UPDATE : Hazelden Betty Ford/Menninger

[Parents! Get help here!]

I just wanted to post and update about my dd17. I have started a new thread because the old one was full. Here its the link to that old thread. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=240182.0

When I last posted dd was at Menninger getting detox and extensive testing. Also getting a new dx. I really feel she got the best of help there and she has made great improvements. Menninger is a wonderful place and it was a good experience for me dd17. There recommendations after our meeting was for further treatment at a RTC and they suggested Hazelden in Minneapolis. She was very angry at first when told and was refusing to go. There were some raging phone calls and some Plan B planning in case she refused to go. My back up was a sober high school and an outpatient drug program. Menninger did not feel this was a good solution and that dd would be at risk to relapse. Thankfully she agreed to go and the we moved quickly to get her to Hazelden. I checked her in Saturday. This is all pretty new and I hope to speak with her case manager tomorrow but I really feel this is a great opportunity for dd if she chooses to participate.

I didn't hear from dd last night even though she was able to call so I am hoping that is a good sign and she is just taking the time to settle in. She had gotten very close to her roommate at Menninger and there were many tears when she left. I can't say enough good things about the doctors and staff there. It was such a good experience for everyone involved.

I will update later when I have something to add about Hazelden. My hopes are high and I really feel this is the best thing we could have done for dd.

[jellibeans]

I just wanted to post and update about my dd17. I have started a new thread because the old one was full. Here its the link to that old thread. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=240182.0

When I last posted dd was at Menninger getting detox and extensive testing. Also getting a new dx. I really feel she got the best of help there and she has made great improvements. Menninger is a wonderful place and it was a good experience for me dd17. There recommendations after our meeting was for further treatment at a RTC and they suggested Hazelden in Minneapolis. She was very angry at first when told and was refusing to go. There were some raging phone calls and some Plan B planning in case she refused to go. My back up was a sober high school and an outpatient drug program. Menninger did not feel this was a good solution and that dd would be at risk to relapse. Thankfully she agreed to go and the we moved quickly to get her to Hazelden. I checked her in Saturday. This is all pretty new and I hope to speak with her case manager tomorrow but I really feel this is a great opportunity for dd if she chooses to participate.

I didn't hear from dd last night even though she was able to call so I am hoping that is a good sign and she is just taking the time to settle in. She had gotten very close to her roommate at Menninger and there were many tears when she left. I can't say enough good things about the doctors and staff there. It was such a good experience for everyone involved.

I will update later when I have something to add about Hazelden. My hopes are high and I really feel this is the best thing we could have done for dd.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Awesome news Jellybeans!  I'm so happy for you and your family.

Can you tell us what about Hazelden stood out to you as the best place for your daughter?  What kind of treatment she will receive and what the main focus/goal of that treatment will be?

I'm sure you are so very very relieved right now.



lbj

[jellibeans]

Thank you lbj... .you have been so supportive over the years.

Menninger recommended Hazelden along with a few other places. They really felt that dd needed to be in a young adult program given her age and not an adolesent program. This is also not a locked facility and dd had to agree to go. I think approaching it for this stance makes sense and makes her the one in control. It allows her to take responsibily for her own actions and her recovery. Menninger really feels that dd needs to address her drug and alcohol issues along with intensive therapy for her trauma. We really didn't know the the level of her drug use and how she had progressed to harder drugs. They gave her a dx of polysubstance abuse which they explained means she is not addicted to one drug but to any drug or any substance. If she can't get one she will use whatever is handy. She will recieve a variety of treatments from CBT to art therapy and heavy forcus on the 12 steps.

I am hoping that Hazelden can help her. Menninger felt that if she returned home too soon that she would relapse. I am not sure how long she will be there. That really depends on her. She has already gone through detox and so I feel she is ahead of the game. DD felt she was really helped at Menninger and I think that is important. Continuing her care I hope will further prepare her for returning home and making plans for her future. We are starting all over again but this time with a clear path and new dx. Before we were only addressing the behavior and not treating the source. This really changed our approach and I feel we are going to see different results than from the past.

I will keep you posted... .thank you everyone for your support.

