Positive my ex girl has BPD and I have lost her for good

[DestroyedKnight]

*****POSSIBLE TRIGGERS******

Hi,I am new to the forum,I have posted elsewhere looking for validation and I suppose a little help and support to get me through. So here is my story

Met a girl 9 years ago and my god were there red-flags from the start,I saw them back then but I was so overwhelmed by the instant infatuation and love towards me that she was showing that I simply forgave her and told her not to do these things again.Now when I say these things I mean lying. The biggest  was that I had been chatting to a different girl on a dating site and then all of a sudden things go quiet and then I receive a message one day from my now ex fiancée telling me how this girl has committed suicide and she has seen my messages and my photos and wants to get to know me.(yes what the hell was I thinking?)

so things continue from there,she moves to be with me failing to tell me she has ran away from home (found out years later when her mum sends a letter saying how she misses her and hopes she is ok). She tells me in the beginning that she drove a car (lie) and the biggest one of all was that her name was actually different to what it is,not informing me of her real name for weeks after we met? what the hell?.There was also mention of her late father abusing her but she would never openly discuss this with me and would always shut down so I have no idea if this was another one of lies or in fact was the truth which is possible considering what I know now.

Over the course of 9 years I witness my ex suffering with enormous depression.phoning up ambulances asking to be taken away and be sectioned,she tells me she has like movies playing in her head while she is sleeping and they are quite violent and to the point of her murdering someone in her sleep.If she had a headache she would be on google and then telling me she had a tumour.She would run next door to our friend asking for help because she worked for mental health services but would always refuse the help when offered.

After she had our little boy who is now 6 I asked her about the possibility of me going back to work and she agreed it was a good idea even though I had my reservations because I was worried about her being on her own with our baby.The day I was due to start work I had slept most of the day ready for my night shift and I was woken by her crying her eyes out saying she doesn't want me to go and she can't cope.She rang her mum up who lives in another town 131 miles away asking to go there for a while and her mother made arrangements for her sister to come and pick her up.While her sister is on her way my ex calls me begging me to ring her sister and tell her she has changed her mind, but I was on my way to work and her sister had already set off.Anyway she returns home like nothing ever happened and we never did get to the bottom of why she left so abruptly.

Then my mother passed away 5 years ago and she returns back to asking me to go and live closer to her mum so she could be part of our son's life.I figured I had nothing left where I was so I agree to move.When we started living closer to her mother she would always complain that her mother never took an interest in her or our son and we should have stayed where we were.She was constantly slagging her sister off but then nice as pie a few days later.

We then had our second child (a little girl) who is now 18 months old and then comes the deal breaker.Last year I started work with the intention of saving up for us to get married and spend our lives together like she had always hoped for. A month after I start work I start getting the silent treatment and then one day out of the blue her words to me were "I don't know,something doesn't feel right and I don't love you anymore". I was blown away to say the least.I got home from work that night and she went absolutely nuts screaming at me to get out of the house,almost begging me and saying "if I go now she will think about us".So I left and went to stay at a friends where I am living now.

So I then go and make a huge mistake and start texting and texting begging her to talk to me,most of the time receiving silent treatment or short answers,she called me a stalker and threatened me with the police but she would not give me anything as to why she abruptly ended it. Now comes the interesting part,she tells me there is another man involved but he's just a friend and he also happens to be gay (like I was born yesterday). So I was round her house one day and I pop to her toilet and I spot a little pink notebook on the bedroom floor.On it she has wrote "B___es bible" "I want to have my cake and eat it" "my happy ever after" "I love his voice" "Oh so you think long distance relationships are stupid? well I would rather have someone perfect for me than put up with someone who treats me like s**t and who is a douche bag. To be honest once I saw that I knew I was dealing with someone mentally unwell.

Right after splitting with me she tells me that something has happened in her head,she doesn't know what it is but she is not depressed and she needs to see a doctor,she then tells me weeks later this was just a lie to shut me up asking questions.I tell her she needs to get help and I also hint she may have a personality disorder which she responded to with the only help she needs is pushing me off a bridge.

