When your wife wants sex but you are so not interested

[Depression = 72% of members]

I just want to agree with a previous poster that women are definitely not, I repeat, not always ready to have sex. This is the biggest misconception out there, I think. Women's bodies are delicate and complicated but just because we have a hole where an erect penis can fit does not mean we are ready. Sorry if that is too blunt for you.

This misconception pisses me off. I am female with a female partner and I can tell you that things work much smoother and are fantastically better when we are both mentally, emotionally and physically ready for sharing our bodies with each other.

And I want to agree with the original poster that when I don't feel loved and appreciated and have been the target of dysregulation, I am definitely not in the mood, and it may take a while of insight, awareness and even apologies before I can get in the mood again. You are not alone.

[Olinda]

I just want to agree with a previous poster that women are definitely not, I repeat, not always ready to have sex. This is the biggest misconception out there, I think. Women's bodies are delicate and complicated but just because we have a hole where an erect penis can fit does not mean we are ready. Sorry if that is too blunt for you.

This misconception pisses me off. I am female with a female partner and I can tell you that things work much smoother and are fantastically better when we are both mentally, emotionally and physically ready for sharing our bodies with each other.

And I want to agree with the original poster that when I don't feel loved and appreciated and have been the target of dysregulation, I am definitely not in the mood, and it may take a while of insight, awareness and even apologies before I can get in the mood again. You are not alone.

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[123Phoebe]

And yes, it's unbelievable how they can go from grumpy/raging/a$$hole behavior and then flip a switch and want sex. It doesn't work that way for me.

I could not possibly agree more. 

I asked my husband what he thought people we know (friends, people at our church) would think if he knew that we did not actually live as husband and wife, that we slept in seperate rooms. His response was, "It is what it is" and then he walked away. 

I told him a few months ago that he could start sleeping in our bed again if he wanted to.  His response?  Nothing.  He ignored me.  To be honest, I am relieved to not have to sleep in the same bed with him because he snores, gets up to pee every hour on the hour, and gets FURIOUS if I make even the slightest noise when I come to bed.

On the other hand, I couldn't tell you how many times I was very careful not to even move and disturb him when I came to bed thinking he was alseep only to have him startle me a few minutes later when he would angrily throw back the covers, get out of bed, and leave the room, slamming the door behind him. 

My H is angry when he's awake and even when he is asleep.  A few months ago, he screamed profanities in his sleep. He denied that this happened.  I guess he thinks I made it up. 

Verbena, your post really stood out to me, I think because of its contradictory nature.

If you're honestly relieved to not have to sleep in the same bed with your H, then why tell him he could start sleeping in it again, when doing so really does understandably bother you (and him)?  I'm wondering why you sound put-off by his non-response?

The question you asked him about the friends and people at church, what he thought they would think about you sleeping in separate rooms... .  I like your H's answer, actually.  It is what it is.  Would it bother you if they knew of your sleeping arrangements?

I know a lot of couples who choose to sleep in separate beds; they value sleep!  It's really not THAT big of deal, unless we choose to make it one.

Might it be better to come together on this, addressing the pros of such an arrangement for the two of you?

Maybe once the pressure is off about the bedroom being the sacred place for defining living together as husband and wife, other opportunities will present themselves... .  I mean, sex could be anywhere, ya know?  Even in your newly decorated ultra-fem bedroom

What do you think?

[formflier]

 

I like the thought 123 Phoebe.

You could even create a "sex room"... .

Meet you in the room in 15 minutes... .could be a new phrase around the house!  

[Cat Familiar]

I'm in a similar situation to Verbena in that my H and I typically sleep in different rooms. And like Verbena's husband, my husband will often disrupt my sleep with his snoring.

On the nights he does sleep with me, the queen size bed feels way too small. He is a tall guy and between him and a cat or two, it's kind of cramped. I've mentioned to him that I would like to sleep with him occasionally in his king size bed in his studio, but he seldom cleans his room and the dust problem gives me allergies.

I don't know if his lack of cleaning is just due to laziness or if it's a way of claiming personal space, but sometimes I'm a bit hurt by his lack of interest. He is welcome to sleep with me anytime I'm not getting up at an extremely early hour (which happens a few days a week) and I do like going to bed early, whereas he's a night owl.

