Want to stay but dont know where to turn

[new2pain]

Hi,

I have been posting since around christmas.

At that point I had been in a 1 1/2 year relationship with gf. As with most everyone here things moved very fast and the    were present but I had no clue what they all meant at the time. We had know each other for about 4 years prior to dating, she actually worked for me, but while she did our relationship was 100% professional. She was in a troubled marriage, basically her relationship had turned into a roomate situation. She then went to work for another agency next to mine and we had occasional contact but mostly just small talk.

After her being with the other agency for about a year, she asked me out for a beer, I being naieve thought it was just a beer. We did have sex that night and things took off fast. Constant texting, seeing each other every day.

Soon into the relationship she would tell me that I was the only decision that she was sure about, that she loved me and wanted to have a life with me, babies the whole deal. As things progressed I would get the "Im toxic, you deserve better than me" speach but there was never any rage and normally within a few hours things were back to normal.  This went on for most of the relationship. 

During the first 6 months or so our "relationship" was a secret, according to her it was because of us working so close. During this time she really compartmentalized things, she had a seperate group of friends, and we had "our" group of friends.

We took trips together, went a visited my extended family out of state. and just trips to get away. She had an excellent relationship with my adult daughters/grandson and said that when she wanted me they were all part of it.

During this time she insisted on girls nights out, this bothered me not because she was going out but I did not trust the girls she was going out with and they did not know about our relationship.

After months of talking about her finalizing her divorce, and us moving in together, we started looking at houses. at this time we each had our own homes, she was no longer living with her husband. We picked out a home together, I bought it in my name only, thank god. But she picked out all the furniture and decorated and started staying there most of the time.

At the end of August she was out with the girls, and I later found out that she had texted a guy she worked with where she was going to be and he just happened to be at the same place. Well that was the begining of my replacement. She lied (I know hard to believe)and said he was just a friend from work and nothing was going on. Around the end of september I caught her texting him, she swore it was only stupid flirting and she was very sorry and would stop it... .She wanted to be with me.

Hindsight, everytime we got to a point in our relationship, where a normal relationship was taking the next step forward she would start to push and need space, I thought this was kind of normal because of her marriage issues.

Fast forward to Christmas... .I again caught her texting the same guy, and when she fell asleep I called him, she had told him that we had broken up and they were planning a trip out of state the next day for 3 days, Im not sure how she was planning on doing this because we were supposed to be spending the week together.

Well she spent xmas with me and my family acting like nothing was wrong infront of them. She told me that that night she did not feel like she could be in a relationship because of her issues and that "he" was just fun and there was no relationship with him... Dont think he would agree. The day she got back I was out and she came to house and took cards that I had given her, since then we have been talking, she would come to house, call, text etc... .saying that she would want to be with me if she was normal, but refusing to stop seeing this guy "she wasnt having a relationship with" I told her if she wasnt going to stop seeing him she needed to get her stuff out of my house, which she did but ragged that I was kicking her out. We had nc for a few days then she started calling again. we saw each other a few times and she had strated seeing a T.

Last Sunday we had a long discussion about what we both wanted and agreed to see a couples T and if the T thought we could salvage things we would try. We had both seen this T before since thinking gf may have BPD.And I have been seeing her since. T told us that if we both continued to work on us, and if we wanted she thought things could work, she went so far as to tell gf that if she wanted to improve I was the right guy for her to be with.  Since then she has refused to see me. We have talked on phone and texted. On valentines day we talked on phone and she basically went off on me, because I was pushing her, I dont think that I was and have been trying to use communication skills I have learned here and reading every book I can find.  Later that night she text a couple times and I responded, they were nothing about our relationship, just more like small talk.

I have not heard from her since saturday night, I sent one text sunday morning, with no response so I have not attempted again.

