Problems Getting Child To Concentrate, Especially on Homework

[Parents! Get help here!]

Their mom with BPD traits moved out a little over a year ago. We have joint custody. There have been some issues on their mom's side which have affected the kids, but all in all, it's not been too bad. I can't help but wonder how much of this is emotional fall out from their mom and I splitting up, too.

I've made a few posts here in the past about S5 (he turned 5 a month ago). He's very emotionally sensitive. D2 is passive-aggressive and subtly manipulative, unlike her older brother who loses control easily. I remember last year that he literally cried (bawled) over D then 1 spilling her milk on the floor. I was shocked at his overreaction, and it took him 20 mins to calm down. He does that to himself as well. Just this morning, he started almost crying because he spilled a little cocoa on his chair, but he didn't go into full-blown crying. I helped by not making a big deal out of it. So he had to change his shirt, and I wiped off the chair. No problem. That seemed to help not responding with anger. If I didn't know better, I'd mirror him being upset by me being angry, and then he would mirror me back by getting more upset and conflict escalates. Their mom's lost it a few times with both kids. I'm a pressure relief valve, available by phone. Still' I'm human, too, and not always able to stop myself from acting angry.

S5 has been having concentration issues on getting tasks done. Knowing he was like this since he was 1, it was of little surprise to me. He tends to not like homework, and it's mostly boring to him.

Last weekend, he sat at the table for two hours trying to do one page which consisted of tracing the alphabet and then writing it. Due to OCD traits, he refused to take a break and do an activity on another page. It got late and I said, "no time for a movie now, it's close to dinner, and since it's dark, no time for the park either." Of course, he started crying and having a meltdown. I did get mad at this point because he kind of started yelling. He may even have hit me (he does this a lot, that sometimes I forget all of the incidents). I sent him to his room where he continued to scream for a while. I finally got him out (since he wasn't calming down), and hugged him until he calmed down. I tried to consistent, and he kept asking to see the movie. I kept saying no, not until your homework was done, now it's too late. You can see it when you come back here in two days.

It seemed to work, and I wasn't too happy about being stuck in the house on a sunny afternoon. When he calmed down, he went back to the page and finished it in 10 mins, then the rest of the pages in 40 mins. 

Now I was often stubborn about homework, but I wasn't an emotionally dysregulating child either (FYI, my mom is BPD, the Hermit-Waif type).

I'm not sure how much any of you had issues with this that may have been related to early BPD traits in your children, or if he's just being a stubborn boy who happens to be emotionally sensitive. for the most part, he's a pretty nice kid, and I've never gotten feedback about conflicts with other kids. If anything, he tends to get bullied a bit by slightly older kids because he's in the 95th percentile for his size (he's like a small seven year old).

More background:

He's always had some OCD-like traits, and ticks off 3/20 traits for autism (D2, none). I don't think he's autistic, and we're not sure yet how much ADD he has, if any, or if this is just normal 5 year old boy stuff.

I've been trying to get my x-in-laws (uncles) on board with validating him more and not teasing him. "stop crying. You're acting like a baby!" and the like. They come from a machismo culture, too, so that is another factor to deal with. It drives me nuts because the one uncle who does this more is 38 still living at home. I feel like telling him, "speaking of babies... .when is it that are you going to move out, exactly?"  And yes, I realize that kind of response by me wouldn't be productive 

[Turkish]

Their mom with BPD traits moved out a little over a year ago. We have joint custody. There have been some issues on their mom's side which have affected the kids, but all in all, it's not been too bad. I can't help but wonder how much of this is emotional fall out from their mom and I splitting up, too.