Then comes the blame game,it was all my fault why we finished,I was a slob (I was working and still am in work) I was a cheat (never cheated on her once) A liar (never lied to her). Then she takes to facebook and gathers up her army of enablers and starts posting nasty vile comments and photo's,even ones of her and this new bloke in a collage she had made up.Oh how much fun they all had rubbing my nose in it.She even started up a friendship with some dead beat pot head (total opposite of me) who I suspect has probably developed into something sexual even though she claims she would never have someone like that near our children 

I know for a fact she is on dating sites now using many different usernames trying to lure her next victim however in the meantime she is playing mind games with me trying to keep me on a string.The best one by far was I finished work a few days back and I go round to her house after I finish to collect some money she owed me and to see my children.We ended up having an argument because of her latest status she had put on her fb page which read and I am sorry for this language "I am *new bf* dirty little f*****g c*m sub!".My friend commented on it saying he didn't think she was like that and she swiftly removed it.So I tell her I think she has turned into a vile disgusting human being and she has really lowered herself (I know I shouldn't have reacted) she sat there with a massive smile on her face like she had just won top prize at a beauty contest.She said "you will not be seeing your kids again!" (another one of her favourite weapons) and "I won't be contacting you again" So I shouted at her and told her that she will not be taking my children away from me and I left the house.Literally half an hour passes and I get a missed call on my phone and a text message asking me if I want to go round to her house for chinese food  .

I go round to her house for chinese food,watch tv and then yes you guessed it my penis does the talking and we end up having sex right there on the sofa. I tell her I love her which is met by "I don't want to hear it" and looks into the distance. So I leave that night and not spoken to her since.I am due to pick my son up for our weekend together in 2 days. In the meantime she posts Hoobastank-The reason on her fb (don't know if this is a charm attempt) and I wake up this morning and look at whatsapp and her status reads "mummy should not piss daddy off". When she was going through her manic phase as that is what I thought it was she would post quotes on her whatsapp saying things like "There’s a special place in my heart for the ones who were with me at my lowest and still loved me when I wasn’t very loveable" and things about looking fine on the outside but inside she is dying.She would even put her profile photo on whatsapp as her chinese writing tattoo which is my name.

It's like she wants me to fight for her but the moment I do she pushes me straight back down again.This girl used to tell me how I was her soulmate,she wanted to be with me forever,asked me to marry her 2 months before splitting with me,Couldn't imagine her life without me and now I don't hear a thing from her other than indirect statuses or songs she posts.The whole situation is crazy.And the crazy thing is if she was to tell me she needs help I would support her every step of the way but reality has set in now and I know that is highly unlikely.

So so sad that the love of my life has vanished into thin air and now spends her nights up until silly hours in the morning on dating sites,taking excessive amounts of pro plus,energy drinks,paracetamol tabs looking for her next knight in shining armour.

All I want to do is love her and tell her everything will be alright  :'(

[rlhmm]

if you use the tools on this website wisely, you will soon see that she has done you a HUUUUGE favor!   please read and interact with others who have had similar experiences as you. it is amazingly helpful! 

[raisins3142]

Sorry you are dealing with this rollercoaster of a person.  She does sound disordered.

If someone were threatening to take away my kids, then I would get the court system involved.

I would also stop checking her facebook and other social media unless you feel you have to to know what is going on with your kids and their safety.  Also, I'd not sleep with her again.  All that is going to keep you stuck and hurt for a longer period.

I identify with what you said about all the red flags and ignoring them because of the initial intensity.  I had the same thing.  While mine was idealizing me, I felt such strong love from her and to her that anything about her or her past seemed irrelevant.  I thought that love could conquer all of that because if you love someone this much then you won't ever hurt them badly, right?  Wrong.  Love that grows quickly also leaves quickly especially for someone with BPD.  Of course, she kept the worst things about her past that would drive me away hidden until I eventually figured them out on my own.

[Mike-X]

I am sorry that you went through all of this and seem to be hurting right now. 

The lessons are a very good place to start.

Have you talked with an attorney about custody issues?

[Mutt]

 

Hi DestroyedKnight,

I'm sorry you had to go through this. Some and not all pwBPD will have a distortion campaign and project their feelings of guilt and shame on their partners and distort facts to family and friends. I can relate.

She said "you will not be seeing your kids again!" (another one of her favourite weapons)

Are you thinking about getting a court order?

