Does it ever get better?

[hope]

I apologise if this is long and confusing but since I found this group I find it helps to discuss things with people that understand and may be able to help.

In other posts I have spoken about us dealing with illness in the family and how my SIL seems to be actively dividing the family. The person I had previously referred to passed away last week and we are now caring for her partner as well as dealing with all of the appropriate arrangements. In the middle of all of this my SIL has been making things incredibly difficult. I won’t list all of the things she has done over the past weeks but probably the worst and most calculated was when, the day after our relative passed, my SIL rang in a frenzy that my FIL had had a household accident and fractured his ankle and she had to race to his aid as there were all of these tasks that he and my MIL had to have done that weekend. My husband was shocked as he had been speaking to his father that morning and he was fine. He rang him again and was told that he hadn’t had an accident and didn’t have an injured ankle and there were really no pressing tasks that needed doing.

My SIL later called at the home of the bereaved partner who we were staying with to spend 10 minutes to give her condolences and mainly spoke about herself and how tired she was and then she, with the backup of her (NPD) partner began to relate the story of why they were rushing to her father’s assistance and even details of the accident. When my husband pointed out that he had been talking to his father and that as far as he was aware, no accident had happened they didn’t really even really acknowledge what he had said. They did look a little uncomfortable but the subject was quickly changed. The person we were caring for turned to me and whispered “stories more stories”.

We later discovered the real reason for their rushed visit was to give her parents, who live out of town, the key to her house so that when they came to the funeral the next week they could go straight to her place and wait for her to get home from work, and not call to see us and the bereaved partner. It is times like that when I am convinced that her mother has the same tendencies and they appear to somehow override her father’s wishes with their manipulation and lies.

When my husband found that they were at her place he asked his father and aunty (who is also from out of town and who travelled with them) to come around and see us. His father wanted to but she had organised a family get together with her children as one of them couldn’t attend the funeral the next day. She had already ordered dinner and it apparently wasn’t convenient. My husband then offered to come around after dinner and collect his father and aunty and bring them for a visit but instead she interrupted and said was going to bring everyone (10 people) there around. No doubt so her father could not be alone with his son. We declined as by now the bereaved partner was distraught at the thought that two of the people they wanted to spend time with alone were being kept from them and they could not face a house full of people the night before the funeral. Even at the funeral either her or her mother interrupted any of us speaking to him and dominated conversations. I looked across the room at one point and made eye contact and began to walk over and my SIL immediately rushed over to him and addressing him as "daddykins" prevented our conversation even beginning. (That leads me to another question - is the use of baby talk somehow related to BPD as both her mother and her use it regularly? One is 55 and the other 79 years old. Words like bubby, bubs, daddykins and many other in a tone like some people talk to babies).

Can anyone please explain to me why when you need help and need the family, the BPD person(s) springs into action and creates so much tension and upheaval? They distract everyone from the real problems to draw all of the attention to them. I am amazed at the lengths the BPD went to ensuring that once again they had control of the relationships in the family. 

[Restored2]

Hi hope.  Welcome back to this very supportive family!  First of all, my sincere condolences to you concerning the recent passing on of your loved one who you had previously referred to.   They were obviously a very special person to you.

What you appear to be experiencing is selfish manipulative behavioral traits.  This is not what you need at any time, but especially immediately after the passing on of a loved one.

Attention seeking seems to be more of a narcissistic (NPD) trait.  I am unable to provide any insights on the "baby talk" issue, as this is foreign to me.  I will let others weigh in on this one for you.

[claudiaduffy]

My uBPDmil uses baby-talk type nicknames for people frequently. It always creeps me out. My own uBPDmom doesn't do baby talk, but she does try to worm her way into using nicknames she's overheard (I have a friend who calls me by my first initial; my mom overheard that and decided she wanted to call me that too) and into making up nicknames for herself for others to use. Drives me crazy! It all feels like forced and fake fondness/closeness/assertion of motherhood and dominion over whoever she wants.

