The daunting silence

[Sanity searcher]

The silence is so eerie... .The phone never rings, no text message alerts. I think that's the part I really hate. She had me trained... .texted and called excessively throughout the day and god forbid if I didn't answer. So I grew to like the attention. She needed me, she missed me, she loved me... .all of the sweet messages. in the beginning it was overwhelming, when it became less frequent I was on high alert... .Something is wrong. She no longer questioned me daily if she could see me. Her phone was becoming a distraction when we were together... .again. I got scared... .the cycle was coming around once again. And so after the first two rages... .this time... .I said no more... .I ended it. And now all I have is complete silence. She programmed me to need it and without it I'm lost... .

[Copperfox]

There is a great book called The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene.  It's all about how to seduce people through specific manipulative techniques.  It's funny, because a lot of it reads like a BPD playbook.  Although I think some of it is subconscious on the pwBPD's part, they are driven by some very deep core fears that cause them to act out in certain ways.  You can see that in the similarities between many of the stories on here.  It is almost eery.

My main point is that the pattern you describe is a common one, for pwBPD or with any seduction.  It's not something you are going through alone, many of us on this board no exactly how you feel, because we've been there.  It sounds like you stood up and were strong though, you ended it when you felt the dysfunction.  That's a great testament to your fortitude and inner strength. 

[Recooperating]

Hi Sanity Searcher,

A very familiar feeling, the daunting silence! Checking your phone every two seconds to see if you received anything eventhough you know you havent. Try to distract yourself. Used the new found time and freedom to do other things you enjoy. Go for a walk (leave your phone at home) find a hobby a passion, work out, meet with friends etc. Look at the positive side of the daunting silence... .Time for YOU!

I know it sounds cliche but really it gets better with time. 5 months post b/u I dont have the urge to check my phone every second anymore. (every other hour or so now  )

Hang in there!

[thatwasthat]

I felt the same.

In my opinion it is so hard because the constant checking they use also makes us feel safe... .

But. Eventhough I thought I enjoyed the constant texting... .I wasn't able to do anything that wouldn't allow me to check my phone.

What helped me... .I started doing things that would have been "difficult" for me. Like swimming etc. Although at the time I was still deep in the hole in terms of missing her etc... .Not having to check my phone felt good.

[Keysmiami]

This is the hardest part.  Especially the times I would talk to her. She works 3to 12 with an hour commute. I basically talked to her until she put her key in her door. I get a sinking feeling at 1130 pm now b

[downwhim]

I agree with all of you. That eerie sound of silence. My ex would call me first thing in the morning if we weren't together, 12 noon and before 5. It was a routine to check in see how my day was. It is hard not having someone care. I too checked my phone a lot in the begging. I still check my junk mail at 4 1/2 months N/C as he is blocked. Nothing... .

[Invictus01]

I went back and checked... .I used to get 100-150 texts from her a day. Once the whole thing blew up, I had to change the text ringtone 'cause every time my phone buzzed, I jumped and my heart would jump up all the way to my throat. The first week or two, I was waking up 5 times a night (couldn't sleep too well anyway) to check my messages. They train us like dogs with this stuff.

[myself]

They train us like dogs with this stuff.

Many of us also went along with it, liking the attention, feeling needed, and so on. It became one of the layers of our 'addiction'. Some of what is being gone through now is the silence of withdrawal. While freeing ourselves.

[Deeno02]

I do miss it sometimes. But what I dont miss is the feeling of dread I would get when her ringtone went off. I knew I was going to get b___ed out for something as she started to devalue me. Used to end up making excuses, like I was in a meeting or something, to get some relief!

[jhkbuzz]

The silence is so eerie... .The phone never rings, no text message alerts. I think that's the part I really hate. She had me trained... .texted and called excessively throughout the day and god forbid if I didn't answer. So I grew to like the attention. She needed me, she missed me, she loved me... .all of the sweet messages. in the beginning it was overwhelming, when it became less frequent I was on high alert... .Something is wrong. She no longer questioned me daily if she could see me. Her phone was becoming a distraction when we were together... .again. I got scared... .the cycle was coming around once again. And so after the first two rages... .this time... .I said no more... .I ended it. And now all I have is complete silence. She programmed me to need it and without it I'm lost... .

In the first month of the b/u I found myself jumping a bit every time my phone buzzed, so I blocked her number.  It gave me an immediate sense of peace because after I did it I knew that if anyone was contacting me (friends, etc.) it couldn't possibly be her.  You might want to think about doing it.

[cloudten]

Yes, I am trained like pavlov's dog. he thinks though that i have him blocked on my phone- but he isn't. So, that has solved that problem for me. But I still find that when my phone buzzes, i actually wish it was him. I still check my junk email too.  a habit i wish i would stop. but usually when i check there is something there. double  

I'm going to therapy in an hour so maybe I'll have to ask about that.

