I am in a r/s with a pwBPD but i want to leave

[ImGoingCrazy]

Hi everyone,

So here i tell you my story... .

It´s been 4 months i am with this guy , he is 28 I am 21.

I met him at a very strange time of my life , and it felt like a miracle to me .

He was like the perfect man on earth , very handsome , sweet , intelligent , talented , gave me all that attention , made me feel like i was some kind of rare treasure and other .

It all happened so fast , i just found myself in a relationship with this guy .

I can not deny i liked him so much , but i was confused on how fast he started to talk me about moving together ,marriage , travelling , plans and stuff like that .

The first 2 weeks were heaven, but when we made 1 month together its were i strated to notice that something was not ok.

I live with a family member actually , and i used to share my time with him and this family member who is elder .

We live half an hour distance from each other , so everytime i had to go home after being with him all day i noticed that he had this kind of ``attacks`` , he became angry suffering with himself , being sad .

He told me he felt like suffocating and pain everytime i had to go home.

He was jealous of every men i had to deal with , friends ect , he was jealous even of my male cousin .

He gets mad at me for spending much more time with my friends than with him even though it is not true ,he kinda ``forced`` me to distance from my friends , to leave my job as a bartender because he was so jealous , and kinda to distance from my school friends and contacts too.

We fight a lot about stupid things , for minor ``problems`` , sometimes i thing all these ``problems`` are absurd. He is so arrogant with other people , he has this mania to be valued , to tell others (not directly)how much he knows and how many talents he has .

Sometimes he gets depressed for no reason and tells me ``he is worth nothing`` , ``he has no reason to live`` , ``he cant support people`` ect .

Other way , he is loving and very caring with me , he tries to complete every desire of mine , other times he puts the blame on me when we fight , acuses me for not caring and that i will abandon him sooner or later , he drives me crazy .

There was never physical abuse , i dont even think he might think to hurt me on some kind of way , but verbally he made me feel soo miserable .

He gets upset about stupid things like once i refused to make a coffe for us because i was tired , he acused me for not caring for him and made a goddamn drama about it .

He gets angry so easily with people and situations and feels like everybody has it with him , like everybody misses respect to him... .I didnt involve him too much with my social life because he is that much of complicated and arrogant that makes me feel in shame .

Its been 4 months i closed facebook , instagram or any kind of contact with my social life and friends and contacts just because of him to make him feel better . i kinda gave up my normal life just to make him feel better . I feel so much pressure ,im so afraid when i walk on the street with him of meeting a male friend randomly because he would get really suspicious and angry .

He acts highly protective , obsessive , jealous and depressive . He has mood swings and everything i read on the internet about Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms .

I didnt knew about BPD before but a friend of my told me about it to do some research , i have read o lotttttt about it and i found my boyfriend in every word of every article about BPD .

Im not sure if i love him but i feel empathy , i feel so sorry for him and i cant just leave . Im soo tired of this relationship and it is driving me crazy since i have depressive moods myself and i cant handle this . i treid to leave 4 times , and the 4 times i coundt make it , it was IMPOSSIBLE , the first time it was terrible , he started crying and begging me not to leave him because all he did was loving me , promising me he would be a better man for me and other stuff... .other times he would make me feel guilty for everything , once he became violet to me but didnt touch me , just breaking things around the house .


We lived 1 month together because my family member went out of state , but now im back home finally ... .He is so depressed about it .

He lives alone ... .

a week ago we had a discussion about something stupid and there i decided to tell him what i suspected his problem was (i forgot to tell you he was conscious he had a problem just he named it complexes and depression) .

So i told him about BPD , he read all the article and started crying , and told me he feels like this, ``this is me , what should i do now?`` , he makes substance abuse and keeps telling me he cant afford therapy right now , but i find it an excuse , because he spends so much money on ``green`` substance and on shopping stupid things , and all that money together its enough for therapy and more .


There are moments he is ok , but after all the trauma and fights and crying and pain ive been through this 4 months ive realised i want to end permanently this relationship because THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I PLANNED FOR MYSELF , i know im being selfish but i had other things in my mind , my career , my friends , my projects ... .i was recovering myself from my dads death and my personal issues and all this wasnt needed .


I feel so guilty when i want to leave , and think ... .what about him , what is he going to do , how is he going to feel , he is alone , he has some friends but still he is so attached to me . He keeps telling me how much he is in love with me , how he doesnt want to loose me , that he knows his issues , that he doesnt get angry with me but with hisself for being this way . he tells me never to leave him .


But im soo destroying myself , my nerves , my health and my future . I cant sleep , im very depressive and sad about this , i miss my life , i miss my friends i miss my everything like it was before meeting this person , and i want it back and im so convinced about it and leaving him , i just cant find a decent way and time to do it without feeling soo bad .

I force myself everyday to arrange my time with home , studies and him , he brings me so much stress .


His moods affects me very muchhhh ... .

What do i do? how do i leave him ?  

i sometimes have feelings for him , caring , and other , but im conscious that i can not help him , and that im sacrificing myself for somebody else .

Please help me how do i get out of this as i am still in time .

Maybe i didnt explain it very well and my english is poor but right now it is very intense from his part , but for me not that much , im forcing myself so much , i have to confirm him every 5 minutes how much i love him and to show him attention that it has become a frustration for me . This is not how a relationship should be , this is not the relationship i wanted ... .i want to get out immediately... .

anyone with the same experience please help me ... .how do i make the detachment and the ending of the relationship less painful for him ... .

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[thatwasthat]

Hey!

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

I can understand your feelings very well, since I am a very empathetic person too.

But what you really have to understand is that there is no way of comforting him. No matter what you do there will never be enough "proof" of your love. Not now, not tomorrow, not ever.

