13 years of this and I am starting to think I may need a mental ward

[Mindless]

Thank God I found this forum, I need support and not sure how to or where to turn to? I don't want to break up my family but I think it's time for me to move out and move on, 13 years of this and I am starting to think I may need a mental ward! What do I do 1st? Job and family services how do I go about finding a place to move into without any $$$? And should I call our local mental health dept? Husband was diagnosed with BPD years ago when I once again wanted to move out, he was going to take his life, was put in a mental ward for maybe 2 to 3 days on meds came home, says he doesn't remember being told he has this disorder, tells me I have it? I'm exhausted and what's really sad 2 beautiful girls are in this mess, please help I need to get myself back! Thank you!

[Skip]

Can you tell us more?  Are you married?  common law?  Is he a bio-parent?

[Mindless]

Can you tell us more?  Are you married?  common law?  Is he a bio-parent?

married 13 years, 2 girls, it's the typical BPD person, I don't really know what else to post, other than I'm exhausted and waiting for holiday to be over toske some calls! I have friends who have connections to help point me in the right direction, just time right now, I guess back to the counselor I and my girls will be going, haven't had the extra $ to go and this gets costly with a $40 copay, hoping I can get some assistance to help get my girls counsel, scary thing we just filed for bankruptcy and have to make payments for the next 3 years. Am afraid this is going to infringe on me wanting to leave? And is he going to put suicide in this again? Thanks for helping

[livednlearned]

Hi Mindless,

Glad you found the forum too. It makes a big difference to bounce thoughts and ideas off people who know what you're dealing with, all the complicated feelings that go with these relationships. After his BPD diagnosis, did you get any support from the clinic or health practitioners? I can't remember the study, but a lot of BPD carers experience depression and anxiety. Getting support can alleviate the crushing feelings we experience trying to manage someone with BPD.

Did something happen recently to make you feel it was time to divorce?

How are your girls doing?

[Mindless]

Hi Mindless,

Glad you found the forum too. It makes a big difference to bounce thoughts and ideas off people who know what you're dealing with, all the complicated feelings that go with these relationships. After his BPD diagnosis, did you get any support from the clinic or health practitioners? I can't remember the study, but a lot of BPD carers experience depression and anxiety. Getting support can alleviate the crushing feelings we experience trying to manage someone with BPD.

Did something happen recently to make you feel it was time to divorce?

How are your girls doing?

They are sad of course, no child wants their parents to split! Honestly this has gone on so long I feel it's normal but when he is cutting and making me look like I'm incompetent then whatever mind I have left tells me this is not right! Counseling was a joke! He would pull the wool over the counselors eyes and when we left I would just bawl, felt as though we weren't getting anywhere so we stopped, big mistake I'm sure, sad to say he has never taken the meds he should've, but in some retrospect I almost feel like I have this, I do not make up fathomed excuses or come up with stories that are not true, he thinks I want to be with all his buddies, it's sad I won't have anyone except family come to our home, and they hardly come by!

[maxen]

hi Mindless.    i'm happy you found us too, and you've already mentioned a number of things in your posts that will be familiar to all the posters on this board. so you've come to the right place! it certainly seems overwhelming and what you might try to do is prioritize your issues, then you can see how to proceed. what do you think your next step is?

[ogopogodude]

Coming here to this site is your 1st step to getting better.

There are a lot of great members on these forums that can help you simply by you asking Q's and they can give their two cents.

What worked for me is to make that other 1st step by going to social services and asking for an appointment to "open a file" and to discuss how the situation affects the children involved.  For me, this was soo hard to do as I was always under the impression that social services immediately takes the kids away and puts them into foster homes, ...  and then they ask questions later. Boy was I wrong on this one.

The social services agents were excellent.  They wanted to help in any positive way that they could.  I went many times (at least six to seven times) to them --The Ministry of Children and Family Development-- which is what it is called here in Canada.  I specifically asked for an agent to be very educated in BPD and she was... . 

[ogopogodude]

BTW, ... .far too many people are afraid to actually approach social services.  This government agency is there to help. Specifically, they are there to help children. But in this way, they can indirectly help YOU.

It sounds like you are a bag of nerves and on edge mainly because you simply do not know what to do.

I was in that same scenario myself just a few short years ago.

[Mindless]

BTW, ... .far too many people are afraid to actually approach social services.  This government agency is there to help. Specifically, they are there to help children. But in this way, they can indirectly help YOU.