[DestroyedKnight]

Thanks everybody for your replies. Mutt I had been contemplating going to the courts a couple of months back,this was when she was really not playing ball with me and not letting me see my children.In all that time she was doing that she was posting on her facebook how I was a useless father and I always said I would be the nicest guy she is ever likely to meet blah blah blah and of course her army of friends (2 of them and the pot head) would back her up  .

At this moment in time I can see my children whenever I want and have been spending alot of time with my son which has been great so hopefully it stays that way.Yes I know I need to stop checking her fb because it is not doing me good at all.I saw a quote from someone one day saying it's like you're a heroin addict going cold turkey and the checking of the facebook could be seen as a next hit (that is what it feels like to me right now).

My main question is this,I am puzzled as to why have her family and so called friends have not picked up on her behaviour? it is there in black and white for everybody to see when she posts.Surely anybody with a brain would say "hang on a minute there is something not quite right with this girl". Even her mum and her sister brush it all under the carpet.I was babysitting my children one night at her house and I was browsing on her google and I type a letter in the search and it comes up with 'running away from home without leaving a letter'. I mention all this to her mum and all I get is "I will have a word with her when I see her" or "I asked if she is fine and she says she is!".

Is her mother in denial too?

[DestroyedKnight]

Sorry you are dealing with this rollercoaster of a person.  She does sound disordered.

If someone were threatening to take away my kids, then I would get the court system involved.

I would also stop checking her facebook and other social media unless you feel you have to to know what is going on with your kids and their safety.  Also, I'd not sleep with her again.  All that is going to keep you stuck and hurt for a longer period.

I identify with what you said about all the red flags and ignoring them because of the initial intensity.  I had the same thing.  While mine was idealizing me, I felt such strong love from her and to her that anything about her or her past seemed irrelevant.  I thought that love could conquer all of that because if you love someone this much then you won't ever hurt them badly, right?  Wrong.  Love that grows quickly also leaves quickly especially for someone with BPD.  Of course, she kept the worst things about her past that would drive me away hidden until I eventually figured them out on my own.

What is it with us that makes us ignore all the  ? does that make us desperate? because 9 years after the event I sure as hell am starting to feel that way 

[Mike-X]

Thanks everybody for your replies. Mutt I had been contemplating going to the courts a couple of months back,this was when she was really not playing ball with me and not letting me see my children.In all that time she was doing that she was posting on her facebook how I was a useless father and I always said I would be the nicest guy she is ever likely to meet blah blah blah and of course her army of friends (2 of them and the pot head) would back her up  .

At this moment in time I can see my children whenever I want and have been spending alot of time with my son which has been great so hopefully it stays that way.Yes I know I need to stop checking her fb because it is not doing me good at all.I saw a quote from someone one day saying it's like you're a heroin addict going cold turkey and the checking of the facebook could be seen as a next hit (that is what it feels like to me right now).

My main question is this,I am puzzled as to why have her family and so called friends have not picked up on her behaviour? it is there in black and white for everybody to see when she posts.Surely anybody with a brain would say "hang on a minute there is something not quite right with this girl". Even her mum and her sister brush it all under the carpet.I was babysitting my children one night at her house and I was browsing on her google and I type a letter in the search and it comes up with 'running away from home without leaving a letter'. I mention all this to her mum and all I get is "I will have a word with her when I see her" or "I asked if she is fine and she says she is!".

Is her mother in denial too?

It is difficult to say without knowing her mother. Her mother might not know about BPD and might think that her behavior is 'normal'. Her mother might have BPD or some other personality disorder or strong traits. Plus, my experiences been that parents generally tend to side with their children.

There is a thread on here or another forum that I was reading sometime back where a parent of a child with BPD was making whether they should tell a new boyfriend about the child's disorder. What a difficult issue to confront, right?  There would be trust issues, validation issues, etc.

[Mike-X]

Sorry you are dealing with this rollercoaster of a person.  She does sound disordered.

If someone were threatening to take away my kids, then I would get the court system involved.

I would also stop checking her facebook and other social media unless you feel you have to to know what is going on with your kids and their safety.  Also, I'd not sleep with her again.  All that is going to keep you stuck and hurt for a longer period.