I still love her, I know it seems totally crazy but I still want to work on this. I have a session with T schedule tomorrow and dont know if I should ask her to come, or just have nc and see if and when she contacts me, the longest she has gone nc is 4 days but I really dont know what to do.  The whole nc thing confuses me, I see it as very important when not wanting to continue rs but it also see how some have used it while trying to save rs?

I am sorry this is so long, but I just dont know what to do... I would appreciate anything anyone would be willing to share.

Thank you

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ColdEthyl]

Hello 

I am very sorry you are experiencing this. You are not crazy at all for wanting to work on your r/s. Often times, pwBPD do a push/pull with people because they are scared or afraid. I think going to T is a great idea!

pwBPD can sometimes do silent treatment. Is this the first time she has done that with you?

[BestVersionOfMe]

Hi,

I have been posting since around christmas.

At that point I had been in a 1 1/2 year relationship with gf. As with most everyone here things moved very fast and the    were present but I had no clue what they all meant at the time. We had know each other for about 4 years prior to dating, she actually worked for me, but while she did our relationship was 100% professional. She was in a troubled marriage, basically her relationship had turned into a roomate situation. She then went to work for another agency next to mine and we had occasional contact but mostly just small talk.

After her being with the other agency for about a year, she asked me out for a beer, I being naieve thought it was just a beer. We did have sex that night and things took off fast. Constant texting, seeing each other every day.

Soon into the relationship she would tell me that I was the only decision that she was sure about, that she loved me and wanted to have a life with me, babies the whole deal. As things progressed I would get the "Im toxic, you deserve better than me" speach but there was never any rage and normally within a few hours things were back to normal.  This went on for most of the relationship. 

During the first 6 months or so our "relationship" was a secret, according to her it was because of us working so close. During this time she really compartmentalized things, she had a seperate group of friends, and we had "our" group of friends.

We took trips together, went a visited my extended family out of state. and just trips to get away. She had an excellent relationship with my adult daughters/grandson and said that when she wanted me they were all part of it.

During this time she insisted on girls nights out, this bothered me not because she was going out but I did not trust the girls she was going out with and they did not know about our relationship.

After months of talking about her finalizing her divorce, and us moving in together, we started looking at houses. at this time we each had our own homes, she was no longer living with her husband. We picked out a home together, I bought it in my name only, thank god. But she picked out all the furniture and decorated and started staying there most of the time.

At the end of August she was out with the girls, and I later found out that she had texted a guy she worked with where she was going to be and he just happened to be at the same place. Well that was the begining of my replacement. She lied (I know hard to believe)and said he was just a friend from work and nothing was going on. Around the end of september I caught her texting him, she swore it was only stupid flirting and she was very sorry and would stop it... .She wanted to be with me.

Hindsight, everytime we got to a point in our relationship, where a normal relationship was taking the next step forward she would start to push and need space, I thought this was kind of normal because of her marriage issues.

Fast forward to Christmas... .I again caught her texting the same guy, and when she fell asleep I called him, she had told him that we had broken up and they were planning a trip out of state the next day for 3 days, Im not sure how she was planning on doing this because we were supposed to be spending the week together.

Well she spent xmas with me and my family acting like nothing was wrong infront of them. She told me that that night she did not feel like she could be in a relationship because of her issues and that "he" was just fun and there was no relationship with him... Dont think he would agree. The day she got back I was out and she came to house and took cards that I had given her, since then we have been talking, she would come to house, call, text etc... .saying that she would want to be with me if she was normal, but refusing to stop seeing this guy "she wasnt having a relationship with" I told her if she wasnt going to stop seeing him she needed to get her stuff out of my house, which she did but ragged that I was kicking her out. We had nc for a few days then she started calling again. we saw each other a few times and she had strated seeing a T.