[hope2727]

Yup I miss it too. The first contact and constant feedback. Then the withdrawal while he acted like I was a bother. Then finally the discard and being told never contact me again. Then when he contact me him crying and asking why I hadn't called. I actually asked him how I was supposed to call when he raged at me not to ever contact him again? He responded that he didn't know. God I miss my man so much. It is a terrible disease.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Yes they bombarded your phone with text messages.  Without your responding they felt like astronauts cut adrift and floating through space.  Now they bombard someone else's phone.  This is all about them and their mental illness.  You no longer have this ball and chain around your ankle.  Run and enjoy your new found freedom.  Run through the grass and over the sand and around the trees.  Rejoice - you will be coming up for air at long last.

[mks10]

I'm in the same boat. Together for over 3 years, we talked every single day. Morning, mid-day, and before bed. Texted each other constantly. It seemed normal because we were in love right? 1.5 years post break-up and I'm still bitter, jaded, and hurting. Counseling helped but I still have rough days. I miss what I once had but I now see it was an illusion.

[willieb4]

To me the silence is golden, she's blocked but they still come through without a notification, I haven't looked in 63 days.

After 19 years and 4 recycles, I learned that texts just add to their repertoire of blame shame and manipulative communication. 

[fred6]

My ex was different, I usually initiated calls and texts at certain times throughout the day. If she didn't reply or answer, she eventually would. If I didn't call or text her at certain times she would eventually initiate contact. She was never too needy or clingy.

On the other hand, I'm dealing with a female now that is a stage 5 clinger. She calls and texts all the time. I'm not used to talking on the phone or texting this much. I haven't talked to one person on the phone this much since I was in high school. It get kind of irritating sometimes. I'm trying to be nice to her, but I hope she ain't a damn nut too. Maybe she's just lonely.  Or maybe I'm just lonely. Or maybe we're both just lonely. Hopefully I didn't find another one  

[christin5433]

I think it's amazing how we have such similar situations. Yep I was trained well to answer no matter what if I ignored I was bad. If she ignored I just was nothing in fact at times I felt she may be pausing and trying to not be impulsive . If ignored it was because she was verbally abusive . My point is I'm also going through withdrawl of hearing my phone... .Being alert to things I need to do or have done. Change... .It will get better go thru the feelings of this it's not good feelings but its part of detaching

[vbor]

I'm amazed at how much I miss those texts now. Only a few months ago I was ready to throw my phone against the wall because of them. I've been NC for almost an entire month now and still catch myself glancing over at my phone to see if the green light's blinking. Back when it was in full effect though... .it was driving me mad. I got comments from co-workers about it "hey, you're desk is constantly vibrating". Almost wrapped my car around a tree a few times... .even with bluetooth. I even remember MANY times texting even as I was showering. I DID NOT want to let a text from here go unacknowledged. I think we all know here what problems not texting them back would cause.

[christin5433]

I'm amazed at how much I miss those texts now. Only a few months ago I was ready to throw my phone against the wall because of them. I've been NC for almost an entire month now and still catch myself glancing over at my phone to see if the green light's blinking. Back when it was in full effect though... .it was driving me mad. I got comments from co-workers about it "hey, you're desk is constantly vibrating". Almost wrapped my car around a tree a few times... .even with bluetooth. I even remember MANY times texting even as I was showering. I DID NOT want to let a text from here go unacknowledged. I think we all know here what problems not texting them back would cause.

I too miss her texts calls. I dont miss the constant fighting.

[raisins3142]

After our first "date" (which consisted of a night together out and then her taking her pants off after I kissed her with her friend asleep in the next room   ), we both blew each other's phones up a lot.  We were both really enjoying conversing with each other and thought about each other a lot.  She was most comfortable texting and did not like talking on the phone, and we lived 45 minutes away.

Because our communications were so heavily texted based, and I backed up our text stream, it was an interesting case in devaluation.

I can pinpoint down to a day where she went from wanting a lot of communication to going a whole day without responding to me.  It was very stark, and despite us being too hot and heavy in the beginning, the ramp down was a brutal cliff.  This left me very upset when it occurred suddenly.  She blamed some stress on it.

I missed her texts then, while in the relationship, but now I only do somewhat.

She had her phone configured so that it alerted her to everything (emails, FB stuff/messages, and texts), so her phone was constantly going off. She like that feeling I think and made her feel less alone and gave the impression that she was popular.  It slowly drove me mad because she was very shady with her phone (like check it while I was out of the room and then quickly with a guilty look shut it down when I walked back in, and that is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to her extreme privacy).

[fromheeltoheal]

She programmed me to need it and without it I'm lost... .

As with any other addiction, and remember we were willing volunteers.  A borderline will do what they do, and after we get off the roller coaster the growth comes in digging to see why we were susceptible to the 'manipulation', if you want to call it that.  How are we wired in such a way that made an attachment with a borderline first possible, and then why did we get in so deep in the face of obvious bullsht?  And instead of making ourselves 'wrong' or trying to uncover deep seated childhood trauma, which may be there for some, legitimately, maybe we just needed to kill some naivety, grow up, and pick better partners.  Which applies?

[ADecadeLost]

The silence was uncomfortable at first (and felt empty/lonely), but I've come to enjoy it with time.  There's a peace to it.  I wouldn't ever want to go back to the alternative.

