Rescue or Support?

[Crumbling]

 

Last night my BPDh started at me, as I was laying in bed.

"You're going to do X tomorrow, right?", he kept asking me, over and over.  I kept skirting a direct answer, reminded him my plan to stick to the phone the next day, stating we'd discuss it when I got the call I'd be waiting for, or evaluate again when I knew more. 

He kept pushing and pushing me to commit, stating how much he had on his plate, and all the things he had to deal with the next couple of days.  (which is about as much as a normal regular person who works full time everyday... .but, his realty, right?)  Boy, he had himself in a stew in a short time, calling me names, attacking my morals and values.  I didn't respond to anything he said. But... .

When he finally stopped for longer than 30 secs, I blurted out, "I only care about you and I refuse to rescue you right now.  My day tomorrow is my choice, and my life and you can't control it.  Sorry, but I love me too much to bow down to your demands right now.  Good night."

He mumbled to himself for a long time, as I lay there wondering if I'd made things better or worse.  Should I be supporting him right now or is it what I think it may be, a need to be rescued? 

This morning, he cuddles me close and smells in my hair like nothing happened the night before.     I pulled away, got out of bed and said, "No.  You were mean to me last night, and I at least need a coffee in between to process all this."  He stayed in bed, and I started my day.

Fast forward a few hours, and now he's been kind and grounded and somewhat level all morning.  I mentioned that my schedule was such that I could do X today after all.  He jumped up!  He hugged me!  He said thank you for alleviating his fears. 

I said, "you were a bit overwhelmed last night."

he said, "I know, I'm sorry."

"Was it because you felt like the weight of the world was on your shoulders?"

"Yep"

"And that you had to shoulder it all on your own?"

"Yep"

"In ten years, have I ever walked away from you and left you to shoulder everything?"

"No"

"Right, that's not me.  I would never do that to you.  You can trust me."  I felt the tension leaving his body, as all this was said during our embrace.  I kissed him on the check.  "I love you.  I'm glad I didn't rescue you last night, but I'm also really sad that you felt that way."

He thanked me for being the most wonderful wife in the world (Back to the wonderful world of white again!), then I caught him dancing in the yard with the dogs.   

------------------------------------------

This exchange is so vastly different than the way things used to be with us... .I've made communication adjustments along the way, and started focusing on me a lot more, and he seems to be following suit as much as possible.  Can we name the tools that were implemented that helped the situation?  What he did?  What I did?

Maybe this will help others get to this successful place.   

blessings,

c.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Heldfast]

Sounds like you've been practicing your DBT. Good luck and keep at it. Is there a therapist in the mix as well?

[Crumbling]

He was seeing a T for six months, then stopped for about the same length of time.  He is now ready to start again and has an appointment soon.

I don't have my own T, but recently started a support group.  What I know, I've learned here.

c.

[JohnLove]

Im no expert so it might take me half a day to psychoanalyse your post and get it accurate.  . I will leave that to the senior members.

But I will say this much. You were being true to yourself (read:real). You were being true (read:honest) with him. And you were being true (read:genuine) to the relationship.

And you did it in a way that caused him to sort out his own head and follow suit... .to value you, himself, and the relationship.

That is somewhat amazing and is the ultimate goal of validation and truthfulness.

WELL DONE. Now just rinse. Repeat. (I can see that you want to be able to process what you accomplished logically so you can commit this logical formula to memory... .nice, not sure it will be that straightforward to accomplish or so "easy" next time). What you did was a mix of logic and emotion. Truly wise actions on your part that changed everything for the better for both of you.

I feel sad for those in BPD relationships where when the partner is uncontrollably disordered and stall at the part where they can't reach that conclusion in their head for whatever reason.

I suspect the outcome is not confined to this incident. I believe it may also be the result of prior effort that you have put in to the relationship.

[Grey Kitty]

  Sounds like a huge improvement!

