LDR cut off just as it looked like we could get together in person again.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey,

I've been going over and over this scenario for the last week or so and would love some help in working out my next move, what I truly feel about it etc.

I'm currently planning on relocating abroad, and have been for some time.  I set my online dating profile to the city I want to move to in order to just have some casual chat with people living there.  I met my partner online last June, though we'd had a conversation on the same site the previous November before they (my partner was gender neutral, but born female) deactivated, and it was so typical of borderline it's shocking.  Intense and quick rapport in which we messaged almost daily between July and November, sending photographs, building loads of injokes and creative moments, with some tentative flirting and signs of affection, before we'd send postcards to each other... . 

When we met in November when I visited for a week, it was a whirlwind of romance... .  They'd made me a custom cardigan, I'd brought them some trinkets, and we ended up having one of the best weeks of my life together.  On the last night they turned very cold and distant.  I responded by being the same back (I identify with some mild borderline behaviours, which were much more extreme in the past) and turning my back on them in bed on the last night, saying I needed to be awake early for my plane the next day.  They reached out by touching me which led to explosively intense sex, conversations, bonding and a really emotional farewell the next morning.  They wrote me a letter about this later, about how they saw that they were going to lose me and they were so, so happy they didn’t.

We kept in touch online.  I was visiting another nearby city before going home, and they grabbed a last minute bus to spend a couple days with me.  I kissed them at the bus terminal and was on cloud 9.  I was totally in love and so were they.

Things were great afterwards.  It got to them asking me to go exclusive, which I was more than happy to agree to.  We’d send letters, do Skype dates just to be together, etc.  Things got bad when they began to have tantrums or moments of extreme depression vented directly at me, though rarely about me.  At first, I simply said I wouldn’t engage when they were mean to me, but over time this chipped away.  We’d be good for a few days or a week and then they’d mention suicidal thoughts or hating themselves or they’d do drugs again and I’d be understanding but probably too nice, and we’d fight.  Then they’d apologise and tell me they loved me.  They made me a custom Christmas gift but never got round to mailing it due to how expensive it was.  I didn’t quite notice I was losing them.

This finally led to them telling me they found me unattractive and wanted to open the relationship during a tantrum, and I got angry and hung up the call.  This was a bad move as I think it totally solidified the rage + abandonment impulse.  Following this, we tried to negotiate things but they deleted our relationship status from Facebook and opened their dating profile again about a week later.  I was angry and demanded to know if it was a break up.  I was told no.  They told me they loved me, they were sweet but withdrawn.  They spoke only sporadically to me until they said it was indeed a break up.

They told me they disassociated from the relationship as they couldn’t feel my personality enough as I was fairly passive (I’m frustrated at not being able to move to their city yet, although more as my job I’m keeping until I go doesn’t satisfy me) and the distance was too much for them.  I asked if we could still hang out when I visit in April as we’d planned, we have concert tickets for an event we both were excited for together.  They said for sure we can, and no pressure but they are sure we’ll have fun together again.  No contact since, though it’s only been two days.

I love this person and know enough about borderline to know they’re not being malicious.  I also know potentially that they will never love me again or are incapable of doing so consistently.  However, they’re in therapy now and returning to work after being unemployed the whole time we dated.  They voiced fearing this pattern happening with me as we were a great match and I know this is them falling right back into their darker side.

Anyway, we have tickets to this concert in April.  I am moving to their city in June, most likely.  If they are open to hanging out like they said they would in April, is it a good idea for me to do so?  I understand what I’m dealing with a lot more and know it’s not going to be at all easy, and I also know that no contact/working on my own life in the interim is best, but I hear of recycles and think I’d like to at least see how things would be in person again.  They did seem to be turning a corner for a while there.  I think I plan to spend a few days (as opposed to over a week) in their city and plan it so that I’m doing cool things alone that I can invite them to but still do if they decline?  I know this is very too long; don’t read.  The lows are intense but the highs were so, so high.  And I want them to be given a second chance if they want it. 

