Do they ever contact you again out of the Blue?

[Reecer1588]

My entire story is posted down on this thread entitled "She is trying to ruin my life" [L3]Well after accusing me of being "immature, clingy, overbearing, childish, that i belittle her, disrespect her, make inappropriate jokes, etc"

My uBPDexgf said that she was "fing done with me" multiple times (she went on to make me feel worse than dirt for a long time after saying that... .Details in my other post)

Anyways she was the one who initiated the NC. It's been 17 days now. My question is: Usually with BPD people, even if they say they are done over and over, after a period of time do they usually come back? Or should I expect her never to contact me again? I am only asking for preparation purposes. I completely do not want her in my life again.

Also it should be noted that for fear of a harassment lawsuit she threatened on me, I have no ability whatsoever to contact her first.

[nowwhatz]

My entire story is posted down on this thread entitled "She is trying to ruin my life" [L3]Well after accusing me of being "immature, clingy, overbearing, childish, that i belittle her, disrespect her, make inappropriate jokes, etc"

My uBPDexgf said that she was "fing done with me" multiple times (she went on to make me feel worse than dirt for a long time after saying that... .Details in my other post)

Anyways she was the one who initiated the NC. It's been 17 days now. My question is: Usually with BPD people, even if they say they are done over and over, after a period of time do they usually come back? Or should I expect her never to contact me again? I am only asking for preparation purposes. I completely do not want her in my life again.

Also it should be noted that for fear of a harassment lawsuit she threatened on me, I have no ability whatsoever to contact her first.

Yes. When do they not contact out of the blue?  A couple of years back mine threatened a restraining order (which she would never have gotten) and was immediatly back in contact apologizing etc.   At least in my experience she has never stopped contacting me out of the blue and I expect this to continue for as long as she or I are alive.

[Reecer1588]

My entire story is posted down on this thread entitled "She is trying to ruin my life" [L3]Well after accusing me of being "immature, clingy, overbearing, childish, that i belittle her, disrespect her, make inappropriate jokes, etc"

My uBPDexgf said that she was "fing done with me" multiple times (she went on to make me feel worse than dirt for a long time after saying that... .Details in my other post)

Anyways she was the one who initiated the NC. It's been 17 days now. My question is: Usually with BPD people, even if they say they are done over and over, after a period of time do they usually come back? Or should I expect her never to contact me again? I am only asking for preparation purposes. I completely do not want her in my life again.

Also it should be noted that for fear of a harassment lawsuit she threatened on me, I have no ability whatsoever to contact her first.

Yes. When do they not contact out of the blue?  A couple of years back mine threatened a restraining order (which she would never have gotten) and was immediatly back in contact apologizing etc.   At least in my experience she has never stopped contacting me out of the blue and I expect this to continue for as long as she or I are alive.

What is the longest amount of time it took for her to break contact with you then resume it?

[jammo1989]

Hey Reecer, haven't posted on this forum for a long time as Ive fully healed from my crazy ex

To answer your question, a lot of things need to be taken into consideration when it comes to whether or not they will contwct you again.  BPDs tend to indulge in destructive behaviour to distract themselves from their own inner turmoils AKA the feeling of rejection and abandonment.  So with this in mind, if there's a new guy on the scene and she's attached herself to him then don't expect any contact until the honeymoon period is over or he abandons her.  She will then then obsessively search for new supply, and with you being an ex theres a good chance she will try and reach out to you.

If she does reach out she WILL pull and push you (come here go away) she will do this after a few months in the hope you have at least forgiven her.  Furthermore, because of her impulsive behaviour expect her to call you or call on a withheld number just to see if you can still be available when needed (baiting).  She may call you, then block you because she fears you will reject her when she reaches out, so she will bait to see if you pull at the line (think of a fisherman) and if you do reply she will back off again.  This will only mess your head up, stay away trust me you will feel back to normal like me in a few months.

3rd reason, if she's more of the NPD/HPD type their false ego will stop them from ever contacting you again, they already have a damaged ego, so they hide behind a fake one.  furthermore, these types will only reach out only to kick you down again, if they feel power over you it makes them feel strong and yes they get a kick out of hurting others, just like BPDs they are severely sick.

If you want me to give you a run down about how my ex acted after we broke up I can share my experience, trust me its gets easier and when you realise what really went on you will other laugh or quiver at the sheer thought of her.

[Reecer1588]

Hey Reecer, haven't posted on this forum for a long time as Ive fully healed from my crazy ex

To answer your question, a lot of things need to be taken into consideration when it comes to whether or not they will contwct you again.  BPDs tend to indulge in destructive behaviour to distract themselves from their own inner turmoils AKA the feeling of rejection and abandonment.  So with this in mind, if there's a new guy on the scene and she's attached herself to him then don't expect any contact until the honeymoon period is over or he abandons her.  She will then then obsessively search for new supply, and with you being an ex theres a good chance she will try and reach out to you.

If she does reach out she WILL pull and push you (come here go away) she will do this after a few months in the hope you have at least forgiven her.  Furthermore, because of her impulsive behaviour expect her to call you or call on a withheld number just to see if you can still be available when needed (baiting).  She may call you, then block you because she fears you will reject her when she reaches out, so she will bait to see if you pull at the line (think of a fisherman) and if you do reply she will back off again.  This will only mess your head up, stay away trust me you will feel back to normal like me in a few months.