Last Sunday we had a long discussion about what we both wanted and agreed to see a couples T and if the T thought we could salvage things we would try. We had both seen this T before since thinking gf may have BPD.And I have been seeing her since. T told us that if we both continued to work on us, and if we wanted she thought things could work, she went so far as to tell gf that if she wanted to improve I was the right guy for her to be with.  Since then she has refused to see me. We have talked on phone and texted. On valentines day we talked on phone and she basically went off on me, because I was pushing her, I dont think that I was and have been trying to use communication skills I have learned here and reading every book I can find.  Later that night she text a couple times and I responded, they were nothing about our relationship, just more like small talk.

I have not heard from her since saturday night, I sent one text sunday morning, with no response so I have not attempted again.

I still love her, I know it seems totally crazy but I still want to work on this. I have a session with T schedule tomorrow and dont know if I should ask her to come, or just have nc and see if and when she contacts me, the longest she has gone nc is 4 days but I really dont know what to do.  The whole nc thing confuses me, I see it as very important when not wanting to continue rs but it also see how some have used it while trying to save rs?

I am sorry this is so long, but I just dont know what to do... I would appreciate anything anyone would be willing to share.

Thank you

Wow, I'm so sorry with what you have to go through with this mess.  You must have numerous feelings going on at the moment.  I guess the NC is at the core of what is bothering you and you might possibly be worrying about her and that other guy?  I think it is perfectly normal to have those feelings.  Feelings won't kill you, just try to accept them.  I do think it is important for you to remember that you can no control over her and what she does.  You only have control over you and how you react to the situation.  It sounds like you care for her, but it takes two to be in a relationship.  You might read about the "distancer - pursuer" relationship and see if perhaps you are chasing a bit too much and that scared her off?

[new2pain]

ColdEthyl, Bestversionofme

Thank you for your reply.  The silent treatment seems to be her favorite way to handle things, and this is the most painful part.  It normally does not last this long and it is really driving me nuts. I am pretty sure she is scared, as she as confided many things in me sa as a child, self harming, drinking to cope from desire to self harm, and fear of abandonment. She says she is scared to be in a relationship because she says she has so many scars and is toxic. It seems like whenever we get closer she pushes harder. I think that when the T told her I was the right guy to be with it scared her and instead of having to deal with that it is causing her to push, by first refusing to address things and now with the silent treatment.  This is whats so confusing because even with the T she says that being with my replacement is not a relationship, and its easy because there is no expectation of a relationship with him... I have talked to him, he says he has feelings for her... .I had dinner with her a few days prior to T and with her sexually the day before T, I am sure he has no idea.  I want to call and tell him but I dont want it to blow up in my face.  We had talked that other time and I told him I loved her and was not going away. For now I am just trying to figure out if I should just ask her to go to T tomorrow or not contact her. 

I know it takes two of us to make this work and when we actually have a reasonable conversation she says that that is what she wants, but then I think she overthinks it and gets scared and just relies on him because she says she has no attachment to him.  I am trying hard not to chase her, it just becomes even more confusing when she tells me she wants to be with me to find the balance between not chasing and validating her concerns. I am trying to control my feelings and although I love her I know it takes both of us.

[MaroonLiquid]

I know it takes two of us to make this work and when we actually have a reasonable conversation she says that that is what she wants... .

My wife says and has said the same thing.  I believe the part of them that doesn't want to be this way means it.  I also believe they don't know how to be any other way and that is the only way they know how to cope.  Therefore, to the pwBPD, the devil they know is better than the devil they don't... .

I am trying hard not to chase her, it just becomes even more confusing when she tells me she wants to be with me to find the balance between not chasing and validating her concerns. I am trying to control my feelings and although I love her I know it takes both of us.

Been there, done that, have the T-Shirt, the shot glass and whatever souvenir you can buy.  You are right though, it does take both of you.  I have now just gotten to a place in the separation with my wife that we are on common ground.  She no longer has "control".  She hates that fact, so I'm getting "punished for it" and the silent treatment. 

[new2pain]

MaroonLiquid,

yea, my souveniers include a house, furniture and all kinds of daily reminders.

I hate to let the devil win.