"You're going to do X tomorrow, right?", he kept asking me, over and over.  I kept skirting a direct answer, reminded him my plan to stick to the phone the next day, stating we'd discuss it when I got the call I'd be waiting for, or evaluate again when I knew more. 

... .

I blurted out, "I only care about you and I refuse to rescue you right now.  My day tomorrow is my choice, and my life and you can't control it.  Sorry, but I love me too much to bow down to your demands right now.  Good night."

Do you think if you got to this statement earlier, perhaps the second time he asked it... .that you cannot and will not promise to do "X" tomorrow" do you think it would have been better or worse the way it turned out?

[Crumbling]

I had my own day planned, and part of being more true to me, my new year's resolution, has been to not change what I'm doing, because he asks, says, or demands ... .unless it's my choice, like... .if the house was burning down and he was yelling get out, or something.  This has made a huge difference in how we interact with each other, and frankly, it sets him off a lot.

But I got up one morning set to fend off his attempts at controlling and manipulating

me, and pictured myself with a big, strong shield with my plan of counter-attacks, ie communication tools and DBT   all written right there on the inside for me.  Anytime he'd start, my shield came up and I was ready!

We are both pretty good communicators.  We are both strongly commitment to making the relationship work, and we have an agreed-upon referee who has the final say in what we can't agree on.  We call him God.  I'm realizing these are really good traits to have and I'm staying positive.

[waverider]

In his head he had chaos and uncertainty. You exhibited a determined, fair and consistent stance. You provided the stability he needed without invalidated his fears.

It wasn't about the issues, it was his mood and you heard and compensated.

Being supportive means helping them with what they can't do, it does not always mean doing what they want and ask for. It is about what is needed.

It was a good mix of SET and boundaries. Most importantly it was clear, with no JADE. You stuck what YOU were going to do for YOU rather than telling him what to do, or not do.

It is surprising what you can achieve if you are short, sharp and clear. Without getting angry or reactive.

Regardless of how it turned out for him you would have felt much better

[Loosestrife]

I have made the mistake by saying: 'if you do that you will have to go' ... .I realise now that is was the approach. Thank you for this insight

[Crumbling]

Do you think if you got to this statement earlier, perhaps the second time he asked it... .that you cannot and will not promise to do "X" tomorrow" do you think it would have been better or worse the way it turned out?

This is a good question.  For most of the time he was too worked up to listen.  I had tried saying something before this "I cannot give you the answer you want because... ." But he cut me off and just got more aggravated.  I think it helped that I just let him rant till he was done, so it was less argumentative and more self preservation on my part.  Seems he is beginning to understand when he crosses the line, but only after it's been crossed. 

[Crumbling]

Not reacting to him was hard, but I think also a key element.  I've been working on detecting JADEing in our exchanges, too, so this useless approach isn't taken.

And, yep, it would have been a lot easier on me if I could have spoke up earlier... .for sure.  But again, it was like I had to let him play his record to the end before I could have my turn.

Thanks for the input everyone! 

[Crumbling]

Now just rinse. Repeat. (I can see that you want to be able to process what you accomplished logically so you can commit this logical formula to memory... .nice, not sure it will be that straightforward to accomplish or so "easy" next time). What you did was a mix of logic and emotion.

This is the hard part, 'rinse and repeat,' and the part I still hope to achieve.  I'm learning to understand him and accept him as he is more, which helps me stay distant while he is spewing his crap.  Seeing when he is caught up in his emotions like that as a symptom, or triggered response to something else helps too.  He gets overwhelmed easily when he feels like he's got to do things himself, or has commitments he's agreed to.  Because it was a situation and response I've seen a lot before, I faced it more prepared this time and on the ready.

Everything is so confusing and illogical when you spend a lot of time with a pwBPD.  I was trapped in a cycle of broken expectations, anger, resentment, frustration and exhaustion for so long, I never thought this type of scenario could ever happen.  I hated being there, and finally got the courage to do things different.  Making the commitment is the first step, then it's simply a matter of time before results start happening, provided you stay on course.

Blessing to all,

C.