3rd reason, if she's more of the NPD/HPD type their false ego will stop them from ever contacting you again, they already have a damaged ego, so they hide behind a fake one.  furthermore, these types will only reach out only to kick you down again, if they feel power over you it makes them feel strong and yes they get a kick out of hurting others, just like BPDs they are severely sick.

If you want me to give you a run down about how my ex acted after we broke up I can share my experience, trust me its gets easier and when you realise what really went on you will other laugh or quiver at the sheer thought of her.

Since she goes to a different college and I have absolutely no way to know what she is up to, I have no idea whether she has found a replacement or not. Is it not usual at all for a BPD to just go cold and leave you without finding a replacement?

Thank you for the insight, I would love to hear more about your ex. If you want to know more about how to relate it to me, my other thread "she is trying to ruin my life" has all the relevant info.

[BorisAcusio]

Yes, every 1,5 months.

[Reecer1588]

Yes, every 1,5 months.

That is very specific. That puts me about a third of the way to her next contact.

Why so specific?

[llor]

I expect this to continue for as long as she or I are alive.

This is was I am getting ready for. Had to block her phone number, block her from Facebook, change a few e-mail addresses I had. The only place she can contact me is at work via mail (sadly the divorce papers are not signed yet) and since e-mail are monitored there, I know she will keep it civil.

[paperlung]

If she does reach out she WILL pull and push you (come here go away) she will do this after a few months in the hope you have at least forgiven her.  Furthermore, because of her impulsive behaviour expect her to call you or call on a withheld number just to see if you can still be available when needed (baiting).  She may call you, then block you because she fears you will reject her when she reaches out, so she will bait to see if you pull at the line (think of a fisherman) and if you do reply she will back off again.  This will only mess your head up, stay away trust me you will feel back to normal like me in a few months.

I can confirm this. My ex would contact me out of the blue basically every time she had just got out of a relationship.

[BorisAcusio]

Yes, every 1,5 months.

That is very specific. That puts me about a third of the way to her next contact.

Why so specific?

Only a coincidence. A chain of unsuitable supply, life events, triggering holidays. The frequency will diminish with time, or as soon as she finds proper supply.

[JRT]

Mine did a disappearing act 5 months ago... .I have been blocked from contact in every conceivable fashion... .she went as far as to block me on social media, unfriend my friends and convince hers that they should do the same (successfully). I called her from the unblocked hotel phone that I was staying at... .this and another such call resulted in a letter from a lawyer threatening a PPO and a call from the cops (on xmas eve!).

mine is not narcissistic (as far as I know) ad I don't think that she has a replacement (I suspect that her disordered son, who moved back in with her is her supply). While I DID catch her stalking me red handed on FB, I have not heard boo from her at all.

[rlhmm]

here's how its gone with me 6 months post b/u. up to 2 weeks initially begs me, sends crazy texts to take her back and threatening me, " you're lucky i let you live" and "this gun i carry is for you" etc. (she doesn't even like guns) she finds replacement, shortly after all stops. we block eachother on fb and email. i shut her phone off, texting stops... 2 months no contact, i break it with the overwhelming urge to get answers and closure so i show up at her work at quitting time to talk to her, she goes into anxiety mode, makes a scene, wont talk, repeats to me "i'll scream!" mind you., i've never raised so much as an eyebrow at her our entire three years, but now i'm an unthinkable threat and she's making a scene and being completely irrational as i'm speaking to her in a calm voice at her car door... .a passerby takes my attention for a second to explain that everything is ok and by the time i turn back i'm being pepper sprayed. door slams shut, i tell her through the door that she just assaulted someone she loved and i never want to see her again! she speeds off. fast forward to december... .i get an email from the resort that we loved to spend time at that she has made reservations for xmas. (that's where i took her for our first xmas together,and our special getaway... .how sick) forgetful oversight or cruel gesture... .you decide... .i didnt acknowledge her, i called the resort to have my email removed from her reservation account. problem solved but had to deal with those feelings until that time passed. thank god for good friends! new years eve, i go to a gig that my friend is throwing which i had been invited to months in advance. i show up and 2 hours later she walks in with the replacement. they are informed that i'm there and were asked to leave, they refuse, i walk up and say my piece, she says nothing gets up with head down and bolts for the bathroom... .the replacement remains seated at the bar hand on drink looking forward and silent. ( he later told my friend i scared him) i decide that i need to leave so as not to waste my new years celebration by sitting in a jail cell. i was told they left shortly after as well... .  (interesting since the entertainment left, ie me.) mid feb... .i get an email from a website called "linked in" that she's on asking me to join her "network". again, i dont respond... i click on unsubscribe and delete the email.   hopefully thats it... .that should be all shouldn't it?     

[Reecer1588]

