I can't sleep and I need advice

[WhoMe51]

My dBPDgf and I have been getting along great.  She is in therapy and it seems to be working.  She has admitted where she was wrong in the relationship and she told me that she is to blame for a lot of the problems in our relationship.  Which I thought was a major breakthrough.  Because before, she would just blame me for everything that would go wrong.  This is just one thing that she is doing better at.  She then started talking about getting married again.  In the past this petrified her and she would never talk about it.  We were engaged to be married at one time, but I called it off because she cheated emotionally on me and I wanted to work through our issues before we got married.  That was almost 3 yrs ago.  And we have been together ever since.  A few breakups here and there but we always seemed to get back together.  And now we have been together for some time and we have been talking about marriage again.  So I bought a ring and kept waiting for the right time to ask her.  And so I asked her yesterday.  She didn't respond.  She just stared at me with this blank face and curled up on the couch.  She told me that she felt empty when just before she said she wanted to get married.  I wanted to crawl under a rock.  I felt rejected once again.  She refused to look at the ring.  And then later we had sex?  But after sex, she looked at the ring and put it on.  She said I spent too much money on it and didn't seem happy.  I left to go to my home a little while later.  When I got home, she texted me a short time later and told me she put it on social media and everyone liked it.  At that moment I felt like it was all about the image and what everyone else thought.  And since everyone approved it was all right with her.  What I'm asking is, do I tell her I felt rejected?  At this moment, I feel like I made a mistake.  I feel like I made a mistake because of her lack of response.  I thought she would be happy.  But it seems it was just for show.  I asked her because I love her and wanted to be in her life.  I just feel confused again.  Any advice will be greatly appreciated. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

 

Congrats on making a commitment.  It sounds like you wanted a response that your gf may not ever give you.  Expect nothing and you'll never be disappointed.  I know that sounds a bit cold, but the reality is that when we expect someone to behave a certain way we set ourselves up for being let down.  Remember... .this is a person who has extreme difficulties with emotions.  If you bring up the hurt you feel it may open a Pandora's box... .or not.  At least know that you can vent to the people here without fear of retribution 

[Cat Familiar]

WhoMe,

I'm so sorry the response to your marriage proposal was so disheartening.    As you know with a pwBPD, behavior can certainly be unpredictable. I think that making the commitment formal probably triggered lots of emotions and started a bit of dysregulation. On the plus side, she did want to have sex, then she posted a photo and her friends liked the ring.

PwBPD often don't know what to think and need others to share their opinions. My husband, who otherwise can be really decisive, can turn into a small insecure child sometimes and need other's opinions, either to bolster his choice or to be in opposition to what he thinks.

Marriage is a very big step and I know you were hoping for a thrilled, joyful response. I'm sorry you didn't get that, but you did get a positive response, though it came in tiny increments.   

[WhoMe51]

Cat & Rockylove,

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I felt really depressed yesterday because of the reaction she gave. I guess I should have expected it. And then I felt down on myself for asking her to marry me. I asked her when she told me she wanted to break up. I have my own abandonment issues too. I do love her but I wish now that I hadn't of re-enforced her break up behavior. I lost my focus for a moment. I'm not sure what to do at this point. A part of me wants to talk to her and a part of me doesn't. I had bought the ring ahead of time to give to her when things were good but I panicked and proposed to her when she wanted to break up. In these relationships there are so many what ifs? Sometimes it's really confusing to me. I'm not for sure what my next move will be. Still trying to make sense of it.

[Notwendy]

One thing to consider is that engagement is a time to consider the permanent decision to get married. During an engagement, either party is free to end the r/s without the legal entanglement of marriage.

You are feeling doubts. Make note of that. You may resolve them or not. Condider keeping some sort of journal or a way to keep track of your feelings. Whatever you decide, your emotions are your way of telling yourself something. If you are not in counseling, you may want to consider that to help you process your feelings, your own triggers and abandenment issues in order to have a better relationship with everyone you are connected to regardless of how this turns out.

The seeking reassurance from random people isn't unusual. PwBPD have a poor sense of self and seek affirmation from others. It can be quite odd- seeking affirmation from people they barely know. Your fiancee could be quite thrilled, but uncertain until she sees how others feel, or even what to say. I could give my mother ( with BPD)  advice on something that I researched and she could reject it until someone she runs into- a cab driver, a neighbor- says the same thing. I wouldn't take it personally.

[WhoMe51]

I went to my therapist yesterday. She told me to stop saying I messed up and stop beating myself up. That I simply made a mistake if that's how I felt. She told me to give it some time and maybe things will be different. I have been reading the posts on the staying board and I have to admit that I'm a little scared of the future. I feel like I got caught up in the emotions and fantasy while being with her. My therapist also told me that she will help me with my abandonment and being alone issues. And given my history with my dBPDgf that most likely she will do something to cause chaos soon. I feel so low today. I know that if these feelings persist, I can call it off. But on the other side I will be causing her more pain and I can't stand the thought of it. I feel like I made mess of things.