I've made a few posts here in the past about S5 (he turned 5 a month ago). He's very emotionally sensitive. D2 is passive-aggressive and subtly manipulative, unlike her older brother who loses control easily. I remember last year that he literally cried (bawled) over D then 1 spilling her milk on the floor. I was shocked at his overreaction, and it took him 20 mins to calm down. He does that to himself as well. Just this morning, he started almost crying because he spilled a little cocoa on his chair, but he didn't go into full-blown crying. I helped by not making a big deal out of it. So he had to change his shirt, and I wiped off the chair. No problem. That seemed to help not responding with anger. If I didn't know better, I'd mirror him being upset by me being angry, and then he would mirror me back by getting more upset and conflict escalates. Their mom's lost it a few times with both kids. I'm a pressure relief valve, available by phone. Still' I'm human, too, and not always able to stop myself from acting angry.

S5 has been having concentration issues on getting tasks done. Knowing he was like this since he was 1, it was of little surprise to me. He tends to not like homework, and it's mostly boring to him.

Last weekend, he sat at the table for two hours trying to do one page which consisted of tracing the alphabet and then writing it. Due to OCD traits, he refused to take a break and do an activity on another page. It got late and I said, "no time for a movie now, it's close to dinner, and since it's dark, no time for the park either." Of course, he started crying and having a meltdown. I did get mad at this point because he kind of started yelling. He may even have hit me (he does this a lot, that sometimes I forget all of the incidents). I sent him to his room where he continued to scream for a while. I finally got him out (since he wasn't calming down), and hugged him until he calmed down. I tried to consistent, and he kept asking to see the movie. I kept saying no, not until your homework was done, now it's too late. You can see it when you come back here in two days.

It seemed to work, and I wasn't too happy about being stuck in the house on a sunny afternoon. When he calmed down, he went back to the page and finished it in 10 mins, then the rest of the pages in 40 mins. 

Now I was often stubborn about homework, but I wasn't an emotionally dysregulating child either (FYI, my mom is BPD, the Hermit-Waif type).

I'm not sure how much any of you had issues with this that may have been related to early BPD traits in your children, or if he's just being a stubborn boy who happens to be emotionally sensitive. for the most part, he's a pretty nice kid, and I've never gotten feedback about conflicts with other kids. If anything, he tends to get bullied a bit by slightly older kids because he's in the 95th percentile for his size (he's like a small seven year old).

More background:

He's always had some OCD-like traits, and ticks off 3/20 traits for autism (D2, none). I don't think he's autistic, and we're not sure yet how much ADD he has, if any, or if this is just normal 5 year old boy stuff.

I've been trying to get my x-in-laws (uncles) on board with validating him more and not teasing him. "stop crying. You're acting like a baby!" and the like. They come from a machismo culture, too, so that is another factor to deal with. It drives me nuts because the one uncle who does this more is 38 still living at home. I feel like telling him, "speaking of babies... .when is it that are you going to move out, exactly?"  And yes, I realize that kind of response by me wouldn't be productive 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi Turkish,

I do not know enough, however, the milk and cocoa issue made me think SPD.  So it is funny to me that you mentioned autism because the two often go hand in hand, however, that is not the rule.

Have you looked into Sensory Processing Disorder?

www.spdfoundation.net/symptoms.html

Idk b/c there is not enough to go on, but just an idea to check out for yourself.

If you look at the site and think there are many parallels, please know that these kids often have issues with emotional regulation while young.  It is not necessarily the beginnings of a PD. 

[lbjnltx]

Well Turkish... .I'm going to confess up front that your post is very triggering for me.  This is exactly how all my daughter's acting out began... .over doing homework!

In retrospect I wish that I had done things differently.  My daughter was in a private school (age 10) and had loads of homework.  Now first... .my mindset is that they are children.  They have been at school all day and then sent home to do more work... .really?  If I am a painter and I paint all day at work do you really think I am going to come home and paint some more?  NO! I'm not.

So the question is what is the right approach to take?  Are you asking something of him that is reasonable?  How do you balance that with the expectations from the school?  This is only going to get more difficult the older he gets.  I want you to think about this not from the stand point that your son is possibly disordered... .more from are you asking too much of a 5 year old and what to do about it.

