Sadness

[Bebe]

I have an adult daughter who is in her early 20s. She says she has borderline personality disorder. It's been difficult trying to get her to get professional help. She feels that most of the help is useless. I feel helpless and ignorant, as well as very sad.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jaxon64]

Best of luck sadness... .Are there any other mitigating factors such as a grandchild or physical disability?

If not, have you simply tried a sit down talk and to reach an "agreement". "Honey, you know how much I love you and am concerned about you and your happiness. I can't continue to enable you to let your illness go untreated. You must either agree to get some help/counseling/treatment/pastoring etc... or else I cannot watch you be so unhappy and out of control with your life and emotions. I am asking you to arrange for some way to deal with this illness you have or else you will have to leave my home. I can't stand watching your distress and unhappiness go untreated day after day and I feel as if I am contributing by making it easy for you to coast along without making an effort to address these issues. I love you very much and this breaks my heart, but you must either get help or leave."

Not knowing all of the particulars of your situation-please don't think I'm being presumptive and suggesting you use what I have written, this was only meant as a small example of how we must be tactful and reassuring to those with BPD but also we must INSIST that they do something about their behaviours/illness.

Us being sad and miserable while they continue on in their illness untreated can never be an accepted option.

[Bebe]

Her mood swings are intense at times. Her anger lashes out making discussions difficult. She appears to believe that any questions I might ask are intended to pass judgement on her. For example, when I ask if she's received any response from a therapist she's emailed, she gets angry. It's impossible to know what will anger her. And then I become fearful that she might harm herself.

[jaxon64]

yes Bebe, I am very familiar with the way that anything that I say, -no matter how innocent or innocuous-- can often be twisted and construed in a BPD mind as "criticizing" or "attacking". A simple question like, " did you empty the trash can in your bathroom, I'm going to the dump later."--in her mind is, "you are a lazy slob and let your filth overflow."... .I kid you not... .simple statements like, it's a nice day, why don't you open your window and let in some fresh air."... .is met with , " what are you trying to say, that I stink and don't shower enough?"

You are not alone. In some ways it feels like being bullied... .

[lbjnltx]

Hello Bebe



We are glad to have you here sharing your concerns and feelings.  We get it!

It is good to learn that your daughter is in therapy and has a diagnoses. Knowledge is the first step of empowerment to make positive change. How does your daughter feel about her diagnoses?  Does your daughter live with you?   

Learning affective communication skills that are helpful are a first step in improving your relationship with your daughter and helping yourself have some sense of power over your own life.  The tools and lessons on the right are a great place to begin to learn affective communication skills.

Learning what your daughter struggles with can help you understand her limitations.  When we understand limitations we can temper our expectations and lessen our frustration levels.

Here is a discussion that might interest you:


Have you read this book yet?

We look forward to learning more about you and how we can best support you.

lbj

[Bebe]

My daughter has been with me for a winter visit. She and her boyfriend (who has been away visiting with his parents) will be returning to their home in a couple of weeks. One of my concerns, after her prolonged visit, is her relationship with her boyfriend. They love each other deeply, but I wonder what kind of toll he is taking. I think the idea to spend some time apart was probably related to the difficulty of being with her. When she's feeling well, she's one of the most fabulous people to know. But the depression and anger can be incredibly wearing on a relationship. She also has trouble connecting with a therapist that she feels she can work with. I'm hoping this new one works for her. I'm wondering how to help her boyfriend cope. By the way, her diagnosis has only been recent.

[lbjnltx]

Thank you for coming back and answering some of the questions I posted Bebe.

It is a good thing for your daughter to have someone who loves her and is committed to her by her side like her boyfriend is.  It is also a positive thing that he can take time away when he needs to.  Self care is of the utmost importance when we are in close relationship with a person who suffers from BPD.

While we can't help other's cope we can give them access to tools to learn the coping skills that work best for them. We can pass along the information we find in resources... .like books and online support groups.  There is a board here on the site for people who are in romantic relationships with someone suffering from BPD that teaches skills.  It will be up to the boyfriend to decide how much he invests in understanding your daughter's illness and how to take care of himself.

We are here for you Bebe.  You deserve the same care, concern, attention and support that you wish for your daughter and her boyfriend.

Blessings

lbj

[Heldfast]

Does the boyfriend know that she's been diagnosed? Maybe suggest to him that he look into dialectic behavior therapy, ask her therapist for advice on how to include him so he doesn't get hit too hard if she starts painting him all black, or to spot the signs that she's splitting.

[Bebe]

Thanks for the replies and supports. Yes, her boyfriend is well aware of her diagnosis. Since they're been living together, he's probably more familiar with it that I am. I will direct him to areas of support and let him know that I am available and will stay in touch with him regularly. I feel that this site is helping me move forward with understanding the disorder.

[lbjnltx]

Thanks for the replies and supports. Yes, her boyfriend is well aware of her diagnosis. Since they're been living together, he's probably more familiar with it that I am. I will direct him to areas of support and let him know that I am available and will stay in touch with him regularly. I feel that this site is helping me move forward with understanding the disorder.

That is indeed good news Bebe.

Be very careful to be open with your daughter that you are sharing information and resources for her benefit and the benefit of the relationship... .sometimes people with BPD (pwBPD) feel that they are being ganged up on, talked about behind their backs or judged.

We will continue to be here to support you and help you learn.


lbj