I identify with what you said about all the red flags and ignoring them because of the initial intensity.  I had the same thing.  While mine was idealizing me, I felt such strong love from her and to her that anything about her or her past seemed irrelevant.  I thought that love could conquer all of that because if you love someone this much then you won't ever hurt them badly, right?  Wrong.  Love that grows quickly also leaves quickly especially for someone with BPD.  Of course, she kept the worst things about her past that would drive me away hidden until I eventually figured them out on my own.

What is it with us that makes us ignore all the  ? does that make us desperate? because 9 years after the event I sure as hell am starting to feel that way  

This is a good place to start with some self exploration. And you are the only person in the relationship that you can control or 'fix'.

 I like the . It seems easy to become very sef-critical after a breakup. There are many reasons that relationships evolve in the ways that they do. You can learn why you might have missed the red flags, and take that knowledge into future relationships.

[DestroyedKnight]

Sorry you are dealing with this rollercoaster of a person.  She does sound disordered.

If someone were threatening to take away my kids, then I would get the court system involved.

I would also stop checking her facebook and other social media unless you feel you have to to know what is going on with your kids and their safety.  Also, I'd not sleep with her again.  All that is going to keep you stuck and hurt for a longer period.

I identify with what you said about all the red flags and ignoring them because of the initial intensity.  I had the same thing.  While mine was idealizing me, I felt such strong love from her and to her that anything about her or her past seemed irrelevant.  I thought that love could conquer all of that because if you love someone this much then you won't ever hurt them badly, right?  Wrong.  Love that grows quickly also leaves quickly especially for someone with BPD.  Of course, she kept the worst things about her past that would drive me away hidden until I eventually figured them out on my own.

What is it with us that makes us ignore all the  ? does that make us desperate? because 9 years after the event I sure as hell am starting to feel that way  

This is a good place to start with some self exploration. And you are the only person in the relationship that you can control or 'fix'.

 I like the . It seems easy to become very sef-critical after a breakup. There are many reasons that relationships evolve in the ways that they do. You can learn why you might have missed the red flags, and take that knowledge into future relationships.

Thanks Mike,yeah I like the  too.Believe me it has taken just over 5 months to get to a point where I can even laugh or take stock of what exactly happened. I am making great strides I feel but then there are days when I want my girl back (the kind loving thoughtful girl I fell in love with). I actually purchased stop walking on egg shells from Amazon earlier today and seriously can't wait to read it.

And today she messages me asking me if I have been looking at her fb.Of course I say I haven't and she asks me if I have heard about my son being spat at and her getting into an argument.I said "I don't take any interest in anything you do anymore" I got the feeling she was rather taken back by that comment because I received an "ahhh ok then" from her  .

I will get there slowly but surely 

[Mike-X]

Thanks Mike,yeah I like the  too.Believe me it has taken just over 5 months to get to a point where I can even laugh or take stock of what exactly happened. I am making great strides I feel but then there are days when I want my girl back (the kind loving thoughtful girl I fell in love with). I actually purchased stop walking on egg shells from Amazon earlier today and seriously can't wait to read it.

And today she messages me asking me if I have been looking at her fb.Of course I say I haven't and she asks me if I have heard about my son being spat at and her getting into an argument.I said "I don't take any interest in anything you do anymore" I got the feeling she was rather taken back by that comment because I received an "ahhh ok then" from her  .

I will get there slowly but surely 

I hear you. I am 4 months out from her moving out. This extended weekend, due to the snow, was tough. Haha, lots of extra time to dwell about the relationship.

"Stop walking... ." was a very good book.

[DestroyedKnight]

May I ask was it you who left the relationship or your ex? Did you have the vicious distortion campaign like I had to endure.And do you have your story on this site for me to read if possible please?

[Mike-X]

May I ask was it you who left the relationship or your ex? Did you have the vicious distortion campaign like I had to endure.And do you have your story on this site for me to read if possible please?

She left me in November. I didn't experience a much of a distortion campaign. I know that she left out certain parts of things that she told to an old mutual friend and her sisters, and the parts that were left out made her look innocent or me look bad.

I still need to post my full story. I have posted parts in various threads. Short version: it was a very short, intense, long-distance romance that began during my separation from my now ex wife. We ultimately bought a house together, and BPD flags started popping up soon after. We lived together for just over a year, with her moving out in November. We have been low contact since early January.