I wish that I  had taken my daughter out of the private school sooner than I did... .I wish that I had not pushed her so hard to comply... .I wish someone had said to me sooner "look at it from this perspective and then decide".  It would have helped me a great deal to make a different choice and save our family a lot of pain.

That's my 2 cents on the subject.

It drives me nuts because the one uncle who does this more is 38 still living at home. I feel like telling him, "speaking of babies... .when is it that are you going to move out, exactly?"  And yes, I realize that kind of response by me wouldn't be productive 

Yes... .and oh so tempting!

lbj

[Turkish]

Sunfl0wer,

Thanks for the link on SPD. Someone previously may have sent that, but I forgot about it since I was looking through loads of info on ADD. S5 also obsesses with little things. He picks his lip or other body parts, and also gets concerned over any little scratch of blemish on my skin and wants to touch it. His mom also is easily triggered by smells, so it may just be something genetic (as a lot of this happens to be).

lbjnltx,

The homework thing drives me nuts. He's in pre-K, but apparently, the teacher is saying that if they don't get it now, they won't survive kindergarten (my internal response is, "what happens then? Do they go into child labor camps? What do you by mean 'won't survive' kindergarten?".

I also hated homework, but it was more due to boredom. By high school, for instance, I was consistently in the top 3 of test scorers in most of my classes (except for math), so that meant I knew the material, no? It made me a C student, however, due to homework being a large part of the grades.

I've got to be careful to not impress my own issues on him, while guiding him towards what's necessary to get through school now, which is different than it was in the 70s and 80s when I went.

As for concentration, I've tried to keep D2 from distracting him, which is one of his complaints. Their mom said she puts on classical music when he does his homework (I like classical music, but this seems a mite pretentious to me... .besides, S5 loves heavy metal like Daddy!). The teacher told me "no music! no distractions!"

[Sunfl0wer]

Well, I have to politely disagree with the teacher.  We are all different, do what works.  Some people do better with music, for others it is a distraction.  SPD or not, having had some training in SPD I have learned that we are all different and what stimulates and helps some focus also can be a distraction to others.  It just depends on the person and what they need at the moment.  Studies have proven chewing gum gets better test grades, improves concentration.  Some people do well to have a break to run a bit before studying.  Other people should not run for a break as transitioning to quiet work proves too challenging.  You have to do what works.  Classical may work.  Metal may work.  Or another genre, or just silence.  It depends.

[Sunfl0wer]

Last weekend, he sat at the table for two hours trying to do one page which consisted of tracing the alphabet and then writing it. Due to OCD traits, he refused to take a break and do an activity on another page. It got late and I said, "no time for a movie now, it's close to dinner, and since it's dark, no time for the park either." Of course, he started crying and having a meltdown.

Maybe he needs some more positive reinforcement?  What motivates him? 

I think he is too young to realize that next time he should pace himself or he may miss a movie.  That connection is too far.  And it may seem more demotivating than motivating to him.

Maybe a quick reward every 15 mins he stays on task?  Like a high five? Or a sticker that represents he earned 10 mins of TV?

Or maybe pace his tasks for him?  Set a visual timer... .analog kitchen timer and tell him he has 10 mins to complete the alphabet page, that is it, then you help him move on to the next task.

Idk what will work for him, just throwing ideas out that maybe you can work with and fix as you know him better.

[Turkish]

Sunfl0wer,

Thanks for those suggestions. I'm not devoid of creativity, but just challenged sometimes, so things like that don't occur to me.

Last night, he started crying because the bacon in his BLT fell out   He's so sensitive to things being "just so." I'm going to try pocket bread (here I can predict, "but that's not a sandwich, Daddy," but I'll try it). The kids do love their BLTs though!

I looked up SPD, and this doesn't seem to be it. I may be overreacting in posting here due to my experiences with his mother. I can't help but see the stark difference between S5 and D2, however. He hasn't been as much into the stacking and organizing lately, which he was when he was 2, 3, and 4.

[lbjnltx]

Just some thoughts Turkish... .

