Partners daughter, stealing and underlying motives

[Middleagemom]

Greetings.  I wish I could say I'm in new territory regarding personality disorders but I've gone quite a few emotional rounds with two people close to me that, although never diagnosed, likely had disorders (one was also certainly bipolar).  I'm finally starting some long overdue work with a psychologist to straighten my psyche out, make a better life for myself and move forward with the new life my partner and our kids are building.

I am, however, deeply worried about his daughter.  I feel like the "mean step-mom" for even expressing this but I really need to communicate and process this as I know in my heart, things are going to get worse.  I absolutely DON'T want to see personality disorders around every corner but what I see unfolding is so much like I have witnessed before in others who are troubled.

My partner and I moved in together last Summer - I left the city I was in to move to the large town where he was.  There were a number of reasons for settling here, chiefly to keep his daughter in a stable environment.  She is 14, was moved around by her unstable (and most likely BPD) mother a lot.  He obtained physical custody of her two years before we made this move, Family Services are still monitoring the situation regarding access (her mother only has supervised visitation) and everything else aside from this issue made the choice of area a reasonable one.  I have a son (22) and a daughter (17).  My son lives with us, my daughter lives with her father during the week while finishing her last year of school.  We all seemed to get along.  My SD has a history of acting out in anger, drugs, early sex, lying and stealing.  These have been addressed countless times and I let her dad parent as he sees fit, offering any support I can and not judging.  The one thing that kept emotions under wraps was that this child didn't do anything to push boundaries with myself or my kids, everyone treated each other with respect and got along.  Anyone's issues, be they my daughter's or his or our own, were addressed individually and resolved without "hurt" to another family member.

Then in the Fall, things started changing.  My daughter found clothes missing from her room, which ended up in my SD's room (once there was a purse of her's she found by accident... .it had vomit all up the side of it).  These things were obviously taken while she was away during the week.  She would take them back and they would go missing again.  There was a incident where my daughter's wallet was found in my SD's room (minus the money that was there).  This resulted in a big confrontation between SD and her father.  :)enial was thick... .then, when she realized nobody bought her story she confessed.  We thanked her for her honesty and hoped (prayed) this would be the end of violating other's personal space and belongings.  

It wasn't... .

Just before Christmas, my partner's bank card went missing.  He discovered that $500 was missing from his account.  Long story short, another even uglier scene unfolded, I would not defend her position when asked to and supported my partner and was naturally the bad person in all of this.  SD proceeded to superficially cut herself (did not draw blood - most likely to redirect the attention from the stolen money), partner called ambulance, she took off, police were involved... .drama all weekend with many accusations towards me an my behavior (?).  Again, she came clean after two days of hell and Christmas was quiet.

Then, early this month my daughter notices her clothing is missing again.  Same old games.  Now... my mother passed away in November and I have been bringing a lot of her things here bit by bit to sort through.  I gave some of her things to my daughter and SD got a silver chain (my gift to her).  The gold was mostly sold, except for the wedding band my father gave my mother.  I also kept a pair of gold earrings - both these things were in my top drawer or would be on my dresser in my bedroom.  They were there in the last two weeks, anyway.   I decided (to myself, no discussion with anyone) this past weekend to give the earrings to my daughter and went to look for them.  Guess what - not there!  I searched through my dresser... .then discovered the wedding band was missing.  Felt sick to my stomach... .told my partner.  Our first thought was SD.  I left it to him to speak with his daughter, I asked both of my children if they had seen Grandma's ring (they were the only people who would know I may have had such a thing as I never wore it, did not even bring it out of the jewellery case I put it in).  My kids have no clue as to where it is... .nothing else in the house is missing.  I decided to file a police report in the off chance that, if these items make it to a buy and sell, as stolen property the proprietor cannot accept them, sell them or dispose of them (OK, am hoping!)  SD denied to partner taking anything and is not happy that a police report has been filed.  The thing is, even before she was asked about the jewellery, she was acting standoffish (which she really isn't).  Now that I've filed the report, the cold looks I get are disheartening.  I don't want to live like this.  She is supposed to be assigned a counselor through CAS but don't know when that will be.  My poor partner is torn and simply doesn't want to deal with this anymore.