[llbee814]

So glad to read of your dd's positive choices... .you must be not only relieved, but so proud.  Will continue to send good thoughts your way!  Blessings to you and yours,  L.   

[qcarolr]

This is a great 'new start' for all of you. I will keep praying for your DD to find whatever it takes to stay connected with the program there. So much hope for you all.

qcr

[jellibeans]

UPDATE: Well my dd was angry with us for a while but now is calling pretty regularly and seems in a good mood. I did get an update from her team leader today and it seems she really is not do her assignments and sleeping when she is suppose to be attending group etc... .They are letting her ease into things but with every week they are expecting more and more from her. I hope this week we will see more participation from her.

School has once again been a problem and they have once again withdrawn dd from school. We met with the principal today and developed a new plan going forward. Reduced dd's class to only three in hopes she can manage better and be able to graduate. Even though she is not registered with the school they have agreed to support her and send her work so she can return and be able to continue her studies and graduate. It was a good meeting and maybe one we should of had weeks ago. We were made several promises from staff and have been let down repeatedly. I am hopeful once again that they can help dd graduate and we have a plan.

I wanted to past on a great book I have just finished by Dr Lee called "Recovering my Kid" If your child has any drug or alcohol issues I urge you to read this book. I felt is was written with my dd in mind and it is really short and to the point. Wish I had more to report but I wanted to let you know I am hopeful and giving the program time along with giving my dd time and the opportunity to succeed.

[pessim-optimist]

Thank you for your continued updates jellibeans, it is so good to know your dd seems to be willing to try and stay and get help.

Hopefully she will start participating more and move ever so closer to recovery. 

[lbjnltx]

Thanks for the update jellie... .


If you can, try not to focus so much energy on the school.  I know it can be very concerning because of the potential stress of trying to catch up later on.  There are so many different ways for her to get her diploma that a plan can be worked out when she is better.

Use this time to rest, find ways to be supportive and encouraging of her participating in her therapy.



lbj

[jellibeans]

Thank you for your well wishes... .I am not really focusing on school but I feel I have to advocate for her so she at least has a plan in place to succeed and that there still might be a possiblity for graduation.

I talked with dd last night about this new approach... .she was very nervous that she might not graduate so she was happy there was a plan in place... .it is really up to her to do what she can. I do not think there is pressure at Hazelden to do school.

There was a speaker that came in to the center last night to give a talk and share her experiences. This happens a lot which I think is realy good to hear of success stories. My dd said she had a lot in common with the girl and she was noticeable down and sad after the talk because the girl was a victim of rape. Dd continues to have nightmares but I do think that is part of the detox to some degree.

The book they gave us to read was so interesting. I am going to reread it again because it was so jammed back with good advise and insight.

I am trying to rest as much as possible. It is nice to have some freedom to do things so I am taking advantage of that now. I remain hopeful... .will update when I have more to say. Thanks everyone

[HealingSpirit]

Oh Jellybeans!

I've been away from here for the past 4 months (I was in a play and now I'm in another one) and it looks like your DD17 hit rock bottom.  I'm so sad to hear that, but I'm glad you found proper help for her!  It sounds like she's finally on the road to recovery.

My heart goes out to you and your family.  You've been on my mind, even though I haven't been here lately to tell you.  Good for you for using this time while you know your DD is safe to take care of yourself.  Go have some fun!  It works wonders at restoring the soul.

Hugs!

HS

[jellibeans]

Last night I got a call from dd's P at Hazelden and she wanted to gather more information about her. dd has been at Hazelden almost two weeks now so I kind of thought this call was a little late coming.

She had met with dd today ( for the first time) and wanted to talk to me more about her even though I had given a complete 4 page letter describing her from birth. After only 10 mins the P was talking DX and she asked me if anyone had ever mentioned PDD (pervasive developmental disorder) She thought dd might have this. She wanted to take her off her lamictal and didn't understand why she was on it because she was not bipolar. I told her I would think about this and get back to her. I felt changing meds now might destableizer her and impact her ability to focus on her treatment.