There are many forms of ADD... .there is even one called "overfocused ADD" which keeps a person from being able to move between tasks until everything is exactly right and at the same time not being able to complete a task!  Now that is a dialectical dilemma!

If concentration is keeping him from finishing a task there are homeopathic remedies that can work and have no side effects.  My daughter took synaptol and passed it on to many of her friends... .it isn't really cheap and it is worth a try.  It is a tasteless and odorless liquid dosage under the tongue once or twice a day.  Once in the am before school and then again at home.  Read up on it and be sure to double check the dosage for a boy your son's size and age if you decide to try it... .or any other homeopathic.  Synaptol does boost the ability to concentrate... .my husband started taking it as he got older and was having trouble focusing/multitasking.  He noticed a difference by the 3rd day.

lbj

[JRT]

This thread gave me flashbacks to my exBPDfiance's son... .

I hope that I do not alarm anyone within regard to their own situation on this thread.

My ex's now 18 year old son has been a huge problem to her for as long as she can recall. Although a highly intelligent guy, he had an increasingly difficult time with school work specifically. His concentration and willingness to do his school became so acute, that she would literally have to devote hours of her evenings for years to literally sit next to him while he did his school work. Eventually not even this was effective as she was attempted to manage him by objectives rather than micro manage him. It didn't help that she allowed him to play video games for up to 20 hours at a stretch. This also debilitated his willingness to do basic household tasks and she constantly raged at him as a result. Sometimes I was disgusted with how she referred to him.

She enrolled him in a special flavor of high school for those that are in risk of not successfully graduating where they take a micro manage ans scaled down approach. My ex checked on him like religion. Just as soon as she was convinced that he was on the right path, she would learn that he failed to complete various critical assignments. He came very close to failing his junior year and we didn't know that he was going to graduate until a couple of days before commencements.

It may not at all be related, but he is now having serious trouble moving on whit his life. Despite being gifted with lots of smarts, he has been unable to decide upon a college major. Not to matter since he failed the once class (law enforcement) in which he enrolled in at the local community college. He moved in with his dad, could not handle the rules and was asked to go back and live with his mom. He has been unable to hold down even a menial job having had 6 jobs over a 12 month period (where for 5 of those months, he didn't bother to even look). These are busboy/dishwasher jobs where they usually stop scheduling him after a week or two. He worked for my cousin for a period who described him as incredibly obnoxious. Most of his coworkers couldn't stand working with him as he behaved as if he were 5 years old and it was play time at his house. He was highly disruptive in the workplace.

It's a real pity since he is at his core, a good and intelligent kid. However, his BPD mother, not being self aware and hence, clueless about her son, has believed that traditional methodologies and Ritalin were the answers to his problems instead of taking the more appropriate approach for him (and her).

I really don't see how he will be able to enjoy any flavor of independence as an adult... .ever.

[pessim-optimist]

What would happen, if your son did not turn in any homework? Is there any danger of him being held back from Kindergarten? If not, I would completely disregard any homework that your son doesn't want to do at this age.

He's in pre-K, but apparently, the teacher is saying that if they don't get it now, they won't survive kindergarten

I'd say that this teacher may be well-meaning, but misinformed. Older children catch onto new material faster, and they do not need to have prior knowledge of letters or numbers before Kindergarten. In some states, compulsory education starts with age 6 and kids who come to first grade not knowing their Kindergarten stuff are initially behind, but by the end of first grade they easily catch up.

At this age (pre-K), children need to play, and develop their imagination and creativity, they can keep working on developing hand-to-eye coordination through coloring or drawing; and the best way to help them with future education success is to read to them and talk with them and expand their vocabulary and knowledge as much as possible not drilling letters and numbers. (a good book on this topic is "The Knowledge Deficit: Closing the Shocking Education Gap for American Children" by E.D. Hirsch Jr.)