It would be so much easier if I didnt believe she meant it, I know she is not happy and very conflicted and deep down wants to change, I have tried to imagine how scary it is for her to face all these demons.

How do you respond to the silent treatment?

[BestVersionOfMe]

MaroonLiquid,

yea, my souveniers include a house, furniture and all kinds of daily reminders.

I hate to let the devil win.

It would be so much easier if I didnt believe she meant it, I know she is not happy and very conflicted and deep down wants to change, I have tried to imagine how scary it is for her to face all these demons.

How do you respond to the silent treatment?

You don't control her so there is nothing you can do other than choose not to react to it and focus on being a happy self contained unit.  Your feelings are just feelings, they won't kill you.  Keep reminding yourself of that.

[MaroonLiquid]

MaroonLiquid,

yea, my souveniers include a house, furniture and all kinds of daily reminders.

I hate to let the devil win.

It would be so much easier if I didnt believe she meant it, I know she is not happy and very conflicted and deep down wants to change, I have tried to imagine how scary it is for her to face all these demons.

How do you respond to the silent treatment?

It takes a while to where it doesn't bother you "as much".  It always affected me through our marriage, it really affected me during the first part of our separation, but now, I have learned that it isn't about me.  I do still miss her, but I choose to not let it affect me like it did anymore.

[new2pain]

Hi,

Well the st lasted two days, I waited without trying to contact her. On day 3 I sent a feeler text and she responded, just small talk nothing about rs but I applied for a new position and have a 3 hour interview scheduled tomorrow, she called tonight and asked me about it, wished me luck and told me how nervous she will be while im in interview.  Guess for now Im out of black, but not quite white as far as rs goes... .Just love navigating through the mind field of what will and wont trip her off

[new2pain]

Started day off with good luck text and she called to wish me good luck while I was driving to interview, she then called me while she was on her way home. After interview I went back to my office and had a mtg at 7, I had dinner in between and she sent weird text wanting to know who I was eating with... .We were texting during my mtg, got home a little after ten and around 11 she asks if i had watched a show on tv, I said no but it should be recorded because all her shows were still set to record... .She then asks if I was still out, I said ive been home since mtg ended, she then accuses me of being out with with one of the secretaries from work, she had accused me trying to hide that i had gone to lunch with her over a year ago. This is someone I have known for 18 years and has been in a rs with a friend for 15 years and soo not my type but trying to please gf I have not gone to lunch with her for over a year.

She then tells me never f/\-ing mind, that she thought the show related to us... .night!

Really this is the woman who left me on christmas day with my replacement , angry because she thinks I went to dinner with someone and that I couldnt read her mind and know I should have watched a tv show because she felt it related to us.

Is it even possible to respond to this in a validating way?

Oh less than 3 hours before the anger she was so happy for me since I got unofficial call that I aced the interview.

[ColdEthyl]

Started day off with good luck text and she called to wish me good luck while I was driving to interview, she then called me while she was on her way home. After interview I went back to my office and had a mtg at 7, I had dinner in between and she sent weird text wanting to know who I was eating with... .We were texting during my mtg, got home a little after ten and around 11 she asks if i had watched a show on tv, I said no but it should be recorded because all her shows were still set to record... .She then asks if I was still out, I said ive been home since mtg ended, she then accuses me of being out with with one of the secretaries from work, she had accused me trying to hide that i had gone to lunch with her over a year ago. This is someone I have known for 18 years and has been in a rs with a friend for 15 years and soo not my type but trying to please gf I have not gone to lunch with her for over a year.

She then tells me never f/\-ing mind, that she thought the show related to us... .night!

Really this is the woman who left me on christmas day with my replacement , angry because she thinks I went to dinner with someone and that I couldnt read her mind and know I should have watched a tv show because she felt it related to us.

Is it even possible to respond to this in a validating way?

Oh less than 3 hours before the anger she was so happy for me since I got unofficial call that I aced the interview.