here's how its gone with me 6 months post b/u. up to 2 weeks initially begs me, sends crazy texts to take her back and threatening me, " you're lucky i let you live" and "this gun i carry is for you" etc. (she doesn't even like guns) she finds replacement, shortly after all stops. we block eachother on fb and email. i shut her phone off, texting stops... 2 months no contact, i break it with the overwhelming urge to get answers and closure so i show up at her work at quitting time to talk to her, she goes into anxiety mode, makes a scene, wont talk, repeats to me "i'll scream!" mind you., i've never raised so much as an eyebrow at her our entire three years, but now i'm an unthinkable threat and she's making a scene and being completely irrational as i'm speaking to her in a calm voice at her car door... .a passerby takes my attention for a second to explain that everything is ok and by the time i turn back i'm being pepper sprayed. door slams shut, i tell her through the door that she just assaulted someone she loved and i never want to see her again! she speeds off. fast forward to december... .i get an email from the resort that we loved to spend time at that she has made reservations for xmas. (that's where i took her for our first xmas together,and our special getaway... .how sick) forgetful oversight or cruel gesture... .you decide... .i didnt acknowledge her, i called the resort to have my email removed from her reservation account. problem solved but had to deal with those feelings until that time passed. thank god for good friends! new years eve, i go to a gig that my friend is throwing which i had been invited to months in advance. i show up and 2 hours later she walks in with the replacement. they are informed that i'm there and were asked to leave, they refuse, i walk up and say my piece, she says nothing gets up with head down and bolts for the bathroom... .the replacement remains seated at the bar hand on drink looking forward and silent. ( he later told my friend i scared him) i decide that i need to leave so as not to waste my new years celebration by sitting in a jail cell. i was told they left shortly after as well... .  (interesting since the entertainment left, ie me.) mid feb... .i get an email from a website called "linked in" that she's on asking me to join her "network". again, i dont respond... i click on unsubscribe and delete the email.   hopefully thats it... .that should be all shouldn't it?     

And I thought my high school sweethear turned college nightmare was bad.

[jammo1989]

Hey Reecer, haven't posted on this forum for a long time as Ive fully healed from my crazy ex

To answer your question, a lot of things need to be taken into consideration when it comes to whether or not they will contwct you again.  BPDs tend to indulge in destructive behaviour to distract themselves from their own inner turmoils AKA the feeling of rejection and abandonment.  So with this in mind, if there's a new guy on the scene and she's attached herself to him then don't expect any contact until the honeymoon period is over or he abandons her.  She will then then obsessively search for new supply, and with you being an ex theres a good chance she will try and reach out to you.

If she does reach out she WILL pull and push you (come here go away) she will do this after a few months in the hope you have at least forgiven her.  Furthermore, because of her impulsive behaviour expect her to call you or call on a withheld number just to see if you can still be available when needed (baiting).  She may call you, then block you because she fears you will reject her when she reaches out, so she will bait to see if you pull at the line (think of a fisherman) and if you do reply she will back off again.  This will only mess your head up, stay away trust me you will feel back to normal like me in a few months.

3rd reason, if she's more of the NPD/HPD type their false ego will stop them from ever contacting you again, they already have a damaged ego, so they hide behind a fake one.  furthermore, these types will only reach out only to kick you down again, if they feel power over you it makes them feel strong and yes they get a kick out of hurting others, just like BPDs they are severely sick.

If you want me to give you a run down about how my ex acted after we broke up I can share my experience, trust me its gets easier and when you realise what really went on you will other laugh or quiver at the sheer thought of her.

Since she goes to a different college and I have absolutely no way to know what she is up to, I have no idea whether she has found a replacement or not. Is it not usual at all for a BPD to just go cold and leave you without finding a replacement?

Thank you for the insight, I would love to hear more about your ex. If you want to know more about how to relate it to me, my other thread "she is trying to ruin my life" has all the relevant info.

I'm not going to tarnish every single Cluster B with the same brush, but a very high percent of them always have a back up supply.  Remember Reece, BPD is an attachment disorder, she attaches to a source of supply, mirrors there hobbies and intrests, the guy then praises her for being amazing, the BPD feeds off the compliments and in return not only does it boost her ego, but it also fulfills the low self worth but this is only short term.  The mask will eventually fall off and this is where the BPD comes to the surface, what you don't know at the time is this:

She was manipulating you to make sure that you would never leave.  For example, the more she worships you at the beginning the more likely are you to not abandon her, so she sets the scene, she will have zero boundaries towards you, she controls you because to her controlling others is her way of feeling in control herself, I just like yourself were simply door mats, you will realise this when the fog rises that I promise you!

A very brief history of my ex in regards relating to your specific question:

Together 2 years, faked pregnancy, then because she threatened to keep it, I stood up to her, she then faked an abortion, texting me saying I killed our baby and that it was my fault she was drivking and crying everyday.

She dumps me after I accuse her of flirting on Facebook, she blocks me on FB and my number, the guy sleeps at her house the day after and they were Facebook official 3 days after she broke up with me.

She purposely gets pregnant 2 months into her new relationship (she was on the coil) she's 24 never worked and has 2 kids as it is, now she's on her 3rd.

Now in regards to your question... .

As I stated above she blocked me on everything, 5 months passes of NC, one night 4 weeks ago I looked at my phone and I had a missed FaceTime call from her (yes I freaked out) I rang back, only to find my number was still blocked.

I emailed her 2 weeks later saying you facetimed me what's up?

Her reply: no I didn't face time you as I haven't used FaceTime for months, nothing's up, you ok? (Trying to start a conversation with me)

I replied with a print screen of the missed call, her reply:

Oh right I'm really sorry about that

And I left the conversation there, I took control, by not carrying on the conversation and not replying to her.

Now 4 days after this I recieved a no caller I.D call at 8pm on Saturdsy night, I picked up 6 seconds of silence and they hung up.  I know for a fact this was her solely because unknown calls are international spam calls, I have a spam caller app on my iphone and it was at 8pm on a Saturday, and the fact they didn't leave a voice Mail makes me almost certain it was her.  This is all after 6 months of NC.

She's done all this to test the waters and to see my reaction, it is also down to get impulsive behaviour, I want to reach out to him but I'm scared her will reject me, I know her mind set.  All this while she's posting about how excited she is about being pregnant.  

