BPD and Isolation... Please Explain

[In Pain]

My ex BPD GF did seem to want to isolate us. Yes, we did occasionally do things with my friends, but never with her friends. I met her family twice, but we never went to dinner with her circle of friends, she always resisted that.

She was a part of my world, but I was never a part of her world.

Please explain this isolation aspect.

Thx

[drummerboy]

Mine didn't seem to have many friends and the ones she had, she pretty much ignored during our r/s.

My ex BPD GF did seem to want to isolate us. Yes, we did occasionally do things with my friends, but never with her friends. I met her family twice, but we never went to dinner with her circle of friends, she always resisted that.

She was a part of my world, but I was never a part of her world.

Please explain this isolation aspect.

Thx

[Maternus]

Please explain this isolation aspect.

Thx

It's all about control, jealousy and the fear of abondenment.

[ADecadeLost]

It's about the control. 

Mine systematically isolated me from friends/family over the years.  She'd be fine with everyone initially, but one by one they each became a trigger.  My best friend from high school (also my best man), my closest friend from college, and eventually my family.  To her, strong bonds to other people were threatening.  She never told me outright not to be around these people, but systematically made it more and more miserable for me to be around them.  The end result was me choosing to avoid contact with these people on my own.

[Low C]

My take is that it's a part of the push/pull, two sides to everything nature of the disorder.

On the one hand, you meeting friends and family is obviously risky for the BPD--so many opportunities for disaster in the eyes of a pwBPD.  Friends could like you more, could tell shameful stories, warn you away, maybe you wouldn't like the friends or family, maybe they wouldn't like you, and on and on.

On the other hand, if those friends and family do know you, when the pwBPD needs to complain about you, triangulate, paint you black, it would be problematic if friends said to the pwBPD, "No, I met that person, they seemed decent and I don't think they're the villain you make them out to be... ."

It seems like many have the same story.  It's frustrating, hard to interpret related to the disorder, it can feel like the pwBPD is simply embarrassed by you.

[Tim300]

My ex BPD GF did seem to want to isolate us. Yes, we did occasionally do things with my friends, but never with her friends. I met her family twice, but we never went to dinner with her circle of friends, she always resisted that.

She was a part of my world, but I was never a part of her world.

Please explain this isolation aspect.

Thx

First, from personal experience and from reading countless stories on here, it is clear that pwBPD generally have a difficult time maintaining friends, especially friends of the same sex.  My point here is that she might not have had a robust circle of friends.  She probably has a history of randomly cutting people out for inappropriate reasons or perhaps even screwing people over.

Second, pwBPD tend to leave a trail of broken relationships and destruction, and cover this up in part through deceit.  It can be key for the pwBPD to keep friend groups or certain people separated from others, so that people don't start talking and connect the dots.

Third, a pwBPD will tend to cycle between loving and hating a partner.  :)uring brief hate phases, the pwBPD will say all kinds of nasty things about you to anyone who will listen; but then when the pwBPD comes crawling back into the relationship she will need to keep this reuniting hidden from her friends to hide her embarrassment over her apparent flip flopping.

[Blimblam]

Its definately about control but underlying that is the need for an attachment. She may perceive those outside influences as threats that would lead her to being abandoned or feeling abandoned.  There is the push pull dynamic most definately.  In this case it seems to me like that outside influence is percieved as engulfing you the attachment so it must be pushed away in order to prevent abandonment by pulling the attachment in.  

[Tim300]

On the other hand, if those friends and family do know you, when the pwBPD needs to complain about you, triangulate, paint you black, it would be problematic if friends said to the pwBPD, "No, I met that person, they seemed decent and I don't think they're the villain you make them out to be... ."

Absolutely. I 100% agree with this.  The pwBPD will ultimately wish to paint herself to the universe as a victim of the non's supposed abuse.  To make this possible she can't possibly let her network see that you are obviously just a nice, normal human being.

[Blimblam]

On the other hand, if those friends and family do know you, when the pwBPD needs to complain about you, triangulate, paint you black, it would be problematic if friends said to the pwBPD, "No, I met that person, they seemed decent and I don't think they're the villain you make them out to be... ."

Absolutely. I 100% agree with this.  The pwBPD will ultimately wish to paint herself to the universe as a victim of the non's supposed abuse.  To make this possible she can't possibly let her network see that you are obviously just a nice, normal human being.