I feel like she's manufacturing situations so people will feel uneasy.  We try very hard to meet her needs, she does not lack for time with her father (we work to make sure) and is not neglected in any way.  I also feel sometimes like she wants her father to make a choice.

Sorry this is so long... .any thoughts would be wonderful

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello middleagemom



Glad you are here and telling your story.  Lots of issues with acting out behaviors going on besides the stealing?

Do you suspect she is doing it for the money she believes she will get?  Any issues with drugs?

Many members have had this problem... .some resort to locking things up. Others have filed police reports as well.

Personally I didn't have this particular problem with my teen daughter... .though I had plenty of others.

We can help you learn to even out the relationship and have more peace of mind through skills learning.

Is this something you would like to do?

lbjnltx

[Middleagemom]

Thank you and yes, any advice and guidance towards tools that might assist in navigating through this would be a Godsend!

There have been a great many acting out behaviors.  :)rugs were very much present around the incident at Christmastime and there has been drug paraphernalia found in her room on a number of occasions both while we've been living in this house and prior to moving here, along with evidence of alcohol consumption so this has been an active "thing" for a while.  As well as being sexually active at 13, cutting (or leading people to believe she is as she was posting it and telling others the minute she did it) and other maladaptive behaviors.  I know of:

- her father telling me she stole a watch from the son of a former partner.  SD was about 9 at the time.  The watch was a gift from the boy' father

- I have witnessed SD make friends only to lose them again because of conflict.  This is happening more and more and the duration of the friendship is getting shorter and shorter

- Lying... .constant lying.  The bewildering thing is, she lies about things there is no need to keep secret.  Mundane things, simple things.  

- She's letting her grades slip after actually spending a year or more improving them.  This has also hurt her dad as he wanted her very much to succeed.

I was able to both walk away or distance myself from the troubled individuals in my past.  With a child, you can't - at least not without putting forth the most enormous effort to effect change.  I cannot imagine what her father is feeling and try to put myself in his shoes.  My kids are human, they have their moments with me when we get on the wrong side of each other but have never done anything to hurt, spite or take my partner for granted.  They really like him and in this I am very lucky.

[lbjnltx]

Lots going on for a long time!

At 14 (that's right isn't it?) she is engaging in attention seeking behaviors... .cutting, lying and stealing.  PwBPD (people with BPD) have an extraordinary need for attention because they feel empty inside, have low self image, and lack of sense of identity.  One of the ways we can help is by interacting with them in a way that lets them know they have been heard and understood... through the art of validation.

If you scroll up and look to the right of this page you will see links to tools and lessons.  They can help you educate yourself about the disorder and how to communicate more effectively with your step daughter.  There are also tools and lessons on how to preserve your sanity through this process.

Are drugs currently an issue?  If she is using parental authority is still in play and rehab can be a definite option.

You don't mention that she is in any kind of therapy... .is this an option?

We are here to help you learn, practice skills, and support you.

lbj

[maxen]

hi Middleagemom and welcome. we have an active and experienced community of posters here and i hope you will get good support!

- Lying... .constant lying.  The bewildering thing is, she lies about things there is no need to keep secret.  Mundane things, simple things.

i had to deal with this pattern in my marriage, and i didn't handle it well. i became very frustrated. it seems from what i have learned here that it is a defense mechanism, because the default setting within a pwBPD is shame, or fear of judgement. any action is liable to judgement, even ones which objectively are perfectly neutral. i didn't know that then; i thought my wife was trying to foist blame onto me for 'making' her feel bad, requiring her to lie. it's important to try to depersonalize. i know how hard that is when your property goes missing, but the motivations for such behavior are deep within your SD's emotional history and long predate you.

have you had a chance to look at the readings on the right hand side of this page?

[Middleagemom]

Thanks! and yes, I'm going through the lessons and discussions as I've learned from past experience with personality disorders that information is a powerful ally in understanding and coping (or attempting to) with the situation.

I am very in touch with the fact that, aside from being concerned about her actions and the pattern of behavior I see evolving (deja vu, if you please), I need to deal with the resentment that has unfortunately entered the arena.  Am reading the piece on anger right now to try and get some perspective and ideas how to handle it.  If I don't, it's never going to get better... .for me, anyhow.

Will post my thoughts... .