uBPD mom, enabling dad, feeling stuck in my own recovery

[Clearing the FOG]

I've put off writing my intro because I'm not sure where to start. Here goes... .

I am entering my 40s as a parent of young children. At the same time my parents (uBPD mom and enabling dad) are nearing retirement, both have health concerns and very little savings. I am feeling torn between caring for myself and immediate family and dealing with my parents' near constant drama. My mom's overwhelming negativity, made up illnesses, triangulation of our family, blaming, ruminating is draining my energy. I get an email once a week being blamed for things so far out of my control and unrelated to me its absurd while neither parent is able to take responsibility for their behavior. My mom has expected me to take care of her emotionally yet I am often the recipient of her anger. She is also intensely afraid of abandonment but does everything to drive me away. Once she called to tell me she was going to a support group for people with estranged adult children - yet we had just visited the weekend before (and I had clearly just picked up the phone to talk to her). I will never support her enough.

My father has been a non-participant in our family in that he lets my mom run the show, waits on her hand and foot and takes her abuse and allows her to be abusive toward us. Throughout my childhood right up to the present day, my mom threatens to divorce him saying she's over being his caretaker. Yet he always takes her side and is her mouthpiece calling to tell me they are hurt, disappointed or devastated by something they say I've done. When he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder she used it as something to hold over him. Now she insists that he has dementia and its not clear to me whether there is anything more significant than the usual cognitive impairment with aging bi-polars. They have seen several specialists (my mom's MO) and I can't seem to get a straight answer about the diagnosis. One day my mom says he's doing much better then the next day she's crying he's losing his mind at a rapid pace. Frankly, I'm not sure when/if I believe her given her history of gas lighting him and also crying wolf. She's constantly sending me articles about caregiving someone with Alzheimers, joining support groups and trying to put my dad in a home. I just saw him and could detect no noticeable change so its very difficult to listen to a repetitive rant about him.

Any time I go through a major life change (getting married, having children) my mom fears abandonment and acts up to bring the focus back to her. I've tried going NC but I tend to cave in after a few peaceful months away. I try to maintain contact so my kids will know their grandparents. I find myself questioning whether its worth it since I'm unable to set clear boundaries or change how I respond to them and they have no interest in changing.

My youngest baby is 6 months old so I'm not getting much sleep and have almost no "me time" and I've been looking for steady work so things are stressful enough. Yet, I find myself more caught up in anger, resentment and ruminating on my parents' (usually my mom echoed by my dad) most recent outburst than taking care of my own needs. I am aware of this yet I seem unable to put the focus back on what I need to accomplish for my immediate needs: eating right, getting enough exercise, career networking, taking care of my own children etc. Are there others out there feeling drained from their relationship with a BPD parent and also caring for their own children? How do you make it work? How do I stop myself from ruminating on the steady stream of really hurtful things she says to me and let go of the anger to just accept this is the way things are?

Thanks for reading!

[Turkish]

Hello Clearing the FOG, and 

My youngest baby is 6 months old so I'm not getting much sleep and have almost no "me time" and I've been looking for steady work so things are stressful enough. Yet, I find myself more caught up in anger, resentment and ruminating on my parents' (usually my mom echoed by my dad) most recent outburst than taking care of my own needs. I am aware of this yet I seem unable to put the focus back on what I need to accomplish for my immediate needs: eating right, getting enough exercise, career networking, taking care of my own children etc. Are there others out there feeling drained from their relationship with a BPD parent and also caring for their own children? How do you make it work? How do I stop myself from ruminating on the steady stream of really hurtful things she says to me and let go of the anger to just accept this is the way things are?

It sounds like things aren't working out too well the way things are, CtF. You know that your new family is your primary family now, your spouse and children. Unfortunately, your mom doesn't see things that way. I'm sorry that you're feeling angry and resentful, but here's the thing: with the behaviors you describe, you have every right to be angry and resentful. I've heard it said that anger is a mask for pain, Your mother has expected you to keep care-taking her (while alternatively abusing you) and that this cycle will never stop. A reciprocal relationships with a pwBPD (person with BPD) is rarely achievable. Often, the most that we can do is to assert strong boundaries until our pwBPD "get it."