This is a very good point but I think this has more to do with the pwBPD than the partner.  The pwBPD wants a refuge for when they feel enfulfed and in that space can unload their emotions they feel overwhelming them that have to do with the partner. So in a sense you are her therapist for that group she can complain about and they or someone there is the therapist and you she can on plain about.  Keeping those worlds seperate more has to do with engulfment fears on a deeper level but, yes it can come doem to what was mentioned in the quotes on a more surface level.

I can relate it to keeping my family life and friendships seperate as a kid because my parents were so strict and embarrassing.  I felt engulfed by them.  When most things end up being broken down to fear of enfulfed r and and fear of abandonment there are moments in our life we felt like that and that gives us the ability to empathize.

[Jack2727]

Yes, yes and yes again!

My ex had "friends" but only had really one close friend. It seemed like she had all sorts of friends who she didn't keep in close contact with. I agree with the statement. The closer friendships they have it is easier for them to slip up. Thinking back about my ex, she had a bunch of friends who I only met once. It seemed like she kept them all at arms length.

Another thing I find extremely weird now looking back is that she had no visible guy friends. However, there were ton of guy friends on facebook.

One last memory when I drove her to the airport the last time I saw her she was texting with some ex roommate, a chick who she never mentioned. Perhaps I didn't pay attention but it seemed like there was always these "friends" who she wasn't close with anymore.

[draptemp]

Hello In pain, A decade lost hit the nail on the head. It's all about control and isolation (I call is SIP-silence/isolation/punishment) the whole mess takes on many forms. The most important thing is understanding that it is a silent rage. The fear of someone else being more special or taking their place of importance, attention and demands. It's about them thinking you have given more attention to someone else than you have given to them.

I experienced this with my dBPDso more than I can honestly convey. In the final times, he wanted me to believe that he didn't care or have any interest in whom I was with (especially family) but constantly tracked my every move and post of my family on FB and anytime there was a post or inference related to me, he would SIP. ITS A MISERABLE EXISTENCE!  All the while intentionally concealing all info on his interactions. I really didn't try to find out, but he somehow made sure I always did.

SIP is a painful, hurtful and if not worked through can cause as much harm, if not more, than a verbal rage and the devaulation and demoralization and self image/value will suffer extensively.

I'm still working through the pain but hang in there, things will get better and there are many of us who have gone down the same lonely road; only now, you have friends and people who understand and care and can totally relate.

[Invictus01]

She met all my friends. I met very few of hers.

The biggest thing was I think some of my friends started to catch on her weirdness (which I didn't see because I was love bombed into thinking I am dating my soul mate). After our dating ended, I was told that many of my female friends who met her were urging my best buddy to talk to me and get me away from her because something wasn't adding up. I can see now that if our dating lasted longer than 6 months, I might lose a lot of my friends due to it. Also, when she walked away from me in the end like she didn't even know me, after I treated her the nicest possible way for all 6 months, my best friend told me - "You can not and will not speak to her again, you deserve much more respect than this". The thing is - if she actually turned around and came back within the first month or so, I would actually entertain the thought of losing my best friend for her... .I am so glad she stayed away... .

[apple2]

My ex BPD GF did seem to want to isolate us. Yes, we did occasionally do things with my friends, but never with her friends. I met her family twice, but we never went to dinner with her circle of friends, she always resisted that.

She was a part of my world, but I was never a part of her world.

Please explain this isolation aspect.

Thx

First, from personal experience and from reading countless stories on here, it is clear that pwBPD generally have a difficult time maintaining friends, especially friends of the same sex.  My point here is that she might not have had a robust circle of friends.  She probably has a history of randomly cutting people out for inappropriate reasons or perhaps even screwing people over.

Second, pwBPD tend to leave a trail of broken relationships and destruction, and cover this up in part through deceit.  It can be key for the pwBPD to keep friend groups or certain people separated from others, so that people don't start talking and connect the dots.

Third, a pwBPD will tend to cycle between loving and hating a partner.  :)uring brief hate phases, the pwBPD will say all kinds of nasty things about you to anyone who will listen; but then when the pwBPD comes crawling back into the relationship she will need to keep this reuniting hidden from her friends to hide her embarrassment over her apparent flip flopp

Exactly. Mine has nearly no close friends of the same gender. The one he regards as "close" friend is just normal friend/colleague from our perspective. They don't do anything in their spare time together. Mine has a couple of "friends" (girls). Most of them are either his ex but still have kind of attachment to him, or potential target in the future. That's why I can never do anything with his friends together.