[clljhns]

Hi Hope,

My deepest sympathy on the passing of your loved one. I don't have any insight into why your SIL uses baby talk, but I have a similar situation with strange and manipulative behavior by a family member after the passing of my nephew. My oldest sister, who had been estranged from my S52, was invited by my sister to join us in another state to receive the body of her son. He was only 26 when he was killed in Irag, and this was completely devastating to my S52 and the rest of the family. We picked up my oldest sister from the airport, and then commenced the most bizarre string of events. I won't go into all of the details of what transpired over the next two days, but needless to say, my oldest sister attempted to keep the focus on  herself the entire time, and even told my S52 that she just didn't know how she was going to be able to take the loss of her nephew. She even asked my S52 to go and make her waffles for breakfast!

Can anyone please explain to me why when you need help and need the family, the BPD person(s) springs into action and creates so much tension and upheaval?

I agree with Restored2, it sounds like classic narcissistic behavior. It also sounds like people in your family are familiar with her  egocentric behavior. I wish I had a better answer here. I don't think there is any logical explanation for why SIL behaved the way she did. I am only speculating, but I would imagine that SIL created the chaos out of a need to feel wanted and needed by the family. It seems to me that when she steam rolled into the situation, she had a plan that centered around her. Thereby making herself indispensable and the most important person there.

Sending you hugs during your time of loss. 

[hope]

Thank you all for your kind words and understanding. I am also sorry for your loss clljhns and the extra stress that you and your family were subjected to. Whilst I cannot begin to imagine your grief, I can at least empathise with the additional distress you suffered, inflicted by BPD family members in difficult times.

Many of the comments are reassuring as for many years I felt that I was perhaps oversensitive or just had personality differences with my SIL/MIL. More of the family and friends are also starting to comment on the inappropriate behaviour as it seems to be escalating since her new NPD partner arrived.

The comment “it all feels like forced and fake fondness /closeness/ assertion of motherhood and dominion over whoever she wants” sums up my SIL and at times MIL perfectly. Interestingly, one of my nephews made a comment recently when his new wife was complaining about something my SIL (her MIL) had done. He said "I guess when you're brought up with it you don't notice it so much". My husband has made similar comments over the years but he is beginning to not tolerate so much anymore.

It is so reassuring to communicate with people who know what it’s like to live with BPD in the family. Thanks again.

[clljhns]

Hi hope

Glad you found it helpful and thank you for your condolences. 

Have you come up with a plan the next time you have to encounter MIL and SIL?

Wishes you all the best.

[hope]

The most obvious strategy is to avoid them as much as possible. We do see a lot less of them than in the past but some family gatherings are unavoidable. It would be easy to stay away from them completely if it was just the two of them and her partner but I really like my FIL and it is sad the way that staying away from them means we don’t see as much of him. It is also hard for my husband and son as they would love to spend more time with their father/grandfather. I realise my FIL could have asserted himself more, and years ago he did, but now that there are essentially three manipulating one, it is very difficult for him to fight back.

When I am in their presence I don’t go out of my way to be as nice to them as I would have in the past. I have a saying that I have said to my husband on a number of occasions – “every time that I have extended the hand of friendship to them, it gets bitten” (corny but accurate). On the last two occasions that I had to be near them, one of them the funeral, I spent most of my time talking to any other people who were present. I particularly avoid being alone with them as I protect myself by making sure I have witnesses to all conversations.

And, of course, I now have access to this very supportive group which has been fantastic.

[clljhns]

HI hope,

It sounds like you have come up with the best plan for the situation. We are here to support you. Did you happen to read any of the articles on communication? Check out the glossary on these communication tools. I have included the link here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

Let us know how you are doing. 

All the best. 

[hope]

As I have done before, I will print out this information and refer to it when necessary and I will definitely check out the link. Knowledge and reliable information helps to build confidence. Thanks again