[cloudten]

My T says the number 1 thing to do when you find yourself looking at the phone or wishing it would ring/vibrate/alert you... .is just to distract yourself completely. It's the only way.

[findingmyselfagain]

Picking better partners may be the best but also hardest lesson. I liked my ex. I really did want things to work out. I had my love blinders on, and just forged ahead, thinking that's just what you do when you're "in love." I was depressed a lot longer than I thought, but now the peace is golden. The more time passes the more I accept I'll never be able to talk to her in a healthy way. I will probably never hear from her.

[christin5433]

She programmed me to need it and without it I'm lost... .

As with any other addiction, and remember we were willing volunteers.  A borderline will do what they do, and after we get off the roller coaster the growth comes in digging to see why we were susceptible to the 'manipulation', if you want to call it that.  How are we wired in such a way that made an attachment with a borderline first possible, and then why did we get in so deep in the face of obvious bullsht?  And instead of making ourselves 'wrong' or trying to uncover deep seated childhood trauma, which may be there for some, legitimately, maybe we just needed to kill some naivety, grow up, and pick better partners.  Which applies?

Ain't that the truth... .Trust me if I look at it for what was my part I knew I feeding my mommy or daddy issues? Who knows which but I should have called it bs but now the lesson is inevitable ... .I have to learn it. Trust me next time I won't be so naive I will see when that control and manipulation ever devalues me I won't cling to a text or a call to make me ok inside

[downnout98]

I'm amazed at how much I miss those texts now. Only a few months ago I was ready to throw my phone against the wall because of them. I've been NC for almost an entire month now and still catch myself glancing over at my phone to see if the green light's blinking. Back when it was in full effect though... .it was driving me mad. I got comments from co-workers about it "hey, you're desk is constantly vibrating". Almost wrapped my car around a tree a few times... .even with bluetooth. I even remember MANY times texting even as I was showering. I DID NOT want to let a text from here go unacknowledged. I think we all know here what problems not texting them back would cause.

It sucks that we were trained so well. As much as I hated the constant texting, I felt very insecure when they would stop. This was during the relationship. I was insecure because I knew that if I didn't give her the attention, she would find it from someone else. I was so accustomed to the texts that I still do miss them even though we have been apart for a couple of months now. She is in full swing with my replacement and was still texting me. It has finally stopped.

[Loosestrife]

What are you doing to distract yourself?

[drummerboy]

Yep, we loved being needed, loved the attention. But now that I think back about it, 99% of the communication from her was about her stuff, her self created crises, her worries, her issues. How often did you ever get a call or text from your ex which was about YOU. How often did they ask you how you are doing and actually listen to what you had to say? Never, I'm guessing. It was all about them.

Yes I miss the attention and I think I miss the drama a bit, in the same way as I slow down to look at a car wreck. Most couples talk about what they had for lunch, with a BPD it's like watching a soap opera or reality TV and you know how addictive they can be!

They train us like dogs with this stuff.

Many of us also went along with it, liking the attention, feeling needed, and so on. It became one of the layers of our 'addiction'. Some of what is being gone through now is the silence of withdrawal. While freeing ourselves.

[drummerboy]

Totally agree with your post heel, I'm reminded of a lyric from a Kate Bush song to describe us after the BPD relationship

"Just put your feet down, because you're all grown up now"

She programmed me to need it and without it I'm lost... .

As with any other addiction, and remember we were willing volunteers.  A borderline will do what they do, and after we get off the roller coaster the growth comes in digging to see why we were susceptible to the 'manipulation', if you want to call it that.  How are we wired in such a way that made an attachment with a borderline first possible, and then why did we get in so deep in the face of obvious bullsht?  And instead of making ourselves 'wrong' or trying to uncover deep seated childhood trauma, which may be there for some, legitimately, maybe we just needed to kill some naivety, grow up, and pick better partners.  Which applies?

[going places]

The silence is so eerie... .The phone never rings, no text message alerts. I think that's the part I really hate. She had me trained... .texted and called excessively throughout the day and god forbid if I didn't answer. So I grew to like the attention. She needed me, she missed me, she loved me... .all of the sweet messages. in the beginning it was overwhelming, when it became less frequent I was on high alert... .Something is wrong. She no longer questioned me daily if she could see me. Her phone was becoming a distraction when we were together... .again. I got scared... .the cycle was coming around once again. And so after the first two rages... .this time... .I said no more... .I ended it. And now all I have is complete silence. She programmed me to need it and without it I'm lost... .

For me?

I *ALLOWED* myself to be manipulated because I ultimately wanted to feel secure and loved.

Once I figured out what *I* needed/wanted then I knew why I allowed myself to be duped.

Now?

I still would love to feel secure, loved, etc... .

But never again will I allow someone to dupe me.

No way.

Think of the phone as a 'habit'.

When you are kicking a habit, it's hard, uncomfortable, etc... .

But once you kick it... .you feel SO much better.

Just don't go back to it.

(meaning do not allow the phone to own you in your next relationship)