Someone please interpret this or atleast advise

[confused1730]

18 months with udBPD ex split finally in late October after a very vitriolic few months of devaluation and discard. She replaced me not sure who with and bar a crazy text from her two days before Xmas I heve gone totally no contact.

I have began steadily seeing a healthy girl and taking things slow and in many ways it's friendship and nothing heavy.

Now this is where I want help. Out of the blue (don't forget I was blacker than black) and we blocked each other on phones and FAcebook, my friends girlfriend who she has meant only three times and never on her own and not for twelve months received a call from my ex. Thankfully she didn't pick up and as I said hardly knew my ex. My friend told me about the missed call or rather the call she didn't answer. It was followed by a text to Her " hi sorry for being a bit hot and cold". My friends girlfriend with a short reply " we are away hope you're well" ... .there has been no response since. This was all last week.

So - help? Why has she contacted? I am not stupid and concentrating on myself and slowly recovering and I know the only common denominator between my friends girlfriend who I repeat hardly knows her is me and she had not heard from her in 12 months. Is this a recycle? Is thus an attempted recycle via indirect contact? Is she wanting my attention? Is it jealousy? I appreciate most people will respond with why should I care but I want to try and get a view from others on the site

[Mike-X]

There is no telling, really. It could have just been some impulsive thing; maybe she felt a connection with her after the 2-3 meetings; maybe she was thinking about you and reached out to a safe surrogate for you; maybe she sent a text to the wrong person. But again, there is no way of knowing.

I have seen seemingly random "likes" and comments on things on friends' posts on facebook. I assume that they are impulsive surrogate-type responses, but I have no idea really. And I have never asked. She 'unfriended' me on facebook before the breakup.

The message sounds odd, "sorry for being a bit hot and cold". Does it have any meaning to you?

[confused1730]

The message was essentially sorry I have been in touch for a while thats what her "hot and cold"meant... .it seems far too coincidental that there has been contact when I am at the start of a new relationship. There was no connection - believe me. It is the only number she has of all my friends. There is a picture of my new gf on whats app - that if my ex has seen (she has my number i don't have hers) then it might have triggered something? Should I fear a recycle?

[Suzn]

A relationship recycle is when both parties agree to get back together. If you don't agree then there is no recycle.

Are you concerned you will be persuaded to go back to her?

[JRT]

As I understand it, they only reach out when their needs are no longer being met by the replacement or otherwise... .also, when there are hard times in their life... .could have been a first step to a recycle... .under the circumstances you describe, I would be surprised if it were a random thing.

[confused1730]

Suzn and JRT

My head says no way I would be persuaded. Sorry for perhaps getting the term wrong. I am working so much on myself but the contact she made or at least attempted contact appears like she is either putting feelers out or trying to find out maybe about the person I am seeing.

The fact she got know where with contacting my friends girlfriend will that be seen as:

rejection? or do you think I should be prepared for more direct contact? I agree with you 100% JRT this was not random whatsoever

[paperlung]

As I understand it, they only reach out when their needs are no longer being met by the replacement or otherwise... .also, when there are hard times in their life... .could have been a first step to a recycle... .under the circumstances you describe, I would be surprised if it were a random thing.

Yup, that's my ex. She would only reach out to me during a bout of NC when she was either dealing with a crisis or was feeling lonely.

[apple2]

I agree that they contact only when they have some needs or feel lonely. They think of us sometimes, especially when no one is there for them, but it does not mean they miss us or love us. 

[Suzn]

It's hard to say if she will feel rejected. She may simply move on.

Just because she is reaching out doesn't mean you have to do anything differently than you're doing now. Take a deep breath confused, you got this.

[JRT]

So what would happen if you DID speak with her?

[confused1730]

I wouldn't JRT i couldn't as I now I think have educated myself to an extent on the disorder; I guess my question to the more experienced forum members is around whether it is a recycle attempt or the beginnings of one and is it linked to me dating or is that irrelevant?

[JRT]

well... .why else would she attempt contact... .I am sure that she was not trying to just say hello to the mutual friend.

[Suzn]

There is no way to know for certain if this has anything to do with you dating. We would have to know what she is thinking.

It could be the beginning of a recycle if you called to ask her why she called. Follow me? It takes two for a recycle. They don't "recycle you" as if you have no choice.

[confused1730]

JRT - I certainly agree there is only one reason for contacting my friends girlfriend - me as I am the common denominator. Maybe she is trying to find out who I am seeing.

Suzn - it is interesting you talk about direct contact being rejection... .whats your views on this one -  Having blocked each other back in November/December we saw each other at roundabout alone in our separate cars. There was no acknowledgement and we went our separate ways - this was 2 days before Christmas Eve. Ten hours later the same day I received a Whats app text message from her "Please refrain from driving dangerously to get my attention"... .obviously I wasn't driving dangerously nor did I respond (I guess this is rejection)... .it just seems 8 weeks later she contacting the friends girlfriend ... .is she trying a new approach?

[Suzn]

Confused it may be that she was triggered, by some unknown event, to try to get through to you. First and foremost we don't want to assume anything. This isn't even third party information, it's forth party. I heard through a friend that a friend said... .

We don't know a lot for certain here except that at this moment in time she has your attention, so it worked. If indeed that was her intent. If it was, just like back at the roundabout, she contacted you for a reaction, for whatever reason.

One of the reasons I'm so cautious about contact from an ex is because when my ex would do stuff like this and I would react. She would show it to other people ( if by text or voicemail) and say things like see she won't leave me alone. I learned not to react.

[confused1730]

Suzn - she has my attention I agree but she doesn't know that! That might not be healthy for me but my NC is strong. To be fair the information that she called my friends gf is indeed good information and certainly not to be taken lightly. My exuBPD girlfriend has had absolutely zero option - other than calling me direct or knocking on my door in terms of being able to contact me. There has been something - god knows what - that has made her do it - the only thing I can think of is that she has seen a picture of the girl I am dating on whats app.

[Suzn]

Ok. Let's say she saw the picture. Why not take this lightly? Let's say she reacted to the picture and called. You aren't responding. Is there cause to be afraid?

[confused1730]

I agree and I know what you mean. I guess that I am wary of more contact - i.e. I don't know what BPD's do when they don't get an answer or information I wondered was this initially early stages of a charm or what ever the term is - I am just being a little cautious thats all.

[confused1730]

Anymore views on the scenario I posted?