Yep... .typical BPDland.

What did you say when she accused you? You can't validate something that isn't true, but you can validate how she feels about it.

"I know it must suck to feel like I'm doing X, but I did come home after my meeting, and I have not had lunch with X" is pretty much all you can say.

[new2pain]

I just focused on the part about the tv show.

As usual with her that discussion was no longer important to her and she had lc with me during the wknd. Spoke briefly on the phone sunday night, that I felt like she was trying to punish me with st. She said she wasnt trying to punish me but kept the convo very short. Later that night texting joking around. I had asked her if she would go back to T this week with me and I thought it would be good if we just had seeious convos there, and just tried to see each other and just try to have fun outside of T.  She said she had appt with T today and she would see how she felt about our coupl T after that.

This is all so frustrating, its like talking to a different woman one minute to the next... .cant help but loving them both.

The swings are coming faster and faster.

[new2pain]

Well, I just got the "I really dont feel like going tomorrow... ... .sorry" text.

I dont know how to feel anymore. She agreed to go, T said things were not so far off and that she thought we could be a couple, told her if she wanted to work on herself I was the right guy. And now all I get is very limited contact. She refuses to go back to T, Had one good day and then total deregulation over what seems like jealousy and my inability to read her mind.

If she doesn't care, why would she have gone, why would she get mad about the tv show? Why does she make up reasons to see me and then back out? Is it all control?

I know it takes both of us, and I need to work on me and im trying, back in gym every day,restarting my masters classes tonight.Im gonna go to T alone tomorrow ... .But I called in sick today, just couldn't get motivated to face the world

[MaroonLiquid]

Well, I just got the "I really dont feel like going tomorrow... ... .sorry" text.

I dont know how to feel anymore. She agreed to go, T said things were not so far off and that she thought we could be a couple, told her if she wanted to work on herself I was the right guy. And now all I get is very limited contact.

Welcome to BPD land... .

Had one good day and then total deregulation over what seems like jealousy and my inability to read her mind.

Again, welcome to BPD land... .Ask yourself, how are we supposed to read their mind when it changes moment to moment?

If she doesn't care, why would she have gone, why would she get mad about the tv show? Why does she make up reasons to see me and then back out? Is it all control?

I know it takes both of us, and I need to work on me and im trying, back in gym every day,restarting my masters classes tonight.Im gonna go to T alone tomorrow ... .But I called in sick today, just couldn't get motivated to face the world

I have been here, and just a few weeks ago and have been separated 8 months... .Sometimes I will go there if I let myself.  I can't anymore... .It isn't healthy... .BUT... .

Her emotions are very erratic and feelings are EVERYTHING to them... .If they aren't feeling love in that moment, then they don't love you... .If they are, then they are.  She loves me, she loves me not... .  Is it control?  I think a ton of it is because they are out of control emotionally.  Does she want to see you?  Probably.  Then the shame, and all those other self-depricating emotions come up and it's easier to stay at arms length and avoid.  All you can do is focus on you... .I am at a point now where I have limited my contact to only talking to her if she contacts me.  It's her turn to actually show that she cares about me.  I'm done chasing her.  If she doesn't, well then, I won't be here much longer and it will be her loss.  I don't have to tell her that, that is my choice... .

[new2pain]

I understand and try not to come across as chasing, but i guess in her mind I am.

Im trying to walk that line between seeming like im chasing and letting her know im here, part of me wants her to know I wont always be here but at the same time it scares the hell out of me to be out of sight out of mind.

My mind keeps saying let her contact me, but my heart gets in the way and just ask how she is doing, let her know when im thinking about her... .Which I dont always do, because it is always... .Sounds pathetic just to read it

[MaroonLiquid]

I understand and try not to come across as chasing, but i guess in her mind I am.

I think they see it as any other woman does, and probably moreso because of the BPD... .It shows weakness... .They need to see strength... .They need to know we don't need them... .They need us... .