It sounds like you are a bag of nerves and on edge mainly because you simply do not know what to do.

I was in that same scenario myself just a few short years ago.

yep scared of managing my girls like getting them to school my job, I work 1 to 9:30 about 3 days a week, and the husband was there to get them get there homework done, make their dinner and do homework! So answer me this? How can he be so good doing this but our marriage is horrible? I'm just afraid of the unknown, my 9 year old is so sad! I did however find an apt. My friend said they won't make me put a deposit down which is helpful but I'm still afraid about finances, I just want to be free of this crazy moody disorder, I had an alcoholic father and had to walk on eggshells when I was growing and here I am middle aged and going through all this again other than there is no drinking involved, thank god!

[ForeverDad]

Counseling was a joke! He would pull the wool over the counselors eyes and when we left I would just bawl, felt as though we weren't getting anywhere so we stopped, big mistake I'm sure, sad to say he has never taken the meds he should've, but in some retrospect I almost feel like I have this, I do not make up fathomed excuses or come up with stories that are not true, he thinks I want to be with all his buddies, it's sad I won't have anyone except family come to our home, and they hardly come by!

It has often been said here that over the short term a person with BPD (pwBPD) may be able to fool the professionals, but only the gullible or clueless professionals will continue to be conned, the perceptive experts who see more than brief snapshots of your lives will (eventually) figure it out.

Meds can perhaps help moderate the extremes of the behaviors and perhaps help therapy to take root but the real fix for BPD is therapy, effective, applied in one's life over months and years.  From what you've related, he hasn't even gotten to Step 1, recognizing and dropping his Denial and Blame-Shifting.

So answer me this? How can he be so good doing this but our marriage is horrible?

You are bearing the brunt of his misbehaviors.  There are probably a number of psychological reasons why he focuses on you at this time.  Perhaps his fear of abandonment focuses on you and his manipulations are done to control you.  The children aren't going to get up and walk out on him, but you can, perhaps that is one of the factors. Yes, it doesn't make sense, his very actions to keep you are causing you to need to leave, that's the mental illness.

I'm just afraid of the unknown, my 9 year old is so sad! I did however find an apt. My friend said they won't make me put a deposit down which is helpful but I'm still afraid about finances, I just want to be free of this crazy moody disorder, I had an alcoholic father and had to walk on eggshells when I was growing and here I am middle aged and going through all this again other than there is no drinking involved, thank god!

That you had a parent with issues set you up to be more likely to seek out a spouse with issues.  :)on't beat yourself up over the past, though, you didn't know how to handle issues and their implications.  But now that you know, make better choices going forward.  How can you improve your future?  Weigh your options.  In addition to taking advantage of your peer support here (we've "been there, done that" here are some positive actions to take:

• Get free or inexpensive legal consultations with some family law attorneys - find out your legal options, some reasonable strategies in the face of bankruptcy and a messed up spouse... .and remember that all this should be done confidentially, sharing this with your spouse will be sabotaging yourself.



• If you can't have your spouse removed from the home then getting an apartment free of the marital connections may make sense, but be careful not to remain obligated to the current residence and its expenses.



• Limiting the children's time with their father will probably involve family court, that's one of the reasons why legal consultations are so important, you want to take every step correctly.

[livednlearned]

Domestic violence hotlines can also be very helpful -- although the quality can be variable. Some DV advocates seem to be young undergrads with good intentions but not a lot of life experience. I didn't experience DV in my marriage, only what is referred to as "environmental abuse" where he would throw things at me, lock me out of the house, or destroy my things. But advocates can still help you figure out what you need to know, whether there is DV or not. It's an abusive/controlling relationship and they will understand the risks running through your head.

They should be able to help you think through the puzzle of how to leave carefully. For example, you may not need a deposit for an apartment, but you might have to show that your income is 3x the cost of monthly rent. That was a surprise to me when I began putting together an exit plan.

There are other things, too. Like consolidating debt to one card so you can close the others or take his name off them. If you leave and don't want to be responsible for any impulse buys or charges to credit cards he makes, you have to have a plan for that. In some states, once your formally separate, any new charges are treated as non-marital.

You may also want to call a suicide hotline and ask them for their input. Your ex may need a suicide watch and they can give you an idea about what you can do to protect yourself as your H struggles with abandonment issues.