Full Circle

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

After two years of ups and downs and a whole world of emotional torment (for us both, I won't deny I was always half to blame), she's trying to get back in!  Our last communication in early Jan was angry and bitter following a few months of LC. At that time all was hunky dory with my replacement (very quick switch, although I binned her). Now this new RS has gone sour and she's laying it on THICK. There's no way I'm getting back in there but I'm toying with idea of getting myself some closure, saying goodbye properly and telling her why we will never be together but feck it feels great. A weird validation. To those who are battling, I have felt your pain. Don't worry, all is not okay now, they're still fecked in the head. The time will come when the weight is lifted and although you won't be with them, you'll be sure that the failures aren't yours alone.

[Coffeeandsmokes]

After two years of ups and downs and a whole world of emotional torment (for us both, I won't deny I was always half to blame), she's trying to get back in!  Our last communication in early Jan was angry and bitter following a few months of LC. At that time all was hunky dory with my replacement (very quick switch, although I binned her). Now this new RS has gone sour and she's laying it on THICK. There's no way I'm getting back in there but I'm toying with idea of getting myself some closure, saying goodbye properly and telling her why we will never be together but feck it feels great. A weird validation. To those who are battling, I have felt your pain. Don't worry, all is not okay now, they're still fecked in the head. The time will come when the weight is lifted and although you won't be with them, you'll be sure that the failures aren't yours alone.

[Mutt]

Hi coffeeandsmokes,



You can give yourself closure without getting it from her. I talk to my ex and I 'm not entirely split black. I can't say I can relate with her idealizing me again.

PERSPECTIVES: From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle

I'll cross that bridge if I have to.

It's been two years for me as well. You feel strong enough to talk to her while she's idealizing you? She's laying it on thick.

[Loosestrife]

Reading this helped me:

In truth, the only kind of closure you can get on this, involves You coming to terms with the fact that you've tried to have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional individual. Learn and grow from this experience and work hard to get well, so you can eventually be attracted to someone healthier.

[drummerboy]

It's funny but as god awful painful as the b/u was (1 year since b/u for me) I now realise a few amazing things

This was the most important r/s I've ever been through

I finally moved from having a naive view of love and relationships to having a grown up perspective (I'm 52)

The b/u got me into therapy where I've addressed childhood hurts that I wish I'd addressed many years ago.

I've started loving myself and believing in myself

I've become strong. I'm reminded of that quote in Star Wars "strike me down, and I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine"

Looking at my ex and her mom I've learned important lessons about how NOT to bring up my daughters and I believe I am now bringing them up in a much healthier way than before.

No one will ever get under my guard ever again and if someone does leave me abruptly and treats me with disrespect I will turn around and walk away knowing that I'll be just fine, thank you very much, without them.

I will never base my happiness on another person, I will never become addicted to another person because I believe in myself and I know that the love inside me creates my happiness, not another person.

I can only hope my ex got even just a quarter of enlightenment from our relationship that I did but I very much doubt it. So, my BPD r/s was the best thing that ever happened to me even though the pain of it is not something I'd wish on my worst enemy.

Reading this helped me:

In truth, the only kind of closure you can get on this, involves You coming to terms with the fact that you've tried to have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional individual. Learn and grow from this experience and work hard to get well, so you can eventually be attracted to someone healthier.

[Infared]

"But, I'm toying with the idea of getting myself some closure".  Sounds like your still in/playing "The Game".

I could not respect myself and actually talk to or spend time with my ex.  It's like hanging out with a suicide bomber... .they could be really, really nice or they could push the button. Their call.

No thanks.

[downwhim]

Infared,

My ex was Jekyll and Hyde. I fore one am not going back to be devalued and meet my replacement! He can be so cruel and cutthroat. Why would I want to get closure when I know the outcome? This is closure. I was dumped, he moved on to go have sex with someone new and I am left to figure it out. That is it! 8 years, who cares, engagement, just something for him to do one weekend. It meant nothing to him.

It is amazing because I too was trying to make a functional relationship out of a dysfunctional r/s - family. Example - I wanted to sit down and have a meal with his kids at the dinner table. Those times were so uncomfortable. His kids kept their heads down, hardly talked, his son ate fast and his daughter picked at her food. Little conversation. Done, table cleaned, son vacuums up his mess with a hand vac. daughter still picking at food and head down. The opposite of how I was raised and how my sons grew up. Dinner was a time to catch up with lively conversation, laughs, sharing and together we cleaned up still talking... .ex divorced his wife when kids were 3 and 7. She then married an abusive man whom they lived with for 7 years. They ate in front to the tv. They have no people skills, who was I to try and change that?

I also tried to make my ex functional by getting him to go out and socialize with me more often. He really is more anti social. He called them "my friends". I tried to let him know that when most couples get engaged they get closer and want to be together and make plans for their future. Foreign to him. Get engaged then f$$k it up. Make it hard. Start fighting. Commitment = fear. With borderlines growing together as a couple is not how they are made up. Love/hate, black/white, intimate/distancing, fun/no joy, sex/withholding sex, conversation/silent treatment. This is how they view the world.

There is no chance. No way to help or change the mentally ill unless they face it and seek help themselves. Mine is stubborn and admits no fault. Closure? Why?

It is not us. The only fault we have is falling into the trap that we now must work our way out of and to try and figure out what it was that lured us in?