This whole exchange really bothered me and I have not been able to think of anything else. This P was like so many in the past that after speaking to my daughter for a short time was now able to give her a new dx with new drugs. I really feel I should ask for a diferent P. Think she is extremely reckless and quick to judgement. I am really struggling with her conversation to me and her disregard for the work that was done at Menninger. They had her for over 3 weeks and never did they suggest changing meds. It was only after 3 weeks did they give us a new dx This new P talked to my dd for 30 minutes.

This week has been hard and we are still trying to set up school for dd and getting delays on both fronts. Hazelden is just not that cohensive with their team. They seem disorganized and unresponsive. Our head person is on vacation and we have a sub so it has been painful to get our calls or emails returned. Today I just feel so tired and worn out.

Looking on the positive side dd seems good. She finished her first step which she says is the hardest. She is happy on the phone and pleasant to talk to when she calls. Today is a pj day and I am not going out at all. Going to work around the house and rest.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi jellie!

Not sure how things work at Hazeldon... .does your d have a specific therapist assigned to her?  If so, I would not give permission to change meds at this time and would let the pdoc know that I want to speak with the T and get back with him/her.

Talk with the T... .explain your concerns.  Ask the T to speak with the pdoc and gather info for you.  Speak w the T again... .then make a decision about meds.

If the treatment team is on different pages it does complicate things.

lbj

[jellibeans]

Thank lbj

I called her T and left a message. I have not spoken to her either since dd has been there. I just kind of find their approach fragmented and I really feel out of the loop. I hope I get a return call from her T so I can discuss the P's conversation she had with me.

I once again left a message for the sub who is suppose to be our point of contact. I hope he finally returns my call. My husband has left messages and emailed and nothing for the past two days when he told us he would talk with us on Thursday morning early.

This all just adds to my frustration and I am hoping that when our regular person returns next week the communication will improve because I am pretty disappointed right now. Thanks for the suggestion.

[lbjnltx]

Thank lbj

I called her T and left a message. I have not spoken to her either since dd has been there. I just kind of find their approach fragmented and I really feel out of the loop. I hope I get a return call from her T so I can discuss the P's conversation she had with me.

I once again left a message for the sub who is suppose to be our point of contact. I hope he finally returns my call. My husband has left messages and emailed and nothing for the past two days when he told us he would talk with us on Thursday morning early.

This all just adds to my frustration and I am hoping that when our regular person returns next week the communication will improve because I am pretty disappointed right now. Thanks for the suggestion.

The absence of the contact person from the treatment team is no doubt adding to your feelings of disconnect and frustration.  I remember all too well the early stages of my d's rtc stay.  It takes time for the treatment team to all get on the same page and then time for the parent to get on the same page with the treatment team or vice versa. 

My best suggestion (if you will) is during this gap in consensus that you work to understand more about the facility, each treatment team member and their roles, their therapy programs, and your daughter's new diagnoses.  Knowledge  is power and knowledge leads to the quest for more knowledge.  The more you know about them and the disorder the more your voice will be heard and taken into consideration when you are able to work together.

lbj

[jellibeans]

I just called her P again to discuss further meds and dd's medical history and I do feel better. I just really felt she was making recommendations without really getting to know my dd. I have just gotten a call from dd's school and all packets are ready for pick up. That is a relief because the school has been painfully slow.

Thanks again lbj... .I have put calls into her team and I hope when her head team member returns Monday we can all be on the same page.

We are going to MN next weekend for a family program that runs 4 days. We will get to meet the team and have a chance to sit face to face. I think that might also help since we have not meet anyone on her team when I cheked her in two weeks ago. I have read a book by Dr Lee who heads up the Hazeldan center and I really gained alot of insight from it. So helpful and really laid out in a way that makes it easy to understand the process.

I hope the family course can further add to our understanding and we are able to get the most out of it all. I will also get to see dd and be able to take her out for three hours and I really just miss her so I know that will be good for all of us. Thanks again. Today has just been hard. I really feel I am fighting battles every day and I don't understand why it has to be this hard but it is and it is exhausting.

