7 Weeks Out and This is Where I Am At

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey guys, so I am hitting the 7 week mark of no contact with my exBPD this Saturday and I want to share with you my progress... .It has been an interesting week because it was her birthday, what would of been our 1 year anniversary, and valentine's day... .so I assumed this week would hit me hard but I was able to keep myself busy and move passed it. I am glad to state that I am now dating 3 women and they really take the edge off my ex. It has almost been 7 weeks of no contact and in result I sleep better, my workouts at the gym are now back to full potential, and I am out with my friends having fun again... .I was with my ex for 5 months then she F*cked with my mind for 5 months after that so 7 weeks of NC has really done a lot for me... .I am out dating again and am ready to pursue the rest of my life. I wish you all well and I will continue to write on this page until I forget my ex LOL. Hope you guys are doing well

[Jmanster]

Hey guys, so I am hitting the 7 week mark of no contact with my exBPD this Saturday and I want to share with you my progress... .It has been an interesting week because it was her birthday, what would of been our 1 year anniversary, and valentine's day... .so I assumed this week would hit me hard but I was able to keep myself busy and move passed it. I am glad to state that I am now dating 3 women and they really take the edge off my ex. It has almost been 7 weeks of no contact and in result I sleep better, my workouts at the gym are now back to full potential, and I am out with my friends having fun again... .I was with my ex for 5 months then she F*cked with my mind for 5 months after that so 7 weeks of NC has really done a lot for me... .I am out dating again and am ready to pursue the rest of my life. I wish you all well and I will continue to write on this page until I forget my ex LOL. Hope you guys are doing well

[Loosestrife]

You are doing well. Keep it up 

[FrenchConnection]

Thanks for your update.  I am also 7 weeks NC and feel good about this decision.  I am also dating again and meeting new women.  For anyone else who is struggling with No Contact i encourage you to give yourself at least 90 days before you even consider making contact again.  I took that challenge given here and it is the best advice i ever took.  I'm healthier now that i'm out of that relationship.  But it takes a lot of time and space.

[anxiety5]

Thanks for your update.  I am also 7 weeks NC and feel good about this decision.  I am also dating again and meeting new women.  For anyone else who is struggling with No Contact i encourage you to give yourself at least 90 days before you even consider making contact again.  I took that challenge given here and it is the best advice i ever took.  I'm healthier now that i'm out of that relationship.  But it takes a lot of time and space.

I changed my number 40 days ago. I thought about dating but realize it was a bit premature and impulsive. I want to get it right next time. I also don't want anything about my "recovery" to be fake. The facts are this relationship sucked the freaking life out of me. I need time to decompress. I'm eating perfectly, just started working out again, and I'm taking weekend trips to rekindle friendships I have neglected. Each day that passes, I think about her less. I have a note on my phone that has all the things she did to me. When I feel like I miss her I remember that I miss the idea of her, but not the reality of her by reading that list. It works like a charm. My goal is complete indifference. I know she may be dating, or if not will be soon. I know that she probably talks poorly of me. I don't care. She is a malignant personality that is incapable of fault or accountability so therefore by definition incapable of growth or change. Whatever she was in my relationship is who she will be in her next. I know that she thinks she got the best of me. I know that one day she will probably "stop by" to see what plight my life is fallen into. I don't seek revenge by having a girl here. I seek healing, growth, confidence, career growth, physical health and empowerment through acceptance. If and when she does ever stop by to see what a mess I become, I want her to see that she did not break me. That I'm thriving. And total indifference to her suggestive statements (to see if she can still control me) What I seek most is to live this. To be this. And to become this.

The victim of a control freak forever glorifies the abuser through victimization. I chose to leave. I'm no longer a victim. I have obsessed long enough. What good has it done me? I have come to accept things and appreciate the things that will never be because they would have been bad. I'm thankful I escaped with dignity. Now I choose to forget. To let go. To render the last shred of control this person had over me (through obsession or addiction) to be gone. Victims have a right to be hurt, to have a blank face if they face their abuser. But I want something more. I want an impenetrable shield of self confidence, wisdom, growth and safety to shine from me if that day ever arrives. No arrogance, no haughtiness. A simple smile, a look and a genuine "Hey I hope you are doing well." with a silent confidence and unspoken "You will NEVER be let back into my life again."

[FrenchConnection]

Great post.  My thoughts and feelings exactly.

Thanks for sharing that.

Thanks for your update.  I am also 7 weeks NC and feel good about this decision.  I am also dating again and meeting new women.  For anyone else who is struggling with No Contact i encourage you to give yourself at least 90 days before you even consider making contact again.  I took that challenge given here and it is the best advice i ever took.  I'm healthier now that i'm out of that relationship.  But it takes a lot of time and space.