Any words would be appreciated.

Thanks.

[tragiform]

Hey,

I've been going over and over this scenario for the last week or so and would love some help in working out my next move, what I truly feel about it etc.

I'm currently planning on relocating abroad, and have been for some time.  I set my online dating profile to the city I want to move to in order to just have some casual chat with people living there.  I met my partner online last June, though we'd had a conversation on the same site the previous November before they (my partner was gender neutral, but born female) deactivated, and it was so typical of borderline it's shocking.  Intense and quick rapport in which we messaged almost daily between July and November, sending photographs, building loads of injokes and creative moments, with some tentative flirting and signs of affection, before we'd send postcards to each other... . 

When we met in November when I visited for a week, it was a whirlwind of romance... .  They'd made me a custom cardigan, I'd brought them some trinkets, and we ended up having one of the best weeks of my life together.  On the last night they turned very cold and distant.  I responded by being the same back (I identify with some mild borderline behaviours, which were much more extreme in the past) and turning my back on them in bed on the last night, saying I needed to be awake early for my plane the next day.  They reached out by touching me which led to explosively intense sex, conversations, bonding and a really emotional farewell the next morning.  They wrote me a letter about this later, about how they saw that they were going to lose me and they were so, so happy they didn’t.

We kept in touch online.  I was visiting another nearby city before going home, and they grabbed a last minute bus to spend a couple days with me.  I kissed them at the bus terminal and was on cloud 9.  I was totally in love and so were they.

Things were great afterwards.  It got to them asking me to go exclusive, which I was more than happy to agree to.  We’d send letters, do Skype dates just to be together, etc.  Things got bad when they began to have tantrums or moments of extreme depression vented directly at me, though rarely about me.  At first, I simply said I wouldn’t engage when they were mean to me, but over time this chipped away.  We’d be good for a few days or a week and then they’d mention suicidal thoughts or hating themselves or they’d do drugs again and I’d be understanding but probably too nice, and we’d fight.  Then they’d apologise and tell me they loved me.  They made me a custom Christmas gift but never got round to mailing it due to how expensive it was.  I didn’t quite notice I was losing them.

This finally led to them telling me they found me unattractive and wanted to open the relationship during a tantrum, and I got angry and hung up the call.  This was a bad move as I think it totally solidified the rage + abandonment impulse.  Following this, we tried to negotiate things but they deleted our relationship status from Facebook and opened their dating profile again about a week later.  I was angry and demanded to know if it was a break up.  I was told no.  They told me they loved me, they were sweet but withdrawn.  They spoke only sporadically to me until they said it was indeed a break up.

They told me they disassociated from the relationship as they couldn’t feel my personality enough as I was fairly passive (I’m frustrated at not being able to move to their city yet, although more as my job I’m keeping until I go doesn’t satisfy me) and the distance was too much for them.  I asked if we could still hang out when I visit in April as we’d planned, we have concert tickets for an event we both were excited for together.  They said for sure we can, and no pressure but they are sure we’ll have fun together again.  No contact since, though it’s only been two days.

I love this person and know enough about borderline to know they’re not being malicious.  I also know potentially that they will never love me again or are incapable of doing so consistently.  However, they’re in therapy now and returning to work after being unemployed the whole time we dated.  They voiced fearing this pattern happening with me as we were a great match and I know this is them falling right back into their darker side.

Anyway, we have tickets to this concert in April.  I am moving to their city in June, most likely.  If they are open to hanging out like they said they would in April, is it a good idea for me to do so?  I understand what I’m dealing with a lot more and know it’s not going to be at all easy, and I also know that no contact/working on my own life in the interim is best, but I hear of recycles and think I’d like to at least see how things would be in person again.  They did seem to be turning a corner for a while there.  I think I plan to spend a few days (as opposed to over a week) in their city and plan it so that I’m doing cool things alone that I can invite them to but still do if they decline?  I know this is very too long; don’t read.  The lows are intense but the highs were so, so high.  And I want them to be given a second chance if they want it. 