[Notwendy]

Olinda, I thought your comment was great.

As much as our culture seems to focus on sex for the sake of sex, I think many people want to have an intimate relationship that is both emotionally and physically bonding. In this case, male or female, same sex or heterosexual relationship, feeling that you have to be available all the time just for sex, even if your feelings are hurt,  just doesn't feel right.

[Verbena]

And yes, it's unbelievable how they can go from grumpy/raging/a$$hole behavior and then flip a switch and want sex. It doesn't work that way for me.

I could not possibly agree more. 

I asked my husband what he thought people we know (friends, people at our church) would think if he knew that we did not actually live as husband and wife, that we slept in seperate rooms. His response was, "It is what it is" and then he walked away. 

I told him a few months ago that he could start sleeping in our bed again if he wanted to.  His response?  Nothing.  He ignored me.  To be honest, I am relieved to not have to sleep in the same bed with him because he snores, gets up to pee every hour on the hour, and gets FURIOUS if I make even the slightest noise when I come to bed.

On the other hand, I couldn't tell you how many times I was very careful not to even move and disturb him when I came to bed thinking he was alseep only to have him startle me a few minutes later when he would angrily throw back the covers, get out of bed, and leave the room, slamming the door behind him. 

My H is angry when he's awake and even when he is asleep.  A few months ago, he screamed profanities in his sleep. He denied that this happened.  I guess he thinks I made it up. 

Verbena, your post really stood out to me, I think because of its contradictory nature.

If you're honestly relieved to not have to sleep in the same bed with your H, then why tell him he could start sleeping in it again, when doing so really does understandably bother you (and him)?  I'm wondering why you sound put-off by his non-response?

The question you asked him about the friends and people at church, what he thought they would think about you sleeping in separate rooms... .  I like your H's answer, actually.  It is what it is.  Would it bother you if they knew of your sleeping arrangements?

I know a lot of couples who choose to sleep in separate beds; they value sleep!  It's really not THAT big of deal, unless we choose to make it one.

Might it be better to come together on this, addressing the pros of such an arrangement for the two of you?

Maybe once the pressure is off about the bedroom being the sacred place for defining living together as husband and wife, other opportunities will present themselves... .  I mean, sex could be anywhere, ya know?  Even in your newly decorated ultra-fem bedroom

What do you think?


123Phoebe,

I can see where my comments seem contradictory.  To clarify, my  telling my H that we could start sleeping in the same bed again was said after a discussion about us not having a physical relationship.  So in my mind (not sure about his) sleeping in the same bed meant having sex again.  I have told him that I have no interest in sex when that is the only time he is not angry and negative and critical.  I have told him we need to talk about all of this, but he refuses.  I shouldn't be put off by his non-response to anything because it's his typical response to almost anything I say. 

We wouldn't have to sleep in the same bed to have a physical relationship, I agree.  We are both aware that sharing the same bed is a problem with his constant up and down, our fairly new mattress that has caved in the middle (we were forced to sleep together recently when we had company and it was awful), and our different bedtimes. 

I would be appalled if people at my church (or anywhere else)  knew how we lived, and not just the lack of a physical relationship, but at his constant anger at home. This issue bothers me greatly.  He forces himself to be pleasant around certain people, but he is completely the opposite with me.  And he can switch back and forth so fast it makes my head spin.   

[misuniadziubek]

I just want to agree with a previous poster that women are definitely not, I repeat, not always ready to have sex. This is the biggest misconception out there, I think. Women's bodies are delicate and complicated but just because we have a hole where an erect penis can fit does not mean we are ready. Sorry if that is too blunt for you.

This misconception pisses me off. I am female with a female partner and I can tell you that things work much smoother and are fantastically better when we are both mentally, emotionally and physically ready for sharing our bodies with each other.

And I want to agree with the original poster that when I don't feel loved and appreciated and have been the target of dysregulation, I am definitely not in the mood, and it may take a while of insight, awareness and even apologies before I can get in the mood again. You are not alone.