I changed my number 40 days ago. I thought about dating but realize it was a bit premature and impulsive. I want to get it right next time. I also don't want anything about my "recovery" to be fake. The facts are this relationship sucked the freaking life out of me. I need time to decompress. I'm eating perfectly, just started working out again, and I'm taking weekend trips to rekindle friendships I have neglected. Each day that passes, I think about her less. I have a note on my phone that has all the things she did to me. When I feel like I miss her I remember that I miss the idea of her, but not the reality of her by reading that list. It works like a charm. My goal is complete indifference. I know she may be dating, or if not will be soon. I know that she probably talks poorly of me. I don't care. She is a malignant personality that is incapable of fault or accountability so therefore by definition incapable of growth or change. Whatever she was in my relationship is who she will be in her next. I know that she thinks she got the best of me. I know that one day she will probably "stop by" to see what plight my life is fallen into. I don't seek revenge by having a girl here. I seek healing, growth, confidence, career growth, physical health and empowerment through acceptance. If and when she does ever stop by to see what a mess I become, I want her to see that she did not break me. That I'm thriving. And total indifference to her suggestive statements (to see if she can still control me) What I seek most is to live this. To be this. And to become this.

The victim of a control freak forever glorifies the abuser through victimization. I chose to leave. I'm no longer a victim. I have obsessed long enough. What good has it done me? I have come to accept things and appreciate the things that will never be because they would have been bad. I'm thankful I escaped with dignity. Now I choose to forget. To let go. To render the last shred of control this person had over me (through obsession or addiction) to be gone. Victims have a right to be hurt, to have a blank face if they face their abuser. But I want something more. I want an impenetrable shield of self confidence, wisdom, growth and safety to shine from me if that day ever arrives. No arrogance, no haughtiness. A simple smile, a look and a genuine "Hey I hope you are doing well." with a silent confidence and unspoken "You will NEVER be let back into my life again."

[GrowThroughIt]

Thanks for your update.  I am also 7 weeks NC and feel good about this decision.  I am also dating again and meeting new women.  For anyone else who is struggling with No Contact i encourage you to give yourself at least 90 days before you even consider making contact again.  I took that challenge given here and it is the best advice i ever took.  I'm healthier now that i'm out of that relationship.  But it takes a lot of time and space.

I changed my number 40 days ago. I thought about dating but realize it was a bit premature and impulsive. I want to get it right next time. I also don't want anything about my "recovery" to be fake. The facts are this relationship sucked the freaking life out of me. I need time to decompress. I'm eating perfectly, just started working out again, and I'm taking weekend trips to rekindle friendships I have neglected. Each day that passes, I think about her less. I have a note on my phone that has all the things she did to me. When I feel like I miss her I remember that I miss the idea of her, but not the reality of her by reading that list. It works like a charm. My goal is complete indifference. I know she may be dating, or if not will be soon. I know that she probably talks poorly of me. I don't care. She is a malignant personality that is incapable of fault or accountability so therefore by definition incapable of growth or change. Whatever she was in my relationship is who she will be in her next. I know that she thinks she got the best of me. I know that one day she will probably "stop by" to see what plight my life is fallen into. I don't seek revenge by having a girl here. I seek healing, growth, confidence, career growth, physical health and empowerment through acceptance. If and when she does ever stop by to see what a mess I become, I want her to see that she did not break me. That I'm thriving. And total indifference to her suggestive statements (to see if she can still control me) What I seek most is to live this. To be this. And to become this.

The victim of a control freak forever glorifies the abuser through victimization. I chose to leave. I'm no longer a victim. I have obsessed long enough. What good has it done me? I have come to accept things and appreciate the things that will never be because they would have been bad. I'm thankful I escaped with dignity. Now I choose to forget. To let go. To render the last shred of control this person had over me (through obsession or addiction) to be gone. Victims have a right to be hurt, to have a blank face if they face their abuser. But I want something more. I want an impenetrable shield of self confidence, wisdom, growth and safety to shine from me if that day ever arrives. No arrogance, no haughtiness. A simple smile, a look and a genuine "Hey I hope you are doing well." with a silent confidence and unspoken "You will NEVER be let back into my life again."

Yes! Yes! Yes!

The irony is, from all of this, we emerge stronger. Our partner tried their hardest to control us but we broke away and took control. We have the capacity to look past our partner and look within ourselves.

The difference between our partners and us are numerous. But the one which stands out for me is, we have momentary lapses of weakness, which we emerge stronger from. They however LIVE in a state of weakness, too afraid to do that which we strive to do, which is to look within ourselves and better ourselves with substance.

Good to see everyone on here is doing well. Let's keep this up and become stronger and better in every aspect of our lives!

[Heldfast]

I am at 8 weeks out, 3 weeks NC. I am doing better, reading voraciously, about to get on a plane to London, and starting to feel like my old self again.

Anxiety5, I love your post.

[Loosestrife]

Thank you so much for this post. I keep reading it and it is helping me a lot.

[anxiety5]

Thank you so much for this post. I keep reading it and it is helping me a lot.

Once I left the relationship I allowed myself to ruminate a lot. That's the appropriate time to do so. During the relationship, when you are always having additional layers added, it's like trying to sort through a never ending load of laundry where more stuff is thrown onto the pile to sort through and every once in awhile someone turns the lights off in the room.