Also, a couple of really good books: "Better Late Than Early" by Dr. R. Moore & D. Moore; ":)umbing Us Down" by John T. Gatto (saying among others that reading can be taught in approx 100 hours if a person is ready versus countless hours of drilling letters etc. w/ children who are too young to retain or even enjoy the exercise)

Honestly, I am surprised and appalled that your son would need to do homework in pre-K.

Some children are interested in letters and such at this age, but many aren't ready. So, at this age, they are being drilled in things that they will not retain or that will take them several times as long as they would if they were older.

Thus causing frustration and quite probably early burnout by third grade.

[Turkish]

lbjnltx: a trip up to an apothocary in Chinatown might be in order. I'd dose myself first. I'd daydream a lot as a kid (because life sucked), but I had no problem concentrating when things interested me.

JRT: what do you think would have been the right approach? No problem. I solve problems for a living, so I'm willing to absorb any and all data.

pessim-optimist: S5 knew his letters at 2, and his numbers up to 30 when he did his first 6 week stint in pre-school. I was pissed when I told the teacher that he had trouble counting to 30 all of a sudden, and she replued, "oh, don't do that! We're only counting to 10?" After the second 6 week stint last summer, and over the break, he took to counting to 100 no problem (which s where the pre-K wants us to be, same program). He even got how to count into the thousands verbally. He recently said, "2 and 2 and 2 is 6, Daddy." I replied, "who taught you that?" He said, "I taught myself." I might start calling him "Baby Rainman" again.

It's the concentration tasks and emotional dysregulation which worry me. When I dropped him off today, o heard the teacher commenting to a little girl, "you didn't do your homework again? You need to do your homework." I instantly though, "bad parents," but the fact that the teacher didn't make too big a deal out of it made me think about myself, "bad parent? Are we pushing him too hard? Are we projecting our own issues on a small child who is already emotionally sensitive?"

On the way out the door this morning, he suddenly remembered that he didn't do the 5th page, which was basically coloring. He said, "I didn't do the dragon, Miss X is going to be mad at me!" I told him it was ok, that he did the rest. I kept him out Monday since he was pretty sick all weekend. I live in a high tech area where acheivement is expected. Maybe I need to step back from "peer pressure" and let him be a kid.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JRT]

I wish that I could answer that... .I know that she was the target of her rage (not me) and it was constant from the moment that she came home. She never treated him like a child because she was not shown a healthy template for this in her childhood household. There was no love that she gave him, nor encouragement, etc. Hence, he grew up to be highly dysfunctional. He very much behaves like a 7 year old in a 18 year old body - I have never seen anything quite like it. From this entire sordid mess, I feel the most badly for him.

[qcarolr]

I sent him to his room where he continued to scream for a while. I finally got him out (since he wasn't calming down), and hugged him until he calmed down. I tried to consistent, and he kept asking to see the movie. I kept saying no, not until your homework was done, now it's too late. You can see it when you come back here in two days.

It seemed to work, and I wasn't too happy about being stuck in the house on a sunny afternoon. When he calmed down, he went back to the page and finished it in 10 mins, then the rest of the pages in 40 mins. 

On the way out the door this morning, he suddenly remembered that he didn't do the 5th page, which was basically coloring. He said, "I didn't do the dragon, Miss X is going to be mad at me!" I told him it was ok, that he did the rest. I kept him out Monday since he was pretty sick all weekend. I live in a high tech area where acheivement is expected. Maybe I need to step back from "peer pressure" and let him be a kid.

Seems like you are moving in a good direction. It feels whacko to me the pressure to perform/succeed we put on our little kids way ahead of when they are developmentally ready. Being smart (ie. counting, reading, etc. early) is only one aspect of a whole human being. Little kids need to be experiencing life in a safe, secure, nurturing environment. It is so full of conflicts to be a parent today. For me, it is easy to think as an adult about what my gd9 needs to be doing to 'grow up and be successful and independent'. She is very very sensitive, suffers from some trauma from issues around her mom, and has ADHD. [note: the adderall (a time release stimulant similar to ritalin) has released gd from the hold of the "A" inattention piece. If they work, it is good. If they don't then stop taking them.