Im trying to walk that line between seeming like im chasing and letting her know im here, part of me wants her to know I wont always be here but at the same time it scares the hell out of me to be out of sight out of mind.  

I used to feel the same way (fear of losing her), and now what I realize, if they want to see you, they will... .The phone works both ways.  I've come to the conclusion that they like mind games and want to keep us in it... .I choose to focus on spending time with the kids rather than being rejected consistently by my wife... .If she chooses to be a part, then great, if not, her loss... .

My mind keeps saying let her contact me, but my heart gets in the way and just ask how she is doing, let her know when im thinking about her... .Which I dont always do, because it is always... .Sounds pathetic just to read it

I would love to tell you that that goes away, but it doesn't... .You have to learn to manage it and you can... .It is FEAR... .When that feeling comes up, do something else immediately and divert your attention.  

[new2pain]

Yes, Im sure the person I appear to be today is a lot weaker than who I was when rs started... .Im working on getting back to who I was, atleast trying to appear so for now.

Realizing in her eyes it seems like I have already lost her, so I think trying to keep working on me and hoping she will see what she is loosing and contact me... .

She is still what I want

[new2pain]

Went to T alone today, and told her about what has gone on for the last week. She said actions on her part sure seem like jealousy and rage. That the replacement is filling tge need of a distraction from her true feelings, and that she believes he is just that a distraction. I asked her about going nc and she said she did not believe that would cause her to dissapere but probably cause her to try and be all lovey.

Guess nc on my terms better than on hers

[MaroonLiquid]

Yes, Im sure the person I appear to be today is a lot weaker than who I was when rs started... .Im working on getting back to who I was, atleast trying to appear so for now.

Realizing in her eyes it seems like I have already lost her, so I think trying to keep working on me and hoping she will see what she is loosing and contact me... .

She is still what I want

Then all you can do is work on yourself, making sure you do it for YOU whether she comes back or not... .

Went to T alone today, and told her about what has gone on for the last week. She said actions on her part sure seem like jealousy and rage. That the replacement is filling tge need of a distraction from her true feelings, and that she believes he is just that a distraction. I asked her about going nc and she said she did not believe that would cause her to dissapere but probably cause her to try and be all lovey.

Guess nc on my terms better than on hers

You want healthy contact with her... .I am in a place where that is what I need and have pulled back because of it.  Being enmeshed in her drama, anger and blame is no good for either of us... .And it keeps me in knots... . 

[new2pain]

This is third day of no contact  It has never gone more than four days.

I am really begining to doubt my decision to not contact her, Im trying to understand the concept of push pull, but it is so hard to get my head wrapped around not telling someone you love that you love them... .

Guess I am having a lot of self doubt right now.  How can someone who said they love you, want to spend there life with you, have babies with you, get well to be with you because she acknowledges she thinks she is BPD, start seeing a T, and still act like I never existed from one day to the next. 

Feeling like me not contacting her feeds into her fear of abandonment and sabatoging the relationship to complete her selffufilling prophecy.

[MaroonLiquid]

This is third day of no contact  It has never gone more than four days.

I am really begining to doubt my decision to not contact her, Im trying to understand the concept of push pull, but it is so hard to get my head wrapped around not telling someone you love that you love them... .

Guess I am having a lot of self doubt right now.  How can someone who said they love you, want to spend there life with you, have babies with you, get well to be with you because she acknowledges she thinks she is BPD, start seeing a T, and still act like I never existed from one day to the next. 

Feeling like me not contacting her feeds into her fear of abandonment and sabatoging the relationship to complete her selffufilling prophecy.

I am struggling today too.  I am wanting to break my "no chasing" thing.  I want to throw up too... .It is fear.  Your last statement is very true about BPD.  They engineer and manufacture things to continue their own victimhood and stay embroiled in it.  My wife would rather have an intimateless relationship with her Facebook friends to keep up her deceptive "image" than get counseling with her husband and try to have a fulfilling life (I hate even typing this because it is hard to read).  I'm not saying my wife won't ever want that again, but right now, she isn't wanting to change anything.  It would mean she would have to look at herself... .

