"Friends" with exgf not going great - considering NC

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi Nowhatz,

Well done. It's sounds like you handled a difficult situation very well. I know how hard is to take that step, the sadness and self doubt, but it's one of the most important things you've ever done.

Praise yourself and and give yourself a hug  . You deserve it

Personally I didn't find getting drunk much help. In these kind of circumstances I think you just end up feeling more vulnerable and sad, but seeing friends is good and exercise really helps as well.

I know what you mean about how difficult it is to explain what's happened to others.

You have live it to believe it.

I understand that shame too, but being vulnerable and opening up can also be a great way of connecting with others and getting support.

Journalling really helped me and I've tried to learn to be my own cheer leader.

There are some great threads on this site about getting to know the vulnerable part of yourself - the little guys who is feeling very hurt and lost. I found written dialogues really helped me get in touch with that part of myself and teach me how to give him and myself the support that I really needed. The love and support you weren't getting from your ex

NC is hard, but in my experience the only way to get through to break the addiction - and these type of relationships can be so damaging. You deserve safety and space to heal.

You will struggle with the withdrawal, try and take it one day at a time. I found that any contact set me back so blocking her mobile and social media may seem a bit extreme, but it can be a huge help.

It's also worth writing down a list of her most dysfunctional moments and keeping it with you at all times. When you feel yourself wavering read it and remember the truth.

Keep posting here. We're all behind you

Reforming.

[Reforming]

Hi Nowhatz,

Well done. It's sounds like you handled a difficult situation very well. I know how hard is to take that step, the sadness and self doubt, but it's one of the most important things you've ever done.

Praise yourself and and give yourself a hug  . You deserve it

Personally I didn't find getting drunk much help. In these kind of circumstances I think you just end up feeling more vulnerable and sad, but seeing friends is good and exercise really helps as well.

I know what you mean about how difficult it is to explain what's happened to others.

You have live it to believe it.

I understand that shame too, but being vulnerable and opening up can also be a great way of connecting with others and getting support.

Journalling really helped me and I've tried to learn to be my own cheer leader.

There are some great threads on this site about getting to know the vulnerable part of yourself - the little guys who is feeling very hurt and lost. I found written dialogues really helped me get in touch with that part of myself and teach me how to give him and myself the support that I really needed. The love and support you weren't getting from your ex

NC is hard, but in my experience the only way to get through to break the addiction - and these type of relationships can be so damaging. You deserve safety and space to heal.

You will struggle with the withdrawal, try and take it one day at a time. I found that any contact set me back so blocking her mobile and social media may seem a bit extreme, but it can be a huge help.

It's also worth writing down a list of her most dysfunctional moments and keeping it with you at all times. When you feel yourself wavering read it and remember the truth.

Keep posting here. We're all behind you

Reforming.

[nowwhatz]

Hi Nowhatz,

Well done. It's sounds like you handled a difficult situation very well. I know how hard is to take that step, the sadness and self doubt, but it's one of the most important things you've ever done.

Praise yourself and and give yourself a hug  . You deserve it

Personally I didn't find getting drunk much help. In these kind of circumstances I think you just end up feeling more vulnerable and sad, but seeing friends is good and exercise really helps as well.

I know what you mean about how difficult it is to explain what's happened to others.

You have live it to believe it.

I understand that shame too, but being vulnerable and opening up can also be a great way of connecting with others and getting support.

Journalling really helped me and I've tried to learn to be my own cheer leader.

There are some great threads on this site about getting to know the vulnerable part of yourself - the little guys who is feeling very hurt and lost. I found written dialogues really helped me get in touch with that part of myself and teach me how to give him and myself the support that I really needed. The love and support you weren't getting from your ex

NC is hard, but in my experience the only way to get through to break the addiction - and these type of relationships can be so damaging. You deserve safety and space to heal.

You will struggle with the withdrawal, try and take it one day at a time. I found that any contact set me back so blocking her mobile and social media may seem a bit extreme, but it can be a huge help.

