Prepare an escape plan

[SlyQQ]

One thing i see time an time again on these boards are people in shock at how they have /are being treated by there ex partner. Break ups with BPDs can be very nasty.

I think everyone should prepare an escape plan even if you intend to stay if they leave it is no reason to think it wont be just as nasty.

Also when it happens you will likely be in shock an unable to function like a lawyer you can trust an some advice limit your financial exposure get a letter attesting you good character signed an dated from your partner etc etc if some one has a kit or list if they post it it may help a lot of people a stitch in time saves major surgery.

[Restored2]

Unfortunately, I have learned an extremely difficult lesson.  The first mistake is to underestimate a person with BPD.  They are capable of almost anything nasty!

[Michelle27]

I agree.  My husband and I are on our last "try".  I have made it clear that for me to stay, I need to see him actively pursuing psychiatric care and DBT.  He claims he wants to badly, but months have gone by with very little action on his part.  In the past, I would have (and did) make appointments for him (that he would cancel or derail) but no more.  He knows I have a limited window of time before I will have to assume he doesn't want to get better and will end things.  He has commented how he would take me for everything.  I make more money than him but where we live, spousal support is rare but he said he would try.  That threat just about made me end it before my stated window of time.  And I DO expect him to try to get it.  When we've discussed ending the marriage, he has waved his hand around the house and said, "what about all we have built together?".  I finally looked him in the eye and said, "for me, being emotionally safe is worth losing 'stuff' over".  And I mean it.  I'd be happier in a smaller home, with less "stuff" knowing every day when I come home, I will be emotionally safe.  That's so depressing, but true.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Michelle 27,  Sounds like you and I are in the same place.  My H didn't go to our first MC session and after attending two sessions quit.  He thought

The counselor was partial to me. 

I agree, being emotionally safe is worth more than

trading your peace mind for material things

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   <--- click to download pdf

[ogopogodude]

I like the title of this thread.  I wish I would have prepared a little more for my escape plan.  Actually, I did pretty good in retrospect.

The one thing that I am soo glad that I did was to video tape non-sense behaviour and rages/temper tantrums of my ex.

At the time, I was video taping in order to try to find out what the h*** was wrong with her, ... .I would take the clips of her rages into the doctor as well as my therapist and they did a "diagnosis in absentia". 

One of the best things I could have done was to take the clips to my ex's doctor (I made an appointment as a "guest patient" to have a talk about my marriage and the shenanigans that was occurring).  A doctor is "obligated to take in collateral information" ... .so your ex's physician actually cannot refuse to see you.

Because a BPD person can at times, seem quite believable, their credibility goes SOUTH when the clips are seen by health care professionals. And your credibility goes noting but northwards.

[ogopogodude]

It sounds unusual but having video clips as evidence is awesome.  I can at anytime, if I wanted to  (but I don't, ... .because I don't want to elicit another adult rage/temper tantrum) say to my ex:

  "Twenty years from now I am going to show our children how you acted and show them the awful things that you uttered in front of them. Everybody is responsible for their own behaviour and such, ... so do you think that you acted appropriately in those videos?"

  ... .and thus,potentially use this as bargaining/blackmail tool.  It is quite good in that, for me anyway, it has reduced rages to almost zero occurrences now.  Could you imagine how it must feel for the BPD-afflicted person to know that there are videos in existence that are soo damaging and there is the potential of them being seen on youtube... .(but this would never happen as I am not that type of person).


--The above comments are just my inside voice--

[enlighten me]

There is a lot of useful information throughout these boards. Having a concise list of it is an excellent idea.

Sourcing a lawyer who has dealt with high confict break ups and has a knowledge of mental health is a priority.

If possible a hidden bank account so you can stash away a deposit and rent if possible.

Get all important documents together and safe. Pension, mortgage, car documents, medical, bank details etc.

Write an action plan if it happens.

1 change passwords

2 transfer your share of money from joint account.

3 Dont contact them verbally. If you stick to text or email then you cannot be accused of harrasment.

Just a few that spring to mind

Get the phone number of your local police station just in case.

All I can think of for now.

[rj47]

My BPDw wife has made up incredibly despicable lies about me for many years. Until about 18-months ago the stories would have connection to an event or experience, but would become so twisted over time that they became outright lies.