[Infared]

Infared,

My ex was Jekyll and Hyde. I fore one am not going back to be devalued and meet my replacement! He can be so cruel and cutthroat. Why would I want to get closure when I know the outcome? This is closure. I was dumped, he moved on to go have sex with someone new and I am left to figure it out. That is it! 8 years, who cares, engagement, just something for him to do one weekend. It meant nothing to him.

It is amazing because I too was trying to make a functional relationship out of a dysfunctional r/s - family. Example - I wanted to sit down and have a meal with his kids at the dinner table. Those times were so uncomfortable. His kids kept their heads down, hardly talked, his son ate fast and his daughter picked at her food. Little conversation. Done, table cleaned, son vacuums up his mess with a hand vac. daughter still picking at food and head down. The opposite of how I was raised and how my sons grew up. Dinner was a time to catch up with lively conversation, laughs, sharing and together we cleaned up still talking... .ex divorced his wife when kids were 3 and 7. She then married an abusive man whom they lived with for 7 years. They ate in front to the tv. They have no people skills, who was I to try and change that?

I also tried to make my ex functional by getting him to go out and socialize with me more often. He really is more anti social. He called them "my friends". I tried to let him know that when most couples get engaged they get closer and want to be together and make plans for their future. Foreign to him. Get engaged then f$$k it up. Make it hard. Start fighting. Commitment = fear. With borderlines growing together as a couple is not how they are made up. Love/hate, black/white, intimate/distancing, fun/no joy, sex/withholding sex, conversation/silent treatment. This is how they view the world.

There is no chance. No way to help or change the mentally ill unless they face it and seek help themselves. Mine is stubborn and admits no fault. Closure? Why?

It is not us. The only fault we have is falling into the trap that we now must work our way out of and to try and figure out what it was that lured us in?

We do like our Rescue-Mode... .Don't we!

How has that worked out for us!   

[Mr Hollande]

"But, I'm toying with the idea of getting myself some closure".  Sounds like your still in/playing "The Game".

I could not respect myself and actually talk to or spend time with my ex.  It's like hanging out with a suicide bomber... .they could be really, really nice or they could push the button. Their call.

No thanks.

I'm with you there. Mine will get nothing from me but stone cold silence. No tears, no anger, no blame, friendship, kindness, sympathy... .nothing. Whatever progress I make or don't make, however I feel and whatever I'm doing is none of her business. That is for me and me alone. I see no other way to go forward but to cut her off completely.

[Infared]

"But, I'm toying with the idea of getting myself some closure".  Sounds like your still in/playing "The Game".

I could not respect myself and actually talk to or spend time with my ex.  It's like hanging out with a suicide bomber... .they could be really, really nice or they could push the button. Their call.

No thanks.

I'm with you there. Mine will get nothing from me but stone cold silence. No tears, no anger, no blame, friendship, kindness, sympathy... .nothing. Whatever progress I make or don't make, however I feel and whatever I'm doing is none of her business. That is for me and me alone. I see no other way to go forward but to cut her off completely.

Yes... .The better I become, The more I can clearly see that there is just NOTHING healthy there and I can make the choice to just not be around it or interact with it. She just takes from me. (Oh... .and everyone else!)  

[apollotech]

Infared,

My ex was Jekyll and Hyde. I fore one am not going back to be devalued and meet my replacement! He can be so cruel and cutthroat. Why would I want to get closure when I know the outcome? This is closure. I was dumped, he moved on to go have sex with someone new and I am left to figure it out. That is it! 8 years, who cares, engagement, just something for him to do one weekend. It meant nothing to him.

It is amazing because I too was trying to make a functional relationship out of a dysfunctional r/s - family.[emphasis mine] Example - I wanted to sit down and have a meal with his kids at the dinner table. Those times were so uncomfortable. His kids kept their heads down, hardly talked, his son ate fast and his daughter picked at her food. Little conversation. Done, table cleaned, son vacuums up his mess with a hand vac. daughter still picking at food and head down. The opposite of how I was raised and how my sons grew up. Dinner was a time to catch up with lively conversation, laughs, sharing and together we cleaned up still talking... .ex divorced his wife when kids were 3 and 7. She then married an abusive man whom they lived with for 7 years. They ate in front to the tv. They have no people skills, who was I to try and change that?

I also tried to make my ex functional by getting him to go out and socialize with me more often. He really is more anti social. He called them "my friends". I tried to let him know that when most couples get engaged they get closer and want to be together and make plans for their future. Foreign to him. Get engaged then f$$k it up. Make it hard. Start fighting. Commitment = fear. With borderlines growing together as a couple is not how they are made up. Love/hate, black/white, intimate/distancing, fun/no joy, sex/withholding sex, conversation/silent treatment. This is how they view the world.[emphasis mine]

There is no chance. No way to help or change the mentally ill unless they face it and seek help themselves. Mine is stubborn and admits no fault.[emphasis mine] Closure? Why?

It is not us. The only fault we have is falling into the trap that we now must work our way out of and to try and figure out what it was that lured us in?

There is no closure with someone mired in black or white thinking and someone that cannot admit any wrong on their behalf. I think your time would be well spent investing it in bettering yourself. Looking for closure from/with a mentally ill person just seems like trying to teach a pig to fly... .a complete waste of time.