Sister with BPD - Need Custody Advice

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi.  My little sister (32 yo) was diagnosed with BPD about six years ago.  She was married at the time with 2 beautiful boys.  Throughout her marriage, she was severely depressed, and was also (I found out later) abusive and neglectful to her 2 boys, who were an infant and a toddler at the time.  As the oldest in my family (she's #2 in birth order), I have spent my whole life de-escalating her behaviors, protecting her from herself and consequences and obviously enabling her.

I could go on and on.  You have lived the same stories I have so I won't go too far into it.

I need advice.  She had a baby 10 months ago with a guy who was in the picture for a week.  She seriously considered abortion, but with the support and encouragement of our family and her own convictions, she had the baby.  She is a beautiful little girl.  From the time she was born, I have been the primary caregiver.  Instead of protecting my sister, I began protecting my niece from my sister's issues.  She is incredibly, frighteningly quick to anger, very easily over-stimulated, and very neglectful of the baby.  For example, she gave her Gatorade instead of formula at night for the first three months of her life.  She would go for runs around her apartment complex and leave the baby asleep on the bed.  She would bring her to me, saying she'd be back in a few hours and she'd come back a week later, no explanations.  Because of our relationship patterns, I have always been so careful not to upset her.  She has been through a lot and put my parents through a whole lot.  I feel like I'm the last link to her.  If I burn any bridges, we won't know how the baby is, and I'll never hear from her again.

Sorry this is so long.  In October, she moved out of state, and signed a power of attorney allowing me to keep the baby until she "got settled".  I knew if the baby went with her that the neglect would get worse.  So instead of telling her I was worried about her mothering abilities, I made it sound like I wanted to do her a huge favor.  I have to frame everything in how it benefits her.  I had the baby from October til December when her current boyfriend convinced her that I think she's a bad mom and that she needed to take the baby back.  Against my intution, I didn't put up a fight.  I got a call last week, saying her boyfriend threw her out, she had nowhere to go, her truck had been repo'd so she had nowhere to go.  She didn't want to come home, but she needed me to take the baby since she was going to be out of pocket.

I flew out there and went to her house.  Her boyfriend hadn't kicked her out.  They were just fighting.  She spent the whole time acting paranoid that he was going to come back at any time, but at the same time, she hung around instead of leaving straight away, almost like she was hoping he would come back.  She told me the baby (10 months old, remember) had gone to sleep at 530 the night before and it was 230 the next day and she said she hadn't woken up yet.  I went into the baby's room, which reeked of throw up, and the baby had throw up all over her and had clearly not been attended to all night.  There were syringes all over the house (supposedly from her boyfriend's testosterone treatment), there was no formula in the house, Gatorade in her bottle.  We finally got out of there and got a hotel for the night, so the baby and I could fly out the next day.  In the middle of the night, the baby started crying, and my sister starts gritting her teeth and yells "shut the f*** up!"  I was so afraid she was going to hurt the baby.  I gently told her that she was so tired and needed to get some sleep and that I'd take care of the baby.  She then yelled the same thing at me.  I brought the baby back home with me and have had her for almost two weeks now.

She texted me yesterday saying that she's coming to get the baby this coming Friday.  What do I do?  The baby isn't safe, and is being neglected.  She's back together with the boyfriend again, in the same house with the syringes and all.  She's always more neglectful and selfish and dismissive of the baby when there's a guy in the picture.  He has insisted that she come get the baby because I think she's a bad mom and I'm gonna try to take the baby away from her just to hurt her.  What do I do?  Do I try to talk her into leaving the baby a while longer and make it about her needing a break, or do I call CPS, or do nothing?  I don't know what to do.  If I get CPS involved and they don't take the baby away, she'll never speak to me again and no one that loves her will know how she or the baby are doing, and won't be able to help or protect the baby if needed.  I'm at such a loss.  I know this is vague and there are gaps, but I am so sad about the whole story and I'm just at a loss.  Thank you for your insight and for listening.

