Backstabbing MIL

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, I am having trouble coping with my feelings at the moment and would love some supportive words, tips, tactics in order to help me move forward through these emotions.  My (undiagnosed BPD) MIL's backstabbing is really grating on me at the moment.  Lately she is constantly backstabbing my brother-in-law's partner and her mother and brother to my husband and I, every time we see her (when they are not around) she goes on and on about them because she's at their house nearly every day helping to look after their kids.  But the thing is, when we're all together, she treats them like GOLD and bascially kicks my husband and I to the curb.  I don't backstab and I am not two faced.  I have strong ethics and values and this behaviour is sickening me and it goes against everything that I believe.  Does she not feel bad when she faces these people, after saying so many mean things about them behind their back?  Thank you in advance. 

[veronica lodge]

Hi, I am having trouble coping with my feelings at the moment and would love some supportive words, tips, tactics in order to help me move forward through these emotions.  My (undiagnosed BPD) MIL's backstabbing is really grating on me at the moment.  Lately she is constantly backstabbing my brother-in-law's partner and her mother and brother to my husband and I, every time we see her (when they are not around) she goes on and on about them because she's at their house nearly every day helping to look after their kids.  But the thing is, when we're all together, she treats them like GOLD and bascially kicks my husband and I to the curb.  I don't backstab and I am not two faced.  I have strong ethics and values and this behaviour is sickening me and it goes against everything that I believe.  Does she not feel bad when she faces these people, after saying so many mean things about them behind their back?  Thank you in advance. 

[clljhns]

  veronica lodge,

every time we see her (when they are not around) she goes on and on about them because she's at their house nearly every day helping to look after their kids.  But the thing is, when we're all together, she treats them like GOLD and bascially kicks my husband and I to the curb

I am so sorry that you are put in the middle like this by MIL. How do you and H respond when MIL starts talking about BIL's partner, partners mother, and brother? I know this situation all too well. My uBPDmom would talk badly about my sisters and their husband's to me. I used to sit in silence, speechless from what she was saying. I did finally set boundaries with her, which took me repeating several times before she finally stopped talking about them to me. I also realized that she must be talking about me and my spouse behind my back. Which I found out years later from my sisters that this was the case.

I would suggest you go the glossary (at the top of the home page) and read the articles on boundaries. I have included the link here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries. You might also want to read some of the articles on communication.

Does she not feel bad when she faces these people, after saying so many mean things about them behind their back?

This is a good question. I am not sure that a BPD is capable of empathy. It seems that whatever they are experiencing in the moment is what they go with. If that means spewing hurtful words, or gossiping, it is just what they do. They tend to see themselves as the sun of their universe.

Wishing you all the best. 

[veronica lodge]

Thank you very much for your reply.  I will definitely go on that link.  My husband and I go very quiet and just sit there when she goes on her rampage, we don't respond as we don't want to cause any trouble but I guess that's not really helping at all because she still has an audience.  I really do need to set some boundaries up.

[clljhns]

 

Glad you are here! It will take some time to establish and enforce boundaries with MIL, but you can do it!

Let us know what you find helpful in the articles.

Wishing you all the best. 

[waverider]

Hi Veronica

You might find this an interesting read;

An Overview of the Drama Triangle

it is very likely your MIL has BPD traits. At least this type of family background could play a part in your wife's disorder.

There is not a lot you can do about it except stay out of it.

Talking of MIL's mine has started to resent me, or at least thats the feeling i get (as per your case its all backstabbing), as the more I have been able to cope with BPD RS, it looks like I am thriving where she has totally failed with coping with her daughters illness. Be prepared for this, these kinds of parents dont like to be seen as less than perfect.

[veronica lodge]

Thank you to all of you, it is very helpful to know that there are people out there to help.  I will have a look into the links on my lunch break today.