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Without treatment, this is a life-long disorder. What can you change to do better for you and your family?

Turkish

[clljhns]

Hi Clearing the Fog,

I want to join Turkish in welcoming you to the BPD family!

Yet, I find myself more caught up in anger, resentment and ruminating on my parents' (usually my mom echoed by my dad) most recent outburst than taking care of my own needs. I am aware of this yet I seem unable to put the focus back on what I need to accomplish for my immediate needs: eating right, getting enough exercise, career networking, taking care of my own children etc. Are there others out there feeling drained from their relationship with a BPD parent and also caring for their own children? How do you make it work? How do I stop myself from ruminating on the steady stream of really hurtful things she says to me and let go of the anger to just accept this is the way things are?

I am so sorry to hear about the struggles with your mom and dad. I can certainly relate. I also have a uBPDmom and my dad I suspect is uNPD. Your mom sounds similar to my mom, in that she needs constant reassurance that she is needed and loved. There just wasn't enough hours in the day to fill her needs. I went NC with my parents years ago to find some peace and to heal. I am not suggesting that you go NC, only sharing my story.

Turkish offered a great article to read about setting boundaries. I would also recommend you read the articles at the top of this board. I have included the link: https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-parent  It is only normal that we are resentful and even angry when the one person who is supposed to love us and support us, demands that they be the center of your world and ignore everyone else, including yourself. You are a parent now, and have a partner also to consider. Your needs, and your families needs trump all else, including mom.

When my mom would call me to tell me how angry she was at so-and-so, I would tell her to call that person and tell them. If she tried to rage at me, I would tell her once that if she didn't calm down and stop yelling at me, I would hang up. I did have to hang up on her several times before she realized that I meant what I said. It was almost dealing with a child, consistent  and firm boundaries. It is a little harder with a parent or an adult, but it can be done.

Also, in regards to the ruminating, you might find that once you set boundaries, this will diminish. You also might want to try journaling to get the thoughts down on paper, so they are no longer in your head.

Take care of yourself. Read the information and start to establish boundaries with mom. Expect a backlash. Mom won't be on board with these changes, but this about you and your families needs, not mom's.

Let us know what you think about the articles and keep up updated on how you are doing. Glad you are and know that you can come here anytime to share your thoughts and get the support you need!

All the best.

[littlebirdcline]

My story is very similar to yours.  My dad goes along with her just as you describe, but luckily, he doesn't add his two cents, he just sits back silently and lets her run roughshod over us, which he has our entire lives.  I, too, am just entering my 40's and have a young child.  I just posted somewhere else I think he is the reason that I finally started confronting the situation.  I don't want the negativity passed on to him, and when she had a major rage episode in front of him in my home (she threatened to get something heavy and bash my head in- in front of my highly intelligent and incredibly sensitive 5 year old son), I finally lost it.  In the 10 months since then, we have gone from NC to LC , back to NC again a couple weeks ago.  It is so exhausting.  I realize I have been her emotional dumping ground since I was a small child, and I don't have the room or energy for it any more.  My son and husband need me to be there for them fully, not constantly in a state of upheaval over her.  Even today, my son wants to play, and my husband (who works every other weekend), wants to spend time with me, and I'm sitting here wallowing in the situation with her, unable to really be present with them.  It's ridiculous.  Meanwhile, she's sitting in her house, I'm sure, stewing because I won't apologize and let her keep her tidy little worldview intact.  I swear, I wish there was a pill that would just make it so I didn't give a ___e anymore.  I love her, and wish I had the kind of mother I could trust and rely on, but I don't, and I'm tired of trying to make it happen.  I do the same thing you described- just ruminating on the arguments and hurtful things over and over and over.  All we're doing when we do that is giving her free rent in our brains, something they don't deserve. 

I guess my guilt at this point is knowing she is mentally ill and feeling like I should have compassion for her.  (That's my brother's position- she's nuts and can't help it, so we should just be there for her anyway.)  But something happened last summer where my compassion for her just dried up. 

I guess there will probably always be good days and bad days.  I'm hoping eventually the bad days get fewer and far between.  I think clljhns subsection about journaling is a good one.  Although, who has the time, right?  Good luck.