[KellyJoGreen]

Hi.  My little sister (32 yo) was diagnosed with BPD about six years ago.  She was married at the time with 2 beautiful boys.  Throughout her marriage, she was severely depressed, and was also (I found out later) abusive and neglectful to her 2 boys, who were an infant and a toddler at the time.  As the oldest in my family (she's #2 in birth order), I have spent my whole life de-escalating her behaviors, protecting her from herself and consequences and obviously enabling her.

I could go on and on.  You have lived the same stories I have so I won't go too far into it.

I need advice.  She had a baby 10 months ago with a guy who was in the picture for a week.  She seriously considered abortion, but with the support and encouragement of our family and her own convictions, she had the baby.  She is a beautiful little girl.  From the time she was born, I have been the primary caregiver.  Instead of protecting my sister, I began protecting my niece from my sister's issues.  She is incredibly, frighteningly quick to anger, very easily over-stimulated, and very neglectful of the baby.  For example, she gave her Gatorade instead of formula at night for the first three months of her life.  She would go for runs around her apartment complex and leave the baby asleep on the bed.  She would bring her to me, saying she'd be back in a few hours and she'd come back a week later, no explanations.  Because of our relationship patterns, I have always been so careful not to upset her.  She has been through a lot and put my parents through a whole lot.  I feel like I'm the last link to her.  If I burn any bridges, we won't know how the baby is, and I'll never hear from her again.

Sorry this is so long.  In October, she moved out of state, and signed a power of attorney allowing me to keep the baby until she "got settled".  I knew if the baby went with her that the neglect would get worse.  So instead of telling her I was worried about her mothering abilities, I made it sound like I wanted to do her a huge favor.  I have to frame everything in how it benefits her.  I had the baby from October til December when her current boyfriend convinced her that I think she's a bad mom and that she needed to take the baby back.  Against my intution, I didn't put up a fight.  I got a call last week, saying her boyfriend threw her out, she had nowhere to go, her truck had been repo'd so she had nowhere to go.  She didn't want to come home, but she needed me to take the baby since she was going to be out of pocket.

I flew out there and went to her house.  Her boyfriend hadn't kicked her out.  They were just fighting.  She spent the whole time acting paranoid that he was going to come back at any time, but at the same time, she hung around instead of leaving straight away, almost like she was hoping he would come back.  She told me the baby (10 months old, remember) had gone to sleep at 530 the night before and it was 230 the next day and she said she hadn't woken up yet.  I went into the baby's room, which reeked of throw up, and the baby had throw up all over her and had clearly not been attended to all night.  There were syringes all over the house (supposedly from her boyfriend's testosterone treatment), there was no formula in the house, Gatorade in her bottle.  We finally got out of there and got a hotel for the night, so the baby and I could fly out the next day.  In the middle of the night, the baby started crying, and my sister starts gritting her teeth and yells "shut the f*** up!"  I was so afraid she was going to hurt the baby.  I gently told her that she was so tired and needed to get some sleep and that I'd take care of the baby.  She then yelled the same thing at me.  I brought the baby back home with me and have had her for almost two weeks now.

She texted me yesterday saying that she's coming to get the baby this coming Friday.  What do I do?  The baby isn't safe, and is being neglected.  She's back together with the boyfriend again, in the same house with the syringes and all.  She's always more neglectful and selfish and dismissive of the baby when there's a guy in the picture.  He has insisted that she come get the baby because I think she's a bad mom and I'm gonna try to take the baby away from her just to hurt her.  What do I do?  Do I try to talk her into leaving the baby a while longer and make it about her needing a break, or do I call CPS, or do nothing?  I don't know what to do.  If I get CPS involved and they don't take the baby away, she'll never speak to me again and no one that loves her will know how she or the baby are doing, and won't be able to help or protect the baby if needed.  I'm at such a loss.  I know this is vague and there are gaps, but I am so sad about the whole story and I'm just at a loss.  Thank you for your insight and for listening.

[Deb]

I think you need to talk to a lawyer ASAP! In addition, posting on the legal baord may give you much more help. I knew my dBPD sister was abusive to her kids and sometimes neglectful when she divorced the father of her 3rd child. The older two, who were on their own by then, asked me to side with their stepdad. I knew that by doing so my sister would never forgive me. And she hasn't. But i am ok with that, especially when I see that now grown child and how well she is doing. Of course, since my sister can NEVER acknowledge wrong doing, she blames me for turning her kids against her. Fine. Whatever.