Any words would be appreciated.

Thanks.

[Mutt]

Hi tragiform,



I'm sorry to hear for what you've gone through.

It doesn't sound like your on the outs. You met your partner with BPD traits online and your moving abroad. Did she visit you at where you live or you travelled abroad?

I'm sorry if I'm getting this wrong. You refer to your partner as they.

I love this person and know enough about borderline to know they’re not being malicious.  I also know potentially that they will never love me again or are incapable of doing so consistently.  However, they’re in therapy now and returning to work after being unemployed the whole time we dated.  They voiced fearing this pattern happening with me as we were a great match and I know this is them falling right back into their darker side.

[tragiform]

I'm moving to my ex's city in the near-ish future (4 months or so).  I visited them in late fall for a week or so.  Long distance is what was cited for them not being able to keep dating (depersonalisation of me by them, as not "feeling real" and I know they're in a bad spot right now with drug binges, self loathing and it seems like grasping for casual sex so I can imagine a relationship with someone they can't even touch got way too much, especially as our communication was breaking down in reaction to them having so much angst going on.

[JohnLove]

Hi tragiform, I feel LDR's are sometimes very hard work to maintain and I believe BPD would make an LDR almost impossible to maintain. I think many of your statements and feelings regarding your situation are pretty darn spot on. I commend you for your awareness. I completely understand the intensity of such a relationship and the explosive sex, just be careful with your heart... .don't mistake love bombing for true love. It is only a component. True love is pure and doesn't "hurt" and doesn't turn away from you. THAT is BPD. I believe you understand this relationship with a healthy degree of clarity.  Proceed with caution. 

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Tragiform, 

I would like to join Mutt and JohnLove and welcome you. I am sorry that you are going through this.    The behaviors of a person with BPD can be very confusing and frustrating. A great thing is that you have a great deal of knowledge about the BPD.  Having a lot of knowledge about the disorder really helps. Learning to "radically accept" BPD and the behavior is a step that even I have a hard time with.  That is really a great accomplishment. 

Why would you be hesitant about going to the concert with your ex?

[tragiform]

Thanks for the warm welcome, guys!

As far as the concert goes, I'm just unsure about if it's opening me up to more pain and rejection in a way where I can't really justify the odds.  I can look at it where seeing each other in person after some time apart (we've been no contact all week, which is probably the first time since... . June) will be a big exciting reunion, probably with a romantic component, and would be a lot of fun and very different to the struggles we had online.  I wouldn't even see it as an opportunity to get back together, just a way to have a killer time together and then have another fond memory.  


My ex was telling me before they broke it off that the problem was I was giving them nothing "tangible" to hold on to, and the pressure of being in a relationship which they could mess up (leading to me hating them) was too much, and they were scared I'd be out of their life for good.  So I can see it being a way of them preventing opening themselves up to my rejection?  I also think they were in an especially rough spot... . I know they'd planned to move out of their friends place as they were "paranoid her roomie hated them" not much before they really turned on me, for example.

So, I can easily see how we could reunite successfully and have a good time.  On the other hand, I wonder if I've been split black or they just won't trust me again after a breakup, meaning "I'm sure we will " when I said I had a great time dating them and hope we can have more fun in the future, along with saying they'd for sure hang out when i'm in their city, was just non-committal and polite.  Like, if they split someone else white before I go, could I be looking at being a third wheel to their new love focus?  Might they avoid me altogether?  

It's just a risk in that i'm not sure whether they love me and left due to being in a phase of misery which a long distance boyfriend who was adding pressure/a feeling of obligation towards made worse to the extent they dissociated me (this would work with what was said in the past) or if they just want me gone from their life and this was a "being nice" breakup.  They haven't messaged me all week, for example.