Radical Acceptance in relation to abusive behavior

[Bloomer]

So I've been reading a lot about radical acceptance. I have read about it before and really tried to practice it in stressful moments with my dBPDh. So, what I've noticed is that while I may accept that I can't change him, that he has a disease, etc. I still do not like or want to accept being verbally abused, physically intimidated, manipulated, and the like. I am hoping that someone might be able to share how radical acceptance is not enabling to abusive behavior? I mean, I understand that boundaries need to be enforced to discourage abusive behavior and I control how much abuse I subject myself to. However, how do I radically accept that someone I love is putting me in a position where I need to flee my home in order to stop him from abusing me emotionally?

I see the benefits of  radical acceptance in other situations, for sure, and have definitely been using it to help my anxiety issues in other relationships. And it works so great and I can see the positives of using this tool in those situations. I'm just questioning its use in situations where there is abusive behavior and how you accept someone's behavior without judgment when you are aware it is unhealthy, whether it is really about you or not. I have accepted that my husband has a mental illness, what I don't know is whether or not I will *choose* to share my life with someone who is unable to control his emotions or empathize without a great deal of effort or sometimes at all. I am trying to stay open, hence this post.

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[ColdEthyl]

Good question!

Radical acceptance doesn't mean you don't enforce your personal boundaries. For me, the part of radical acceptance is accepting this behavior will happen. He will dysregulate sometimes. I don't have to sit there and take it, I can and will leave if he doesn't stop.

He has a mental illness, and it won't get better. Think of it in terms of a handicap. He's emotionally handicapped. Just as a person with a physical handicap will go to physical therapy... .he would go to a therapist. The person with the physical handicap might get better, but they might not ever be 100% again either. Same with my H. Even though he can get better, he will not ever be 100%.

[sweetheart]

Hello Bloomer,

For me RA is accepting and acknowledging reality for what it is. I used to think I could change my dBPDh's abusive words and behaviours, I now understand I can't. I have no control over what he does or says in times of dysregulation, or any other time for that matter, but I do have control over what I do and say.

By accepting the reality of his illness and all that comes with it, I am now free to start living my life unencumbered by my previous caretaking role.

What changed for me is that I no longer stay around for any kind of dysregulated behaviour, I accept that it will happen, it happens a lot less though and I feel freer.

Is my marriage improved, has the BPD symptoms lessened ? My marriage is different, free from conflict, but my h's BPD is running riot in his life, it's just not directed at me anymore.

Radical acceptance of my h's mental illness is not why I chose to stay with him. I chose to stay because by educating myself and using the tools and accessing as much support as I could, the conflict between us stopped, I stopped triggering him. He also stopped his overuse of prescription medication and we settled down into a manageable way of life. He remains a very ill man who is hellbent on self destructing and will soon spend a sustained period of time in a secure hospital. I accept that this is the nature and course of the illness for him and what brought about change in our marriage was my realisation that love could not cure him.

[Bloomer]

Thanks for your responses. Based on those, at least I know I have the right concept of radical acceptance. And boundaries are tough but I do know I can only control me and I hate being in situations where I lose control. Part of the difficulty with boundaries for me is that being in a r/s with someone where I have to go to extreme measures (i.e. leaving my home at relatively any hour of the day) to enforce boundaries is affecting my life in a negative way. If I'm working (which I do from home) and H comes home and starts raging, I have to stop working and enforce a boundary (another room, a walk, etc.) until I can resume my work. This results in me being awake very late to meet work deadlines and then being exhausted. I suppose that's why I am staying at my sister's right now but it's frustrating that I can't have peace at home.

Sweetheart: Does it not stress you out that H is wreaking havoc on other areas of his life even if it isn't directed at you? I would imagine some of it has to impact you indirectly. I ask because this is something I have accepted about my H, but at the same time it is really stressful to watch him do crazy things to other people, drive friends away, etc. I don't feel completely free of those other situations since we share a life and responsibilities. Like he constantly overdrafts his checking account. While I'm glad my name isn't on it, he will never be able to share major financial responsibilities without a reliable history with his bank. Just curious on your approach since you seem very zen. I am sorry to hear about the current status of your H. That must be hard for you to watch him go through.

[JohnLove]

Hello Bloomer, I am practicing RA and struggling with it. It is not always as easy as it sounds. It is a simple concept but putting it into practice is not always easy.

He has a mental illness, and it won't get better. Think of it in terms of a handicap. He's emotionally handicapped. Just as a person with a physical handicap will go to physical therapy... .he would go to a therapist. The person with the physical handicap might get better, but they might not ever be 100% again either. Same with my H. Even though he can get better, he will not ever be 100%.

Hello ColdEthyl, I feel your explanation sums it up pretty well. I like your analogy. It makes the concept pretty clear. I believe all pwBPD can get "better" or improve but I think it is much harder for some and getting better is a relative term. The worse they are in respect to BPD behaviours the more improvement can be made. It is when the behaviours are more subtle that improvement can be so much harder.

