Returning from a long break

[Grissum69]

Hello all,

Its been a while since I have posted on these forums.  I took a long break from this site because I felt every time I logged on it didn't make anything better although any and all support was welcome.   Well it's been a while...    I've been through another round of BS while i was gone, she got in touch with me again and I caved.  Needless to say I wasn't blind this time but very stupid.  I got married on May 24 of 2014 and I was happy, we were happy.   I was going to move and be with her and the kids, but the pink glasses came off way to soon.  Things started to spiral really fast again, arguments, mind games and lies.  I found out shortly after we got married she was seeing someone else again     Of course the entire time she was in denial claiming there was no one else.  I filed for divorce in November and she was served at her job since she was hiding from me but I got her new address.  November I filed for divorce and had no more contact with her since then.  Feb 7 2015 our divorce was final and I was on my way to bettering myself, I have a new job, am thinking of buying a house and maybe a business.  Yesterday I got an email from her, apologizing for writing me and what she did.    All of my friends told me not to respond.   I got another email again today from her saying that she missed me, still thinks about me.     

I was set back when I got the first email...   didn't know what to do.   

This is from her second email

" I didn't write you for no reason, I felt compelled in my heart to write you. I don't know why but I think about you everyday, not bad stuff either. I am unable to describe my feelings about the divorce because I'm not sure what they are. Yes I'm saddened by it, and yes I have regrets, many of them. I'm not trying to screw with your emotions or beg you to take me back cuz I'm sure that ship has long since sailed away. I guess I just wanted to see if you were ok. I didn't reach out before because I figured you hated me, and with every right. And I'm sure you're thinking nothing ventured nothing gained, as we all know I suck at communication. I'm sorry I probably should have left well enough alone and not opened this can of worms, but I couldn't stop my fingers from typing or hitting the send button.

Not sure what else to say right now. "

I'm just confused right now ...    :'(

[JRT]

Just as it seems is to be expected: just as you are moving on, something like this. So, what do you want to have happen?

[willtimeheal]

She is seeing if you are available. If you have any supply left for her. Respond and she will suck you back in. Her email is all about her and what she needs. Ignore it and don't respond and hopefully she will go away.  My exBPDgf sent me the same type of note three months ago. I never responded and haven't heard from her since!  I hope it stays that way.

[raisins3142]

So sorry this happened.  The audacity, denial, entitlement, and selfishness of beginning to cheat immediately after reconciling and marrying... .is just mind blowing.

[Suzn]

I've read a true apology has 3 parts.

I'm sorry.

It was my fault.

What can I do to make things right?

[fromheeltoheal]

... .but I couldn't stop my fingers from typing or hitting the send button.

Oh really.  At least she's honest there; that's the same lack of impulse control that 'makes' her screw other guys.

That whole email reeks of massive bait.  It only matters if you let it, and I'm sorry you read it and it stirred feelings.  My ex recently started a coaching business and put me on the distribution list for her 'spam' marketing campaign; I could ask why she put me on the list, but then again, I know why.  I got her email, which was addressed to her entire address book I'm assuming, and it was laughable at first since every single one of her 'attribute' bullet points was a lie, which marketing always is in a sense, but I have to admit that it stirred emotions in me that I didn't know where still there, it's been a few years, surprising.  So I unsubscribed from the spam and it took a couple of days, but now it just sits as confirmation that she is exactly the same, nothing has changed, and I'm glad to be out.

Will that process play out that way for you?

[tenderhearted]

Grissum69, I am sorry you're going through this right now. Your relationship with your ex sounds frustrating. Perhaps her email is her attempt at a sincere apology, but like others have mentioned, her email feels self-indulgent and she's looking for validation from you. I'm wondering why she "couldn't stop her fingers from typing?" Is it because she was SO compelled to apologize to you, or because she has a compulsion to remain attached to you and live off your energy? I'm guessing it's the later, which she probably doesn't completely understand herself (and that's ok and it's not your problem), so your refusal to respond could be interpreted in her mind as "he is a jerk, I was just trying to apologize to him" etc. I haven't responded to my ex in awhile but ignoring her has not become an automatic response yet. I still struggle with NC because I still care about what she thinks of me. However, lately I'm realizing that 1) it doesn't matter what she thinks as long as I'm not intentionally trying to hurt her and I'm taking care of myself by not responding and 2) even if I did respond, I have absolutely no control over what she thinks about me anyways and 3) her behavior in our relationship has not given her the privilege for me to comfort her post relationship, and 4) I don't want my ex coming to me validation so I NEED to stop validating her

I hope insight into my thought process offers you some guidance. A friend recently said this to me and I thought it was quite beautiful:

"I store the things that our precious to me inside a box and only share what's in that box with people who I trust to take care of those things."

Would responding to your ex mean opening and sharing what's in your box? Can you trust your ex not to break the things that in your box? In the past, when you opened your box, did she break things?

My ex broke the things in box nearly every time I opened it to her. I can't open it for her any longer. NC, for me, is how I take away her key.

Good luck. Stay strong. You're doing great already!

