How can they deny the hard core facts? How does that work?

[Wood stock]

My crazy story--BPDbf serving 120 days in jail in another state for a second DUI (yet he claimed he didn't have a drinking problem)--I took care of his daughter (who is not mine) and his finances, etc. etc. while he served his sentence. I took his collect calls from jail and was a good woman to him all the way around.  I have two children of my own--I'm a full time teacher--and here I was with the three children, house, and his bullcrap/drama.

He would call and either be pleasant or screaming and hollering at me. It was a crap shoot every time I picked up the phone. He broke up with me twice from jail (over some petty argument)--ripped the child from me making me take her to his mother's, etc. So... .the last time, I did what he said, blocked his calls from jail, put all of his belongings in storage, and then wrote a letter explaining how heartbroken but fed up I was and that he wanted it to be done, so I gave him what he wanted.

Well... .he arrived home a few days ago... .and he just insists that it was ME who did him so wrong--treated him so horribly--the things he texted me were things that I should be saying to him! I'M a piece of garbage? What? The facts are on paper--a PFA on him in June for physical violence, a jail sentence, basically abandoning his child, and yet I am the one who fell, short? How does a person--BPD/NPD or whatever--totally overlook the cold hard facts? What a kick in the face... .THAT is what I am struggling with most... .no appreciation, nothing but hatred for me... .wow!

Would someone please translate this for me?

[jhkbuzz]

From https://www.BPDcentral.com/help-for-families/familiar-fights/

Tag, You're It : A Game of Projection

Some people with BPD or NPD who act out may use a more complicated type of defense mechanism — we've named it "Tag, You're It"- to relieve their anxiety, pain, and feelings of shame. It's more complex because it combines shame, splitting, denial, and projection.

People with BPD (and some with NPD) usually lack a clear sense of who they are, and feel empty and inherently defective. Others seem to run away from them, which is lonely and excruciatingly painful. So borderlines cope by trying to "tag" or "put" these feelings onto someone else. This is called projection.

Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them (often in an accusing way) to someone else. Projection is like gazing at yourself in a hand-held mirror. When you think you look ugly, you turn the mirror around. Voila! Now the homely face in the mirror belongs to somebody else.

The BP's unconscious hope is that by projecting this unpleasant stuff onto another person-by tagging someone else and making them "it" like a game of Tag — the person with BPD will feel better about themselves. And they do feel better, for a little while. But the pain comes back. So the game is played again and again.

Projection also has another purpose: your loved one unconsciously fears that if you find out they're not perfect, you will abandon them. Like in the Wizard of Oz, they live in constant terror that you'll discover the person behind the curtain. Projecting the negative traits and feelings onto you is a way to keep the curtain closed and redirect your attention on the perfect image they've tried to create for themselves.

How can people with BPD and NPD deny that they are projecting when it is so obvious to everyone else? The answer is that shame and splitting may combine with projection and denial to make the "Tag, You're It" defense mechanism a more powerful way of denying ownership of unpleasant thoughts and feelings.

[fromheeltoheal]

buzz nailed it.  Feelings are facts to borderlines, 'adjust' reality to feel better.  You have to be the scumbag as his dysfunction escalates because if he accepted responsibility for any of it, the floodgates would open, he'd melt into a puddle of shame, you'd see who he really is, and you'd leave, bottom line.  Of course you may leave anyway, since that is bullsht, so it's a self fulfilling prophesy on his part.  There's no place for cold hard facts for the mentally ill, the only question is how long do we put up with it?

[BadKitty]

Reading your story and jhkbuzz's response made me have a sort of epiphany about an argument (or rather him raging at me) me and my BPDbf had last week, part one of the reason I have decided I need to leave.

My BPDbf has a bit of a drinking problem. My dad has 2 dui's and landed his butt back in jail for showing up late for his labor detail work for probation. I was caring for my disabled sister at our apartment while he was is jail for four days. My BPDbf sent text rants while I was at work saying he was done with our relationship because he didn't sign up for my dad's irresponsible drinking causing us all to suffer, including the cat which had to be put in the bedroom while my sister was there due to aggressiveness. He has always told me he feels guilty for drinking because of all the alcoholics I've had in my life. Even if I tell him it's ok to go out and have a drink, he feels guilty, like he's letting me down.

He must have been projecting. It's funny how he went out drinking that night after the argument. Must've made him feel even worse.  

[Infared]

"There's no place for cold hard facts for the mentally ill, the only question is how long do we put up with it?"

That, and what Jhkbuzz said pretty much nails it. Plus, add to the fact that and alcoholic was put in jail... .separating him from his most important, most needed other.  Alcohol.  This withdrawal, need also fueled the roller coaster ride that you endured.  Please don't minimize that aspect... .it's huge.  An addicted person sitting in a jail in a pile of pity and shame is unpredictable at best.

[goateeki]

There's no place for cold hard facts for the mentally ill, the only question is how long do we put up with it?

So true, and sums up my experience nicely.  On the day I die, I will probably still not understand how my dPBDxw could deny facts that cannot be disputed -- like denying that events that she participated in ever occurred.  It made me feel like I was losing touch with reality.  There were other times that she would describe events that I know did not occur, and these events invariably featured me doing something that hurt her. 

When you're dealing with a pwBPD, there really is no such thing as an agreed upon reality.  There is no way to work with this kind of person. 

[Wood stock]

Thank you all for your help... .for your insight... .jhkbuzz-- you helped me breathe out last night and actually get a few hours sleep.  Infared--you pointed out the alcoholism piece... .and I had an Ah-ha moment. (He was home just two days before someone saw him walking into the liquor store)... .this community of people on this website is first-rate. Thank you all again... .

[jhkbuzz]

Thank you all for your help... .for your insight... .jhkbuzz-- you helped me breathe out last night and actually get a few hours sleep.  Infared--you pointed out the alcoholism piece... .and I had an Ah-ha moment. (He was home just two days before someone saw him walking into the liquor store)... .this community of people on this website is first-rate. Thank you all again... .

Your very welcome.  We all know from experience that it's all so crazy making that you begin to question your own perception of reality.

Projection is a very interesting phenomenon when you get good enough to catch it in action, while it's happening.