[DestroyedKnight]

May I ask was it you who left the relationship or your ex? Did you have the vicious distortion campaign like I had to endure.And do you have your story on this site for me to read if possible please?

She left me in November. I didn't experience a much of a distortion campaign. I know that she left out certain parts of things that she told to an old mutual friend and her sisters, and the parts that were left out made her look innocent or me look bad.

I still need to post my full story. I have posted parts in various threads. Short version: it was a very short, intense, long-distance romance that began during my separation from my now ex wife. We ultimately bought a house together, and BPD flags started popping up soon after. We lived together for just over a year, with her moving out in November. We have been low contact since early January.

Well I think you should consider yourself pretty fortunate to have avoided the smear/distortion campaign.She had me doubting my own sanity and I sat down one day and said to myself "was I really as bad as she is making me out to be?" and the truth is no I was not.She even admitted that to me one day in private when she wanted a favor from me 

I have never seen someone go in to overdrive with such venom.I had the funny photos on facebook about ex partners and how never to get back with them and constant nonsense being spouted about me.I don't know why I was so affected by it in all honesty because I know I am a genuinely nice decent guy.She even said to me many times that she is lucky to have me and I could have any girl I wanted .

And at the time when she had started up this LDR with this army fella and had made up a collage of her and him yeah I was mortified even though now that has fizzled out or maybe he has been smarter than I ever was an dropped her like the plague,I am sitting here thinking if only she would come to me and admit she has a problem I would support her.How crazy is that? . And then there are times when I think I can't wait for her to meet someone else and ruin them and all the while I am going to sit here with a huge grin on my face looking at the fella thinking 'you absolute fool' 

[Mutt]

Thanks everybody for your replies. Mutt I had been contemplating going to the courts a couple of months back,this was when she was really not playing ball with me and not letting me see my children.

Hi DestroyedKnight,

She's mentally ill.

Feelings are quicksilver and can change on a dime.

I have never seen someone go in to overdrive with such venom

She may be playing ball now and she will likely play hard ball later. As you say going into overdrive with venom?

Have you checked out the legal board?

My ex split me black and denied access to my 3 kids. Her terms with visitation was "If I behave".

It's manipulative, controlling and she was changing the yard stick at whim. I got to see them every second weekend and I took her to family court and got shared custody. There's no more drama with visitation.

Your kids are going to need a role model for them, it's the powerful tool for your child to learn to become emotionally healthy and resilient.

[DestroyedKnight]

Thanks everybody for your replies. Mutt I had been contemplating going to the courts a couple of months back,this was when she was really not playing ball with me and not letting me see my children.

Hi DestroyedKnight,

She's mentally ill.

Feelings are quicksilver and can change on a dime.

I have never seen someone go in to overdrive with such venom

She may be playing ball now and she will likely play hard ball later. As you say going into overdrive with venom?

Have you checked out the legal board?

My ex split me black and denied access to my 3 kids. Her terms with visitation was "If I behave".

It's manipulative, controlling and she was changing the yard stick at whim. I got to see them every second weekend and I took her to family court and got shared custody. There's no more drama with visitation.

Your kids are going to need a role model for them, it's the powerful tool for your child to learn to become emotionally healthy and resilient.

No I have not seen the legal board Mutt however I do appreciate you taking the time to inform me of it.A friend of mine who had been giving me advice over the months did suggest getting something put down in black and white so she has no more weapons to use against me.Yeah things are going well right now and my son is with me having fun playing the xbox and laughing his head off but who knows what is going to happen next week if she decides she can't get what she wants etc etc.

I did very well yesterday.I told myself I was going to go round to her house to collect my sons weekend stuff and I was going to keep my mouth shut and my penis in my trousers  . I went there,I listened to her drama (she talks to me 'when she wants to' like nothing ever happened and we are good friends),I gave my daughter a kiss and I left.Literally minutes pass after I left and she updates her whatsapp status to 'well that has cleared up alot' and taking to facebook thanking her sister for the 'little chats' they had and saying "at least she knows she is not alone now" .

I was the victim NOT HER! really pisses me off pardon my french