As a matter of fact, I was looking back on some of my old posts from when I was with my ex and there are arguments that I was posting about that I have no memory of. I would always say after some of our arguments that I can't even remember what he had said, they would last for sometimes up to hours and were so exhausting... consisted of me apologizing over and over and promising to do something better. If I brought up an issue with the relationship he would turn the tables and blame me for whatever it was, making me feel horrible and eventually making me very withdrawn and made it so that I was very closed off... always filtering what I said to make sure that I never said anything that could potentially set him off. I could not speak without thinking of every word first to ensure I said it "right." It got to the point that even though I was completely unfulfilled in the relationship I never said anything. I basically cooked for him, drove him everywhere on my gas, paid for all of his food... all the while he had no job, played video games all day and got money for his drugs from his mother. I was so completely trapped. Finally I moved out of the town he lived in to attend school somewhere else. This loosened his grip on me some. I had never confided in anyone else other than this BPD forum about my relationship issues... mainly because I really didn't have any friends... but finally I opened up to an old friend from high school and told them everything. They encouraged me to get additional opinions and everyone told me I needed to leave my ex BPD partner immediately. I broke up with him but he manipulated me to still talk to him for a few weeks. He stated he was out looking for a job, had me an engagement ring... all this. I finally told him I will never talk to him again. It was so dramatic and he said he would never love anyone again, was crying and all. I was still being manipulated but I told him no. I felt such a huge weight off my shoulders when he was finally gone... he tried to contact me a few more times and I never responded. Fast forward to now, a year later. I am with the most amazing man I could have ever imagined. He is so incredibly patient with me and so loving sometimes I can hardly comprehend it. The only problem is I still have issues from my ex BPD partner. At first I guess they weren't as bad but they have seemed to become more of an issue later in our relationship. I just get so scared. I get scared to death of being hurt. And I still have major issues being totally open. When something scares me or bothers me... .I typically don't say anything. I don't say anything because my ex BPD partner trained me to not say anything. I just say, I'm fine, I'm ok... with tears in my eyes. It can be something so simple to scare me... my partner might not text me for maybe half a day... and I have flashbacks of my ex BPD partner ignoring me and being mad at me for no reason... and I get scared. My partner may say something and to me it sounds like he does not want to spend time with me, and it scares me. He may ask me to pay for something simple and even that scares me because it reminds me of my ex BPD partner. In my mind I KNOW my current partner is NOT my ex BPD partner and I know he is an amazing person... but at the same time, I have these irrational fears that I can't control. I feel bad because sometimes I feel like I seem crazy to my partner. I cry a lot... sometimes for the silliest things. He is so patient with me though and talks with me through every episode, totally understanding. I just feel so bad because I don't want him to have to deal with my issues. He got upset with me for not being open with him and telling him what bothers me... it is just SO HARD for me to say when something bothers me. In the back of my mind I feel like he will get mad or leave me if I do. I was just so used to pushing my feelings aside with my ex BPD partner and always just saying I'm ok. Now I still have that terrible fear sometimes. I want to be able to be totally open with my current partner and not be fearful anymore. I don't want to have to cry so much about things that hurt me in the past. I feel like a strong person but occasionally these issues I have had come out and I feel so hurt from them. It is like a cycle... I will be fine... then something will trigger my fears... and I get scared... I cry, and I say I'm ok, no I am fine... instead of talking about it. I just feel like my current partner doesn't need to deal with those issues... or he might think I am crazy or be annoyed with me. He always proves the opposite though and tells me that he just wants me to be open and honest and tell me everything no matter what... but those are just my fears in the back of my head. I need some advice... what can I do to help my current partner? What can I do to make sure I'm not a burden on him... and how can I really open up and not be afraid anymore?

[Mutt]

Hi Person1,



I'm sorry to hear that  It's scary when we're having a hard time coping. It helps to talk. It takes courage to open up and share. I'm happy you decided re-join us.

I feel the same. My ex had many borderline rages for several years. I cannot recall what the context was simply the events.

I'm 2 years post break -up. I have trigger months where I struggle  Feb for example is when she abandoned me and it was scorched earth at home. It was a traumatic event.

We're not professionals and cannot diagnose. Here's an article that may help.

PERSPECTIVES: What is PTSD and how do you define "trigger"?

Have you talked to a T?