My uBPDbf was my first sexual partner ever. And for good reason. I'd never gone through with it with any previous potential partners because they rarely were able to get me emotionally and physically prepared for it. They were more focused on the act and pressuring me than making me feel comfortable.

Saying that, in the beginning there was a lot of situations where his needs seemed a lot higher than mine, but it balanced out very quickly and he has been an amazing sexual partner in every way. He is generally the one who can't go through with it if he's not feeling emotionally secure, but in a three day period we will usually have sex at least two  to three times and it feels wonderful.

Then one weekend, we didn't have sex at all. It left me feeling extremely frustrated and frankly, unwanted. So the next time I saw him, I was determined to get intimate. A day passed, and nothing. At some point he woke me up while I was asleep trying to initiate, but I was half asleep so obviously I'm not going to want to right away without him warming me up a little. He gave up fairly quickly. The next day I confronted him, after hours of fighting about something else. He told me that he isn't that attracted to me because lately I have a terrible body odor and the fighting drains him emotionally, so obviously he's not going to want me.

Worst feeling in the world, but I still thought, I can work with this. Came home, showered thoroughly and tried to initiate when he was calm enough. It sort of worked. We ended up having -some- sex. And after he's done, I'm just sitting there on the bed and thinking, wow. That was absolutely terrible. I wasn't into it at all. He didn't even care about me finishing.  I almost wish I hadn't bothered. It wasn't intimate or emotionally close. It was just sex. And not even fun sex. It left me feeling terrible. And now I wonder if we'll ever go back to the emotionally and physically satisfying sex we used to have. It was pretty much the one thing that was routinely amazing even when our relationship didn't feel that great.

[ColdEthyl]

I just want to agree with a previous poster that women are definitely not, I repeat, not always ready to have sex. This is the biggest misconception out there, I think. Women's bodies are delicate and complicated but just because we have a hole where an erect penis can fit does not mean we are ready. Sorry if that is too blunt for you.

This misconception pisses me off. I am female with a female partner and I can tell you that things work much smoother and are fantastically better when we are both mentally, emotionally and physically ready for sharing our bodies with each other.

And I want to agree with the original poster that when I don't feel loved and appreciated and have been the target of dysregulation, I am definitely not in the mood, and it may take a while of insight, awareness and even apologies before I can get in the mood again. You are not alone.

I know it really irks me... .and I have tried to say that but you know how explaining anything to a pwBPD goes >.<

[empathic]

Same situation here. Negativity is a major turnoff for me as well, not to mention not getting any respect. When we first met, it was great though. There were some red flags like not accepting that I was sick. It gradually turned into being all on her terms.

Like a previous poster mentioned she has announced this in front of family, total lack of boundaries.

This had lead to us having separate bedrooms as I can't relax anymore in the same bedroom as her.

[Michelle27]

Oh boy, has this been a problem in my marriage too. 

My husband was very high functioning when we met.  Other than a few small red flags that were easily dismissed, it was almost 7 years of the typical "honeymoon" period.  Best sex I'd ever had, emotionally connected like all BPD people seem to be able to present for a little while, but it seriously lasted for all those years.  And then he was hit with some really traumatic news and the cracks started showing big time.  The dysregulations were scary and threw me off.  It took a few years of this and I started dreading sex because even though I WANTED it, I couldn't relax enough to "get there" and thus began a lot of faking.  I swore I'd never do that but I spent years taking care of myself on my own and going through the  motions with him and pulling back and not wanting it more than a few times a month.  I don't know about all women, but feeling emotionally safe is a HUGE part of me being open to sex. 

Then a few months ago he confesses that several years ago he had a year long affair with a "friend" of mine.  He claimed it was because I wasn't giving him enough sex.  Talk about a double blow.  We went through a period of a few weeks or a month when I actually desperately wanted sex from him (typical hyper bonding after finding out about an affair) and that was great, but it's beginning to wane again.  He's in the process of looking for DBT and wanting to work through his issues and I'm so afraid he's once again going to just going to sabotage this attempt at help so I'm having trouble relaxing enough to want it and enjoy it.  I was thinking today about mindfulness and using it in the bedroom to be able to focus on the NOW rather than my emotional fragility which is what is making it harder for me.  Interesting thought... .