I hate the 'parent' side of homework. I have made it really clear to my gd's school that our home will not be a battle ground over resistance to homework. I provide a couple times, the space, my attention to sit with her (she does the work) and any materials needed. The past couple of months she has stopped bringing her homework pages home. I do not punish her about this, though ask her what happens with her teachers at school. Well, she does not get punches for homework or the semester pizza party, and "I don't care". I have put a lot of effort into MYSELF to learn how to not take all this personally, to give lots of hugs and lovey attention when things are being tough for gd, and to keep asking her daily to get out her notebook and show me what work she brought home. She does seem to be getting that her lower success at school is connected to not practicing at home. Or not understanding the material being taught at school.  "Grandma, how can I practice at home when I am not taught this at school!" We were talking about her math assignment (singing a rhyme to learn the rules for rounding).

We are having her annual IEP meeting next week. I am glad to have this change to think about all this homework stuff.

The other resource that has been a really big help for me is material from BeyondConsequences.com . Heather Forbes is the founder and has written several books based on the 'Stress Model' in relating with our kids. Especially those that experience life as traumatic. This trauma can come from many directions - early childhood medical issues, separations from mom due to things like illness, temperament and resilience... .She gives a long list in her book ":)aring to Love". I also suggest checking into her book "Help for Billy" which focuses on the school environment. She has very concrete suggestions about homework. I attended her workshop for educators based on this book. It might give you some new perspectives to keep building what you are already realizing based on the quotes above.

Hang in there. Keep on loving those kids - and remember they are still VERY young. Feeling safe, secure and nurtured when with you is a primary need as they are shuttled back and forth.

qcr

[lbjnltx]

lbjnltx: a trip up to an apothocary in Chinatown might be in order. I'd dose myself first. I'd daydream a lot as a kid (because life sucked), but I had no problem concentrating when things interested me.

Good idea!

pessim-optimist: S5 knew his letters at 2, and his numbers up to 30 when he did his first 6 week stint in pre-school. I was pissed when I told the teacher that he had trouble counting to 30 all of a sudden, and she replued, "oh, don't do that! We're only counting to 10?" After the second 6 week stint last summer, and over the break, he took to counting to 100 no problem (which s where the pre-K wants us to be, same program). He even got how to count into the thousands verbally. He recently said, "2 and 2 and 2 is 6, Daddy." I replied, "who taught you that?" He said, "I taught myself." I might start calling him "Baby Rainman" again.

It has been my experience that the teacher is going to teach to the lowest level of capability of the class... .this will mean the higher level capability students will be repeating over and over again that which they already know, have homework to do that they are bored with, and we all know what happens to kids who are bored with school

It's the concentration tasks and emotional dysregulation which worry me. When I dropped him off today, o heard the teacher commenting to a little girl, "you didn't do your homework again? You need to do your homework." I instantly though, "bad parents," but the fact that the teacher didn't make too big a deal out of it made me think about myself, "bad parent? Are we pushing him too hard? Are we projecting our own issues on a small child who is already emotionally sensitive?"


On the way out the door this morning, he suddenly remembered that he didn't do the 5th page, which was basically coloring. He said, "I didn't do the dragon, Miss X is going to be mad at me!" I told him it was ok, that he did the rest. I kept him out Monday since he was pretty sick all weekend. I live in a high tech area where acheivement is expected. Maybe I need to step back from "peer pressure" and let him be a kid.

This is what I was trying to get across in my first post.  You said it better than I.

lbj

[pessim-optimist]

S5 knew his letters at 2, and his numbers up to 30 when he did his first 6 week stint in pre-school.

... .It's the concentration tasks and emotional dysregulation which worry me.

Ok, that sounds like your son is one of the kids that are interested in letters and can easily memorize them at an early age. The fact that he likes to count and is curious about more difficult stuff shows that he is still in the zone where discovering and learning new stuff is a matter of adventure and fun and wonder, which is awesome.