The fact she begged me for a baby then got pregnant 3 months later clearly states that she was only fixated on having a baby, the new guy is merely a sperm donar, and that she would have got pregnant with Nyone as long as her needs were met.

So yeah they are all the same, some worse than others my advice to you get the ___ out of there, they are children trapped in their past traumas wanting to be rescued, if they won't help them self then why should we help them?

[Reecer1588]

Jammo, It looks like my uBPDexgf doesn't have a bright future ahead of her. She's 19 and in college now. She is absolutely obsessed with horses, always has been. She always thought she wanted to be an equine vet, well as it turns out, naw no more. Then she wanted to work in the ag industry. Naw, no more. Her latest thing was "well I want to become a teacher", well my sister, who has a masters in both psych and speech pathology, actually did become an elementary school teacher, and let me tell you, she said it wasn't easy. My uBPDexgf said for over 1 year "I'm going to get a job", always said she would, she never did. She doesn't have a good track record of commitments and responsibilities. She admitted herself that her dad only "had about half my college paid for", so she'll either actually have to get a job in the future to pay for school, or IDK, I guess drop out.

Is this lack of commitment and promising to do things that they never end up doing common in people with BPD?

[JRT]

Is this lack of commitment and promising to do things that they never end up doing common in people with BPD?

Mine made TONS of statements regarding she was going to do this that or the next thing... .none of which she did. I'm surprised that she not only earned a bachelors but also an MBA (though it was a scaled down weekend program for both).

[jammo1989]

Jammo, It looks like my uBPDexgf doesn't have a bright future ahead of her. She's 19 and in college now. She is absolutely obsessed with horses, always has been. She always thought she wanted to be an equine vet, well as it turns out, naw no more. Then she wanted to work in the ag industry. Naw, no more. Her latest thing was "well I want to become a teacher", well my sister, who has a masters in both psych and speech pathology, actually did become an elementary school teacher, and let me tell you, she said it wasn't easy. My uBPDexgf said for over 1 year "I'm going to get a job", always said she would, she never did. She doesn't have a good track record of commitments and responsibilities. She admitted herself that her dad only "had about half my college paid for", so she'll either actually have to get a job in the future to pay for school, or IDK, I guess drop out.

Is this lack of commitment and promising to do things that they never end up doing common in people with BPD?

BPD is yet again based on impulsive behaviour, it is often mis diagnosed by therapists for Bi- Polar.  BPDs are children trapped in adult bodies, they lack a sense of self this resulting in not knowing who they are, this is why they mirror others to feel a sense of self.  The reason why she won't commit to a job is solely down to a faulty thought process.  For example, you as a NON start a job and you learn to adapt to the job you learn the skills needed to succeed.  Where as, a BPD can't control their thoughts, one day she might say I want to be a Dr then when she is faced with the pressure and skills needed to fulfill this role they run.  Another great example with BPDs is money, my ex hated the fact I was working, because she wanted all my attention, but at the same time would moan that she was always skint.  She also wanted a baby but when faced with the bigger picture of needing to work to support the potential child she would lash out and play the victim role.  They don't know who they are this is why they will never accomplish anything in life.

[Reecer1588]

Jammo, It looks like my uBPDexgf doesn't have a bright future ahead of her. She's 19 and in college now. She is absolutely obsessed with horses, always has been. She always thought she wanted to be an equine vet, well as it turns out, naw no more. Then she wanted to work in the ag industry. Naw, no more. Her latest thing was "well I want to become a teacher", well my sister, who has a masters in both psych and speech pathology, actually did become an elementary school teacher, and let me tell you, she said it wasn't easy. My uBPDexgf said for over 1 year "I'm going to get a job", always said she would, she never did. She doesn't have a good track record of commitments and responsibilities. She admitted herself that her dad only "had about half my college paid for", so she'll either actually have to get a job in the future to pay for school, or IDK, I guess drop out.

Is this lack of commitment and promising to do things that they never end up doing common in people with BPD?

BPD is yet again based on impulsive behaviour, it is often mis diagnosed by therapists for Bi- Polar.  BPDs are children trapped in adult bodies, they lack a sense of self this resulting in not knowing who they are, this is why they mirror others to feel a sense of self.  The reason why she won't commit to a job is solely down to a faulty thought process.  For example, you as a NON start a job and you learn to adapt to the job you learn the skills needed to succeed.  Where as, a BPD can't control their thoughts, one day she might say I want to be a Dr then when she is faced with the pressure and skills needed to fulfill this role they run.  Another great example with BPDs is money, my ex hated the fact I was working, because she wanted all my attention, but at the same time would moan that she was always skint.  She also wanted a baby but when faced with the bigger picture of needing to work to support the potential child she would lash out and play the victim role.  They don't know who they are this is why they will never accomplish anything in life.

I asked this in a different thread: But my uBPDexgf doesn't drink, gamble, didn't let me have sex with her until well into our relationship, she has never been to a real party, rave, etc.

She's only a freshman in college (19), and her really nasty BPD behavior only surfaced recently, so I suppose it's possible she will start acting out. I won't know about it though since she has totally shut me out.