[new2pain]

MaroonLiquid,

I am sorry to hear you are struggling today. Dont know what it is just couldnt sleep and started my day feeling this way.

It's so amazing to me how similar BPD behaviour can be.  Mine wants me to tell people that we both know that right now our relationship is "complicated" and more like were taking a break, I know this is because she is so worried about what people would think if they knew she had a new supply.  She told me a week or so ago she was telling her parents about my new job opportunity, and how excited they were for me. Im sure they have no clue as to what she is doing.

I think I said it before, I think although Ive accepted the BPD thing and the way it causes her to be, the hard part for me is figuring out the difference between "chasing" her, and just asking her to have lunch.

I hope your day gets better

[MaroonLiquid]

MaroonLiquid,

I am sorry to hear you are struggling today. Dont know what it is just couldnt sleep and started my day feeling this way.

It's so amazing to me how similar BPD behaviour can be.  Mine wants me to tell people that we both know that right now our relationship is "complicated" and more like were taking a break, I know this is because she is so worried about what people would think if they knew she had a new supply.  She told me a week or so ago she was telling her parents about my new job opportunity, and how excited they were for me. Im sure they have no clue as to what she is doing.

I think I said it before, I think although Ive accepted the BPD thing and the way it causes her to be, the hard part for me is figuring out the difference between "chasing" her, and just asking her to have lunch.

I hope your day gets better

Thank you.  That is the hard part for me to.  But I came to the realization that I have made all the effort to see her and spend time with her, and it just enables her to not have to make any effort.

[new2pain]

Maroon,

I have been reading your thread, are you gonna hang tuff or reach out to her?

I wish I had more faith in my magic 8 ball, unfortunatly its been about as reliable as she is.

[MaroonLiquid]

Maroon,

I have been reading your thread, are you gonna hang tuff or reach out to her?

I wish I had more faith in my magic 8 ball, unfortunatly its been about as reliable as she is.

I don't know.  We see each other at softball (practice tonight), and I'm thinking that is "enough" for her at this moment.

[new2pain]

Thats got to be rough seeing her like that, Im sure there is so much you want to say.  And if she is anything like mine she is a totally different person in a setting like that.

Mine would put on a good friendly show, but refuse to have any type of real convo, because she would tell me "Im not gonna have this discussion with you now, because I dont want to fight with you... ."

In my head Im like... .Im jumping out of my a@@ to save this relationship, why would I start a fight.  I wish I could go back in time and "deal" with the uncle that abused her, Thats the fight I want!

[MaroonLiquid]

Thats got to be rough seeing her like that, Im sure there is so much you want to say.  And if she is anything like mine she is a totally different person in a setting like that.

Mine would put on a good friendly show, but refuse to have any type of real convo, because she would tell me "Im not gonna have this discussion with you now, because I dont want to fight with you... ."

In my head Im like... .Im jumping out of my a@@ to save this relationship, why would I start a fight.  I wish I could go back in time and "deal" with the uncle that abused her, Thats the fight I want!

Are they related?   . My wife is a genius at putting on a show.  And yes, there is so much I want to say.  My wife says the same thing about "not wanting to fight with you".  I think that keeps them from dealing with the emotion of things.  It's avoidance and keeps them from looking inward.

[new2pain]

Yes, I think thats the root of the nc coming from her, she has heard from T its doable, she has acknowledged what she needs to do, but doesn' t seem able to face it, so it is all about avoidance.  The last time we actually talked, she told me when saw me it always turned into a fight... .I had to remind her the last time I saw her was less than a week before this conversation and was when she came to my office, we had sex and went to lunch, and there was no fight... .But I guess she had to avoid even remembering that, and im sure new supply has no idea she even came to see me nevermind what we did... .