It's also worth writing down a list of her most dysfunctional moments and keeping it with you at all times. When you feel yourself wavering read it and remember the truth.

Keep posting here. We're all behind you

Reforming.

Hi Reforming,

Thanks for your encouragement.  I really need it and appreciate it!

Again... .what you said in an earlier post that she could do me harm hit home and helped me decide.

Right now I have some mixed feelings and am taking a break from work and reflecting on what has happened.  I did as much blocking as I could do on the phones and social media but that is only as good as my resolve to keep it that way.

As I look back I realize now whatever I told her the night before apparently got through to her and had her ready to rekindle the r/s... .yesterday! When I got to her door last night she was made up perfectly and seemingly ready for me to sweep her off her feet... .but quickly realized that wasn't gonna happen. She put her best foot forward... .I totally ignored/didn't see it/was oblivious... .and then she went into a deep funk that ended badly.

In a sense I feel like maybe I was a little harsh on her but not regretting it.

In all of our prior "breakups" she had a guy already lined up to replace me.  This is the first time she has nobody.  I was her best chance, best hope and would have worked hard to help if she could only make some consistent effort to help herself.   It is a tragedy all the way around. 

Reforming I won't get drunk... .not much of a drinker

I don't feel like giving myself a hug just yet but am confident I will someday when my feelings catch up to reality. Right now I feel a little guilty. Things are very bad for her and about to get much worse. The son's gf is not going to be able to bear the burden and she is running out of options.

This is sort of like journalling so I will keep posting as long as it doesn't get me too down.

As for the list of dysfuntional moments it would fill up a 10 TB hardrive. They are indelibly etched in my brain and soul along with the fleeting moments of incredible sweetness... .the person she was supposed to be would have been amazing if not for the sickness. I could use some memory loss.

In time I hope I will have it all in perspective.

I will try to talk with somebody.  My best friend is visiting today to take care of some business near my home. I have never told him anything about the r/s and BPD, and he thinks it is just one of those on/off bf/gf things.  Maybe I will have the courage to share my problem with him but I don't want to burden him with this heavyness. 

Thank you again! Things will get better. They have to.

[nowwhatz]

Hi Nowhatz,

Well done. It's sounds like you handled a difficult situation very well. I know how hard is to take that step, the sadness and self doubt, but it's one of the most important things you've ever done.

Praise yourself and and give yourself a hug  . You deserve it

Personally I didn't find getting drunk much help. In these kind of circumstances I think you just end up feeling more vulnerable and sad, but seeing friends is good and exercise really helps as well.

I know what you mean about how difficult it is to explain what's happened to others.

You have live it to believe it.

I understand that shame too, but being vulnerable and opening up can also be a great way of connecting with others and getting support.

Journalling really helped me and I've tried to learn to be my own cheer leader.

There are some great threads on this site about getting to know the vulnerable part of yourself - the little guys who is feeling very hurt and lost. I found written dialogues really helped me get in touch with that part of myself and teach me how to give him and myself the support that I really needed. The love and support you weren't getting from your ex

NC is hard, but in my experience the only way to get through to break the addiction - and these type of relationships can be so damaging. You deserve safety and space to heal.

You will struggle with the withdrawal, try and take it one day at a time. I found that any contact set me back so blocking her mobile and social media may seem a bit extreme, but it can be a huge help.

It's also worth writing down a list of her most dysfunctional moments and keeping it with you at all times. When you feel yourself wavering read it and remember the truth.

Keep posting here. We're all behind you

Reforming.

Well my friend came by and we did our work around here but I could not talk wth him about her.  He was busy and had to go back to work.

I have to admit I am in full-court depression mode... .in bed... .can't seem to move except to post here and read some of the other threads.   Have to snap out of it.  Tomorrow my work day will be busier... .hope I can focus.