[jammo1989]

Jammo, It looks like my uBPDexgf doesn't have a bright future ahead of her. She's 19 and in college now. She is absolutely obsessed with horses, always has been. She always thought she wanted to be an equine vet, well as it turns out, naw no more. Then she wanted to work in the ag industry. Naw, no more. Her latest thing was "well I want to become a teacher", well my sister, who has a masters in both psych and speech pathology, actually did become an elementary school teacher, and let me tell you, she said it wasn't easy. My uBPDexgf said for over 1 year "I'm going to get a job", always said she would, she never did. She doesn't have a good track record of commitments and responsibilities. She admitted herself that her dad only "had about half my college paid for", so she'll either actually have to get a job in the future to pay for school, or IDK, I guess drop out.

Is this lack of commitment and promising to do things that they never end up doing common in people with BPD?

BPD is yet again based on impulsive behaviour, it is often mis diagnosed by therapists for Bi- Polar.  BPDs are children trapped in adult bodies, they lack a sense of self this resulting in not knowing who they are, this is why they mirror others to feel a sense of self.  The reason why she won't commit to a job is solely down to a faulty thought process.  For example, you as a NON start a job and you learn to adapt to the job you learn the skills needed to succeed.  Where as, a BPD can't control their thoughts, one day she might say I want to be a Dr then when she is faced with the pressure and skills needed to fulfill this role they run.  Another great example with BPDs is money, my ex hated the fact I was working, because she wanted all my attention, but at the same time would moan that she was always skint.  She also wanted a baby but when faced with the bigger picture of needing to work to support the potential child she would lash out and play the victim role.  They don't know who they are this is why they will never accomplish anything in life.

I asked this in a different thread: But my uBPDexgf doesn't drink, gamble, didn't let me have sex with her until well into our relationship, she has never been to a real party, rave, etc.

She's only a freshman in college (19), and her really nasty BPD behavior only surfaced recently, so I suppose it's possible she will start acting out. I won't know about it though since she has totally shut me out.

when a BPD is triggered they will do what ever it takes to rid themselves of the extreme depression and anxiety, that is why you hear about drug taking, risky sexual ventures and so forth.  impulsive behaviour is solely acting on impulse without thinking of the consequences.  For example, my ex is pregnant with Her 3rd child, the new guy is jobless, still lives with his mum and still has a year left in college.  Impulsive behaviour is a strong trait of BPD.  It doesn't have to mean sex, drugs and gambling, they are forever uncertain about what they want, and the same would apply to staying in education and jobs.

[Reecer1588]

Jammo, It looks like my uBPDexgf doesn't have a bright future ahead of her. She's 19 and in college now. She is absolutely obsessed with horses, always has been. She always thought she wanted to be an equine vet, well as it turns out, naw no more. Then she wanted to work in the ag industry. Naw, no more. Her latest thing was "well I want to become a teacher", well my sister, who has a masters in both psych and speech pathology, actually did become an elementary school teacher, and let me tell you, she said it wasn't easy. My uBPDexgf said for over 1 year "I'm going to get a job", always said she would, she never did. She doesn't have a good track record of commitments and responsibilities. She admitted herself that her dad only "had about half my college paid for", so she'll either actually have to get a job in the future to pay for school, or IDK, I guess drop out.

Is this lack of commitment and promising to do things that they never end up doing common in people with BPD?

BPD is yet again based on impulsive behaviour, it is often mis diagnosed by therapists for Bi- Polar.  BPDs are children trapped in adult bodies, they lack a sense of self this resulting in not knowing who they are, this is why they mirror others to feel a sense of self.  The reason why she won't commit to a job is solely down to a faulty thought process.  For example, you as a NON start a job and you learn to adapt to the job you learn the skills needed to succeed.  Where as, a BPD can't control their thoughts, one day she might say I want to be a Dr then when she is faced with the pressure and skills needed to fulfill this role they run.  Another great example with BPDs is money, my ex hated the fact I was working, because she wanted all my attention, but at the same time would moan that she was always skint.  She also wanted a baby but when faced with the bigger picture of needing to work to support the potential child she would lash out and play the victim role.  They don't know who they are this is why they will never accomplish anything in life.

I asked this in a different thread: But my uBPDexgf doesn't drink, gamble, didn't let me have sex with her until well into our relationship, she has never been to a real party, rave, etc.

She's only a freshman in college (19), and her really nasty BPD behavior only surfaced recently, so I suppose it's possible she will start acting out. I won't know about it though since she has totally shut me out.

when a BPD is triggered they will do what ever it takes to rid themselves of the extreme depression and anxiety, that is why you hear about drug taking, risky sexual ventures and so forth.  impulsive behaviour is solely acting on impulse without thinking of the consequences.  For example, my ex is pregnant with Her 3rd child, the new guy is jobless, still lives with his mum and still has a year left in college.  Impulsive behaviour is a strong trait of BPD.  It doesn't have to mean sex, drugs and gambling, they are forever uncertain about what they want, and the same would apply to staying in education and jobs.

Jammo. can you please explain further? I am confused. Are you saying my ex is impulsive but in a different way?

[Ripped Heart]

2 weeks NC yesterday with exBPDgf initiated by me and she contacted me tonight in a plea for help.

My exN/BPDw, I've been NC for 3 years now and she still resurfaces. Until June last year she would contact me monthly. It stopped until December and now she is trying to contact me through family members as I think she realised she wasn't going to get through by conventional means.

[Reecer1588]

2 weeks NC yesterday with exBPDgf initiated by me and she contacted me tonight in a plea for help.

My exN/BPDw, I've been NC for 3 years now and she still resurfaces. Until June last year she would contact me monthly. It stopped until December and now she is trying to contact me through family members as I think she realised she wasn't going to get through by conventional means.