[Ophelia71]

It is hard to be intimate when a loved one makes you feel so worthless and not good about yourself even though you know you are not the problem. Regardless, it hurts. I usually forgive because I love my BPD husband and try to make it work. Lately, with his frequent episodes I avoid him until he "snaps" out of it. Then later I will tell him he has hurt me, but I will always love him. I guess the question you need to ask yourself, how much do you love this person and how much do you want to make it work? I have accepted the fact our marriage may not last because one of us is bound to snap, because to be honest it has been really hard to cope. One day at a time and usually every day is a brand new day is how I have been trying to look at it. Being married is hard work whether a person has mental health issues or not.

[formflier]

  I have accepted the fact our marriage may not last because one of us is bound to snap, because to be honest it has been really hard to cope.

It can be hard to cope... .this is something I still struggle with as well.  One of the goals at bpdfamily is to get you some tools in your tool chest... .and give you the confidence that those tools work.  Not so much to "fix" your partner as it is for you to be confident that no matter what... .I will make emotionally healthy choices and that those choices will have a positive impact on your life.

I would hope after a while that you have the confidence to say... ."my husband may "snap" and end our r/s... .but that is his issue and his decision... ."

Do you see the difference in what I have written... .and how you expressed it in your post?

One day at a time and usually every day is a brand new day is how I have been trying to look at it. Being married is hard work whether a person has mental health issues or not.

One day at a time is a good strategy.  Also a good strategy to not let "issues" from yesterday... .spill into today. 

Today is a new day!  Use it to make your r/s and your life better.

FF

[Gus Blue]

I have dealt with this exact thing. She will tear me down and criticize me one moment, then get upset with me for not hugging her and trying to be intimate. Why would I want to be intimate with someone who basically just called me a loser?

[Turkish]

I have dealt with this exact thing. She will tear me down and criticize me one moment, then get upset with me for not hugging her and trying to be intimate. Why would I want to be intimate with someone who basically just called me a loser?

I don't have a pat answer for this Gus Blue. As you can see, a lot of us struggled or are struggling with it, both men and women. Personally, I often felt like a trained seal. I did better after a while getting professional validation, which as a man, I felt ashamed of seeking, especially since my Ex was already shaming me, even going so far as to compare me to an Ex bf (who cheated on her and abandoned her, but that didn't matter in her mind).

What else is going on, besides what I'm assuming is verbal and emotional abuse?

[formflier]

 

Gus,

I'm glad you found us... .tell us more about the times when she says these things.

I think we can help you with these type of interactions.


Have you read the lessons... .look to the right of the screen... .good place to start!

FF

[Notwendy]

Turkish, my H has said the same thing about me. At one point, he refused to kiss me because I asked him to. Of all the things that have happened between us, rages, insults, being painted black, this was the most emotionally devastating to me- to have a husband who would not kiss me.

Yet, he still wanted to have sex with me, and even made an argument for not "having to work so hard at it" in favor of quickies. When I asked him why he didn't kiss me he said that he felt like a "trained seal".  Yet I could not imagine what I had done to make him feel that way.  He remained very critical of me sexually and made it clear that whetever I was doing was not what he wanted. Sad, because whatever I was doing came from the heart. If I asked him to do something I liked, to him I was ordering him around.


If only I had known that what is said during dysregulation was not always based on reality, or how they feel. However, I didn't. I was heart broken. Yet, I was a young wife, in love with him, and wanted him to be happy. I assumed that what he said was what he wanted, so he got what he wanted, but doing so resulted in me disconnecting my emotions from the act of sex.

I don't think I ever got them connected again.

Now, he gets upset that I don't want to kiss him. It's more that it brings back painful memories and even thinking about it makes me want to cry. I'm still invested in the marriage, and willing to work at it, but - it isn't easy as I have that sad memory.