[lbjnltx]

I hope that after you get to spend some time with your daughter and meet her treatment team that you will allow yourself to place (mentally and emotionally) your daughter in their care.  Then rest your weary mind and spirit!



lbj

[jellibeans]

UPDATE: Today I am taking my daughter to sign her up for her drug and alcohol outpatient program. I am glad she is home and I will tell you she seems different being drug/alcohol free. We had a long day yesterday and had meeting all morning then flew all afternoon and evening. I was so tired and exhausted so I imagine she was too but she kept a good mood through the whole time. It was pleasant to be around her and we laughed a good deal.

I think Hazelden is a good place but we did have some things that were not good. Probably small but I did feel like her stay could have been better. I think they were very disorganized and the P that was assigned to her I frankly didn't like at all. Tried to get us to change meds twice. We have been down that road and it wasn't a good experience. This is something we will take up with her P here.

Tomorrow I will take her to sign back up at school and we will try to get that settled so it is going to be busy here for a while. I am nervous that she will relapse. I did not realize she had such a drug and alcohol problem. I was in denial but not anymore. Hazelden gave us a four day long family program that helped us a great deal to understand addition. That alone was priceless. Hazelden was not a cure it was just a new beginning for her and a new journey for us all.

I will keep you all posted... .things have been very busy and the adjustment for my dd will not be easy with her defiancy. She realizes this but old habits are hard to change. We have a continuing care plan for her and a home contract with a list of boundaries. I feel good about it all but already I am getting some push back with her going to a meeting tonight. I am holding my ground. She will go or there will be consequences. Wish me luck.

[lbjnltx]

Thanks for the update Jellie,

Glad you and  your d are having some quality time together and she is able to cope with the hectic process of returning home.

Keep us updated as you are able.

We will be thinking about  you and praying for the best.

I hope she will go to the program tonight... .to invest so  much and not take care of that investment is not logical... .maybe your d can hear this from you.

lbj

[Rapt Reader]

I am nervous that she will relapse. I did not realize she had such a drug and alcohol problem. I was in denial but not anymore. Hazelden gave us a four day long family program that helped us a great deal to understand addition. That alone was priceless. Hazelden was not a cure it was just a new beginning for her and a new journey for us all.

I'm really glad that she's back home safely, and had a relatively good and productive experience, despite the things that didn't sit right with you, jellibeans.

Your nervousness about her possible relapse is something I know very well; after the 2 "normal" Rehabs that my son went to, he relapsed both times. It wasn't until the Dual Diagnosis Program (similar to your daughter's stay at Hazelden) that he was treated for both the drug addiction and mental health issues, and that really did make all the difference in his recovery.

Another thing that helped is that about 2 weeks after he was released from the DDx Program, he started the Neurofeedback Therapy (besides the continuation of all of his medications). I insisted on that extra step because I was fearing that if there wasn't something else or different this time, that a relapse would be too easy for him. I'm not sure if this is something that is available to her or acceptable to her (and my son has always loved it!), but maybe you could look into it?

It seemed to be another step forward for him, including it with the Out-Patient and Psychiatric Therapies that he had been doing prior to the DDx Program stay (and is still doing); something new and exciting that triggered something in his mind that "this time will be different; this time I will make it through, all the way to recovery... ."

[lbjnltx]

It seemed to be another step forward for him, including it with the Out-Patient and Psychiatric Therapies that he had been doing prior to the DDx Program stay (and is still doing); something new and exciting that triggered something in his mind that "this time will be different; this time I will make it through, all the way to recovery... ."

It literally did trigger different areas of his brain to be more active and in other area less active. From studying NFT there is an area of the brain they concentrate therapy on for addiction.

[qcarolr]

I will keep you all posted... .things have been very busy and the adjustment for my dd will not be easy with her defiancy. She realizes this but old habits are hard to change. We have a continuing care plan for her and a home contract with a list of boundaries. I feel good about it all but already I am getting some push back with her going to a meeting tonight. I am holding my ground. She will go or there will be consequences. Wish me luck.

Jellibeans - a good start to experience your D sober and clean of drugs. Remind me, how long was she at Hazelden?