[Leaving]

I hope insight into my thought process offers you some guidance. A friend recently said this to me and I thought it was quite beautiful:

"I store the things that our precious to me inside a box and only share what's in that box with people who I trust to take care of those things."

Would responding to your ex mean opening and sharing what's in your box? Can you trust your ex not to break the things that in your box? In the past, when you opened your box, did she break things?

My ex broke the things in box nearly every time I opened it to her. I can't open it for her any longer. NC, for me, is how I take away her key.

Good luck. Stay strong. You're doing great already!

What wonderful advice from your friend.  It contains both figurative and literal meaning in my life/marriage. My husband not only broke my spirit and his marital vows but he also broke just about anything in our home that had any value at all. I could never trust him with my life or our possessions.  I'm going to copy it and keep it with me all the time as a reminder to trust my own good sense and honor the things I value by not allowing anyone else to devalue me ever again.  Thank you for sharing!

[Leaving]

I've read a true apology has 3 parts.

I'm sorry.

It was my fault.

What can I do to make things right?

The above NEVER once happened in 18 years of marriage.  IF I ever got any apology it was only because I told him that I thought it was only normal for someone to acknowledge what they had done and apologize without any coercion.  He would get the most evil angry look on his face and say, ' SORRY!  Happy now?'  There was never any attempt to amend or rectify his mistakes. Instead, he would find something to fault me for to even the score.

[raisins3142]

Those half-butted apologies/non-apologies can be harder to take than no apology or an insult, at least sometimes.

It's like the annoyance of someone making things more difficult for you by going out of their way to help you by "correcting" something that you did purposefully.

I received a few half-butted apologies.  In contrast, mine were sincere.  I fully owned the fact that I was overly mean in what I said during the break up.  I gave no excuses.

As someone else said, maybe this is all we can expect and to them they really are apologizing.  It really reflects upon the arrested emotional development of BPD.  Remember apologizing prior to age 10?  For me it was always "I'm sorry... .BUT... ." and then I tried to minimize things or turn things around.  It's easy to do.  Small kids do it everyday.

[Leaving]

Those half-butted apologies/non-apologies can be harder to take than no apology or an insult, at least sometimes.

It's like the annoyance of someone making things more difficult for you by going out of their way to help you by "correcting" something that you did purposefully.

I received a few half-butted apologies.  In contrast, mine were sincere.  I fully owned the fact that I was overly mean in what I said during the break up.  I gave no excuses.

As someone else said, maybe this is all we can expect and to them they really are apologizing.  It really reflects upon the arrested emotional development of BPD.  Remember apologizing prior to age 10?  For me it was always "I'm sorry... .BUT... ." and then I tried to minimize things or turn things around.  It's easy to do.  Small kids do it everyday.

Raisins,

Yes, ' arrested emotional development' is the problem and if we don't have the maturity and strength to be their adult parent, we will end up behaving just as childish.   The haughty arrogant apologies with an evil look or a sheepish grin are definitely more disturbing than no apology at all because that behavior reveals more than having no character at all- it reveals a dark angry character that intends to do harm.  It reveals a lack of conscience and respect.   I know that I said harsh things when my husband was assaulting me and although I always sincerely apologized, I never said anything that wasn't true or warranted.  In other words, I didn't resort to juvenile name calling or drudging up the past. In truth, I was always sensitive to the fact that it's cruel and unproductive to hit below the belt. Even so,  if he lied, I called him a liar or if he had behaved like an irresponsible child then that's what I called him and was then was accused of being abusive because I called him names.  When I did apologize, I was apologizing for allowing myself to become over-heated and not being mature enough to direct the altercation in a more productive way.  Then again, it's not easy to do that and besides, having to control an adult like a parent does their children, isn't any healthy way to live long term.   I learned in counseling this year that until I left the house,  I had to develop a thick skin, turn off the defensive ego and learn to walk away and not allow any escalation to occur.  This means that we must be careful how we react to them and basically ignore their drama, remain calm and objective and focused just on the issue at hand- keeping the ball in their court at all times.  That didn't always work for me either because my husband knew I wasn't taking the bait and he would try harder and harder to engage me in his drama.

It's so exhausting!  My poor body simply couldn't handle these altercations anymore. My entire body would hurt/ache for an entire day, I felt like was in a daze unable to stay awake. 

[Infared]

Those half-butted apologies/non-apologies can be harder to take than no apology or an insult, at least sometimes.

It's like the annoyance of someone making things more difficult for you by going out of their way to help you by "correcting" something that you did purposefully.

I received a few half-butted apologies.  In contrast, mine were sincere.  I fully owned the fact that I was overly mean in what I said during the break up.  I gave no excuses.

As someone else said, maybe this is all we can expect and to them they really are apologizing.  It really reflects upon the arrested emotional development of BPD.  Remember apologizing prior to age 10?  For me it was always "I'm sorry... .BUT... ." and then I tried to minimize things or turn things around.  It's easy to do.  Small kids do it everyday.

Spot on. That letter reeks of childishness and bait.