[downwhim]

Who knows what is expected of us when we break up? I look back and I think of myself as a mouse in a maze, running as fast as I could, filled with anxiety going round and round and ending up nowhere. This board has helped me immensely. Reading, learning, sharing is all part of separating us from the illness. Sorting my life out and putting all in perspective is a goal I have because I too really want my life back.

Bpd's have a way of sucking the life out of us and taking who and what we were before. I am not trying to be the victim here but when someone says they love you and they adore you and then devalue you so quickly it is devastating. We need to pull ourselves up and feel our worth again. We are guilty of loving someone lost and vacant. They are so desperate to run away to enjoy emptiness with a replacement? The wheel goes round and round. We just have to learn when to jump off and how to land with our true self intact.

[nowwhatz]

Who knows what is expected of us when we break up? I look back and I think of myself as a mouse in a maze, running as fast as I could, filled with anxiety going round and round and ending up nowhere. This board has helped me immensely. Reading, learning, sharing is all part of separating us from the illness. Sorting my life out and putting all in perspective is a goal I have because I too really want my life back.

Bpd's have a way of sucking the life out of us and taking who and what we were before. I am not trying to be the victim here but when someone says they love you and they adore you and then devalue you so quickly it is devastating. We need to pull ourselves up and feel our worth again. We are guilty of loving someone lost and vacant. They are so desperate to run away to enjoy emptiness with a replacement? The wheel goes round and round. We just have to learn when to jump off and how to land with our true self intact.

I agree and am in that very position... .the life has been sucked out of me.  The person I was 4 years ago was so different from what I am now.   I have screwed up my life so much through this r/s.   Love and adore and then devalue quickly. It has happened so many times no with this exgf I have lost count.

I want my life back also and without this board and people like you I would have been toast a long time ago.

There are a lot of things going through my mind.  I guess I am happy to say ruminating like I used to do after prior breakups with this diablita isn't happening.

This is the first time I have dumped her not just as a gf or whatever but as a friend and it seemed to shock her into a catatonic state.

I am worried for my future, the future of my children if I don't snap out of it and regrettably worried about the exgf... .as bad off as I am it is nowhere near where she is.  Nothing I can do about her. Whatever happens will happen to her.  All I can do is try to help myself .

[Suzn]

Rock bottom isn't a pretty place to be for anyone. Maybe, just maybe, she'll finally get help. Either way it's very hard to have a front seat to watch.

When I find myself in that position I go to mindfulness for myself. I become very present in my life, literally. I try to take notice of everything. Go outside, take a walk, look at the leaves on the trees, notice a breeze across your face, notice the ground you're walking on, etc...  When I'm sitting I notice how the chair feels, the fabric, the way it feels against my body and so on... This practice has helped distract from what my mind would otherwise focus on... my worries. It helps to reconnect to my existence, it takes the focus off someone else.

[nowwhatz]

Rock bottom isn't a pretty place to be for anyone. Maybe, just maybe, she'll finally get help. Either way it's very hard to have a front seat to watch.

When I find myself in that position I go to mindfulness for myself. I become very present in my life, literally. I try to take notice of everything. Go outside, take a walk, look at the leaves on the trees, notice a breeze across your face, notice the ground you're walking on, etc...  When I'm sitting I notice how the chair feels, the fabric, the way it feels against my body and so on... This practice has helped distract from what my mind would otherwise focus on... my worries. It helps to reconnect to my existence, it takes the focus off someone else.

Thank you Suzn!

That is great advice!  I am trying. 

I have no appetite but forced myself to eat a piece of toast with butter and a tangerine... .trying to take notice of every flavor.  I have to go out on some business and will have a chance to walk outside in the beautiful weather where I live and will try hard to take note of things.

Unfortunately there is a shock to my system, body and emotions, that I don't have any control over. It is a almost overpowering me.  I am surprised because I thought I could "handle" this being that it is not my first rodeo, though probably the last.

I did sleep ok though woke up with this continuing unpleasant shock.