Is your ex High or Low functioning? And mine is 19 years old, so I think my situation is different than most because we're younger.

[jammo1989]

Jammo, It looks like my uBPDexgf doesn't have a bright future ahead of her. She's 19 and in college now. She is absolutely obsessed with horses, always has been. She always thought she wanted to be an equine vet, well as it turns out, naw no more. Then she wanted to work in the ag industry. Naw, no more. Her latest thing was "well I want to become a teacher", well my sister, who has a masters in both psych and speech pathology, actually did become an elementary school teacher, and let me tell you, she said it wasn't easy. My uBPDexgf said for over 1 year "I'm going to get a job", always said she would, she never did. She doesn't have a good track record of commitments and responsibilities. She admitted herself that her dad only "had about half my college paid for", so she'll either actually have to get a job in the future to pay for school, or IDK, I guess drop out.

Is this lack of commitment and promising to do things that they never end up doing common in people with BPD?

BPD is yet again based on impulsive behaviour, it is often mis diagnosed by therapists for Bi- Polar.  BPDs are children trapped in adult bodies, they lack a sense of self this resulting in not knowing who they are, this is why they mirror others to feel a sense of self.  The reason why she won't commit to a job is solely down to a faulty thought process.  For example, you as a NON start a job and you learn to adapt to the job you learn the skills needed to succeed.  Where as, a BPD can't control their thoughts, one day she might say I want to be a Dr then when she is faced with the pressure and skills needed to fulfill this role they run.  Another great example with BPDs is money, my ex hated the fact I was working, because she wanted all my attention, but at the same time would moan that she was always skint.  She also wanted a baby but when faced with the bigger picture of needing to work to support the potential child she would lash out and play the victim role.  They don't know who they are this is why they will never accomplish anything in life.

I asked this in a different thread: But my uBPDexgf doesn't drink, gamble, didn't let me have sex with her until well into our relationship, she has never been to a real party, rave, etc.

She's only a freshman in college (19), and her really nasty BPD behavior only surfaced recently, so I suppose it's possible she will start acting out. I won't know about it though since she has totally shut me out.

when a BPD is triggered they will do what ever it takes to rid themselves of the extreme depression and anxiety, that is why you hear about drug taking, risky sexual ventures and so forth.  impulsive behaviour is solely acting on impulse without thinking of the consequences.  For example, my ex is pregnant with Her 3rd child, the new guy is jobless, still lives with his mum and still has a year left in college.  Impulsive behaviour is a strong trait of BPD.  It doesn't have to mean sex, drugs and gambling, they are forever uncertain about what they want, and the same would apply to staying in education and jobs.

Jammo. can you please explain further? I am confused.

Borderlines more often than not had a very hard upbringing, they sufferered childhood trauma, think of a 3 year old crying for attention and the mother or father ignored the baby's cry or need for attention.  They were abandoned or at least felt abandoned from a very young age, this almost creates PTSD symptoms within the child.  Their biggest fear is being abandoned, so when they perceive abandonment their anxiety and depression becomes so intense they will do what ever it takes to soothe these negative emotions.  This is why a lot of BPD attach and move on almost instantly they can't be alone, because being alone to them means being vulnerable, and that is the one thing they try to avoid solely  because it brings up painful memories from their childhood. BPDs will act impulsively out of fear of being alone again.  That's why you experience the push/pull behaviour, it's s defensive mechanism that they learnt from a very early age, I want to be with you (pull) go away, yiur only going to abandon me like everybody else (push) that's why trust is impossible for them to attain if you can't trust your parents how can you be expected to trust others? So her impulsive behaviour is based on a defence mechanisms in order to protect herself from further pain.

For example, my ex got pregnant 2 months into her new relationship, she did this because to get its a distraction from any pain of abandonment she might feel, a baby won't leave her, let alone judge her for her child like behaviour.

[Reecer1588]

Jammo, It looks like my uBPDexgf doesn't have a bright future ahead of her. She's 19 and in college now. She is absolutely obsessed with horses, always has been. She always thought she wanted to be an equine vet, well as it turns out, naw no more. Then she wanted to work in the ag industry. Naw, no more. Her latest thing was "well I want to become a teacher", well my sister, who has a masters in both psych and speech pathology, actually did become an elementary school teacher, and let me tell you, she said it wasn't easy. My uBPDexgf said for over 1 year "I'm going to get a job", always said she would, she never did. She doesn't have a good track record of commitments and responsibilities. She admitted herself that her dad only "had about half my college paid for", so she'll either actually have to get a job in the future to pay for school, or IDK, I guess drop out.

Is this lack of commitment and promising to do things that they never end up doing common in people with BPD?

BPD is yet again based on impulsive behaviour, it is often mis diagnosed by therapists for Bi- Polar.  BPDs are children trapped in adult bodies, they lack a sense of self this resulting in not knowing who they are, this is why they mirror others to feel a sense of self.  The reason why she won't commit to a job is solely down to a faulty thought process.  For example, you as a NON start a job and you learn to adapt to the job you learn the skills needed to succeed.  Where as, a BPD can't control their thoughts, one day she might say I want to be a Dr then when she is faced with the pressure and skills needed to fulfill this role they run.  Another great example with BPDs is money, my ex hated the fact I was working, because she wanted all my attention, but at the same time would moan that she was always skint.  She also wanted a baby but when faced with the bigger picture of needing to work to support the potential child she would lash out and play the victim role.  They don't know who they are this is why they will never accomplish anything in life.