Getting the butterfly tummy over relapse - kind of expected huh? Many of us have experienced this. I am hopeful that you can persevere with the boundaries while being a supportive, loving presence in her life. For my DD the hardest part is not having sober/clean friends to support her sobriety when she gets bored. DD28 is trying hard right now so she can stay in our home. Her mental health clinic has offered her a 4 week DBT skills class, and DD seems willing to go. Perseverance - this is my strongest prayer for her.

What kind of skills has your D learned? Did you get some training as well so you can be speaking the same 'language'?

Thanks for the update.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Thanks everyone for your input... .I am going to look into the neurofeedback and see if there is something in my area. I wish I could tell you dd is settling good but she didn't go to the meeting last night. It was originally presented to her as optional so she felt she could say no. I called my contact there and he had dd call him and they agreed she didn't need to go but she would need to go to the meeting tonight so she is suppose to go tonight. Today we are going to school to get new schedule and she already told me last night she didn't want to attend today... .it is hard for me to keep a smile on my face when she is not following through with our plan. Today is senior skip day... .kind of an unoffical holiday so once again dd feels she doesn't need to go. I have taken her phone and I cancled a hair appointment for her that I had made for today. She really needs her hair done but I feel she is really not holding up her part of the bargain. We seem to be just reverting to our old roles and it is disheartening. I had hoped to go with my daughter to get our toes done later but I will put that on hold as well.

On the positive dd seems in a good mood. She is spending time with the family and not isolating herself in her room. She helped clean up after dinner and went to bed at a decent time. She deleted all her old user friends from her phone and told others she could not be their friend any longer.

She was late getting up this morning but hopefully she will go to school with me to enroll. I know it is going to be another battle. I feel I should look for a shelter or foster home set up because I really don't know how long I can take this constant fighting... .I will take a deep breath and try not to show my emotions. I am just really disappointed.

[jellibeans]

UPDATE: Dd has been home a week now and although it kind of started rocky things have settled down a bit. It has been a difficult week for us all because it is spring break and there is no school therefore no real schedule. My dd has returned to sleeping most of the morning away and staying up late. She did go to two meeting this week and she has been in a good mood most days. She is just so bored and is not seeing her old friends so she is very isolated. I hope next week brings a better schedule and she will have more meetings and time to socialize with her new out patient program kids.

I have been trying to contact her T for well over a week now and finally heard from her yesterday. She says she is having personally issues and is cutting back on see clients. She thinks DD needs a T that can give her that kind of attention so we are now also looking for a new T. Her out patient program will be pretty intense but we still feel she needs help with the PTSD and trauma therapy.

We see her P next week to touch base about meds etc... .he is once again on vacation. He is always on vacation.

So far I feel dd is doing pretty good. I do think she is smoking again which worries me some because it is a return of the sneaking around and hiding. She is walking our dog a lot right now.

That is really all I have to report. It has been pretty exhausting lately and I just want to return to some kind of schedule next week.

[jellibeans]

UPDATE: Well three days of school is all it took for things to come off the rails. Last night dd refused to go to her rehab family meeting and today she has refused to go to school. She is still sleeping the day away and I am wondering if she has relapsed already. Wednesday's are the day they drug test and she seemed to find many reasons not to go. She reverted to old behaviors pretty quick. I have been in contact with the school and the counselor has offered to come for a home visit today if she ever gets out of bed. Also there is a girl from her teen group that is suppose to call me and come visit sometime today as well. I am not sure this will help but it will take me out of the picture and right now the further the away the better. I have been up all night crying... .I was not able to sleep. I am just so disappointed in her behavior toward us and this slide into rebellion again.

Her 18th bday is this july and I am practicing Letting Go... .detaching with love... .I will help her as much as I can but I can't do the work for her. I find myself grieving all over again and once again my hope for her future is shaken. I know it is so important to be hopeful but it is so hard. We have given her the best treatment places... .we spared no cost and I just don't feel she is really trying... .I think her plan all along was to just get through until she is 18 and then leave... .I am getting out of her way and letting her choose her own path.

[Rapt Reader]

I'm really sorry for all of this, jellibeans 

There aren't any Neurofeedback Therapists around your area? Or, would your daughter not go? I still recommend it, if it is available to you and your daughter would check it out... .My son's NF Therapist had a free introductory meeting with him to explain how it all worked and what she felt she could do for him (he was skeptical before that meeting, but agreed to at least meet with her). After that first meeting, he was happy to go to the sessions, and he really liked the T right away, and that helped.

