Getting things back on track

[malibu4x]

LOOKING FOR ADVICE.

My wife lost it on me today.  I had a part in it as I was so fed up with her about how she was treating me - I slammed the door and stormed out.   She followed me and let me have it with a verbal barrage. 

I had to go somewhere for an errand and left.  About an hour later, she texts me "are you going to let your pride spoil our fun weekend".   I thought, "well, no" if this is a chance to start making things better I will take it.

I text her back "I'm really sorry about this morning and for getting so angry, and being a jerk"

Her reply "That's it?"

Me "We'll I'd like to come home and speak with you face to face than give an apology while I'm driving home"

Her: "If our relationship were that important to you, you would pull over"

Me - no reply as I was almost home.

I come in and try to smooth things over.   She is not having any of it and I'm the worst husband in the world, etc. and so forth.

We get into a big fight - she is shouting "I hate you!  I hate you!  shouting and starting to cry at the same time.  She ends up leaving the house as she has some errands now.

1hr later - I get text from her:    "Can you please call our friends and let them know we won't be able to go to the activity with their family tonight.  I can't put on a happy face."

Me - "I can take the kids"

Her - "did it ever cross your mind to get a babysitter and take your wife out on a date?     Maybe if you put a little effort into our relationship after a horrible day?"

Me - NO Reply as I started shouting and laughing out loud to myself   "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!"

  (my 7yr old D comes downstairs and asks - "are you OK?"



Now here I am a few hours later -  she has not come home yet.  I'm starting to feel like maybe I should do something for her.  She is expecting me to do something to help HER feel better as she thinks I'm responsible for all of this.  I'm stuck.  I really want to keep the peace and make things right, but I'm feeling like if I do, then I'm just being a pushover and enabling.    I'm so confused, exhausted, and worn down.   Help, please.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

Now here I am a few hours later -  she has not come home yet.  I'm starting to feel like maybe I should do something for her.  She is expecting me to do something to help HER feel better as she thinks I'm responsible for all of this.  I'm stuck.  I really want to keep the peace and make things right, but I'm feeling like if I do, then I'm just being a pushover and enabling.    I'm so confused, exhausted, and worn down.   Help, please.

I'm so sorry that this is happening.  I know how confusing this behavior can be.  I think your answer is in your statement above.  She is "expecting" you to do something to help HER feel better.  That's not your job... .it's hers.  I don't mean to sound harsh, but he feelings are her own.  I hope you have calmer days ahead.

[waverider]

Loosing it the way you did triggered an abandonment issue in her. Proposing to go to the function with the kids instead of being with her fueled this.

What she was reaching out for was reassurances that you are not abandoning her and she was more important than the function. The issue, words, accusations are all side issues and symptoms of her desperate emotions grasping at straws.

Do something with her, simply means putting her No 1, Not necessarily doing anything special.

Yes she maybe have triggered the whole series of events, but any attempt to point that out (at least at this stage) is simply going to up the defensiveness.

The error is in you storming out in such a fashion, there are less destructive ways to leave, and yes you are entitled to leave. You probably have to work on being prepared for these moments.

If I where you I would acknowledge that, and spend sometime with her, but I wouldn't do anything special. You are repairing damage not paying a penitence. Going overboard in either reparations or apologies will indeed be enabling. What you did was not the best but it was understandable. Non of us are perfect and we have our overload buttons.

[malibu4x]

Thank you both for the replies.  Very helpful!