For me, Radical Acceptance in a nutshell is the phrase IT IS WHAT IT IS. I have said that to my BPDgf in times of despair and conflict and I almost always get a positive reaction. Like I have come to terms with the realisation and give up any "argument" and she seems to awaken and take stock of what she has done (in a sense) and how things REALLY are between us. She doesn't seem to like it when I "give up" trying to preserve the relationship after validate validate validate fail. It often causes a shift in her. For the better.  

sweetheart, sorry to hear about your husbands struggle. pwBPD just can't seem to see consequences past their nose. My exBPD did some truly terrible things to me and our relationship which completely destroyed it. Not before we had 3 children though and I didn't know a thing about BPD back then. We all suffered for it. Now I try to prevent the children suffering because of their BPD mother whom I have very little contact with. We share care of the children equally. The children practice Radical Acceptance like Zen masters. I try not to say a bad word but it is almost impossible to protect myself from the hateful behaviours directed toward me but inflicted on the children. They are suffering at times. One day I will have to explain all this to them. I am not exactly looking forward to that day. In the meantime I consciously try to inoculate them from the BPD behaviours to minimise their suffering.  :'(

I had a situation tonight where I was out with my BPDgf and her family. We were out playing a game with many other people (mostly guys) and my I recieved a text message from my children (who I have not seen in a week and one has been unwell). BPDgf reacted badly to this, dysregulated, reacted in an accusatory tone, i decided not to respond while we were playing the game so as to not incite a rage response in her (out of RA and Love and respect), and then she began to (unconsciously I believe) interact with the other (male) members in the game on the opposing team. Acting out in the game and asking them to leave her alone (she was an easy target   at one point which is not conducive to the game. Then she began to further interact with some of these male members. Asking them how to play or about the rules. I was standing right next to her trying to assist. As I had been trying all evening when she was giving up and compromising our entire team and not "enjoying" herself... .and compromising my enjoyment.

So in essence I can't interact with my children while out with her children while she interacts with guys neither of us know at all?... .that's BPD for you.  

We had been out all day together doing things together (mainly for her benefit) and we had been joking most of the day about being intimate that night.  . But when the last game finished and she walked out with them chatting and laughing while I trailed behind this completely killed intimacy for me.  :'( I had lost her in the game at the end several times prior (which happens) and she had found her own way out (as you do) but I was (more than slightly) disappointed by this. I called to her and walked out another exit that no one was using in an attempt to avoid the unpleasant feeling I had and make it clear to her this wasnt my idea of "togetherness". She followed behind speaking to me about it. It didn't help much. I left the building without her at the end. I waited in the car (mine) for her to follow with her family. We didn't speak on the drive home. We were both tired and hungry (which I understand doesn't help  ).

She took her adult children to his home (which we had discussed doing together prior to going out) and we exchanged several texts expressing our feelings (didn't seem to assist) and when she came to my place afterwards and I reacted poorly to her rage at me about these events and my feelings. I told her to go home in a fliipant way. She left. She was upset. I was upset. There was NO intimacy last night... .and she turned her phone off. I wasn't expecting an apology but she just disconnected further.

I might add I had replied to my children after the games we were playing had finished out of respect for my BPDgf's feelings but they must have retired to bed as it was now late and I lost that (loving) interaction with them.

For me, tonight was summed up by. Lose (healthy togetherness), lose (opportunity to enjoy loving interaction with MY children) , lose (the game), followed by lose (sexual intimacy).  :'(

After this experience I do have a follow up plan for next time. If and when there is a next time. I will employ Radical Acceptance... .but maybe I will employ it differently.

Now I understand these things seem trivial in comparison to the hell many posters are going through on bpdfamily (as I too have GENUINELY experienced) and things are MUCH better now (due to using the tools here and understanding) but I keep feeling I am just too sensitive and can't practice Radical Acceptance enough?... . :'(

Thoughts please.

[ColdEthyl]

It's hard for us NOT to hurt when they say and do hurtful things. What you are describing John is some of that push/pull that pwBPD do. She was most likely jealous your kids called, and acted out because of it.

In that case, a boundary needs to be put up that you will, in fact, speak to your children when you want. If SHE chooses to act foolishly, there is not a lot you can do about that.

Whenever they are being verbally abusive... .remember what they are spewing has nothing to do with you. Rather, it's the negative feelings that they cannot process properly, and they lash out on us to expel it from them. That's why they have a hard time accepting blame, etc etc

It's hard to not take it personally... .but they only mean that stuff at the time they say it. That's why they go through the cycles of shame, guilt, etc before restarting the whole thing again. If you think about it, it's pretty sad these people cannot even handle a single negative emotion without shutting down the bunker and going into fight or flight mode.

I don't take it personally because I know the source. If I don't want to listen to it... .I do not have to. I can leave.

@Bloomer I'm glad you are really thinking about all of this. These types of r/s are not for everyone... .and it's really good for you and him that you are thinking about all of this carefully. Only you can make the best decision for you.

[sweetheart]

Bloomer yes it does have an indirect impact on me, we have a lot of involvement from mental health services, police, etc which i am invariably involved in liaising with. I am at times an advocate for my h, I am his voice when he does not have one that people can hear or understand.

It became clear when I stopped triggering him that his path of self destruction was still going to continue. To be honest if he were not to be hospitalised I was planning to live separately from him this summer. We have a s6 who has been protected from the worst excesses of his fathers life and they have a remarkably intact father/son relationship given the limitations of the illness, but as he gets older he will see and understand more. I don't want that for him.

JohnLove puts it very succinctly, 'it is what it is' and prior to this relationship as part of my career path I spent 10 years in therapy and because of this once the FOG had lifted I recognised my issues within the marriage. You're right though once I stopped JADEing everything for me has become a little bit zen.