I do credit his NFT sessions with helping him with his addiction recovery, and his recovery from BPD. It took what he learned at the DDx Program and supported it with the brain changes being made with the NFT; he's been clean and sober for more than 2 years now. His thinking is much more mature and clear-headed because of all of that... .

Please hang in there, jellibeans. I know it's hard to see your kid slip back into old patterns and feel helpless to do anything about it... .Did she ever get a new Therapist? Or are you still looking for one? Don't give up, but letting go of trying control her and everything around her is sometimes the only thing you can do. Researching can keep your mind busy and positive, and always has the possibility of finding the right answer... .You're doing the best that you can, and we support your efforts 

[mggt]

Dear Jelli ,So sorry to hear of the latest news. Keeping you in our prayers

[jellibeans]

UPDATE: sorry have not posted in a while. Things were so unsettled and my dd was struggling with her return home and to school. We met with her principal and decided the best thing to do was to have her graduate early and she did that about two weeks ago. She had relapsed and just seemed to be going down hill. What we ended up doing was looking for a sober living house and we found one that would take her even though she is not 18 yet. They have support for finding a job and have classes to write resumes etc. A counselor she checks in with weekly and sets goals. She is part of an IOP for her drug issues and she has mandatory meeting to attend. The house that she lives at has many people around her age... .she is the youngest. There are rules to the house... .they have to up out of bed by 9am... .they have chores at the house during the week etc... .she moved in last week and is still settling in but the stress here at home is awesome. I am trying not to worry about her and I think she is doing well. They drug test twice a week so there is not room to slip.

I really struggled with what to do with my dd and I feel she is now in a place to do the work she needs to do to get better and recover. So far so good. It all happened pretty fast but given her  defiant ways I feel this lets her take responsibility for herself and she is the one taking charge of her path. I hope she makes the right decisions going forward.

[lbjnltx]

Oh jelly, I'm so glad you are feeling some relief from the stress. 

When our kiddos reach adult hood/legal independence from us there is not much we can do except support them in the positive choices and guide them away from their poor choices.

Succeeding or failing under their own direction can be a very good teacher.

Does your d attend any kind of group therapy there at the sober living house or is the group she attends  outside of the house?

lbjnltx

[jellibeans]

She attends IOP meeting three times a week. She attends SEV meeting which are to help find a job... .resume write etc. She also must attend a house meeting every Sunday night which is lead by the house manager. It is a time when people are called out for not doing their chores or curfew lateness etc... .She also needs to show she has a sponsor and is working on the steps of AA... .I believe she is to attend AA meetings too. She is drug tested twice a week as well. She does have a counselor that meets with her weekly to set goals and see she is keeping her commitments.

I am not sure how much counseling she is getting at the IOP... .I did take her to a new therapist but she feels that right now she needs to focus on sobreity and get her drug and alcohol addiction under control and I agree. I don't feel she is in a safe place to work on the trauma and PTSD.

I am not sure how this will go... .I am hoping for the best and I feel we have given her a good support system and every possibility to succeed. I do hope she chooses to work on herself and finds some tools to live an independent life.

The lack of stress at home is so nice for a change. I feel I can breath and I am not worried 24/7. I feel I can get so much done in one day and I have so much more energy. Little by little I am taking my life back and that is a good feeling. I miss her everyday but I know she is close by and if she needs me she can call.

I am keeping hopeful... .I will keep you all posted... .thank you so much for your support... .I really don't know where I would be without you all.

[Tamara96]

Hang in there Jellybeans. It's a process... .a very unpleasant roller coaster ride.

Glad you found somewhere for her to stay that will continue to help her stay on track.

Our DD is in wilderness and all we hear about is how important the post care placement is to prevent relapse. Your experience certainly points this out loud and clear. And relapses are part of the growing experience, as much as we hate them... .

We are now on the search for the post residential therapeutic spot for our DD. Based on your experience, anything you feel we should be mindful of? Best of luck to you and your family.