Leaving, keeping things calm, don't yell at me in front of S.

[Sunfl0wer]

(I'm new, please excuse any mistakes)

Me and my ex pwBPD still live together with my S18 until May.

How do I keep things calm for the next three months to get through this time?  He has always often treated my son as an outcast/black sheep.  Sometimes he does not, like when he was trying to woo me, or get on my good side.  However, since he has declared us broken up, just to get me upset and bully me, he will pick an argument and want to fight within earshot of him.  He knows I don't argue in public areas of the house.  I have made it a rule only to talk about heated topics outside, in the car, for a walk etc. just to be certain things won't escalate in front of the kids.  So when I tell him to stop, he ignores me and intentionally escalates within earshot, full knowing that I feel him degrading me in front of either of the kids is abusive to all and crossing my line.  He does it to anger me, to call me the bad guy.

Well now that we are "broken up" status, rules do not remotely apply to him.

He is currently keeping to himself, distancing, isolating himself.

The problem is that I know this quiet phase of his can't last.

He came in the house last night, heard laughter through the door, when we stop to say hello to him, the laughter stops and he got paranoid and asked why we both stopped laughing when he enters, and what were we laughing about.

I can tell he is having insecurities.  I'm afraid that if I don't do things to make him feel like a person, if I don't do things to give him a sense of esteem, then won't he just eventually lash out to get his need met?    ---That is what usually happens.

So while we are not together intimately, I feel trapped to meet some of his BPD needs just so he doesn't turn on me hatefully again, as is the usual pattern.

Can someone help me make sense of this?

I want to distance, want peace, but am fearful without some "petting" he will flip out again.

I don't want to be projecting, I hope I am not, I want to be moving forward.

Why the heck do I still feel obligated to caretake on him when he broke up with ME? It makes me feel like a wimp and a victim and that is the last thing I want.  Most of all tho, I do not want these last months to be any more stressful for my son or I.

Please be honest as it is already so confusing to me.

Thanks!

[Mutt]

Hi Sunfl0wer,



I'm sorry you and your son are going through this   I can relate with the silent treatments, baiting, projections, borderline rages when my ex wife was the one that broke up with me.

You have rules to only talk about heated topics outside and he's not following those rules. We can only control our actions and not someone else's actions. How about a boundary of stepping out for awhile when he's trying to start an argument?

I detested that she would pick fights in front of the kids, I kept begging her not. At the time, I simply took it.  I didn't understand that I was dealing with a mental illness at the time when she was having a dissociative phase. These tips on leaving a pwBPD would of been super handy.

Click the link to read the entire article.

- Observe the way you are treated. Watch for the methods listed above and see how "The Borderline" works.

- Gradually become more boring, talk less, share less feelings and opinions. The goal is almost to bore "The Borderline" to lessen the emotional attachment, at the same time not creating a situation which would make you a target.

- Quietly contact your family and supportive others. Determine what help they might be - a place to stay, protection, financial help, etc.

- If you fear violence or abuse, check local legal or law enforcement options such as a restraining order.

- If "The Borderline" is destructive, slowly move your valuables from the home if together, or try to recover valuables if in their possession. In many cases, you may lose some personal items during your detachment - a small price to pay to get rid of "The Borderline".

- Stop arguing, debating or discussing issues. Stop defending and explaining yourself - responding with comments such as "I've been so confused lately" or "I'm under so much stress I don't know why I do anything anymore".

- Begin dropping hints that you are depressed, burned out, or confused about life in general. Remember - "The Borderline" never takes responsibility for what happens in any relationship. "The Borderline" will feel better about leaving the relationship if they can blame it on you. Many individuals are forced to "play confused" and dull, allowing "The Borderline" to tell others "My girlfriend (or boyfriend) about half nuts!" They may tell others you're crazy or confused but you'll be safer. Allow them to think anything they want about you as long as you're in the process of detaching.

- Don't start another relationship. That will only complicate your situation and increase the anger. Your best bet is to "lay low" for several months. Remember, "The Borderline" will quickly locate another victim and become instantly attached as long as the focus on you is allowed to die down.

- As "The Borderline" starts to question changes in your behavior, admit confusion, depression, emotionally numbness, and a host of other boring reactions. This sets the foundation for the ending of the relationship.

   

Leaving A Partner with Borderline Personality

It's good to get a support system in place,  a P or a T with an online support group.

How are your friends and family showing support?

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you Mutt,

Yes, when I realize that he is just trying to create conflict, not trying to resolve anything, I do leave.  I hear what you are saying about boundaries, yes, I agree, thx.

Heck tho, it just occurred to me... .  Do they EVER try to resolve things?  He only did in the beginning, the first year.  Once I was split black, conflicts were created by him just to prove I'm bad in some way.  I guess I need to realize that the conversation doesn't need to begin because it always ends the same... .as long as I'm split black.  I guess it still baffles me that he is not rational.  :/

Thank you for the article!  We don't talk too much, but I see him uncomfortable and wondering if I feel positive things toward him, like he's looking for a bit of narcissistic supply so he can decide to either hate or like me in the moment.  I have explained how difficult things are and stressed I am, to not take it personal that I'm being quiet, but I'm focusing on things.  I said this to avoid him getting paranoid about not being able to make sense of my mood as he could think it is about him, then lash out on me.  Anyway, this worked, so I'll keep doing that.

I do not like feeling I have to anticipate and manage his emotions still... .but oh well.

(He isn't the type to get violent.  He won't damage things as he wants to leave the relationship the hero somehow, and damaging my things would make him loose his victim status, he made in his head, as it would be proof that I would be a victim of the relationship.  Like he stayed out the lease to give me a chance to save money for the move.  Which isn't the reason, but is what he tells himself.)

I don't have any friends that I hang out with anymore but I do chat a bit on the phone some.  I used to hang out with my coworkers but not in years since I changed jobs.  I just dropped my Therapist.  It was a couples therapist who I picked because I thought it would help exBF stay in therapy as it was a good personality match for him.  He is not such a good match for me tho and I found myself not being understood.

I have PTSD and have periods where I dissociate, but I have the feeling that it sounds much different than how your wife did.  I'll look that up on here as along with reading that whole article.  Thank you Mutt!

[going places]

I filed for divorce April 2014.

He stayed in the home.

Divorce was final, June 2014.

He stayed in the home.

He ignored me. He picked fights. He would intentionally 'trigger me' (PTSD, knew my triggers).

He spoke to me with a surly hate in his voice. OR he would intentionally get up and go in another room.

July 8 2014 I told him to get out.

I couldn't take it, and the kids (young adults) were sick of him.

I have not seen his face since July 2014.

The house was up for sale in June 2014, and just sold.

He has not been in the house since I told him to leave.

2 months after he was gone, I started to feel a change in me... .I could breathe.

4 months after he was gone, his emails trying to manipulate me stopped working.

6 months after he was gone, my focus is 100% on me and the kids and 0% on him and his evil.

This time next year I will be living 5 states away, own my own business, and my past will be so far behind me, I won't even recall it.

Get away as fast as you can.

Google "abuse shelter" in your area and meet with an advocate.

They have resources to help women in your position.

It saved, my life.