I asked this in a different thread: But my uBPDexgf doesn't drink, gamble, didn't let me have sex with her until well into our relationship, she has never been to a real party, rave, etc.

She's only a freshman in college (19), and her really nasty BPD behavior only surfaced recently, so I suppose it's possible she will start acting out. I won't know about it though since she has totally shut me out.

when a BPD is triggered they will do what ever it takes to rid themselves of the extreme depression and anxiety, that is why you hear about drug taking, risky sexual ventures and so forth.  impulsive behaviour is solely acting on impulse without thinking of the consequences.  For example, my ex is pregnant with Her 3rd child, the new guy is jobless, still lives with his mum and still has a year left in college.  Impulsive behaviour is a strong trait of BPD.  It doesn't have to mean sex, drugs and gambling, they are forever uncertain about what they want, and the same would apply to staying in education and jobs.

Jammo. can you please explain further? I am confused.

Borderlines more often than not had a very hard upbringing, they sufferered childhood trauma, think of a 3 year old crying for attention and the mother or father ignored the baby's cry or need for attention.  They were abandoned or at least felt abandoned from a very young age, this almost creates PTSD symptoms within the child.  Their biggest fear is being abandoned, so when they perceive abandonment their anxiety and depression becomes so intense they will do what ever it takes to soothe these negative emotions.  This is why a lot of BPD attach and move on almost instantly they can't be alone, because being alone to them means being alone, and that is the one thing they try to avoid sexy because it brings up painful memories from their childhood. BPDs will act impulsively out of fear of being alone again.  That's why you experience the push/pull behaviour, it's s defensive mechanism that they learnt from a very early age, I want to be with you (pull) go away, yiur only going to abandon me like everybody else (push) that's why trust is impossible for them to attain if you can't trust your parents how can you be expected to trust others? So her impulsive behaviour is based on a defence mechanisms in order to protect herself from further pain.

For example, my ex got pregnant 2 months into her new relationship, she did this because to get its a distraction from any pain of abandonment she might feel, a baby won't leave her, let alone judge her for her child like behaviour.

Thanks for your input. I was just wondering about the fact that my uBPDexgf doesn't drink, gamble, party etc. or show the classical impulsive behaviors.

[jammo1989]

Jammo, It looks like my uBPDexgf doesn't have a bright future ahead of her. She's 19 and in college now. She is absolutely obsessed with horses, always has been. She always thought she wanted to be an equine vet, well as it turns out, naw no more. Then she wanted to work in the ag industry. Naw, no more. Her latest thing was "well I want to become a teacher", well my sister, who has a masters in both psych and speech pathology, actually did become an elementary school teacher, and let me tell you, she said it wasn't easy. My uBPDexgf said for over 1 year "I'm going to get a job", always said she would, she never did. She doesn't have a good track record of commitments and responsibilities. She admitted herself that her dad only "had about half my college paid for", so she'll either actually have to get a job in the future to pay for school, or IDK, I guess drop out.

Is this lack of commitment and promising to do things that they never end up doing common in people with BPD?

BPD is yet again based on impulsive behaviour, it is often mis diagnosed by therapists for Bi- Polar.  BPDs are children trapped in adult bodies, they lack a sense of self this resulting in not knowing who they are, this is why they mirror others to feel a sense of self.  The reason why she won't commit to a job is solely down to a faulty thought process.  For example, you as a NON start a job and you learn to adapt to the job you learn the skills needed to succeed.  Where as, a BPD can't control their thoughts, one day she might say I want to be a Dr then when she is faced with the pressure and skills needed to fulfill this role they run.  Another great example with BPDs is money, my ex hated the fact I was working, because she wanted all my attention, but at the same time would moan that she was always skint.  She also wanted a baby but when faced with the bigger picture of needing to work to support the potential child she would lash out and play the victim role.  They don't know who they are this is why they will never accomplish anything in life.

I asked this in a different thread: But my uBPDexgf doesn't drink, gamble, didn't let me have sex with her until well into our relationship, she has never been to a real party, rave, etc.

She's only a freshman in college (19), and her really nasty BPD behavior only surfaced recently, so I suppose it's possible she will start acting out. I won't know about it though since she has totally shut me out.

when a BPD is triggered they will do what ever it takes to rid themselves of the extreme depression and anxiety, that is why you hear about drug taking, risky sexual ventures and so forth.  impulsive behaviour is solely acting on impulse without thinking of the consequences.  For example, my ex is pregnant with Her 3rd child, the new guy is jobless, still lives with his mum and still has a year left in college.  Impulsive behaviour is a strong trait of BPD.  It doesn't have to mean sex, drugs and gambling, they are forever uncertain about what they want, and the same would apply to staying in education and jobs.

Jammo. can you please explain further? I am confused.

Borderlines more often than not had a very hard upbringing, they sufferered childhood trauma, think of a 3 year old crying for attention and the mother or father ignored the baby's cry or need for attention.  They were abandoned or at least felt abandoned from a very young age, this almost creates PTSD symptoms within the child.  Their biggest fear is being abandoned, so when they perceive abandonment their anxiety and depression becomes so intense they will do what ever it takes to soothe these negative emotions.  This is why a lot of BPD attach and move on almost instantly they can't be alone, because being alone to them means being alone, and that is the one thing they try to avoid sexy because it brings up painful memories from their childhood. BPDs will act impulsively out of fear of being alone again.  That's why you experience the push/pull behaviour, it's s defensive mechanism that they learnt from a very early age, I want to be with you (pull) go away, yiur only going to abandon me like everybody else (push) that's why trust is impossible for them to attain if you can't trust your parents how can you be expected to trust others? So her impulsive behaviour is based on a defence mechanisms in order to protect herself from further pain.