It is very, very sad. The only person you can help and "rescue" is yourself.

Think of it this way: even if you want to support him, you are in no position to do so.

First of all you need to get yourself out of this turmoil and get into a better place.

I don't know enough about your living arrangements or him to give you any advice in terms of how to leave.

But you need to distance yourself as safely as possible.

Just to add. My relationship caused me to shut out a lot of friends too. And after getting out of it... .I felt ashamed for what I had done.

But my friends were there to welcome me back and support me.

So no matter how you will do this, do not hesitate to reach out to your friends for support. 

[Maternus]

There are moments he is ok , but after all the trauma and fights and crying and pain ive been through this 4 months ive realised i want to end permanently this relationship because THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I PLANNED FOR MYSELF , i know im being selfish but i had other things in my mind , my career , my friends , my projects ... .i was recovering myself from my dads death and my personal issues and all this wasnt needed .

Hi IMgoingCRAZY,

you are not selfish. It's your life and no one can blame you for leaving a relationship that is able to destroy your mental and physical health. Taking care of yourself and your needs is not selfish, it's a healthy decision.  

[ImGoingCrazy]

So , we are both students at the same city ... .

but we do not live together ... .i live in a different neighborhood , he in another ... .

his family lives in another country . The past years he has lived alone ( as he told me ) and didnt have a relationship the last 2 years after his 7 year relationship .

He is not a bad person , he only has all this behaviors that limit my life soo much... .

[thatwasthat]

So , we are both students at the same city ... .

but we do not live together ... .i live in a different neighborhood , he in another ... .

his family lives in another country . The past years he has lived alone ( as he told me ) and didnt have a relationship the last 2 years after his 7 year relationship .

He is not a bad person , he only has all this behaviors that limit my life soo much... .

Try to think of it this way:

We all are the sum of what we are. You can't have the one without the other. And as you have realized there seems to be a big part that seemingly makes it impossible to sustain a relationship.

And as sad as this sounds... .All evidence points towards this part not going to change.

BPD is a personality disorder. It's difficult to grasp in the beginning. But your personality is the very core of yourself. It's not like a habit or anything like that. It is HIM. The very meaning of HIM.

It's not like: He is good and sometimes this foreign, bad person takes over. They are both the same.

It is really difficult to grasp in the beginning, almost crazy making. It is very simple and extremely complex at the same time.

It is impossible to fully understand, since it is so against everything that is considered "normal."

[jhkbuzz]

There are moments he is ok , but after all the trauma and fights and crying and pain ive been through this 4 months ive realised i want to end permanently this relationship because THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I PLANNED FOR MYSELF , i know im being selfish but i had other things in my mind , my career , my friends , my projects ... .i was recovering myself from my dads death and my personal issues and all this wasnt needed .

... .im soo destroying myself , my nerves , my health and my future . I cant sleep , im very depressive and sad about this , i miss my life , i miss my friends i miss my everything like it was before meeting this person , and i want it back and im so convinced about it and leaving him , i just cant find a decent way and time to do it without feeling soo bad... .i sometimes have feelings for him , caring , and other , but im conscious that i can not help him , and that im sacrificing myself for somebody else .

Wow... .this is a lot to deal with - but that is what life is like with someone with a personality disorder.  A few things:

I met him at a very strange time of my life, and it felt like a miracle to me. He was like the perfect man on earth, very handsome, sweet, intelligent, talented, gave me all that attention, made me feel like i was some kind of rare treasure... .it all happened so fast, i just found myself in a relationship with this guy.

This is how most BPD relationships start - mine included. This is a period of "idealization" that keeps us attached to the relationship long after it becomes apparent that we are in a toxic and unhealthy situation.

A few more things:

1.  You are NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT being selfish by desiring a full life with the people you love.  His maneuvers to isolate you are a form of extreme control that is abusive.

2.  You are NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT being selfish for wanting a life that is free of abuse and drama.

2.  You are NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT responsible for the health and well being of another adult. Adult relationships should be partnerships, not caretaking arrangements.

3.  Your boyfriend also sounds like he could be NPD ("He is so arrogant with other people, he has this mania to be valued, to tell others (not directly) how much he knows and how many talents he has."

My advice?  Make a plan to get out of the r/s, say goodbye and go STRICT no contact. There is nothing you can do to "make the detachment and the ending of the relationship less painful for him."  You have already suggested what will help (therapy) but he refuses.  There is nothing more you can do, you are not equipped to deal with this level of mental disorder, you can only save yourself.

You clearly love and care for him - but what about you?  :)o you love YOURSELF enough to save yourself?

[apple2]

So here i tell you my story... .

Hi, I am very sorry to hear your suffering. There are things that sounds familiar to me. The perfect beginning, how fast he moved to topics such as vocation, moving together, how hard it is to break up with him. Mine also knows he has a problem. Mine also spent money on Green stuff. I talked with a good friend who studied psychology. He told me, even pwBPD knows the truth, what can change? he cannot control himself. He cannot handle it. You neither.

I could not leave, even I know I don't want to live like that. I worried about his mental and psychological health. I know anyway he felt better when I was there, even he emotionally abused me.

But, even I want to be with him together, physically I can't. I am not OK. I also couldn't sleep long. I had headache, I had stomach, I lost my concentration on what I should do for my career, I felt too obsessed with him and his behavior. Every time after I met him or talked to him, I tried to figure out what he truly meant and wasted a lot of time. I am still depressed (although better than before). I have serious concern if I live like this, I would be mad. I would really need to take medicine against depression. For the first time I thought my life was so miserable.

Better leave, I know it's hard. We cannot take care of anyone, if we don't function anymore as we were. The fact is, I can't even when I want to continue. It hits the limit and hurts me physically, psychologically and emotionally. I need to stop the endless headache and confusion.