And he met two of my best friends twice. He told me that he knows the two don't like him. Actually, my best friends don't even bother thinking whether they like him, they don't know him so much. From my perspective, he worried my best friends would say something negative about him to me.

The other interesting thing is, my two flat mates talked to him on my party. They didn't know who he is. Still they told me that guy is neurotic and strange. But I was in love and was blind. See, that's why they want to isolate us from our friends.

[apple2]

She met all my friends. I met very few of hers.

The biggest thing was I think some of my friends started to catch on her weirdness (which I didn't see because I was love bombed into thinking I am dating my soul mate). After our dating ended, I was told that many of my female friends who met her were urging my best buddy to talk to me and get me away from her because something wasn't adding up. I can see now that if our dating lasted longer than 6 months, I might lose a lot of my friends due to it. Also, when she walked away from me in the end like she didn't even know me, after I treated her the nicest possible way for all 6 months, my best friend told me - "You can not and will not speak to her again, you deserve much more respect than this". The thing is - if she actually turned around and came back within the first month or so, I would actually entertain the thought of losing my best friend for her... .I am so glad she stayed away... .

I still remember the only chance all my friends met him is at my birthday party. He played a drama. All my friends told me to let him go at once. One of my friends can not hold and asked him directly, why you do this to her? They all told me, you should think it over whether you deserve this.

After some of my friends knew the broke-up story, they were raged and urged me to leave him for my safety and health.

"The biggest thing was I think some of my friends started to catch on her weirdness (which I didn't see because I was love bombed into thinking I am dating my soul mate)" It is true.

[ADecadeLost]

Strange timing for this thread.  The stb ex-wife skyped me this evening, and the very topic of my friends came up.  She asked me if I lost touch with them, because they hated her.  I laughed (probably not the appropriate response) and essentially explained what I had originally posted on this thread.  I even went further pointing out how many had been willing to look past her various outbursts in an effort to build a relationship with her.  It felt good to say it.

[hope2727]

My ex BPD GF did seem to want to isolate us. Yes, we did occasionally do things with my friends, but never with her friends. I met her family twice, but we never went to dinner with her circle of friends, she always resisted that.

She was a part of my world, but I was never a part of her world.

Please explain this isolation aspect.

Thx

First, from personal experience and from reading countless stories on here, it is clear that pwBPD generally have a difficult time maintaining friends, especially friends of the same sex.  My point here is that she might not have had a robust circle of friends.  She probably has a history of randomly cutting people out for inappropriate reasons or perhaps even screwing people over.

Second, pwBPD tend to leave a trail of broken relationships and destruction, and cover this up in part through deceit.  It can be key for the pwBPD to keep friend groups or certain people separated from others, so that people don't start talking and connect the dots.

Third, a pwBPD will tend to cycle between loving and hating a partner.  :)uring brief hate phases, the pwBPD will say all kinds of nasty things about you to anyone who will listen; but then when the pwBPD comes crawling back into the relationship she will need to keep this reuniting hidden from her friends to hide her embarrassment over her apparent flip flopping.

This is exactly what I experienced. Exactly. The longer the relationship went on the more he had to keep me apart from his friends in case all his lies came to light.

[raisins3142]

Mine didn't mind me being with friends, so she said.

However, she would isolate me in their presence.  I think she wanted to be liked, so she would dominate the conversation and focus solely on them, that is if they were male.  She would ignore/talk over me and focus on them like laser beams and want just a back and forth with them.  And it would just be 3 of us, so I was off by myself feeling embarrassed that my girlfriend that was supposedly into me was committing this obvious social faux pas.  During these conversations, she would be overly dramatic, talk loudly and at length about somewhat racy stories about her wild past, and cuss every other word.  Just kinda gross.

So, it had the exact opposite effect: all my male friends thought she was "off" and not treating me correctly.  Just zero social intelligence on her part.

My family she was very cold toward, because she could not get drunk and talk wild stuff around them.  Also, she seemed to resent my dog and nephew and niece, probably because I had a protective and loving relationship toward them and it was competition.  She would literally stare at my 4 year old niece with daggers to keep her away.   

[enlighten me]

My ex wife did this. I called it compartmentalization or divide and conquer.