[Kwamina]

Hi KellyJoGreen

You're in a very difficult situation here. I understand your desire for wanting to help and protect your niece, she's just a baby. BPD is a very difficult disorder to deal with. Your sister was diagnosed about six years ago, has she ever received any targeted treatment for her BPD?

Because of our relationship patterns, I have always been so careful not to upset her.  She has been through a lot and put my parents through a whole lot.  I feel like I'm the last link to her.  If I burn any bridges, we won't know how the baby is, and I'll never hear from her again.

It sounds like you've really been waking on eggshells around your sister. Perhaps it will for you taking a look at an article we have on here about fear, obligation and guilt (FOG). Here's a short excerpt:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Would you say your sister uses fear, obligation and or guilt to control or intimidate others? Has your sister in the past perhaps even directly threatened to keep you away from your niece? You can read the entire article about FOG here:

Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us

I went into the baby's room, which reeked of throw up, and the baby had throw up all over her and had clearly not been attended to all night.  There were syringes all over the house (supposedly from her boyfriend's testosterone treatment), there was no formula in the house, Gatorade in her bottle.  We finally got out of there and got a hotel for the night, so the baby and I could fly out the next day.  In the middle of the night, the baby started crying, and my sister starts gritting her teeth and yells "shut the f*** up!"  I was so afraid she was going to hurt the baby.  I gently told her that she was so tired and needed to get some sleep and that I'd take care of the baby.  She then yelled the same thing at me.  I brought the baby back home with me and have had her for almost two weeks now.

Everything you say here is very concerning and like you makes me worry for your niece's safety and well-being. Do you suspect your sister might have already been physically abusive to your niece?

She texted me yesterday saying that she's coming to get the baby this coming Friday.  What do I do?  The baby isn't safe, and is being neglected.  She's back together with the boyfriend again, in the same house with the syringes and all.

... .

What do I do?  :)o I try to talk her into leaving the baby a while longer and make it about her needing a break, or do I call CPS, or do nothing?  I don't know what to do.  If I get CPS involved and they don't take the baby away, she'll never speak to me again and no one that loves her will know how she or the baby are doing, and won't be able to help or protect the baby if needed.  I'm at such a loss.  I know this is vague and there are gaps, but I am so sad about the whole story and I'm just at a loss.  Thank you for your insight and for listening.

Getting your story out can be quite emotional but I'm very glad you've reached out for support here. How are you feeling today? I understand your fear that if you get CPS involved and they don't take any actions, your sister might not let you see the baby again. But since the baby's safety is at risk here, a change does seem very desirable. Perhaps the first thing you could do is have a clear and honest conversation with your sister about how you view the situation and that you don't wan to put your niece at risk. Communicating with someone who has BPD can be quite challenging (I have an undiagnosed BPD sis so I know too! ), but there are communication techniques that might help you:

Validation

Ending the Cycle of Conflict

S.E.T.: Support Empathy Truth

The acronym S.E.T. stands for support, empathy and truth. It's a technique specifically developed for communication with someone who has BPD. S.E.T. can help you minimize the likelihood of (further) conflict while maximizing the likelihood of getting through to your sister. It can also help you stay calm yourself:

It consists of a 3 step sequence where first Support is signaled, then Empathy is demonstrated and in a third step Truth is offered.

I hope you'll find these resources helpful.

Take care

[Kwamina]

Hi again KellyJoGreen,

How are things now? Did your sister come for the baby?

[funfunctional]

As of right now: you have no rights.     The birth parents unless proven physically abusive with proven documentation of abuse keep their rights. 

It was nice of you to care for the baby but the baby is not yours.  That being said an attorney may be able to help but you got to get to one ASAP.  Like really ASAP!  For abandonment there can be repercussions but then I worry that they could stick the baby in foster care instead of awarding baby to you.   

I am so sorry to hear all your sister's problems and the valiant efforts you have made to fix her and all her mistakes and protect her kids.   I admire that in you.   

Take care and best wishes.