What I would be really concerned about is killing all that with the drudgery of heavy homework, at an age when his attention span for "work" (versus fun) is still low, especially since he is emotionally sensitive... .

I would talk to the teacher and get an exemption from homework. Let him color when he wants to and bring that to school and have his teacher praise him.

I liked Sunfl0wer's idea about keeping him motivated with shorter tasks and concrete rewards and starting to train him with a timer. I personally would introduce it with low pressure stuff and in a way that doesn't suggest to him that he has failed if the timer goes off and he isn't done. More of a training tool for transitions from one activity to another.

I live in a high tech area where acheivement is expected. Maybe I need to step back from "peer pressure" and let him be a kid.

It sounds like your son has already overachieved at an early age.  

Let him be a kid - absolutely!

[Turkish]

I got his homewrok back yesterday,.and they are working on math now. 3+4=7 and the like. Pre-K?  

I don't know about an exemption, p-o. I'm still trying to navigate between care taking him, validating him, and learning to be a parent. Everybody in real life says I'm doing a good job (even uBPDx, though dBPD mom makes occasional unwanted suggestions). His tactile functions, like writing and coloring, are actually where he has some trouble. He's great with numbers.

He had a meltdown last night when his taco fell apart. Shoved the plate away, and was oblivious to my suggestions, like doing like the Mexican side of his family and tearing strips off of the tortilla and scooping the meat. He has to have everything "just so." D2 couldn't care less about such things. She tears apart her sandwiches and eats them layer-by-layer. He was crying, being angry. I got angry and said, "that's your dinner. Eat it or not. It's bath and then bed time."

I realized I was losing my cool (I briefly sent him to his room, but that didn't help), and helped him roll a tortilla up tight. He ate a little. Enough. I won't do to my kids what my mom did to me, which was force me to sit in a chair in front of a plate of spaghetti, for example, until I did a face plant into the food because i fell asleep. To this day, she still thinks that is funny.

[lbjnltx]

Have you read this book?

Parenting a Child Who Has Intense Emotions: Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Skills to Help Your Child Regulate Emotional Outbursts and Aggressive Behaviors

by Pat Harvey, ACSW, LCSW-C, and Jeanine Penzo, LICSW


I have passed this book on to many a mom whose child is acting out for whatever reason.  It really helps to have a handbook that tells you what to do and how to do it.  the target audience would be parents with young children up to the teen years.

lbj

[pessim-optimist]

I don't know about an exemption, p-o. I'm still trying to navigate... .

... .His tactile functions, like writing and coloring, are actually where he has some trouble. He's great with numbers.

I understand... .

Of course he is having trouble. Your son is very bright. His fine motor skills just aren't there yet and won't be there for a while (which is completely normal at his age). Him being a perfectionist and understanding what is expected (tracing and connecting and writing) and not being able to execute that due to his physical limitations sets him up for extreme frustration and to feel like a failure.

We don't expect four-month-olds to walk and trying to do that would mess up the necessary shaping/development of their spine. Why do we do that to to toddlers academically?

They can still be challenged intellectually and learn a ton without having to actually read and write.

I know that as a single parent you don't have too many options. Even so, it might be worth a shot to look for alternative pre-schools and maybe even a private school that will fit your son's needs as far as him being academically advanced but still let him be a kid... .

Or maybe understanding your son's needs and applying your own common sense in emphasizing what you see as important and ignoring the rest might help him navigate the system. I don't think that the grades are important in elementary school. I see mastering the basics and having the foundation for future learning plus mastering basic self-control, and the basics of good executive functioning (organization and time-management) much more important for future success than the inflated academia at an ever-younger age.

I got his homework back yesterday,.and they are working on math now. 3+4=7 and the like. Pre-K? 

 There is a reason why they used to have the abacus as a tool for young school-kids. I hate to say this, but I am really sorry for your son and his generation... .