Going no contact was a god sent. That is when it's ok to do your sorting. Once the bucket of toxicity is contained, inside a finite bucket, where nothing else can get thrown on top.

Ruminate until you stop connecting dots, until you stop making progress, and until you stop making insights. Once you run out of this progress, it's time to stop.

Replace the sadness you feel, and emptiness you feel with acceptance. Start to focus on you. You hear that a lot but here is a subtle example of how I did that. I forgave MYSELF for letting MYSELF get hurt so badly. I started to feel sorry for my body, which had not slept in so long I started to feel bad for my heart which had been in a state of anxiety for a year. I started to pity ME. But I forgave myself too. And I began to treat myself with respect. Sleeping. Eating healthy. Taking walks. Engaging in conversations with old friends. Laughing. Being around family. Nourishing myself.

As you detach, I started to realize how weak this person was, my ex. How pathetic she is. I started to realize each day that there was no chance I'd ever let her back in. I found my new love, my new best friend. ME.

We may plead to our significant others I'm loyal, I tried so hard, I stuck by you, I forgave you, I gave you so much, I did so many things, I was there for you, etc.

But as we gain detachment, we need to tell OURSELVES, how wonderful we really are. Strong, loyal, enduring, committed, devoted, and Brave. Courageous, and humble. We are capable of change, of growth. They aren't. That alone means it's impossible for us to ever be in a one down position to them. We were always in a one up position, we were always ok. We were always the one's who were either good enough, or capable of being good enough. And if that weren't true, there would be no such thing as a DEVALUING STAGE. 

If you are thinking of going no contact, do it. If not now, when?

If you already are in it, keep it going. You are worth it. Just be sure to remind yourself of that. You don't need me to.

[Keysmiami]

Wow of all the posts I have read yours has resonated with me the most. I am so glad you have come out of this. My story is similar but not quite the same length as I have made an early exit due to the inability to deal with bullsh**.  Three years of friendship and four months of a relationship and when she decided to cut it I was devastated. She wanted me still in her life but to do things for her and take care of her kid while she goes out and treats me like crap. Sorry I couldn't do that to myself but yet I can't seem to be without her. I gave her all the love I have inside and she just took it without a thought.  She then threw me in the trash without a thought with no warning. We were really enjoying being together and seemed like we were building a solid relationship together but she must have experienced something different. Anyway I only hope I can come out of this stronger like  you. I let my fitness go for a few weeks and hadn't ate or slept. I was this close to checking into a hospital that's how much pain I was in. I also lost her children as I had a special bond with them. It's like they died. Instead of working out at home I decided to join a gym where I'm not alone. It seems to help. I can only hope one day I will be so far removed from this that I will be as happy as I know could be. Right now that still seems far away.

[anxiety5]

Wow of all the posts I have read yours has resonated with me the most. I am so glad you have come out of this. My story is similar but not quite the same length as I have made an early exit due to the inability to deal with bullsh**.  Three years of friendship and four months of a relationship and when she decided to cut it I was devastated. She wanted me still in her life but to do things for her and take care of her kid while she goes out and treats me like crap. Sorry I couldn't do that to myself but yet I can't seem to be without her. I gave her all the love I have inside and she just took it without a thought.  She then threw me in the trash without a thought with no warning. We were really enjoying being together and seemed like we were building a solid relationship together but she must have experienced something different. Anyway I only hope I can come out of this stronger like  you. I let my fitness go for a few weeks and hadn't ate or slept. I was this close to checking into a hospital that's how much pain I was in. I also lost her children as I had a special bond with them. It's like they died. Instead of working out at home I decided to join a gym where I'm not alone. It seems to help. I can only hope one day I will be so far removed from this that I will be as happy as I know could be. Right now that still seems far away.

You're going to be fine. You probably are a lot more emotional healthy than you think. Just the sense of mind (and to follow it) that something was off, and only letting yourself get subjected to it for 4 months. I was cheated on at the 4 month point and I bought on the nonsense and gave her another chance (huge mistake) so I wasn't as strong as you were at that point.

I will say this though. If there is any positive to the other 10 months or so I stayed in it, it's the fact I feel like I'm a different person now (for good reasons) I have never psycho analyzed anything like that in my life. But I learned a ton about myself, about these relationships. About why I "fell for it" etc. Most of the time we fall into their traps because there is a dynamic to us that they can spot a mile away. I would suggest just paying attention to the red flags, potential red flags you missed and what attracted to you to someone like them initially. Just be cautious of those same scenarios and always trust that "gut" instinct if it kicks in again when you meet someone new. If it feels eerily familiar or you have a sense that whoa, this is starting again in a new relationship, use that as your chance to prove you learned, by walking away right then and there.

You sound like you are doing great. After we heal our only options are to continue living and learn why/how we got involved with someone like this, so we can protect ourselves in the future. Once you figure that out, you are good to go.

I wish you the best. You're gonna be just fine. I'm glad.