[ColdEthyl]

I'm still dealing with all of this, as well. None of us are alone in this it seems. My dBPDh's own mind is his worst enemy, and this area of our life is no different. I've been working on being more 'aggressive' like he said, and it has worked a few times. What he has started doing since then is waiting until I am about to fall asleep to try to initiate things. He will try and try and try until I caved in or pretended to be asleep.

From the suggestions on this board, the past 2 times he has done this I have responded aggressively, and both times he has backed off. So, I'm planning a 'hostile takeover' this weekend, and see how that goes.

It's really uncomfortable for me to be this aggressive... .but I'm trying.  I have no idea what else to do about something that came so natural for us in the beginning. Man... .I miss that. Our sex life used to be a highlight and a feature. Now, it's a slobbering beast in a dark closet.

[ColdEthyl]

@Notwendy My H has said "I am not a piece of meat!" and... .I just don't know where to go after something like that is said >.>

[Notwendy]

"Now, it's a slobbering beast in a dark closet."

My H laments that I don't seem interested. However, when I was interested, he saw it as being ordered around. Now, it all feels like some emotional mess.

I remember the old fashioned idea of "frigidity" and men complaining about their frigid wife. However, I wonder how many women just got fed up with this kind of messed up sex and so lost interest? ( men too)

[ColdEthyl]

"Now, it's a slobbering beast in a dark closet."

My H laments that I don't seem interested. However, when I was interested, he saw it as being ordered around. Now, it all feels like some emotional mess.

I remember the old fashioned idea of "frigidity" and men complaining about their frigid wife. However, I wonder how many women just got fed up with this kind of messed up sex and so lost interest? ( men too)

Yep I know it. I quit trying for a while because it really does take a toll on you to be rejected over and over, regardless if you logically know it's not you.

[formflier]

  I'm still invested in the marriage, and willing to work at it, but - it isn't easy as I have that sad memory.

Dealing with sad or troubling memories has recently been a bit more challenging for me.  I seem to have trouble quitting "ruminating" on them.

Usually when I have a problem that is hard to solve I can think about it for a while... ."ruminate" on it... .and I'll come across a solution.

Sometimes... .this even happens in my r/s with the wife... .that I'll discover a nugget of something that I can turn into something positive.

But... .lately... .seems like I'm just turning things over... .and not getting anywhere.

ff

[formflier]

@Notwendy My H has said "I am not a piece of meat!" and... .I just don't know where to go after something like that is said >.>

Have you ever asked how you can approach him... .so he doesn't feel "like a piece of meat"?

That's a tough one to deal with... .

[Turkish]

@Notwendy My H has said "I am not a piece of meat!" and... .I just don't know where to go after something like that is said >.>

Have you ever asked how you can approach him... .so he doesn't feel "like a piece of meat"?

That's a tough one to deal with... .

I never clearly communicated this with my Ex, so I was sent to therapy. I felt, but didn't say how I felt. And she abandoned me there, like she did at the end (even after admitting that she was "sick" a word she used for herself, I never said that).

[ColdEthyl]

@Notwendy My H has said "I am not a piece of meat!" and... .I just don't know where to go after something like that is said >.>

Have you ever asked how you can approach him... .so he doesn't feel "like a piece of meat"?

That's a tough one to deal with... .

The problem with this one is one minute he says he wants me to be aggressive, and when I am this is the cop-out he gives me. When I have asked what he means, how I make him feel that way... .he replies with all I want from him is sex and I make him feel used when I'm aggressive.

huh?    

I need to start carrying a brick wall in my pocket so I can pull it out and bonk my head into it at any given moment.

[formflier]

 

And when you ask... ."Help me understand how I can honor your request to be more aggressive without bringing up troubling feelings that you are speaking about... ."

Boy... .that would seem to be an interesting thing to listen to... .

FF

[ColdEthyl]

And when you ask... ."Help me understand how I can honor your request to be more aggressive without bringing up troubling feelings that you are speaking about... ."

Boy... .that would seem to be an interesting thing to listen to... .

FF

I'll keep you updated. No doubt it will come up again. I'm planning a 'hostile takeover' this weekend, so if he feels all meaty... .I'll ask him rofl

[Mutt]

The discussion is a worthwhile topic and is locked. A new and similar thread can be started.