BPDwifes Parents... advice

[wavelife]

Hi,

I have been NC for three month now and I feel better by the day.  FOG lifts and I detach more everyday.

Got an email from my wife's parents this morning.  Just small talk asking how I am doing.  Not a word mentioned about my wife.

They were always very supportive of me through our marriage and often were in my corner when it came to my wife's behavior.

I was angry when I got the email and it seems so messed up.  Although they supported me, they enable their daughter to act like she does and I am still angry that they could let her bring her bf home for xmas.  Especially the way they preach about Christian behavior etc...

I suspect they may be digging to see what's going on in my life, maybe to pass on to my wife. 

Part of me wants reply.

Part wants me to go off, and call them out on their part in this.

I think the best thing to do is just ignore and delete... .They are part of a chapter that is over.

Difficult for me to just turn a cold shoulder and it is not my natural response but the more I write and the more I think it is the best option.

[Mutt]

Hi wavelife,

I'm sorry to hear that.

You have a long history with your wife and the chit-chat felt invalidating. It sounds like they liked you if they were supportive of you? Family tends to defend their own family and not side with in-laws? They could be trying to remain centered from either sides?

Things are still raw.

Maybe they're scared of her? She may of split them black in the past and they don't want to be cut-off or family rift? They may mean well and aren't aware of their behaviors and are enabling.

It might be a way for them to try to connect with you. You also have a choice to not talk to them either. I understand having anger directed at the in-laws for enabling. I think as more time passes you may view them differently, waiting may also be a good choice.

[ogopogodude]

Hmmm, you are lucky.  Your ex's parents actually choose to communicate with you.  I have the opposite situation.  

My ex's parents (who both have psychiatric issues of BPD and NPD, but would never admit to any personal problems of alcoholism nor temper rages) ... .hate my f***g guts.  

After all, it is MY fault that their daughter, who I married, turned out the way she is today.  It is because of me, that she drinks heavily every day. It is MY fault that she throws things and yells. It is MY fault that she doesn't have employment (for the last six years), It is MY fault that the sky isn't quite the shade of blue that it could be... .and so on.

If you do choose to respond to your in laws, I would make it a very short reply and very cordial in nature.  But perhaps do not make it "too  invitational" for future communication. Like it has been stated, they probably like you and realize that you were the best thing that came along for their daughter.

[jhkbuzz]

Hmmm, you are lucky.  Your ex's parents actually choose to communicate with you.  I have the opposite situation.  

My ex's parents (who both have psychiatric issues of BPD and NPD, but would never admit to any personal problems of alcoholism nor temper rages) ... .hate my f***g guts.  

After all, it is MY fault that their daughter, who I married, turned out the way she is today.  It is because of me, that she drinks heavily every day. It is MY fault that she throws things and yells. It is MY fault that she doesn't have employment (for the last six years), It is MY fault that the sky isn't quite the shade of blue that it could be... .and so on.

If you do choose to respond to your in laws, I would make it a very short reply and very cordial in nature.  But perhaps do not make it "too  invitational" for future communication. Like it has been stated, they probably like you and realize that you were the best thing that came along for their daughter.

That could very well be the case.  I heard that from my ex's family as well - they all seemed to appreciate the stability I brought into my ex's life. And even though I am still in (limited) contact with some of them, I never EVER forget that family is family, and their loyalty will always lie with her.

So she will always be their daughter - you understand that, I'm sure.  But they also likely cared very much about you, and appreciated the good things you brought into her life.  Don't direct your anger at your ex towards them - they probably don't deserve it

[enlighten me]

I get on well with my exMIL. We chat a bit. I also got on with my exgf's family. One thing I find strange is that her brother and BIL are still friends with me on FB. They are no longer friends with her ex husband and are not friends with her boyfriend. My exgf's fb behaviour has been odd lately when it comes to her family. She would like anything and everything they did and comment all the time. She would put a dozen photos of a walk. Lately there have been things like her brothers second scan where he found out his fiance is having a boy and her nieces birthday where she hasnt commented, liked or put photos up. I may be reading more into it but it seams her family has fallen out with her. The fact that they havent dropped me leads me to feel that they didnt approve of her behaviour and felt sorry for me.

[wavelife]

Thanks for the replies.

They do care about me and often said I was the best thing that ever happened to her.

I am not angry with them... .a little frustrated.

Not sure if I will reply.  Think about it for a while.  If I do it will be a little vague and all positive.

She talks with my wife several times a week and the last thing I want is for my wife to be told I am still heartbroken, or any details about my life.

[enlighten me]

I kept the line of communication open with MIL as it was a useful way of finding out stuff that affected my sons.

I painted a picture of getting on with life and thriving which if truth be known I did to annoy my ex.

[Mutt]

Not sure if I will reply.  Think about it for a while.  If I do it will be a little vague and all positive.

She talks with my wife several times a week and the last thing I want is for my wife to be told I am still heartbroken, or any details about my life.

I think you've got the right idea.

Focus on you for now.

[Turkish]

wavelife, I can understand how that would be frustrating and angering as well. My Ex has brought her affair partner into her family's lives now since he's her fiancee. Her family all likes me, but I keep my interactions with them to a minimum (My Ex's mom baby-sits the kids). One brother's reply to me a year ago was, "well, we'll see how this plays out." I'm angry I didn't get more support, but this is the way their family works, and my Ex is their daughter and sister after all. I've been replaced at all family functions. I only see the extended family twice a year now at both of the kids' birthdays. I may stop going to those, too, I don't know.

As for how you could reply, have you thought about BIFF: Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm?

You don't have to give any info good or bad, and you can also set a boundary. If you like them, and it sounds like you do, then you can incorporate SET into it if you feel that is right. All in all, however, it would be my thought to set a boundary. In so many words, "Thanks for reaching out, but stop contacting me."