For example, my ex got pregnant 2 months into her new relationship, she did this because to get its a distraction from any pain of abandonment she might feel, a baby won't leave her, let alone judge her for her child like behaviour.

Thanks for your input. I was just wondering about the fact that my uBPDexgf doesn't drink, gamble, party etc. or show the classical impulsive behaviors.

.

Nor did mine, so I can relate to what your saying, some act out, lashing out, raging, physical attacks, while others act inwards, self harm, depression, anxiety and so forth, my ex had 2 children so they were her distraction.

[Ripped Heart]

2 weeks NC yesterday with exBPDgf initiated by me and she contacted me tonight in a plea for help.

My exN/BPDw, I've been NC for 3 years now and she still resurfaces. Until June last year she would contact me monthly. It stopped until December and now she is trying to contact me through family members as I think she realised she wasn't going to get through by conventional means.

Is your ex High or Low functioning? And mine is 19 years old, so I think my situation is different than most because we're younger.

My exN/BPDw is high functioning and 33 years old and unpredicatable. When she goes silent, I know it's because she is devising a plan and trying figure out if there is a button to press.

My exBPDgf is low functioning and 45 years old and quite predictable. I've mentioned on here before that when she contacts, it's always a crisis over money and tonight was no different. I can kind of predict with exBPDgf, when she will contact, why and what will happen if I don't respond. A very predictable pattern.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Hey Reecer, haven't posted on this forum for a long time as Ive fully healed from my crazy ex

To answer your question, a lot of things need to be taken into consideration when it comes to whether or not they will contwct you again.  BPDs tend to indulge in destructive behaviour to distract themselves from their own inner turmoils AKA the feeling of rejection and abandonment.  So with this in mind, if there's a new guy on the scene and she's attached herself to him then don't expect any contact until the honeymoon period is over or he abandons her.  She will then then obsessively search for new supply, and with you being an ex theres a good chance she will try and reach out to you.

If she does reach out she WILL pull and push you (come here go away) she will do this after a few months in the hope you have at least forgiven her.  Furthermore, because of her impulsive behaviour expect her to call you or call on a withheld number just to see if you can still be available when needed (baiting).  She may call you, then block you because she fears you will reject her when she reaches out, so she will bait to see if you pull at the line (think of a fisherman) and if you do reply she will back off again.  This will only mess your head up, stay away trust me you will feel back to normal like me in a few months.

3rd reason, if she's more of the NPD/HPD type their false ego will stop them from ever contacting you again, they already have a damaged ego, so they hide behind a fake one.  furthermore, these types will only reach out only to kick you down again, if they feel power over you it makes them feel strong and yes they get a kick out of hurting others, just like BPDs they are severely sick.

If you want me to give you a run down about how my ex acted after we broke up I can share my experience, trust me its gets easier and when you realise what really went on you will other laugh or quiver at the sheer thought of her.

Jammo I'm trying to understand about the blocked call stuff. I've been receiving withheld number hang up calls since the first of last September. She axed me (literally) in August after a 9.5 yr relationship. She didn't even speak to me, but broke up with me in a type written note,inserted into my birthday card.

At first I didn't know if it was her, thought just a coincidence they came in. Two weeks ago, valentine's week, I received yet another series of hang up calls on two different days. I picked up, said hello and then click. I am 97% sure it's her. I have never tried to contact her after the calls, and have had several of them every month since September.

Essentially she is still maintaining contact after 6 months, though she is not speaking. It confuses me as I never contact her after it and would think that she would see that I'm not calling her back. I wonder if that makes her think I'll reject her, or if she is just wanting to hear my voice. I just can't comprehend a 46 yr old woman behaving such a way. She said she had no intention of being in a relationship with me again, yet she keeps calling. I suspect she has a new beau, and she had all of her friends and family tied down so that she wouldn't miss me in any realm of her life. It's just weird to me.

[Reecer1588]

Would be interested to hear anyone else's thoughts on the original question. 

[Infern0]

It depends on a lot of factors. Some will reappear a lot, some won't.

Depends if they are true BPD or more leaning towards one of the more selfish disorders (npd, aspd)

I think if they are true BPD, you didn't d much wrong in your relationship then yes, you can expect to hear from them

This was how it was with my ex who i'm now back with. I actually didn't do much wrong in our relationship and it was more her engulfment issues and me not understanding or coping with the disregulations too well. She wasn't overly horrible or insulting or anything just angry and lashing out against imagined slights.

honestly after the extinction burst and breakup she was back in contact within a week saying she didn't understand what had gone wrong, and she was always in touch with varying frequency for the next 6 months until leaving her replacement to come back to me.

It doesn't always go this way though, if the breakup was particularly nasty then you are less likely to hear from them

[Targeted]

She will contact you, it's 99% inevitable!  The real question is what are you going to do when it happens? The only thing you can change to change the outcome is you!  Mine just made a feeble attempt at a recycle 8 months later, I posted it on the undecided board! I could have been back in her bed this week, I could be having the amazing sex again right now! Then have my heart ripped out and stomped off in a few weeks from now again! Recycle attempt crashed within 24 hours because I changed the only thing that I can!  me!