My ex wifes pronlem was that she never could remember what she told people so by keeping everyone seperate she didnt have to worry about anyone finding out she had lied. There would note be the opportunity to compare notes.

She would panick and make excuses or cut short any visits if the possibility of meetings between these sub sections were to happen.

[kdc]

I believe the isolation is from fear of rejection, a need for control, and ownership.  I think deep down inside, they know that their behavior is abusive.  The first step to abuse is isolation. My experience is very similar... .

I left my ex girlfriend, whom I expect is a quiet borderline, a little over a year ago.  I realized that I was being sucked into a dark hole and needed to leave.  She, too, attempted to isolate me.  Initially it was through jealousy.  She suspected EVERYONE of wanting me.  I have a healthy enough ego, but I know that everyone doesn't want me.  I have never cheated on her, and was very much in love with her.  But the jealousy became outrageous.  We could not even walk through the mall without her becoming enraged if someone looked my way.  Once, I stopped in a store and asked to try on a piece of clothing.  When the clerk said that she'd be happy to open a fitting room for me, my ex stated loudly, "I bet you would, but she is MINE".  I wanted to die. 

There was no such thing as hanging out with my friends -- with or without her.  She has only ONE friend, and it seems the relationship is superficial.  And she clearly did not want me to have any.  One by one, she found a reason to dislike all of them.  If we went somewhere, she would make a point of either picking a fight, or would say something to embarrass me.  So I stopped taking her.  Then, she started moving toward isolating me from my family.  I have no family in the area where we live.  We went to my home state (900 miles away) to attend the funeral of a family member.  She literally sat in the living room and did not interact with anyone.  The entire family went to into the backyard because we were having a cookout, and she wanted me to sit inside with her.  When I refused, she got upset.  A few days later, as we were driving back home, she stated "Well, I don't think we should ever go back there anymore.  They don't respect you". 

Then it was my church members.  I'm very involved with my church, and have a wonderful group of women who are like sisters to me.  She hated all of them.  Interestingly enough, none of these women are gay.  I'd incorrectly assumed that she would be ok with them -- they clearly were not "interested" in me.  Nope.  She hated them too... .

I have wonderful neighbors and have really great relationships with them.  She hated that.  She literally refused to speak to any of them.  I work and go to school, and seldom have time to cook.  My next door neighbor hates yard work -- which I love.  So we had an agreement where I would cut her grass every week, and every Sunday, she would cook wonderful Jamaican meals for me.  Needless to say, that was a problem. 

Interestingly enough, I started to realize that she was repeating a pattern that had started in her last relationship.  She always said that she left her ex because she wanted her to "live in a deep, dark hole with her".  She complained about her family.  She didn't like any of her friends.  Her ex became a shell of a person, an alcoholic, and extremely depressed.  I came to see that it was my ex who had dug the hole -- and she was digging one for me.  She wanted no one around.  She had no interests or hobbies.  Her days consisted of going to work, coming home, and watching re-runs of 70's sitcoms.  And the expectation was that I would do it with her.  Any activities that I enjoyed, she found a reason for me to not do them.  And I knew that if I didn't leave, I would eventually become just like her ex. 

In short, I find that they are bottomless pits of need, and no matter how much of yourself that you pour into them, it is never enough.  You will drain yourself dry, and once you are firmly entrenched in a place of depleted, isolated, and no longer capable of supporting them, they will leave you for someone else. 

It is not love.

[Shawnlam]

I was in the exact same boat as well.I met her two kids and her mother that’s it that’s all.She had one actual gf and a ton of ex male contacts which we all know what they were in her past .She kept me away from her brother n law which  she hates with a passion so I’m sure he would of warned me.Her sister,two brothers,gf,father all kept away.Now that I think of it any normal guy like me was kept away and loser low life was shown to family.
 I believe the low life’s were let in because it made her look superior to her family ,and normal men forget it ,the family probably knew he was doomed at the start.

[gilac]

mine isolated me from everyone, and I just realized that

she made an anonymous account on facebook, close all other social media, even I had an anonymous account at the end, and her two friends also ended up having one. she admitted "that was all my idea hehe"

now, a month and a half after the break up she is adding all people on facebook, has a new instagram account, goes to parties, hangs out with people she always hated and with former friends she used to talk only bad things with me

It was difficult to go to any crowded place with her, she was always nervous and didn't want to see anyone we knew

today a totaly different story and she probably blames me for the isolation