New here

[emergent]

Hello,

I am new here, married to a woman (I am also a woman) who I suspect has BPD, and I have been suffering along with her for many years. We've been married for 10 years and have two children together, ages 7 and 5. She has no idea I suspect this particular disorder, as I am not ready to put myself in the line of fire by suggesting it. There is a lot of denial, and she's not looking for outside help, but I think deep down she knows something's not okay.

I'm at a point where making a decision between staying and leaving is too hard. I've tried to decide many times; I've said I'm leaving; I've been encouraged to leave by others. I look deep inside myself for what I truly want. One day it's definitely to stay, another day it's definitely to leave. This has been going on for about 6 months, although I've had occasional times of wanting to leave for many years. I've started therapy to try to put my head in order on this question. I'm happy to have found this forum, also. It seems like a safe place to exchange and find support.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi emergent,



I'm sorry your going through this.

I think it's a good idea to not suggest BPD for now. BPD is a part of a person's personality. If we were to change our personality, a difficult thing to do?

How are the kids coping? Sons or daughters?

[emergent]

One wonderful daughter (7), who shows signs of suffering because of the level of conflict at home. She often cuts in and tells my partner to stop getting angry at me, but that almost always makes things worse. One son (5), who is sweet and loving but has some very angry phases, and always has. I've read a bit about triangulation, where a third person serves to absorb some of the tension between two people, and realize that it's quite often the case around here with the kids. I also welcome other people into our home because I know it will lighten the load on me, at least for a while. I worry about the weight on my kids' shoulders and how it will affect them as adults. They are surprisingly resilient now, but I'm sure they're internalizing lots of what goes on.

[Mutt]

It's worrisome when a loved one suffers from mental illness and the effects that it has on the kids. I'm seperated for 24 months aI chose to abandon my role in conflict that was going on for several years, she has legitimate impairments with social skills. It helps to learn as much about the disorder. I'm a role model for my kids and I validate their feelings. I've noticed a positive turn in their lives be taking the pledge is a great benchmark I understand that you are seperated and there may be reconcialiation, the co-parenting board will help you navigating pitfalls and challenges parenting with a person with a personality disorder.

[emergent]

No, I'm not separated. I'm trying to decide between staying and leaving, and in the meantime, I'm staying.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi emergent, I'm sorry to hear that you've been suffering.  I agree w/Mutt that any discussion of a BPD diagnosis is best left to a professional, as it will be poorly received coming from you, in my view.  The staying/leaving quandary is a tough one, I understand.  Change seems to happen only when it's more painful to stay than to leave, sad to say.  Most Nons, myself included, stay way too long in unhealthy situations, in part due to our caring nature, which can be counter-productive in a BPD r/s.  You have come to a good place.  LuckyJim