She stepped over the line one night while on a weekend trip for a family funeral. I had triggered an episode earlier after she saw me casually speaking to two women at a club we were at. I sat in a hotel room with her screaming at me while I pleaded for her to stop or quiet down. After hotel staff came to the door a second time warning that we would be evicted, she left the room, took the lift to the ground floor, sat outside and texted a male friend (that I later found out she was in an affair with) and a girlfriend that I had beaten her and smashed her head into a brick wall. She stupidly attached a head shot photo from a car accident we were in 5-months earlier. They were date stamped in the "properties" section! I was devastated and walked the streets until dawn crying. She apologized, we made up and tried to get through the next evening going to a nice dinner where she asked a server to take a photo of us. The same night she uploaded the photo to Facebook and posted that we were having a wonderful trip together. The next morning when getting ready to go the funeral she sat in the bathroom and texted the boyfriend that I had choked, raped and forced her to post a photo about out wonderful weekend.

Her explanation? She was terribly hurt by my actions and wanted someone to feel sorry for her. Its been 18-months and I'm still terrified of what she's capable of. She says it would never happen again and wonders why ts a problem as I will never see the people she messaged. Some behavior and lies can never be covered over. I will never get over it.

My exit plan has included many hours of her recorded rants and verbal abuse, physical attacks on me, and, most importantly; her explanations for and acknowledgment that she made up terrible lies. I can't use them for anything but the people and relationships in my life that she will attempt to destroy.

A simple cellphone is a useful tool.

[Panda39]

This comes from another thread I was part of a while back. I thought it was a good list for this thread.

Hope you find it helpful.

SES, welcome to the board.  I am sorry to hear that you are going through this difficult time, however have faith that where you come out on the other side is so much better than what you have been living in the past few years.  It sounds like you are approaching it from a pretty logical and level line of thought.  As Panda already suggested,  I would really encourage you to visit the law board, where we have many veterans of breakups with pwBPD who might better help you prepare for what lies ahead.  In the meantime I am posting a copy of my little list, which was cobbled together with suggestions from other on this board as well as couple other forums.  I would encourage you to read it and least be open to considering acting on some of the suggestions.

1) Get a therapist for yourself.  Not a marriage counselor, but someone whose job is to help you get your head on straight in this incredibly stressful time. 

2) Get an experienced divorce/family law attorney.  This is also not a job for new attorney. If you interview an attorney and he or she says they always settle and you will not need to go to court, that is not the attorney for you.

3) Be prepared for the false restraining order.  This is a very common reaction from the BPD playbook. 

4) Get a digital audio recorder or two.  You should never be around your stbx without a recorder running. 

5) Don’t be afraid to tell family and friends.  Too often we try to hide what is happening in our relationship from a sense of embarrassment, pride or fear.   

6) Have an emergency escape plan.  This often dovetails with beginning to reach out to family and friends.   In many states if there is a domestic violence complaint, one of the parties is leaving the house for the night.  Even if you are innocent it could be you. 

7) Videotape the house.  There is a very real possibility that your stbx will lock you out/ destroy things/ sell things, etc

8) Document, document, document - If you have kids, you are likely their best connection both to reality and stability in the chaos of the BPD.  Once of the best tools at your disposal costs nothing but a bit of your time.  A simple journal of what you do for your kids each day.  If you can add pictures and mementos, even better. 

9) Don’t take legal advice from your stbx.  You may find yourself at the end of a stream of threats from your stbx about what the courts are going to do when they report all your transgressions.   Tune it out. 

10) Don’t expect the process to be cheap or fast.  Remember that pwBPD usually feel very entitled and in fact if you quiz them they often have a very distorted sense of what it really costs to live. 

11) Take action to separate your finances.  Redirect your pay into an account into which only you have access.  Cut off joint credit cards.  This does not mean stop paying the bills, it simply means you control how they are paid.

12) Avoid face to face or telephone communications whenever possible.  pwBPD live for the conflict of these and you have no documentation of what was said.  Email is always preferable.

13) Practice radio silence.  You communicate only about what issues are essential to get through the day, such as kid’s schedules, etc.  Your job is not to look out for your stbx.  Preferably via email.

14) Make copies of all important documents you may need and store them in a secure off-site location.

15) Do not expect a neutral playing field when dealing with custody evaluators, guardian at litem, friend of the court, etc.  Do not get drawn into bashing your stbx.  The goal is to show how involved you are with your kids. 

16) Don’t be in hurry, especially with a high functioning BPD.  Time provides a chance for you to document your pwBPD unstable behaviors, which they might hide over a short term.  The goal is not to have them diagnosed, but simply to show patterns of behavior.

Best of luck and come back and visit some more, we are happy to hle.

[hurting300]

Yet 90 percent of the time the BPD partner leaves first.

[Restored2]

hurting300: Very interesting stats you present.  Are these accurate numbers?

[hurting300]

hurting300: Very interesting stats you present.  Are these accurate numbers?

the polls here indicate it. That's why it's called "discard"... .I mean, my ex disappeared and apparently had an escape plan. I'm not an abuser... .They normally always leave you first.