It is much better to have a visual at this age. Doing math with marbles or cubes or cars or counting how many sets of silverware to put on the table and asking questions like: "Auntie Lynn and your cousins are going to be here too, so how many do we need to put out today?' It accomplishes the same thing with the actual understanding, which your son may have but I have doubts about the majority of his class.

I know that you won't be able to change the system for your son, I guess I am just venting my own frustration.

He had a meltdown last night when his taco fell apart. Shoved the plate away, and was oblivious to my suggestions... .

He has to have everything "just so."

He is sensitive, so it's understandable. His biggest need is to learn to overcome the distress and frustration of not having thing the way he'd like (that's going to be a big part of his life), and to problem-solve.

I'd let him cry a bit and when the peak of his emotion was over, I'd validate the heck out of him and then ask him questions to jump-start his problem-solving. I'd offer help, but I'd let him struggle with it too. (He won't starve) 

Parenting a Child Who Has Intense Emotions: Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Skills to Help Your Child Regulate Emotional Outbursts and Aggressive Behaviors

by Pat Harvey, ACSW, LCSW-C, and Jeanine Penzo, LICSW


I have passed this book on to many a mom whose child is acting out for whatever reason.

Got me curious too. (I'm going to order that one from the library)

[pessim-optimist]

Oh, and I forgot to add one little important tidbit:

There have been lots of data analyzed now with kids who are being home-schooled, and the general conclusion is that unless they are a genius, even if a child starts out very early, they hit a wall somewhere along the line and the kids who are late bloomers or are started much later speed up or get things quickly and by sixth grade they all pretty much even out (along the bell curve of course according to their intellectual abilities).

So, why not let them have a happy and fun childhood?

[heronbird]

If you have a lot of turmoil going on in your head, you can not concentrate. Also its so hard to motivate yourself.

I always used to want my kids to have plenty of homework. Now they are all older, I have learnt, they don't need that. Give them a break, that's what I think. We don't get in from work and do a bit more work. Of course its nice to read with them but they need a rest in the evenings, they have been working all day.

From my experience, pwBPD are often very academic. My dd had that part of her life stolen from her because she was too ill with BPD. Now she is 20, she is better and more mature, she is showing big signs of being so clever.

Last week, she had a really bad week, then all of a sudden she is better, she is a different person, (shes back) she said t me she couldn't do anything last week so now she has to catch up. She didn't go to college and now she will catch up today.

[Turkish]

Oh, and I forgot to add one little important tidbit:

There have been lots of data analyzed now with kids who are being home-schooled, and the general conclusion is that unless they are a genius, even if a child starts out very early, they hit a wall somewhere along the line and the kids who are late bloomers or are started much later speed up or get things quickly and by sixth grade they all pretty much even out (along the bell curve of course according to their intellectual abilities).

So, why not let them have a happy and fun childhood?

I've seen that somewhere (maybe you posted it here  

I used to think it was cool that S5, then S2, could identify more countries on a world map than half of high schoolers and some college students. When I started thinking, "It would be cool to get him a periodic table to put up on the wall," I thought, "What the heck am I doing?" It was cute to see him identify "Greenland, it's delicious!" (because it was white on the map, like ice cream, apparently). I stopped doing that. Now we shoot the atlas with a nerf dart gun.

This weekend, I had only a little struggle with his homework, better than the 4 hour session two weekends ago.

I have to watch them a a day and a night this coming weekend for their mom, so I get to do the homework think again... .

heronbird: my dBPD mother has a near-genius IQ (137). Though having done well, kind of, as an RN, she never got above Supervisor in her career. She used to complain about politics, but after many years, even before I knew she had depression or BPD, I concluded that a lot of the conflict she had with co-workers was due to her. Her FOO story would fit in with the worst stories I've seen on Coping and Healing, so in that I have a lot of empathy for her.

This weekend with the kids, S5 dysregulated a lot over what I think are trivial things.

"Why did you hit D2, why is she crying?"

"Because she was laughing at my hair."  

And so on. Every day.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders